when it all goes horribly wrong.

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Wibbly

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6 weeks ago, I bought horse after a long break (7years) from riding/ horses. I am 30-odd with 3 children and hate to say it, but not as fit as I used to be and on the heavy side!

Before the break I was very experienced and had horses from childhood, did lots of competing and had qualified up to BHS stage 2.

Before buying I had been loaning a horse for 6 months and had backed him and he was riding away. I thoroughly enjoyed this and it was the ground work and building a bond etc that gave me a thrill more than actually riding.

I decided to get my own and found a show cob...not what I went out to buy but he was gorgeous and spoke to me! So I bought him....big mistake! He is a proper cob with an engine (so to speak) really forward going and active paces. strong and enthusiatic. Safe in everyway just way to good for me at this stage in my life and I have become petrified of him (riding) and have been making every excuse under the sun to get out of riding. I have been paying my instructor to ride! yes it is that bad! and she thinks he is fab.

Given my confidence is rock bottom. Worse than ever in my life time I have made the difficult decision to let him go and negotiated to send him back to where I bought him so as a more suitable owner can be found.

I feel like an idiot. I bought exactly the kind of horse I would have loved before I had children. But since becoming a mum I am a total wuss. I really cant bare the thought of being without a horse....having a horse is what makes me who I am. I am lost without them. But I am not sure I want to have to ride regularly. I would be happy to plod about a couple of times a week and just play with one the rest of the time. My chidlren arent interested. So no point getting a pony for them.

I just wonder what I should do. I really want my own rather than a share, or lessons. Any advice?
 
To be honest, I would still start with a share and some lessons, maybe hacks out from a good local riding school, then go back to the idea of buying. Ease yourself back in first, and also if you do this it will help you to clarify what you are looking for in your horse. You may even find your new best friend through the contacts you make.
 
Personnally I would say stop giving yourself a hard time.
It is true when we have kids our priorities change . What would happen ,heaven forbid, if we had a fall which left us unable to look after the little darlings.
Give yourself 6 months or a year if needs be, and get your confidence back. Then when you are ready go find yourself a new one and take a trusted friend/instructor with you.Perhaps consider something older, been there got the t shirt type who doesn't need riding everyday.
 
I can relate to this one. I had 10 year break, came back brought an ex riding school horse and was really surprised to find I had no confidence and used to dread riding it. I subsequently sold it and went through five more before I found the right one. In the meantime I was having lessons etc. It really is about the right horse but its terribly upsetting. I suggest that you under-horse yourself but even then I had schoolmasters on loan that started napping and made me feel totally hopeless but you will find the right one for you if you persevere and then your confidence creeps back when you aren't looking or are asleep!

Good luck
 
Happened to me the same after 10 year break.

I brought (and sold at great loss) five horses before the right one came along. Once you have the right horse your confidence will creep back when you are not looking - think mine used to come back in little drops at night. Don't be afraid to try different sorts/ages. I had a 17 year old schoolmaster on loan which started napping with me (never napped in its life) and that was a real low point. My saviour horse is a 16.2 then 4 year old who like you I had to get instructor to ride but she soon said hmmm this might work.

Good luck and persevere because it is worth it and so are you.
 
Hun stop giving yourself a hard time. When you lose your confidence it takes alot to get it back. Why not just look around for an older horse, maybe on loan and if you dont want to ride when you go to the yard then dont.
You dont have to put pressure on yourself, if you want to just do ground work then just do that. Sounds like with your last loan horse you built up alot of trust on the ground first. So maybe do that first with your next horse and make sure you feel comfortable riding before hopping on . Your confidence will come back it just takes time
 
I would not make yourself feel bad at all. You brought a horse but it's not right for you, many of us have been there!
I think sending him back is the right thing to do for both of you.
Maybe next time go for something *less* then you think you want, maybe something older/ploddier/smaller then you originally planned. Maybe something in it's mid teens, been there, done everything type. Not a horse that's flashy or needs any training/regular work. Then it doesn't matter if you don't want to ride for a few days as the horse is established and it doesn't need to be ridden.
I think there is a lot to be said for teenage horses. People can be snobby about age wanting something younger that they can keep for life when in reality you can't predict how long a horse will live for anyway so that's silly. My old horse died when he was 26 and the next one died when she was 9. Lots of teenage horses have years left and a 16 year old golden oldie may take you happily hacking and to local shows for the next ten years but be easy, established, safe and pleasurable to boot.
I would go for some lovely, older schoolmaster native, hairy type that may not be the prettiest but is low maintenance and more suitable for your circumstances :)
 
Been there, done that too! please don't beat yourself up about it, its funny how you change after kids and having a long break. Goodness when I remember what I used to get up to when I had ponies, nowadays I feel sick sometimes just about getting on! I think sending the horse back is a great idea, if only to release yourself from the guilt of not doing enough with him. If I were you I would have some lessons, just to take the pressure off yourself for a while. Then take an experienced person with you, who you can rely on to stop you making any purchases from the heart! Good luck and enjoy x
 
I too know how you feel. I took a break from riding (28 ish years!!)
Our Son is 14 now and pretty independent, so I took the opportunity to get some riding lessons. All went well and I decided to buy my own horse.

To cut a very long story short, my mare (described as a happy hacker) turned out to be a lot more horse than I am rider and has actually BE evented up to Novice level:eek:
I have been through some really trying times confidence wise, and coping with the frustration of not being the rider I used to be has been difficult.
I've hung in there, thanks to the incredible support of my friend, and it is getting better now.

I really admire you for having the courage to return your horse, and you will find the right one for you.
I would say that you have to try forget the rider you once were, everything about us changes as soon as we have children to love and take care of. Don't be so hard on yourself.
 
What a shame! That cob sounds great.

I echo what everyone says, I have not experienced it myself, but a dear friend has - also with a cob. Lots of tears, falls and bruises later she decided to actually keep him, but didn't ride him for 6 months (after realising you don't HAVE to ride your horse if you don't want to - there's no rule, is there?!). During the 6 months she worked with him on the ground, and eventually when she felt ready, got on. Fast forward 3 years to now - they are a fantastic team with no limitations. She has 2 kids and is fully aware of the added pressure that mums feel.

Keep your chin up and try and remain positive. Priorities do change as we get older and frankly, the best part about having your own horse is not the riding, is it? Horses also mostly don't care whether they are ridden or not.

Good luck and the right horse will be out there.
 
Mybe try a loan with a wtb??? Then you have that safety net should you need it. And you could always get a sharer yourself!!! Before my horses injury, you could leave her a week and then hop on and shed still be the sam safe and sane lovely ride as she was the week before....and she was a 6yr old ISH!!!

Just keep lookignn and trying and something will pop up thats perfect :)

Good luck, you deserve it!
 
Being a mum and getting older does change your mindset. You were just unlucky, but you did the right thing. I don't want to ride anything that isn't sane but fun. Don't feel too despondant, the right horse is out there. When looking for my last horse I wanted something that was easy, bombproof and had breaks. I love cobs, but what I have is an easy keeper, dark bay (doesn't show the dirt), left in the field during the snow then ridden after 3 weeks, no problem. She's a Hannoverian X TB, been there, got the T-shirt. Absolute dream to hack, real workman-like girl. Some horses you just click with, they inspire confidence.
Keep looking until you find one that when you ride makes you feel safe and you think 'Ah, I've come home'.
 
I was in the exact same boat as you. My horse is now on LWVTB, in the meantime I got a cob on loan over the winter period to try to give me back a bit of confidence and it has worked. The cob is still not easy but at 15.1 he is a lot smaller than my previous horse and fairly straight forward, I cant wait to go and buy another one and this time it will be a lot older been there done it type.

Liz
 
most of us have been there! IT is so hard

Oddly enough I ended up with a young WB he is forward going, loves life but I feel safe on him. yes he can be a bit bouncy sometimes and the first few months threatened and did rear (small) bucked a few times when communication was mixed up
But once he got confident in me there was a huge change in him and now he is great.
Main thing was I had to teach him that he had to stay calm when others were racing around. It took a bit of nerve but so far so good.

You will find the right one and then there will be no looking back

I too have to find confidence on the ground first!!
 
What a shame as it sounds like he is lovely but for some reason you have not 'clicked' with him. I think that's more the reason as opposed to him being 'too good' for you right now. No horse is TOO good, they are happy generally to do the level of work you want - ie less than maybe they are capable of. But, for some reason you are not confident on him and you are maybe doing the best thing admitting you and him are not to be.

My friend was in a similar situation but she has always had a horse. However, she had children and didn't ride so much and her horse she'd had since a 4 yo was just starting to slow down (aged 19) so my friend bought a 6mth old filly, the idea being for her to replace her older horse when she retired. However, even though she'd owned the mare form such a young age and she was a smaller package than her previous horse (15.2hh ish compared to 17hh ID!) she just never felt confident on her oddly. She was just a bit sharper i guess. She finally decided to sell her after umming and ahhing for a bit. That was just over a year ago now and since then she's gone and bought herself a HUGE 17hh ish ID x gelding (she wasn't even looking but he was being sold by a friend of a friend). Much bigger than her mare and the same age as when her mare was sold. The difference is though, even though he's still young she feels confident on him and is enjoying riding again.

It is funny, no matter how fabulous a horse may be, sometimes there's something that just doesn't click and, at the end of the day, for most of us anyway riding is supposed to be about enjoyment. If you don't enjoy it then there's something wrong!
 
Don't worry I did just the same. When I had young children I sold my horse and had a 10 year break. I was riding occasionally exercising big hunters and the children had a pony so it wasn't a complete break.

Bought a 5 year old TBX and I thought I would be eventing her the following year. NO!!
When faced with a 2' high fence my mouth went dry with fear and I just couldn't jump AT ALL. I also had a lot of handling problems because I was feeling nervous. Although she wasn't very big, she was a lot bigger than the ponies I had been handling. I was surprised at myself, I really didn't think I would be nervous or have any problems as I had been riding since the age of 7.

Luckily it all turned out OK (with some natural horsemanship help) inthe end and she was a nice horse and I had a lot of fun with her although I never got into jumping again. I bought a 2 year old after a few years and sold her on to a new home, but I still have the youngster who is now 12 - but we still don't jump much.

So - take it easy, don't beat yourself up. And as you can see from the other threads, it happens a lot. I am sure you will find a nice horse that you can get on with in time.
 
Don't worry yourself about it, a lot of people end up in this position for one reason or another and most don;t make the decision to send the horse back, to their detriment and sometimes that of the horse. So well done for that, its a really hard decision and you have said you feel like an idiot - you're not, how were you to know??

Re only wanting to ride 2 or 3 times a week. I am now 33, I don;t have children, but I have a full time job, a mortgage house, partner and two horses. One is retired. I haven't ridden for about two months. The weather was vile to start with (ice etc) and dark before and after work. I used to be at a yard with a school and would regularly make myself ride in the dark winter evenings, at 8pm or so, until I started to wonder why I was bothering. It was windy, wet, dark and cold and horrid. I didn;t enjoy it and nor did the horse. So now we hack when we fancy in the winter and school occasionally (but hack more often than not) in the summer!

It takes a lot to realise and admit to what you really want, which you have done. You will easily find a horse to suit you, maybe something a bit older (my retired boy is 30, retired last year, have had him since he was 18) that wants a bit of a quieter life.

Good luck in your search!
 
firstly, thanks for the support I was feeling very low and now feel much better.

Glad to know I am not the only one who has been here! I am going to offer to help a friend with her retired pony with grooming and taking for a walk each day whilst I think about my options.

You have all made some great suggestions and I am going to go and have a good think for a few weeks/ as long as it takes.

All I know is that just because I have lost my confidence with riding, I dont want that to mean the end of having horses.

Thanks all.
 
Hello Wibbly , you are not the first person to have bought the wrong horse,even very experienced people that I know hsave made mistakes. Please dont be too discouraged, you need a cob like mine,he is the 3rd quiet cob I have had so they do exist.Keep looking in a relaxed ,no pressure way while you ride other peoples horses and take lessons,and good luck.
 
You probably haven't lost your confidence in riding, just lost it with horses that aren't right for you.
If you were near to me, I'd put you on a horse that would quickly have you laughing and having fun again. Dear boy that he is. :D
 
Ditto what has been said. Motherhood does it to you I'm afraid. I used to be very gung-ho around horses, anything went really and I was afraid of nothing. I also had a ten year break and then started off buying daughter a pony and it went from there. I am now constantly aware of my own mortality and the worry of injury because I have children. There is always a little voice in my head saying "Oh watch that hindleg" "Don't get in amongst that you stupid woman" "I might get kicked/bitten/runover if I do that" and so it goes on....it is keeping a happy balance where you feel you are looking after yourself but not losing confidence along with it. I found that groundwork on a one-to-one basis quite regularly and spending time bonding helped me enormously too and for a while I was honestly the worlds biggest wuss. Good luck, I hope it all works out for you because he sounds like a nice sort too. :)
 
Been there too.....

First horse I bought after the 'kid break' was a TB event horse wanting a quieter life- only no-one had told him that...... he didn't actually do anything wrong really, I just lost my confidence with him. OH kept sending me off to ride him and the fitter he got, the worse I felt.

I actually sent him back to the dealer I got him from and swapped him for my previous horse who I had for many years until he died......thing was, although he was small and older- he was actually a more fizzy ride ( PBA)...but I just clicked with him and he taught me so much. I do often think of the original horse and what he ended up doing and wonder whether I should have stuck it out but hey....its a hobby, its supposed to be fun and if you are not enjoying it then its not right. My current horse would have terrified me back then.....its probably not that he's too good for you, or not right for you.....just that he's not right for you right now IYKWIM...
 
I think it depends what you feel safe on.

After a break of 4 years not riding at all, I got a coloured cob of about 15hh from a trekking centre. He terrified me for the entire 6 months I had him, I barely rode him, paid other people to and in the end he went to a riding school and proceeded to be used for nervous/disabled people!

Determined to give it one last shot at 37 I went and saw a wiry little 7/8ths T/B 10mins up the road. She was 13, 15.1 very cheap, I thought she may be a good hack and I fell in love. She was very very sharp and I would say on average I nearly came off her every time I rode her. She was awful in traffic (which did not matter too much where I lived), had dreadful feet, moved like a dream and could have jumped the moon. I used to go off on her for 2-3 hours sometimes, never worry and always know I would get home in one piece. She gave me such a lot of confidence, it was untrue.

Everybody said I would never ride her when I got her, how stupid I was to get her, I was scared of the cob etc etc, but she was the sort I was used to, I had lessons on her and she turned into a horse that I was accused of 'wasting' by several people by not competing her very much!

I will say though that I HAD to ride her at least 5 days a week. If she had too much time off I found it paid to feel suicidal before getting on! I think this helped as well, getting the 'hours' in the saddle.
 
You're not the only one! I'm not the most confident person, but anything of thoroughbred build, 16hh and under, I love riding, even if it's a nutter! The second you put me on a cob though I fall to pieces, I get paranoid about not having brakes, I don't have the strength the hold them uptogether and just feel perched on top though!

Have you considered getting a pony? At about 14.1/2hh? I just personally find smaller, lighter horses much easier to manage! I would go for a newfie x tb at about 15hh, if I wasn't so tall! (have a 16.1hh wb now!)
 
sms said:
Been there, done that too! please don't beat yourself up about it, its funny how you change after kids and having a long break. Goodness when I remember what I used to get up to when I had ponies, nowadays I feel sick sometimes just about getting on! I think sending the horse back is a great idea, if only to release yourself from the guilt of not doing enough with him. If I were you I would have some lessons, just to take the pressure off yourself for a while. Then take an experienced person with you, who you can rely on to stop you making any purchases from the heart! Good luck and enjoy x
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Totally agree with this, since having my kids I am way less confident than I used to be. I am/was a BHSII, used to compete regularly, would get on anything. Now I am quite happy if I have been out for a hack. Before I started riding my mare, who can be quite sharp I had some lessons at a riding school, just to remind myself I could do it. Perhaps consider this while you are looking for something else. Well done for admitting things were not working between the two of you tho, its often the hardest thing to do. I am sure your perfect best friend is out there somewhere!
 
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