When to give up?

[KikiDee]

I’m not really sure what I’m hoping for here other than to brain dump/vent so I apologise.

But I’m just not enjoying my horses any more and find myself wondering honestly what life would be like without all the additional stress and expense.

I’ve never not had the responsibility of a horse for over 20 years so my entire adult life, other than a short 3 months when I lost a horse suddenly before deciding to buy another. I work incredibly long hours so between work and the horses I’m out of the house from 6:30am-8:30pm and by the weekends I’m just a bit burnt out. Due to work I have one on full livery and one retired at grass livery, combined they cost me about £1500 a month.

I think what definitely isn’t helping is that ridden horse is difficult and I’m not sure he’s ever going to do the job I want. I had a pretty glum chat with my trainer earlier in the week where he sensitively told me that while I’ve done the best I can, he’s never going to improve much more and kind of is what he is at this point and he worries I’m investing a lot of time and emotional energy and getting little enjoyment back. His pragmatic view is I should sell and get something easier.

The problem is I don’t think I could sell, I’m a sentimental fool and horse was a bit of a nervous wreck when he arrived and I couldn’t just hand him off to an unknown future. He’s also the sort that in the wrong hands wouldn’t have a very nice future - he’s a talented jumper but sharp, strong and hard. For those reasons I’m also reluctant to loan. I can’t afford to keep 3 and no funds to buy the sort I’d want anyway without selling. He’s a fantastic hunt or team chase horse but he’s too old now for me to want him to go back to that (16 this year).

I’m not really sure why I’ve done such a 180’ in headspace, I’ve always been very committed to him and enjoyed the small wins but lately I just find him a bit exhausting, I love him but it feels like everything is a battle. He’s terrible to travel, incredibly strong, throws his toys out the pram when he’s not allowed to do what he wants and a general ball of anxiety. I can’t even take him round a Prelim test without him bolting out the ring. He is a brilliant jumping horse but he’s strong and opinionated and needs a hard rider which isn’t me, I often feel like I’ve ‘survived’ a ride rather than enjoyed it. Truthfully I’ve probably lost my bottle with him a bit although I don’t know why.

I make him sound awful and he isn’t, I love the bones off him and when my head is in the right space we do well together. I think mentally I’ve just kind of ‘given up’ on him a bit and my motivation to keep battling on with him and pushing myself is gone.

As I say, not sure what I’m hoping for sorry, any thoughts/advice or anyone who’s been in this position?

 

[Loosehorse!]

Bless you, that does sound like hard work. I know exactly how you feel. I had a difficult one to handle for very different reasons and because of that difficulty, I knew I couldn't pass him on elsewhere. I retired him to grass, but even handling to and from the field took some planning and risk assessment and nights of worry on my part. And yes, I did really love him, the big fluffy d*ckhead. This is something I'll only admit here because it's anonymous - the day he had a seizure in the field and had to be put to sleep, I felt relief. Even before the vet arrived. My life is a lot easier with just my mild mannered Connie to handle.

You sound like a compassionate, responsible owner and your horse is lucky to have you, but they are dangerous beasts sometimes and the weight of that responsibility is huge. You have my sympathy.

Would it be possible/ cost effective to turn him away on grass livery for a while?

 

[Skib]

Written before reading the above.
Your trainer is the person who knows you best and knows your horse. In your place, I would follow his advice. Sell this horse and look for another.

I am not a competitive, sports person rider - just an ancient RS sharer and hacker. But I do also like dressage and riding dressage tests. Any horse that I hack must be obedient and. responsive in a dressage school including eventually a fast canter (war horses were trained this way).

But however thoughtful and careful one is, there will always be horses who dont suit one nor respond nicely to a particular rider. There was a perfectly harmless hack at our local riding school whom I simply could not control up the long "gallop". She was called Sonnet. I stopped riding her and instead hacked a zippy Connie who was generally regarded as more difficult but with whom I clicked on our very first ride.

That said, your safety should be the top priority. Dont do anything that frightens you because your instinct is warning you of the risk.

 

[VictoriaSponge]

I’m a big believer in time being a healer. I’d consider turning him away for six months at grass livery, give yourself some space from the equine world for a bit. Then decide your next move, if you want to bring him back into work for yourself or if you need to consider your options.

It’s not 100% clear from your post whether he’s got chronic issues or he’s just not right for you, but if it’s the latter there is no reason to feel guilty for selling. It’s easy to believe that we’re the best and only home for our horses, but that’s not really true; if he could do a job for someone else who wants something different to you on loan then I wouldn’t rule it out.

£1500 a month is too much money to spend to make yourself miserable. You have to do right by the horse of course, but in the long term you are more important.

 

[Marigold4]

deleted

 

[KikiDee]

I’m a big believer in time being a healer. I’d consider turning him away for six months at grass livery, give yourself some space from the equine world for a bit. Then decide your next move, if you want to bring him back into work for yourself or if you need to consider your options.

It’s not 100% clear from your post whether he’s got chronic issues or he’s just not right for you, but if it’s the latter there is no reason to feel guilty for selling. It’s easy to believe that we’re the best and only home for our horses, but that’s not really true; if he could do a job for someone else who wants something different to you on loan then I wouldn’t rule it out.

£1500 a month is too much money to spend to make yourself miserable. You have to do right by the horse of course, but in the long term you are more important.

Thank you. There’s nothing ‘wrong’ with him physically at least, mentally he’s a bit tricky. He’d had every vet check under the sun and he really isn’t a bad or dangerous horse. He just wants to gallop around jumping over hedges and allowed to do that all day he’s 100%. Flatwork isn’t his thing, hacking he’s ok but not always for the faint hearted, show jumping he’ll get you round but it’s hair raising. I bought him to event. I have had a lot of success with him (though he’s not made it to a ODE due to our dressage dramas) and invested a lot into making him more rideable but I think the conversation with my trainer was just quite sobering that we’ve hit a bit of ceiling with him now and he’s never going to change who he is essentially.

I feel awful as I do love him, he always tries his best and gives me his best, I just feel I’m trying to force a square peg into a round hole and maybe I need to realign my expectations.

 

[McGrools]

I’d loan him to a team chasing home for a season. He might be the perfect horse for someone in that sphere in the short term, x

 

[smolmaus]

I'm going to do what I always do and suggest that if traditional trainers aren't going to get you any further, you lose nothing by getting in someone non-traditional. Get an equine behaviourist in, see if they can pinpoint what is making him so on edge or if there are any simple management changes that could help him relax. Nothing to lose and all to gain!

 

[meleeka]

The thing is, if you give up horses totally, you've still got to part with your horse, so you will still have to face that. I'd be looking for a loan home and give yourself some time to breathe. You'll either miss it, or you won't. Just because he's not your perfect horse, it doesn't mean he won't be somebody else's.

 

[KikiDee]

The thing is, if you give up horses totally, you've still got to part with your horse, so you will still have to face that. I'd be looking for a loan home and give yourself some time to breathe. You'll either miss it, or you won't. Just because he's not your perfect horse, it doesn't mean he won't be somebody else's.

If I give up I’d likely turn him away at grass so he’d stay with me. If I could afford to keep 3 I’d do that and keep him for hacking and the odd play and let him do what he enjoys, but it would take the pressure off him to do the job I want. But I can’t unfortunately so I guess my thought process is if I stop pushing on with him then I am ‘giving up’ on riding at least in the sense I keep horses to ride if that makes sense.

 

[KikiDee]

I’d loan him to a team chasing home for a season. He might be the perfect horse for someone in that sphere in the short term, x

He’s a fantastic team chasing horse and I’d make that his job but annoyingly there’s nowhere within 3 hours here that runs. He could go off somewhere and I know people who’d have him to team chase but trainer has warned me it would undo all my work so that would have to be his future full time job. He’s also 16 this year so likely has 2 years max left in that sort of job then he’d have to come back to me anyway. I guess it’s a just a bit of a crossroads!

 

[KikiDee]

I'm going to do what I always do and suggest that if traditional trainers aren't going to get you any further, you lose nothing by getting in someone non-traditional. Get an equine behaviourist in, see if they can pinpoint what is making him so on edge or if there are any simple management changes that could help him relax. Nothing to lose and all to gain!

He’s generally a doddle but just gets easily triggered. He’ll hack on the buckle, but if something spooks him and sets him off he goes from 0-60 mentally in seconds. I actually tracked down his breeder and spoke to her out of curiosity, he spent his early years with a GP dressage rider. She said he’s been the same since the day he was born, and she sold him as he was too sharp and she had a bad fall from him and never rode him again.

 

[Exasperated]

I’d loan him to a team chasing home for a season. He might be the perfect horse for someone in that sphere in the short term, x

Team chasing, hunter trials, hunting? Plenty of horses like that continue into their twenties, doing rather less as years go by, on the hunting field. Actually, those horses might survive longer than hunting does.
He does not sound suited to OP, nor vice versa, altho probably very fond of each other, but it can be very hard to recognise that despite all one’s love and efforts - the horse might simply be happier elsewhere.
Difficult, but the longer the procrastination, the greater the dissatisfaction and difficulty of placing the horse more suitably elsewhere. Good luck!

 

[Kirstd33]

You have my empathy also as I’m currently having the same thoughts about packing it in after losing our little Coblet on Monday. Although he’d been retired for 12 months, teen daughter and I loved him dearly and he’s left a massive hole. We also own a standie, bought last October to be a share horse and for me to do some low level endurance on this summer but he’s proving to be trickier, spookier and greener than anticipated and had me off twice on Monday! We’re also having some mild barefoot transition/hind limb levelness issues and I’m not 100% hes going to do the job yet? Teen daughter isn’t finding the time/inclination to ride with a levels, job, lambing and new boyf and I’m not the sort to come down hard and force her to. The money is also getting harder to find (c400/month all in) and more importantly the time too after full time work, and looking after 3 kiddies. I’m erring towards putting Standie on loan to a hacking home to give me some headspace and time to do some other things? But then hubby says I’ve done the hard work over winter and should enjoy the summer? And friends are starting to do endurance events and pleasure rides? It’s so hard isn’t it to decide?

 

[smolmaus]

He’s generally a doddle but just gets easily triggered. He’ll hack on the buckle, but if something spooks him and sets him off he goes from 0-60 mentally in seconds. I actually tracked down his breeder and spoke to her out of curiosity, he spent his early years with a GP dressage rider. She said he’s been the same since the day he was born, and she sold him as he was too sharp and she had a bad fall from him and never rode him again.

As I said, you've nothing to lose from a different perspective! A horse first perspective rather than a sport first one. I know many trainers will do the best for the horse too but its a different focus!

 

[KikiDee]

Thank you all, lots of food for thought. It’s a very head/heart dilemma. I think conversation with trainer was just a bit of a reality check and made me feel a bit glum. I invest a lot in him and he wants for nothing, lessons every week with a 4* rider, water treadmill every week, a varied workload, physio every 3 months, vet check every 6 months. I get what trainer is saying, that I could invest all that into a nice 4yo and be doing what I want without always being on the back foot of having a ‘tricky’ horse and having my hopes and dreams regularly shattered.

Realistically I know in my heart I wouldn’t entertain selling him no matter how sensible that would be, so I’m at a bit of a loss where to go from here!

 

[KikiDee]

You have my empathy also as I’m currently having the same thoughts about packing it in after losing our little Coblet on Monday. Although he’d been retired for 12 months, teen daughter and I loved him dearly and he’s left a massive hole. We also own a standie, bought last October to be a share horse and for me to do some low level endurance on this summer but he’s proving to be trickier, spookier and greener than anticipated and had me off twice on Monday! We’re also having some mild barefoot transition/hind limb levelness issues and I’m not 100% hes going to do the job yet? Teen daughter isn’t finding the time/inclination to ride with a levels, job, lambing and new boyf and I’m not the sort to come down hard and force her to. The money is also getting harder to find (c400/month all in) and more importantly the time too after full time work, and looking after 3 kiddies. I’m erring towards putting Standie on loan to a hacking home to give me some headspace and time to do some other things? But then hubby says I’ve done the hard work over winter and should enjoy the summer? And friends are starting to do endurance events and pleasure rides? It’s so hard isn’t it to decide?

Thank you it’s comforting just to know I’m not alone. Its also a bit depressing when you’re surrounded by people telling you that your horse is a write off and that you’re just not going to get there and call it a day. I totally understand why and they have my best interest at heart, but it’s just made me feel very glum about it all!

 

[McGrools]

He’s a fantastic team chasing horse and I’d make that his job but annoyingly there’s nowhere within 3 hours here that runs. He could go off somewhere and I know people who’d have him to team chase but trainer has warned me it would undo all my work so that would have to be his future full time job. He’s also 16 this year so likely has 2 years max left in that sort of job then he’d have to come back to me anyway. I guess it’s a just a bit of a crossroads!

I think a lot of horses end up team chasing and hunting cos they have proven to not be cut out for other disciplines. If that is what he loves to do it’s a win for him and at his age I wouldn’t worry about undoing work.

 

[Kirstd33]

Thank you it’s comforting just to know I’m not alone. Its also a bit depressing when you’re surrounded by people telling you that your horse is a write off and that you’re just not going to get there and call it a day. I totally understand why and they have my best interest at heart, but it’s just made me feel very glum about it all!

Try not to feel too glum it doesn’t sound like a reflection of you or the sheer amount of effort, time, dedication and money you have spent, just a very stark realisation that you could be out having more fun and ticking some of your goals off. I’m just a happy hacker, with some aspirations to do some
20km PRs and it’s still frustrating not to be out there actually doing it when it all sounds so simple. But nothing with horses ever is!

 

[Kirstd33]

I also don’t think your horse sounds like a write off just ill suited to what you want to achieve and enjoy doing? I think finding him a team chasing/hunting home may be a good idea? X

 

[Nicnac]

Can you put him at retirement livery for a while and see how you feel? It's wrong time of year for TC and hunting. This winter has been pants so give yourself a break.

 

[GreyDot]

You have spoken alot about the horse and sound like a very competent and caring owner. But what is it that you want, as a rider going forward? It doesn't sound like you want to give up horses, just that this one has ground you down, and that can happen, much as we love them. If your trainer knows you well, maybe have a heart to heart with them next session and talk through your goals. Maybe this horse needs to be someone else, or turned away for awhile while you re-assess.

 

[canteron]

You could put him up for sale - but only sell if you find the perfect match? Start by asking for videos of any perspective buyer riding, and ask that they try him 3 or 4 times before completing any deal, watch how they handle them etc. finding a new dancing partner for your horse won’t be easy, but put a system in place so it works for both parties if you do sell.
There is a lot of joy to be had if you see a horse thrive in a new home.

 

[bonny]

I’m in the you should sell camp, I get that you’ve invested a lot in this horse but he doesn’t sound like the right fit for you and I think both you and the horse would be happier with new partners.

 

[Marshpiper]

Thank you all, lots of food for thought. It’s a very head/heart dilemma. I think conversation with trainer was just a bit of a reality check and made me feel a bit glum. I invest a lot in him and he wants for nothing, lessons every week with a 4* rider, water treadmill every week, a varied workload, physio every 3 months, vet check every 6 months. I get what trainer is saying, that I could invest all that into a nice 4yo and be doing what I want without always being on the back foot of having a ‘tricky’ horse and having my hopes and dreams regularly shattered.

Realistically I know in my heart I wouldn’t entertain selling him no matter how sensible that would be, so I’m at a bit of a loss where to go from here!

It’s lovely to read someone putting so much thought into their horses welfare, do you think this dreadful winter is affecting you as well….
Turning out for a few months when weather allows, reduced cost and giving you some “me” time perhaps?

 

[FieldOrnaments]

16 isn't too old to hunt or team chase if that's what he wants to do. Can you find a loaner from your yard to do that with him, who makes a financial contribution and does chores, maybe make the loan a LWVTB if it works out with an offer to take him back if it didn't

Thank you. There’s nothing ‘wrong’ with him physically at least, mentally he’s a bit tricky. He’d had every vet check under the sun and he really isn’t a bad or dangerous horse. He just wants to gallop around jumping over hedges and allowed to do that all day he’s 100%. Flatwork isn’t his thing, hacking he’s ok but not always for the faint hearted, show jumping he’ll get you round but it’s hair raising. I bought him to event. I have had a lot of success with him (though he’s not made it to a ODE due to our dressage dramas) and invested a lot into making him more rideable but I think the conversation with my trainer was just quite sobering that we’ve hit a bit of ceiling with him now and he’s never going to change who he is essentially.

I feel awful as I do love him, he always tries his best and gives me his best, I just feel I’m trying to force a square peg into a round hole and maybe I need to realign my expectations.

 

[I'm Dun]

He’s a fantastic team chasing horse and I’d make that his job but annoyingly there’s nowhere within 3 hours here that runs. He could go off somewhere and I know people who’d have him to team chase but trainer has warned me it would undo all my work so that would have to be his future full time job. He’s also 16 this year so likely has 2 years max left in that sort of job then he’d have to come back to me anyway. I guess it’s a just a bit of a crossroads!

Your trying to bang a square peg into a round hole and its not working. But thats the job he loves and wants to do, so why not sell him to that sort of home? You obviously care for him and give him a good life, but its not the best life he could have.

 

[KikiDee]

It’s lovely to read someone putting so much thought into their horses welfare, do you think this dreadful winter is affecting you as well….
Turning out for a few months when weather allows, reduced cost and giving you some “me” time perhaps?

Thank you, yes you’re right it’s been a rough old winter and it’s really worn me down. We’ve actually just switched onto overnight turnout today which always makes a huge difference to his behaviour. I did have a lovely summer with him last year, show-jumping, XC schooling and enjoying farm rides and hunt rides where he’s in his element. I make him sound like a dragon that I’m terrified of riding, he isn’t, I think I’ve just got very hung up on what he ‘won’t’ do and the heart to heart with my trainer really compounded that.

It’s been helpful just to get all my thoughts out in the wild so I really appreciate everyone giving me the time of day with my ramblings!

 

[KikiDee]

I also don’t think your horse sounds like a write off just ill suited to what you want to achieve and enjoy doing? I think finding him a team chasing/hunting home may be a good idea? X

That’s where he came from, he was a very good hunt horse. But he was always hunted by big, strong men because of how he is, and when he arrived he was very anxious about everything and could flip like a switch. I know he’s been ridden hard and in many ways that’s probably what he responds to, but it’s not me and not a life I’d want him to go back to. He’s also had a joint medicated since being with me and I’m not sure physically he’d stand up to it anymore. If he were 5 years younger I’d absolutely consider it but I feel like he enjoys a fairly ‘easy’ life with me, I’m not sure I’d want him to end up broken down and on the scrap heap in a few years. I know I’m daft but I do feel like I bought him and he’s my responsibility to secure him a nice future, I am quite fond of him even if it doesn’t sound like it

 

[KikiDee]

16 isn't too old to hunt or team chase if that's what he wants to do. Can you find a loaner from your yard to do that with him, who makes a financial contribution and does chores, maybe make the loan a LWVTB if it works out with an offer to take him back if it didn't

I’d love to team chase him myself but I live in the wrong area and there’s nothing within 3 hours round here! So he’d have to go away to someone. I have been actively seeking a sharer for a while just to take the pressure off me a bit but nobody wants to ride him