What Would Your Horses Say If They Had A Forum?

Mine would probably say words to the effect of: "Oh FFS WHEN is she gonna sort herself out. We've been shampooed, trimmed, hooves painted, shod, physio'd, dentisted, and had enough saddle fitting visits to last a lifetime plus new girths, posh bridles, new fluffy fleece rugs, etc etc, yet the "two legged one" goes around with mucky clothes with holes in, hay in her hair, breeches have holes in the most indelicate of places and she's always complaining she's skint LOL
 
OCD . . . does YOUR owner have it?

He's grey . . . and he's the dirtiest, messiest, grossest boy EVER, so he gets a spot wash most mornings to remove all the poo stains (yes, I know, stripping the oils from his coat, etc., but he will be clipped and rugged come winter and is stabled at night, so hardly a problem). I swear he sighs and rolls his eyes when he sees me advancing with the hose and a sponge . . . but I can't stand a yellow grey.

P
 
Fred would be in the non-human part of the forum posting about help for his social anxiety/OCD tendencies.
"So tonight, I was left on my own. For 15 seconds while my housemate walked round the corner. I couldn't see him. I thought I was going to die"

Gam would just keep up to date with everyone's comp reports and offer everyone really good detailed advice on training their humans to showjump despite being retired himself.
 
I think Bilbo would post something like -

Rescue Human - is she too fat?

I rescued my Human in January, she was very nervous and took a lot of gentle handling to get her to trust me. I've managed to find out a bit about her past history - she was treated badly by something called an OH who sent her to the sales and she lost a lot of condition. She is now obviously happy and contented (I can tell that because she doesn't shake when she gets on me) and this must have helped with her condition, but I think she has probably been getting in to the feed bins when I wasn't looking. She would like me to think she is in 'show condition' but I expect most of you would say she is a bit porky. Can you give me some good exercises to do with her please, to get her in better shape. I don't want to frighten her though, having come this far. Thank you.

Oh and PS Does anyone have any good tips on removing a Shires De Luxe Grazing Muzzle please? (It should be a Sticky)
 
Why am I wasting so much time on the f eck in' internet? Absolute shight. There are better things to do with my time, like grazing, eating hay, telling my neighbor she's a useless nag, or training my human. No one on the web knows what they're talking about. You want good dressage advice or human training help, work with an expert (like me) in real life. Get off the damned internet. Jesus, horses, come on.

-Gypsum
 
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The young Appy would not like the fact that threads moved,, anything that isn't in the same place as it was the last time she looked causes panic. The ridden Appy would want to discuss dangerous flowers, particularly purple ones and to tell everyone how much she likes large vehicles!
The draught mare would be boasting about how hard she is and then how she snogs her humans.
The young cob would start a thread "Whatever" :D
 
The loan horse would start a new thread entitled 'how to dump your human without them expecting it', probably with a photo showing him looking as if butter wouldn't melt in his mouth.

Tinner would reply politely and helpfully to everyone else's threads, but not blow his own trumpet whereas Harley would be shouting 'I've won a rosette you know, and I beat that fat cob and he's 12 years younger then me, don't be daft it's not a fun ride, it's the Derby and I won, and ... FLOWER! Brakes on, half pass to far hedge, snort, poop... Back to snorting dragon horse again!
 
Apollo (27 yo Arab) would be like: SHE CALLED ME OLD! How dare she call me an old boy I am in my prime! I am not going grey and that's not arthritis I just like a leisurely walk to ensure everyone has seen me. Well I showed her, steady canter ha! galloped up the downs this morning so fast human said she thought she had gone blind! Decided to remind her i am still young by jogging all the way home and jumping sideways down the road. Put in a mini rear just for the hell of it when we got to the gate. Bit knackered now though, might just rest my eyes for a bit.... Going to be sore tomorrow.... Ooof feeling a bit stiff now.... Oh yes dinner is here, oh she remembered to bring my mints today, Old boys like me need their treats you know!

Boomerang (5 yo cob) would say: Omg life is brilliant! Mum took me out for a hack on my own! Haven't done that for ages since Jack arrived. It was brilliant! Mum said I was brilliant! I got to canter up the big hill, brilliant! I saw Jasper and Socks on way home, we trotted together it was brilliant! Saw four tractors, brilliant! I love tractors chasing them is brilliant! Omg landlady at pub gave me a beer! Brilliant! Omg I got given a FEED when we got home, brilliant! Hey Jack today was BRILLIANT!

Jack (liveries 5yo cob) : they LEFT me! I'm telling my mum.....
 
Mine would say 'Help!

All the crops in the local fields have disappeared! Clearly something has eaten them...what is it? It must be really big and scary if it can eat that much, that quickly!!! Will it eat me next? Why doesn't the stupid human notice what has happened? This monster might be in that bush over there!!! OMG now there's a LEAF on the path...I need to get home and do some comfort eating'.
 
Mickey... In the hunting forum...

"2 months until Hunting with Hound dogs - soooo excited!!!!!"

2 MONTHS until the opening meet. Anybody else started Hound Exercising yet? So excited to meet the hound dogs. And jump huuuge hedges. And terrify the human. And see my friends. And gallop across stubble fields. And jump huuuuge hedges. And see hound dogs.......

Bay pony. After much deliberation...

in Competition and training

"The benefits of positive reinforcement in training your human..."

I attend University with my human and have been pondering how we train our people. My friends at home use negative reinforcement, Mickey for example likes to threaten Capriole when he's meant to be waiting at a gate out hunting. At first he used to have to do a full capriole, but he has taught the human to react when he goes tense now and she takes action sooner. This means it worked.

At university my new friends had a different approach, they ignore the humans until the human does the right thing. When the human asks right they respond. This is positive reinforcement.

I have trialled both tactics this summer under controlled conditions. Example one - positive reinforcement. Ignore the human, avoid all eye contact. Until she brings a treat. Them make much of her. And make she knows how happy you are with her response. She very quickly realises that bringing sweets means a positive reaction. Example two - negative reinforcement. Standing on humans foot when she approaches without treat. This was unsuccessful. Human simply wore steel toe capped boots and told me to look where I was putting my feet. This upset me as I don't like being told off. So I tried a completely new experiment. Example 3 - negative reinforcement. I was in the field and decided I wanted to come (it looked like rain and I really fancied a good nights sleep inside) If the human ignored me I ran up and down the fence. If she reacted wrongly like putting a rug on me, I ran up and down the fence line shouting. When she brought me in, I nonchalantly ignored her and ate my hay without making a fuss. This left the human confused. I was no longer worrying her by threat of hurting myself (hah as if I'd hurt myself on purpose), but nor did I make it clear that I did want to come in.

Sorry for rambling on, but I'd like to hear your thoughts on training your human? How do you do it? What's most successful? I'd like to take my human up the levels eventing, but don't want to put too many miles on the clock as her joints aren't the best now. So the most efficient training technique is needed. Thank you!
 
Mine would start a thread titled 'What are lickits?' - I've heard the other horses in my field raving about these yummy fruity lickits their humans hang up in their stables. How come I never get these? All I get is umollassed *****e and she still says I'm too fat. Its soooo hard being a good do-er. Think I'll crap in the water bucket as I am so deprived of yummy treats. Life is so unfair. Wish I was a skinny thoroughbred,
 
Bonkers2 said:
I hesitate to ask, but has anyone ever had a horse speak to them?
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Don't laugh, but my mum is a very non-horsy Reiki master. I convinced her to send Geoff some reiki via distance, where she said the weirdest thing happened - she felt the energy come back to her, and got a very clear picture of him moving his front legs 'like he was dancing'. How was my nonhorsy mum, who has never seen Geoff other than when plaited at a show, know that when he's excited (esp at dinner time) he alternates striking the ground with his front feet???

She is now adamant that she's going to learn to 'speak' to him... Part of me is a bit weirded out, another quite fancies the idea, and yet another thinks it seems very far fetched...
 
Going off subject, and from khalswitz's post, I had a very strange experience with my cob. He had an arthritic flare up in the hot weather and refused to move. Managed to coax him back to his stable and called the vet. I sat in his stable on my mounting block and waited for the vet, and he stood and put his chin on my head. All I could hear was a wounded screaming and the word help said over and over again. I went to the loo and my daughter sat where I had been and she had the same experience. After he had been pumped full of painkillers I got nipped all over and I can swear I heard the words thank you in my head, as did my daughter.

Didnt weird me out,as I do go to a reiki master regularly for treatment myself, and am open minded. It was a change from his usual 'gimme grub muh and then **** off;.
 
My dad's a Reiki master. Must have a chat with him about animals at some point.

I suspect Monty's thread would be along the lines of "Why doesn't the human understand that SLOW signs painted on the road are the most terrifying thing ever? Is *she* slow?"
 
What do you mean "if they had a forum"I have been posting for years on here using mikes user name ,(Mike ,did you never consider the full implications of my job description "gentleman's hack")
 
TheoryX1 said:
Going off subject, and from khalswitz's post, I had a very strange experience with my cob. He had an arthritic flare up in the hot weather and refused to move. Managed to coax him back to his stable and called the vet. I sat in his stable on my mounting block and waited for the vet, and he stood and put his chin on my head. All I could hear was a wounded screaming and the word help said over and over again. I went to the loo and my daughter sat where I had been and she had the same experience. After he had been pumped full of painkillers I got nipped all over and I can swear I heard the words thank you in my head, as did my daughter.

Didnt weird me out,as I do go to a reiki master regularly for treatment myself, and am open minded. It was a change from his usual 'gimme grub muh and then **** off;.
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Yep, mine only spoke to me once he said "don't leave me here", it was as clear as a bell.
I am not a fluffy bunny.
 
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