When is enough enough?

oscarwild

oscarwild

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Well my horse has not been the heathiest over the last year with eye ulcer, gut issues and currently a pelvis/hind leg issue. A couple months ago vet advised a scan but we are stiff waiting to hear if nfu will cover. He came off all meds as his guts settled down and has been on field rest for months bar the one day we tried the dressage show. Since he came off meds he has been a total nightmare. He slipped coming in the other day and had a proper mad turn. At this point I decided it was time to do some serious thinking about the next step.

After deciding that putting Oscar to sleep was going to be the best option I tried to talk to my OH who is abroad working. He came up with the we need to be strong for Oscar and give him all the support Oscar required. To which I replied to him and said I have nothing left to give Oscar I cant do it anymore. As you guys have probably decided it didnt end well on the topic. But I went off and contacted my vet about him. Told him my thoughts on what I wanted to do and he said he gave me full support on the PTS issue. He offered to talk to my OH on the phone but I said that it may be better to wait til he got home.

Well after making the decision I am finding it so hard to keep hm going until OH comes homes. So I'm going to speak to vet over the weekend and see if he'll advise OH its right thing to do so I can get it over with. Not sure whats best to do to be honest.

And to top things off I have been riding horses for my YO and have fallen in love with one. We discussed money etc and have a deal on livery but my OH has said he concerned about cash etc. But the slight problem is that this horse is currently residing in my stable

Can anyone offer any advice?
 
Can't offer advice, but my OH is a bit the same. We've had a very sick mare, who is now back in hospital - this time with a different issue. My OH thinks the sun shines out of the mare's backside, whereas I am the one who actually cleans up what comes out of the mare's backside. She is lovely, and I wouldn't want to lose her, but when she was sick and there was a chance that we might have had to consider PTS, he made the decision so much harder by not supporting me when I voiced that we might lose her. He doesn't contribute to her keep or vet's bills, doesn't get up early to muck out and do the dirty work, but feels that he's entitled to an opinion. It makes it very hard sometimes, but at the same times, it's nice to know that he does care about her.
 
Honest opinion?

Hmmmm, sad situation to be in. I can see that your OH obviously wants to do the best by your horse, but at the end of the day, it is the horse that has to be considered first and foremost.

The Vet and yourself obviously think that the time is right now. I think you have a great Vet if he is willing to speak to your OH for you by the way.

If it was my OH then he'd have no say in the matter, if the Vet told me it was the right thing to do, and I felt that there was no benefit to keeping a horse going for a few more weeks then that would be that. Sentiment loses every time over the ultimate responsibility I have to my animals.
 
Yes my vet is brilliant. He really was a good find. lol.

My OH is proving to be really hard to break. I sat down yesterday to have a proper discussion about it as I feel the situation cant wait until he gets home sometime before christmas as the cold weather is making the horse really suffer. We are now not talking to each other. He feels the vet has pushed this on and and I'm not strong enough to say that its wrong. But I was the one who asked the vet about PTS. He just cant get his head round it. And I know if the vet speaks to him its going to be full on war.
Am now just so confused but the vet is going to check him over before he talks to him Monday.

I have been a little naughty and spoken to my OH mum who said its my decision and she will phone him today. She wont say we have spoken but he will tell her what happened. And she will put my point across as he may listen to her better.

Oh how I feel confused about everything
 
Sorry, no advice on how to get your OH to see sense and realise that the horse needs to be put first but I can understand how you feel.

The only thing I would say is that this "new horse" might be a step too far for him immmediately - I'm sure that it isn't like this but I bet he'll see it as the reason Oscar is pts so he can be replaced and cause even more ructions.

Is there any way that the YO will hold onto him for you until everything calms down?

ETA - if Oscar is your horse, the decision is yours and only yours - but if he belongs to both of you then you then your OH has got an equal say. JMHO
 
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Does your OH understand there is no hope for the horse to come sound and that it would be unfair for him to be a field ornament? (I take it this is not an option?)
 
This is a hard situation for you. If you feel that Oscar is suffering then you need to do the right thing and have him pts weather the OH agrees or not. You said that your OH told you to be strong for Oscar well to be strong for him you need to do what is best for Oscar. I hope your mil can help you with this she sounds like one of the good ones. x
 
because OH is not faced with seeing Oscar everyday he cant see the full extent of what you are talking about, therefore he is finding it difficult to let him go and be at peace. I would (if possible) OH comes home and you make the decision jointly. if its not possible for him to see hi in the flesh can you take a recording and send it to him or show him?

I do however wonder if now you have fallen in love with this new horse that oscar has become a 'burden', hence you want to pts asap. I also wonder if it maybe too soon for OH to accept another horse.
 
You tell him that if he really loves your horse as much as you do, he would agree it was the kindest thing to do as it is unfair to let him suffer. I know it a very hard and upsetting decision to have to make, but you owe it to the horse to be able to make the decision when the time is right in return for all of the joy and happiness he has given you over the years.
 
Blimey, difficult one this.
I am in a different situation in that there is only me to make these decisions when the time comes.
However...does your OH feel the need to say goodbye to Oscar? Is it possible that Oscar was not as bad when OH went away as he is now? Is it difficult for OH to comprehend rapid deterioration in poor Oscar?
Could you make a video of Oscar and email it to OH, I feel sure if he can see Oscar has deteriorated he will come to terms with it and agree with you. At the moment he is probably scared for you having to deal with this on your own.
Your vet is being bril and I for one have not yet met a vet who WANTS to put a horse to sleep, all have given the horse every possible chance as yours has done.
Best of luck in a hard situation.
Bryndu
 
this sounds SLIGHTLY similar to what happened to me when i had my old horse PTS. She was arthritic (and young) it was so sad, her quality of life was dwindling away and i was paying a fortune to keep a horse who i couldnt ride (which i had no problem with, i loved her all the same) i justified this because she was happy in the field, it came to a point where i just cudnt keep her field sound and i didnt think it was right to bute her up even more than she was. My OH loved the horse too but he didnt understand how much she was suffering, when i suggested that we have her PTS he said no, shes not that bad- but the vet agreed that she really was and i went ahead and had her put to sleep. My OH was like yours, abroad working and was away for the month and i couldnt face putting it off until he got back as i wanted to get it over with as we both knew it would be v painful for us. It was very hard with him not being here but sometimes i think men deal with things differently and he seemed to cope better being removed from the situation. I feel that if you even consider having a pet PTS, its probably beause deep down its the right thing to do. I wouldnt move onto this new horse right away if possible as it may upset ur OH and look like u are trying to replace your horse. But then again i waited about 6 months til i found a new one and i found it very difficult to adapt to the the loss of my best friend AND the change of lifestyle. I could never have replaced my last horse but i do feel it would have been easier to deal with if i had another horse to love. Best wishes, u obviously care alot about ur horse to have come this far- you will make the correct decision, although usually the correct decision is the hardest one to make.
 
mollylolly said:
because OH is not faced with seeing Oscar everyday he cant see the full extent of what you are talking about, therefore he is finding it difficult to let him go and be at peace. I would (if possible) OH comes home and you make the decision jointly. if its not possible for him to see hi in the flesh can you take a recording and send it to him or show him?
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I was going to suggest this too.
 
Thanks guys.
I dont know how the mother in law got on as she not in. But I'll find out when she gets back.

The decision about PTS was made a week before the new horse has came along. So she has had no play in the decision at all. The weather has dramatically changed and Oscar is now really suffering because of it. Thats why I now feel the time is right to do it asap and cant wait another 3 weeks or so for OH to come home.

Will let you guys know how this all pans out.
 
What if Oscar suddenly took a turn for the worse and there was no alternative to letting him go? You were intending to wait but Oscar took it into his own hands... if you see what I mean.

I fought long and hard with and for a pony we had and when the vet came to free her from the pain, my OH just said to him, "Are you sure this is the right time and the right thing to do?" The vet confirmed that to be so and our little old lady was allowed to take the rest from pain she so deserved. Let him go and deal with the OH later. I'm touched my OH thought enough of my girl to make completely sure I wasn't being hasty, but felt I knew the right decision was PTS and there was no real alternative.

I hope Oscar is allowed to go soon if that is the best for him.
 
is oscar jointly owned by both of you or is he all yours? im just wondering if he jointly owned and he is pts without OH consent then a whole can of worms could be opened.

hope Oscar is treated with kindness and the best decision is made.
 
He was bought as a present for myself.

Will talk everything through with vet tomorrow and see what he thinks is the best thing to do. Will let you guys know what decided tomorrow.
 
big hugs, having had to say goodbye to my 2 best friends in the space of 10 months i know what a difficult and heartbreaking decision it is. But becareful of taking on another one so soon, you are still grieving, i still grieve for my girl 14 months on, even tho i have a new baby now xxxxxxx
big hugs and big squeeze to Oscar x
 
mollylolly said:
I do however wonder if now you have fallen in love with this new horse that oscar has become a 'burden', hence you want to pts asap. I also wonder if it maybe too soon for OH to accept another horse.
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What an unpleasant thing to say to someone who is trying to do the responsible thing for an ill horse.
I do wonder why OP's OH thinks that the vet would advise PTS if it wasn't necessary. I've certainly never met a vet who would do that. In fact I have sometimes thought that the vet has tried to go on for too long.
IME having another horse to do is one good way of getting over the loss of a horse (as far as you can get over it).
My horses are shared ownership with my sister. We both know that if either of us is away, the other has to take full responsibility for doing whatever is necessary and have the discussion afterwards, if needs be.
If the horse is yours and the vet is advising pts, I know what I would do. The horse has to come first.
 
mollylolly said:
because OH is not faced with seeing Oscar everyday he cant see the full extent of what you are talking about, therefore he is finding it difficult to let him go and be at peace. I would (if possible) OH comes home and you make the decision jointly. if its not possible for him to see hi in the flesh can you take a recording and send it to him or show him?

I do however wonder if now you have fallen in love with this new horse that oscar has become a 'burden', hence you want to pts asap. I also wonder if it maybe too soon for OH to accept another horse.
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Have to say, I thought that too....sorry.
 
Right a little update for you guys.

The vet never made it up today due to the weather so he gave me a phone and asked how I got on with my OH. I explained we had a barny over the weekend about it and got his mum to have a chat to him. She got out of the conversation that he is hoping to get the scan done so we might know whats going on and if he can be saved so to speak.
I explained to the vet my reasoning behind why I dont want the scan and he agreed with me for my reasoning. He will however chase up nfu tomorrow so we can advice OH accordingly. And vet will touch base with me on Wed and see how I'm getting on, and if OH is coming to terms with it and how OScar is keeping in the meantime.
OH wont talk to me bout it and wont ask how OScar is doing. So I'm finding things very frustrating. I did however tell him vet wasnt up today due to the weather and that Oscar was really suffering in the weather and left it at that As I felt that was all he was able for.
We did however chat about this mare and he said that if I got a job I could have her.

So does anyone need any staff :P
 
im guessing your other half isnt 'horsey'? if not he probably doesnt realise how much the horse is suffering. The fact that the weather is getting terrible and he is really suffering kinda says to me u know what to do. It was a bout this time last year i was faced with the same heart breaking decision. At the end of the day YOU are the owner and its ur responsibility to make sure he has a good quality of life, so i feel you need to put your foot down here and if the OH cant accept your decision and trust your (and the vets) judgement then i think he is being very selfish. Also, i really dont want to offend especially as you are having such a hard time but is this your OH or your dad?! he says you can have the horse if you get a job? sounds like he likes to be in control. Maybe you need to take charge of the situation?
 
elsazzo said:
Also, i really dont want to offend especially as you are having such a hard time but is this your OH or your dad?! he says you can have the horse if you get a job? sounds like he likes to be in control. Maybe you need to take charge of the situation?
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A tad harsh! My OH said the same thing to me when I was buying our youngster. He was not being my Dad, he was basically pointing out that seeing as he was the sole breadwinner and was paying for EVERYTHING, having another pony to care for would be too much strain on the finances.

OP, you have my sympathy, its very difficult dealing with a non horsey OH or one that has never kept animals before and has never had to make such a hard decision. I'm sure the kids call me Doctor Death in our house :(. Do the best thing for Oscar - I am sure your OH will come around. Mine kept questioning my decision to put my old girl down last winter, right up to the point where the vet was getting the injection ready. I felt like screaming and hitting him, but I think he just couldn't bear to watch my heart break. He was looking for an alternative solution when there wasn't one and didn't really want to see her go. Because he's never had to put an animal to sleep I don't think he could see how cruel it was to try and keep her alive. Do what is needful - your OH will be glad you took the decision away from him, if he is as big a softie as mine.
 
Is Oscar in so much pain that it cannot be held at bay for 3 weeks until your OH gets home?

I know that it's hard once you have decided that pts may be the best, but if you can make a horse pain free he can be happy for a short time surely? If not, then it becomes a welfare issue to keep alive, but I'm not sure you've said exactly what the problem is? (I may well have missed it).

I think I would be chasing the NFU relentlessly to secure funding for the scan that the vet recommended. I would also keep the horse going on pain relief until OH got home (it's 3 weeks, not 3 months afterall).

I would also refrain from posting about another horse that I wished was in my stable rather than this one if I objected to people commenting that perhaps I'd found something better and wanted rid of the problem one asap.
 
indiat said:
A tad harsh! My OH said the same thing to me when I was buying our youngster. He was not being my Dad, he was basically pointing out that seeing as he was the sole breadwinner and was paying for EVERYTHING, having another pony to care for would be too much strain on the finances.

OP, you have my sympathy, its very difficult dealing with a non horsey OH or one that has never kept animals before and has never had to make such a hard decision. I'm sure the kids call me Doctor Death in our house :(. Do the best thing for Oscar - I am sure your OH will come around. Mine kept questioning my decision to put my old girl down last winter, right up to the point where the vet was getting the injection ready. I felt like screaming and hitting him, but I think he just couldn't bear to watch my heart break. He was looking for an alternative solution when there wasn't one and didn't really want to see her go. Because he's never had to put an animal to sleep I don't think he could see how cruel it was to try and keep her alive. Do what is needful - your OH will be glad you took the decision away from him, if he is as big a softie as mine.
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I wasnt being harsh at all. Like I said, i understand that she is having a hard time as i have been in a similar situation. But I feel that when we ask questions on here we should expect honest answers. I dont mean we should just be rude to one another but i do feel that you should expect a degree of honesty that you may not get if you asked those around you who we know in the flesh. If my partner said to me you can have X if you get a job I would feel rather patronised because i know i can have whatever i want if i am paying for it.
 
elsazzo said:
im guessing your other half isnt 'horsey'? if not he probably doesnt realise how much the horse is suffering. The fact that the weather is getting terrible and he is really suffering kinda says to me u know what to do. It was a bout this time last year i was faced with the same heart breaking decision. At the end of the day YOU are the owner and its ur responsibility to make sure he has a good quality of life, so i feel you need to put your foot down here and if the OH cant accept your decision and trust your (and the vets) judgement then i think he is being very selfish. Also, i really dont want to offend especially as you are having such a hard time but is this your OH or your dad?! he says you can have the horse if you get a job? sounds like he likes to be in control. Maybe you need to take charge of the situation?
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My OH is not horsey and had been asking for a long time to get 'rid' of mine, as he only saw him when he got back from loan and looked minutes froim death. When I had him PTS last week, 2 years after, I was not crying but OH was, so I do not think it fair to say that because he is not horsey he does not understand, however I do agree with absolutly everything else you have said xx
 
sugar plum fairy said:
My OH is not horsey and had been asking for a long time to get 'rid' of mine, as he only saw him when he got back from loan and looked minutes froim death. When I had him PTS last week, 2 years after, I was not crying but OH was, so I do not think it fair to say that because he is not horsey he does not understand, however I do agree with absolutly everything else you have said xx
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hi again,

firstly I am so sorry about your sad news, however you clearly made the right decision and i hope you can take some comfort in that. It really is SUCH a hard decision. I maybe didnt word that right, what i meant was that sometimes non horsey people dont understand that just because the horse doesnt look really ill doesnt mean it isnt. I had to explain this to my family when i had my horse pts because she looked normal but she was terribly lame and getting worse but this isnt visible to the uneducated eye! .........men are such softies, i find its always them who take these things the hardest. for instance my mum always had dogs and my dad always complained about them yet it was him who always found it hardset to cope when we had any of them pts.

I hope you guys get a chance to grieve and enjoy the memories you have of your boy- they last forever, and best of luck when you do decide to take on the next one x
 
^^^^^^

Hi, sorry I hope I did not cause offrence, thanks for your kind words, and Yes you are right, these hard men do crumple, BLESS.

I know what you mean though about they look fine, so they are!!!!! xx
 
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