when will i forget/forgive?

[Grey_Eventer]

i cant stop thinking and crying about how my 2nd pony died... she died 8 years ago of a hemrage at a pony club rally... its always affected me as it was so sudden and that year we lost 3 other horses and my grandad....
when she collapsed i laughed thinking she was rolling, but that has stuck with me forever.. and i cant forgive myself for it... i dont know how to let it go that it wasnt my fault thatt she died...
i feel so horrible that i laughed when she lay there dying. i laughed. that hurts so much...i know i was young.. i was 7 years old.. but i laughed... i hate myself for it... i hate myself for not doing anything while she was dying.
i always think.. if i didnt take her to that rally, would she have died..and i wish id never gone... but then i think i would never have gotten toffee or barney- who i love with all my heart and am so happy i had/have them. but i just wander what would have happened if i had goone to that rally...
i feel so sad about it and i keep having horrible dreams about it.. and the dreams are all exaggerating it and i just dont know how to forget it...
i dont know how to forgive myself for laughing, eventhugh i was young and i didnt know what was happening.. in my head i blame myself...
sorry not the right place to post but i dont know what to do

 

[Archangel]

What a shocking thing to happen, I'm so sorry you lost your pony in such a way. An event like this will leave plenty of 'what ifs' and 'if onlys' - i have been there myself

Please forgive yourself, you loved your pony, you would never have laughed if you had known she was ill. In the split second you had to make a judgement you thought she was rolling.

A fatal haemorrhage can happen at any time, by coincidence it happened while you were at a rally not because you were there.

You now have Toffee and Barney, don't feel bad about loving them too.
Really big ((hugs)).

 

[gails]

(((((((hugs)))))) dont beat youself up, it was the reaction of a little girl, and it clearly looked funny to 'her', I am sure no matter what you did it could not have been helped.

As least she went hearing laughter and not a little girl crying and scared.

Again big hugs, I am 35 and still cry over my dog that I had a 8 years old

you are only human

 

[clairefeekerry1]

oh god how horrific. fighting back the tears reading your post. i suppose there are all things we regret as youngsters and adults, but whether you laughed or not you couldn't have changed the outcome. about 10 yrs ago when i was in my early teens i was out on a fun ride with my friend when her horse appeared to collapse and roll-in fact it was having a heart attack, it also died on the scene. we all thought it was rolling etc and urged it to get up.at the end of the day you do not expect a horse to collapse and die so your reaction at the time was what it was, at 7 yrs old you are just a child and not exposed to all the possabilities. my friend found some comfort in the fact her pony died doing what it loved, i would strongly reccomend some councilling as your grief will not settle until you have found some closure.xxxxxx

 

[gothdolly]

Im so sorry for you. I am more than twice your age and had horrible dreams for months after my childhood pony was put to sleep last year. 8 years on though, I feel that you should not be having these feelings all the time, bad dreams etc. This was not your fault, and laughing was a normal reaction for your age.

I would also suggest talking to someone... could you see your GP? Or could you tell your parents? Its important not to let feelings like this take over and not to dwell on them,... or you could make yourself worse. You may be dealing with other "issues" but focusing on the death of your mare.... I had a lot of guilt and grief when my mare died, but it was about lots of other things and sadness to do with my childhood of which she was a very happy symbol.

Pleaaaase get help if you feel that sad thoughts of your mare are affecting your daily life and making you not happy a lot of the time. You are at a vunerable age (I remember it well) and need to be happy, not sad.

Mind you, like another poster said, I also still cry from time to time about my old dog, Judy, who I had put to sleep when I was 16.

((HUGS)) I hope you feel better soon.

 

[lauradean]

What would you tell a friend who came to you with this exact same story? I'm certain you would hug her and tell her to forgive herself. There is no way you could possibly have prevented the hemmorrage. These things happen very quickly (to people too) and we are totally helpless to prevent them.
As far as the laughing, how could you possibly have known what was happening? You were just a little girl, and quite honestly, as a grown-up I would know what I was seeing if that happened in front of me.
Your horse are so lucky to have such a compassionate person taking care of them and I'm certain your pony knew how much she was loved. Her life was more than just that one final moment.
Take care!

 

[JenHunt]

((HUGS))

I know what you're going through. It's so easy to say what if, and to blame yourself.

6 years ago my old 13hh pony was 46. When he suddenly went very lame we thought that he had slipped in the field and pulled something. we kept him quiet and on box rest for a few days. there was no heat or swelling anywhere, and he seemed ok otherwise. We called the vet when nothing improved and he couldn't find anything and prescribed bute and more box rest. After 3 weeks and no improvement, Buzz was going down hill. We made a decision, 2 weeks after Christmas 2003, to have him pts. We spoke to our hunt with who Buzz had so many awesome fun filled days. They came with a 'horsebox', loaded him in - he tried to canter up the ramp on 3 legs cos he thought he was going somewhere exciting. he went quickly and painlessly... the other 2 horses called and called after he had gone, and charged round the field looking for him. Post-mortem by the hunt found that his shoulder had disintegrated. We still don't know whether it was a kick or a fall. But for 3 weeks he had suffered silently with a catastrophically broken shoulder. It still kills me that we didn't do more.

BUT I do know that up until that point he'd had one of the happiest, healthiest lives a pony can lead, he'd competed at Wembley in prince phillip games, he knew the rules to every pony club game, polo, polocrosse, and could countdown from 3! he'd taught goodness only knows how many children to ride, he'd been loved and loved back, he'd jumped the biggest hedges the country had to offer, he'd been an easy ride for beginners and got naughtier as you got better. he had an awesome sense of humour, could escape from anywhere, and get into any feed bin going, he could take his bridle off when you weren't looking, and would try to take you swimming in the sea. he used to insist on having his front half out of the stable when you changed his rugs, and if it was raining he would stand with his head in the shelter and his bum out of it. he'd outlived the first ever child to ride him. he'd gone from wild mountain pony to fabulous pony club pony.

When we first got him he was 30, hunting fit and just straight from Prince Philip Games Championships. That evening he decided to test us and refused to go into the stable for my mum. My dad flicked a lunge whip at him, and got a pair of identical hoof prints in his thighs for his trouble, which still show up now!

He's still missed, and will be forever.

Things like this are heartbreaking, and even writing this has me in floods of tears, but if you blame yourself then it won't get better. Hard as it is you have to think about how much fun you had, how lucky you were to know her, and how well loved she was, even in her last moments.

Stong G&T anyone? ;-)

 

[ladyt25]

Not sure you'll ever forget it to be honest, I guess we all have those memories/regrets over the years and it's sadly part of life. I'll never forget my first proper pony and how he dies and how I wish I'd done things differently and been there. He broke down doing a team chase with my sister, was put on box rest but I think his system went into shock and he never recovered and he died.

I had gone to college and I regret not being there, thinking if I'd been there, if I'd walked him out in hand each day would he have survived - did he think I'd abandoned him? I can still get upset about it now and it was about 12 years ago. I just feel his last days were spent in pain and yet my mum and sister had tried all they good to get him through it.

Strangely enough though a while after he died I had the oddest dream we were sat in our field and he appeared galloping past us - I woke up actually feeling a release. It was very bizarre.

You should not feel you did anything wrong (it is hard) but I think it's all part of being human at the end of the day isn't it? I still get upset thinking about finding my dog after she'd been hit by a car and the day after we were told there was nothing the vet could do - I won't ever forget when I found her, she acted like she was guilty/ in trouble (as dogs do) but she was unable to get up. I'll never forget that. You just have to get on I guess and remember the good times and what you have now.