What Would Your Horses Say If They Had A Forum?

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Arizahn

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Light hearted nonsense :D

I suspect that the Camel Horse would spend most of his time on Veterinary topics:

"My human has collapsed again. She is clearly lame. Should I ask for a bute test or just turn her away for a while?"
"My human keeps sneezing - is this likely to be due to pollen?"

Arthur would want to know why his field mate is so very incapable of posing nicely for photos:

"In my day, we stood up square and we jolly well took pride in our appearance! Where does he even find mud in September?"
"Should I mention that he has brambles in his mane again? He is lowering the tone :("
 
Hazel pony would say "god if I see another beginner rider this side of Christmas I will scream all these tots I have to balance up are doing my head in how can I get rid of them. Mind you at least they don't want me to work God forbid I ever have to do THAT again".
Naughty boy would say" I have a rider that insists on getting off and making me go back into my field how can I make her stay and play with me all day an hour isn't long enough. When she gives me a fresh field and lets me go I run back to her and pick up the bit in my mouth but she still doesn't get the hint. The fat one that poo picks isn't much help either she keeps telling me to go away when all I want to do is help just coz that silly barrow has only one wheel and falls over if I try to push it is isn't my fault but she chases me away. The funny old man doesn't want my help either he gets cross when I steal his hammer and fence posts and take them into the field he says if I didn't rub my bum (ahhh bliss) he wouldn't have to keep replacing the broken fence posts. How can I get them to play with me all day"
Baby pony "why do they keep putting stingy wire round me all I want to do is explore the countryside. Mum tells me that I should stay put and be calm and accept that one day I should be a good girl for the beginners like her but I just want to GO GO GO and jump jump jump why can we not just do everything as fast as we can go"
Diva would complain bitterly "why do I have to eat this healthy food when they know I love competition mix, Silly new owner wants to jump high and wide and go round and round in circles when all I want to do is run as fast as I can and jump at speed. I hurt myself because some numpty man on his pretty horse cut me up at a show and I sat down like a dog. He was hitting her all the time every stride she took he clouted her with a stick no matter how hard she tried, so pleased no one near me has a stick although my girl carried one the other day but I spooked and ran sideways eying it up so I don't think she will do that again. Oh and how do I stop people touching me and talking to me I really am a princess and it is so rude to stroke me without my permission"
 
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My highland would start a three entitled "Starvation ... AIBU ... WWYD?" ...

As he's obsessed with food and thinks of little else, he clearly feels that any time spent near grass/hay etc but not eating it is time wasted.
 
Mine would say, My human wanted me to turn left when I clearly wanted to turn right... So I dropped her in the swamp to think about her actions.... True story. I was soaked through to the underwear and stank like you wouldn't believe. Bloody chestnut TBs!
 
Mines a hypochondriac, so i would imagine it would be along the lines of
"My stomach feels funny, I've clearly got colic again! Goodbye cruel world!!! .... Oh wait false alarm, they're just burrs but oh my god they're dirty am i.going to get an infection .... Aaaah!"
 
My 5 year old mare would write something along the lines of

"Human won't play with me? should I try Parelli"?

So the human comes into the field today armed with the hose pipe, barrow and large trug. She puts the hose in the trough and goes about poo picking. I went over to her and shoved my head into her for a scratch. She obliged for a minute then walked away. I followed and pulled her pony tail, bit her bum, raided her pockets and she pushed me away. So I tipped her half full barrow over (which I thought was hilarious!) while she cursed and stood it up, I picked up the poo rake and hooned off with it. Now with the human in tow, waving her arms I dropped the rake and ran over to the trough to grab the hose. I pulled it out and pointed it in her direction. Problem was, the human didn't look happy? She left to empty the barrow so I stole the huge tub trug and went off up the field with it. That will teach her!

How can I make her bond with me? I've tried fun, kisses, grooming. Should I try Parelli??

My gelding on the other hand would be something along the lines of:

"HELP"

The human is abusing me, quick give me the number for pony line!
Every day this week she catches me and brings me onto the yard for some hay. Lovely, I think. Then I smell it! Disinfectant and iodine! Arrrrgggghhhhh! She scrubs my feet out (which I hate and make this clear by being a pain) she then puts this horrible yellow stuff on. Then she goes about cleaning and creaming all my scrapes, that the ASBO mare has given me as all she wants to do is play! After its all done she gives me a carrot, but its that last sneaky carrot when she turns me out that makes me forget and I get caught again the next day! Sigh.
 
My boys would also cry starvation and question why the wooly idiots of the family get mollassed food AND a bucket of solid molasses to lick at.
 
I actually think Geoff would be a lot like me!!! Lots of gushing (my human is coming on so well!! I've trained her now not to over rock her pelvis in canter so I can sit up and use my back! We had a great lesson with Auntie K today, and she have me a polo for being so patient and finally getting the result I wanted from my human. She's even getting more confident at jumping!!)

Then, like me, a bit of a panicker (DISASTER!! I pulled off a shoe today and now I am DYING. My human keeps poking it - and then leaves me INSIDE. I've tried shouting at her, I even got a bit angry but she just didn't listen. I'm going to die in this stable.)
 
For the little old lady it would be

'Over Attentive Human - How to get them to desist?'

'One obviously deserves more attention than the other equines here and being a Princess I should obviously have handmaidens attending to my every need. However, the main human is driving one mad!

She is constantly looking at one's physique, measuring one's belly with some sort of measuring tape, spends hours mixing odd looking soup for one to digest and watches one carefully to make sure that one eats all of one's soup.

Her very worst habit though is when she sticks her nose in to the softest piece of my coat right in front my ear, breathes deeply and then KISSES me for goodness sake! And one would really rather she didn't hug me ALL the time!

What on earth do you do with these obsessive humans??'
 
Are humans all blind or just stupid? My human really can't see the troll in the shady corner of the school and makes me go past it and one day it's going to GET me. Welsh mare is also scared of it and big mare and old bloke know it's there even though they are not as scared as me and Welsh mare.

They'll be sorry when it gets us...
 
Ah, now that's what I call a morning for a game...what d'you fancy? Pull-yer-rug-off? No? Oh, well.

That one? Over by the gate?

Oh, he's a lovely sort, very genuine. You know, one of them types who'll look after you...very affectionate, always up for some craic. Not that he's an easy ride, mind...very green for his age, I'll have to say.....to be truthful, he needs to learn to carry himself properly yet...but he's coming on lovely. And he's starting to settle and listen to me into a fence. But not much of an instinct for self-preservation.....he'll not spot the monsters till we're on them, I've always got be the one looking out....But it's always the way, isn't it? Once they learn to trust you....

No, no, he's not for sale. He's what I'd a call a keeper...he was off the yard for a bit and you got to miss him something terrible, you know.

Oh, 18,000 Euros? Now, if you could see yer way to bid me 20....
 
Choccy this morning would have said:

"I hate mozzies but I hate this flyrug more. Why can't I have one that fits and stays put? My human says it does fit me, I just need to be less fat. I don't like her."
"My human can't ride me this week as I have a bruised sole. I'm damned if I'm letting her put iodine on it though - watch me fly round the field in trot and canter at breakfast time, muttering at me as she tried to catch me. I don't like her."
"It's mid-morning and she's turned up with the trailer, what's going on? Watch me gallop to back of field and take the youngster with me. No fear of us getting into that trailer today. I don't like her."
"My human has caught the stupid youngster and is leading him away from me towards the trailer, COME BACK NOW BOTH OF YOU! I trot after them. I don't like either of them."
"My human has tied a haynet to the field fence and she says it's to keep me busy. I will be busy eating this. Yum yum. What a lovely surprise. I love her."
"My human has craftily led the youngster outside the field and is trying to load him but I'm calling him back. How dare she try and dupe me with a haynet and take him away. I trot up and down the field calling him. I don't like her."
"Hee hee, the youngster has refused to load thanks to me! My human is swearing and has just put the youngster back in the field and the human is now walking towards the feed shed. I adore her."
"Wow, my human has reappeared with a bucket of food. I am following her across the field, so is the youngster. Bug off youngster, this is for me. I am following the bucket. Youngster is following me. I love my human."
"NOT FAIR! NOT FAIR! Human has dived out of the gate with youngster and bucket of food. And he has got on board the trailer following that bucket of food. And I can hear him munching it on board the trailer. And now they're driving away. She's going out without me. She's taken the youngster away. All I've got is this haynet and a flyrug that's too small. I am trotting up and down the field. I don't like her at all."
 
Suechoccy said:
Choccy this morning would have said:

"I hate mozzies but I hate this flyrug more. Why can't I have one that fits and stays put? My human says it does fit me, I just need to be less fat. I don't like her."
"My human can't ride me this week as I have a bruised sole. I'm damned if I'm letting her put iodine on it though - watch me fly round the field in trot and canter at breakfast time, muttering at me as she tried to catch me. I don't like her."
"It's mid-morning and she's turned up with the trailer, what's going on? Watch me gallop to back of field and take the youngster with me. No fear of us getting into that trailer today. I don't like her."
"My human has caught the stupid youngster and is leading him away from me towards the trailer, COME BACK NOW BOTH OF YOU! I trot after them. I don't like either of them."
"My human has tied a haynet to the field fence and she says it's to keep me busy. I will be busy eating this. Yum yum. What a lovely surprise. I love her."
"My human has craftily led the youngster outside the field and is trying to load him but I'm calling him back. How dare she try and dupe me with a haynet and take him away. I trot up and down the field calling him. I don't like her."
"Hee hee, the youngster has refused to load thanks to me! My human is swearing and has just put the youngster back in the field and the human is now walking towards the feed shed. I adore her."
"Wow, my human has reappeared with a bucket of food. I am following her across the field, so is the youngster. Bug off youngster, this is for me. I am following the bucket. Youngster is following me. I love my human."
"NOT FAIR! NOT FAIR! Human has dived out of the gate with youngster and bucket of food. And he has got on board the trailer following that bucket of food. And I can hear him munching it on board the trailer. And now they're driving away. She's going out without me. She's taken the youngster away. All I've got is this haynet and a flyrug that's too small. I am trotting up and down the field. I don't like her at all."
Click to expand...

I think Choccy and Hovis need to be friends on ForelockBook.
 
And my youngster would have said:

"The human bribed me onto the trailer with food. It was yummy. I love her."
"We are going somewhere, I shall munch this hay net in the trailer. I love her."
"We have arrived. OMG where are we? OMG we've been here once before when I was 10 mths old and there were 2 other youngsters in hand and we all wheeled round our humans and got hyper. Why did she bring me here? Where are the other horses? I don't like her."
"OMG WHAT ARE THOSE FIVE WHITE THINGS?"
(geese outside corner of arena at friend's yard)
"OMG TAKE THEM AWAY - LET ME LOOK AT THEM - WOW - I'M OUTTA HERE BUT MUST HAVE A CLOSER LOOK FIRST... human doesn't exist, just me and the scarey geese."
(human's friend shuffles geese out of sight into a stable)
"Where have the five white monstrs gone. They must still be in that corner. I shall avoid that corner at all costs."
(Humans tack youngster up and lead him into school)
"PAH! Lungeing. Not going near Goose Corner. I shall be expressive. She can't make me lunge. YeeHAH (expressing myself on 2 legs!). I don't like her."
"Still lungeing, she seems to be making me lunge. Being expressive isn't dissuading her. A few more YEEHAH moments. Nope, didn't work, still being lunged. I guess I'll just walk and trot as she says. I don't like her."
(Lungeing ceases, riding in arena takes place).
"Well that was ok, walking and trotting although I wish the human would make her mind up which way to go instead of keep turning and circling me inside this fenced rectangle of chopped carpet. The geese never came back. What geese. I am unbothered by geese. I love geese. We do such interesting things together.I love my human."
(Lesson ends, untack, wash down).
"Mmmm, bucket of food, mmmm, follow bucket onto trailer. I love my human."
(15 mins later am back at home and unloaded into field to be reunited with Choccy)
"I am blowing raspberries at Choccy. I've been out. You haven't. Ner ner ner her. Me is the chosen one today, not you. Ha ha, I love my human."
 
My yearling would definitely post something along the lines of "Not sure what's wrong with the humans - they don't appear to appreciate my help with wheelbarrow tipping, water bucket emptying or grooming kit throwing. They also keep mentioning this word "fat" and saying something about me "pushing the boundaries"...does anyone know what this means? Oh oh oh I also managed to throw an empty water bucket almost 10metres today - HOW COOL IS THAT?!!"
My ridden 11yo would say "I know that the fly spray has poison in it, why doesn't the human realise this?!!! I can't cope with it being near me...it LITERALLY kills me!"
19yo Exie would be giving it "Is anyone else a nanny?! I NEED A BREAK! How much do you charge? I can arrange transport! The yearling is driving me crazy - she never stops hassling me, I quit!"

Love this thread!!
 
MerrySherryRider said:
Mare would start a thread entitled, 'I'm too beautiful to work'.
Click to expand...

Geoff would reply going "Me too. Look:

IMG_1138.jpg

IMG_1139.jpg


"
 
Mine would ask:

Is it possible to over-jump your human? how often do you all jump with your human? I'm concerned because we only ever seem to do it once a week max, and the absolute best bit, the cross country, only maybe once a month. Should I be worried? Is it normal that we don't do it every day? I am concerned that she keeps making me do silly circles and going out on the roads. I think we should be jumping every day, and the good bit where we go galloping across fields jumping stuff (once she's taken those stupid, uncomfortable plaits out and that stupid poncing bit is out of the way), surely that should be at least a couple of times a week?
 
Smokes would spend all his time in C&T, posting about his latest brilliant escapades where he triumphed completely and does everyone know he is possibly one of the best ponies you could ever wish to meet? His ego has never been so big right now, he is on cloud 9 all the time and completely blown away by his own brilliance!

Reg would be the one asking how to post pictures, failing 10 times in a row and then never posting again. But reading stuff and laughing at people quietly :D
 
MerrySherryRider said:
Fat Boy would start a petition urging that soaking hay be made illegal.

Mare would start a thread entitled, 'I'm too beautiful to work'.
Click to expand...

Crikey - do we own the same horses? My fat boy is a 21 year old cob, who in human form would be Phil Mitchell, who would say the above, but would also bitterly complain that his muh keeps givin him sloppy kisses, so sawt it.

Our mare, well yes she can and does say this, but she does actually enjoy her job, which is eventing. She would probably bitterly complain that the Bollinger was not chilled enough, and that her hooves were getting dirty, dahlings.
 
My mare would post endless threads asking for treat ball reviews, haynet reviews, and how best to avoid the nasty instructor man who makes her work very hard.
 
My mare would be something like... "Why, as a princess, does my human insist on stabling me next to some horrible young gelding? He continues to stick his face near mine despite how many times I squeal at him to get lost. I am much displeased. I will continue to squeal whenever human is around in order to show her my displeasure but will resign myself to standing quietly when nobody is watching as of course I wouldn't want to lose my voice..."

or

"Scraggy yearling has jumped the fence again, I'm already unhappy about having to share a field in the day and feel that I should at least get some privacy at night. He, however, is too scared to lay down on his own (pathetic) and insists on coming to lay at my feet after we have both eaten our hay. Unfortunately human caught him doing this yesterday morning and now thinks I actually like him! I assure you all that I was about to kick him."

Poor baby horse would simply be.

"HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS AT NEW YARD? BIG MARE ALWAYS LOOKS ANGRY. HOW DO I GET HER TO LIKE ME??"
 
Big orange boy.... internet.....what the ***** the Internet? Wow...thats too scary....I may have to hide from this internet thing...I'm sure it's the spawn of satan...no, hang on, that's them sheep things...
Bert....I'm abused, call international horse rescue... she puts a muzzle on me ......I'm so abused and only weigh 500kg! (he is 16hhh, but a porker)
Panjo.... bonjour mes amis....I am the chosen one...Please form an orderly queue for my auto graph.....oh...you need a kitten rescuing from a tree...of course I'll help....you need a special guest to open your school fête. ?.I'll be there
 
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