When will it get better?

Tia0513

Tia0513

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I lost my 10 year old Appaloosa gelding on May 18th last year due to grass sickness. He had the sub-acute version and was gone within about 36 hours. I had bought him as a foal, first saw him at 7 weeks old, visited through his early months and then he came to me at weaning. I brought him up, taught him everything he knew, spent hours upon hours with him and, when I wasn't with him, I was constantly thinking about him. When I first saw him I was 16 and everyone cautioned me about getting him as I was young etc but there was never any way I wouldn't have had him. I remember thinking that 'when he is 10 I will be 26' etc and imagine what we would be up to. When he became ill I just knew, had the most awful feeling, that he wouldn't pull through it. The vet, and me & family, thought it was spasmodic colic at first but even then, knowing horses that have come through colic, I just felt like he wasn't go to make it. It was the worst day & half of my life. What I regret the most is not being able to stay with him when they put him to sleep. The vet told me it was distressing for the owner, not the horse, and so I let my mum & brother drive me home.
It will be a year soon and I still think of him always. I have a new horse and she's lovely. I feel guilty for having her and sometimes feel I'm not giving her enough of me.

Sorry for this 'down' post, I just needed to write it down.
 
When we love them dearly it does take a heck of a long time to get over it, but you WILL get to where the memories are the happy ones, not the painful ones. Further to that, for many people bonding with a new horse is difficult, whatever the circumstances of have acquired the new one. Don't think that you are unusual, don't think that you are wrong and that you should feel guilty, it's just different with a different horse, not better or worse, just different.
 
you do have my sympathy. I took the loss of my first horse the hardest - even though she was 26. But like you I was not with her at the end (She died in Horsepital of serious Colic) and i felt bad about that. I too got another horse - in all technical ways a better horse - but it took me almost 10 years to love him because I always really wished he were more like the first horse. This was years ago now - but I still feel sad about my first horse. I still dream about finding her again too - usually in some impossible place like at the back of my wardrobe! But I do also recall the happy times with fondness. Try to do this and to think of the good times you had together in the time you were together
 
I think that most of us have been here. Horses play such a major part in your life that to me anyway it really is like loosing a member of the family. I lost my old boy 14 years ago and even now I can see or hear something that will reduce me to tears. Time makes it easier to deal with you never get over it you just learn to deal with it. I never thought that I would but in time I was able to look back at all the wonderful times we had and the fantastic things that we did together, and the funny things that he did and now I can laugh about it, this does not mean that I do not miss him anymore as I still do and if I could turn back time I would, but I now have a lovely horse and she is now 20 and she is now my world, I have not forgotten him, I just have made another wonderful friend, and I know that you will in time feel the same way.
 
Thank you all for your kind words. I do have days when I can laugh and smile about him and what he used to do etc but at the moment, and I think it's because it's nearly been a year and his birthday has just gone by, I seem to get upset again when I start to think of him. I know it will get better eventually and I am really lucky in having the time I did have with him. I just expected him to be around for another 10-20 years.
 
Anniversaries are always the worst :( Go give your mare a scratch in her special place that makes her lip curl up and her neck stretch out and enjoy the silly faces she pulls, let yourself fill with smiles at her simple pleasure.
 
I can empathise completely. I lost my first ever horse last April (23rd) to grass sickness. I only had him ten months but the pain was unbearable (and I'm 20 years older than you!!) I sobbed and sobbed, I couldn't stop for about a week. Then it became every other day etc But last Wednesday (23rd) I was on holiday and at dinner, I burst into tears again. Lord knows what the waiter must have thought!! (Eyes watering even now typing this) He was 9 years old and the injustice of a horse to go that young got to me too. He too had sub-acute and I was told he would never pull through. He went within 16 hrs of diagnosis and I'd put him through the operation just to make sure it was GS. That's what I feel bad about. Why didn't we just take him back to the field, where he had his field mate and end it there and then rather than drag him an hours away and to go in some strange stable surrounded by strangers. Still we make these decisions in the toughest of moments and we do it because we think its best in that moment. So don't beat yourself up about not being there when it happened; I wasn't (vet preferred me not to be and in a way, I'm glad. I remember my boy standing and looking vaguely like my boy)

I have another one now and its helped me enormously. We have a bond; a love. Its different for sure and my first one is still in my heart; he always will be but so is the new boy too. You'll get there, I promise, from one who's been in your shoes. x
 
Another one who can empathise. I lost Catembi (in avatar) to protein losing enteropathy in Feb 2007, & it was the worst day of my life. I wasn't there when he was PTS either. He lived at home & I simply couldn't cope with the idea of seeing him dead on my property as I knew it would stay with me in a bad way. So I dropped him off at the vets & left him there. I truly believe it was for the best - he'd been left at the vets before for previous minor things & he probably expected to get an xray, some remedial shoeing & then I'd be back to pick him up at lunchtime. So I gave him a pat as if nothing was wrong, & went. I didn't want him to realise that anything was up, & I didn't think the situation would be helped by me hanging round his neck wailing.

Walking away was so hard, but I wanted it to be as stress-free as possible for him. I still can't often talk about him without getting tearful, & yest had a good wail responding to a similar post. I was at a small dinner party about 4 years ago & having a factual conv re the mechanics of PTS, & then had a full-on sob to the extent that I had to ring for my lift & get taken home. I was so embarrassed, but I simply couldn't help it.

My r'ships with subsequent horses have been different from the r'ship I had with Catembi. It sounds naïve, but up until I lost him, I thought that if I threw enough love & money at a problem, it could be sorted, & it was a horrible shock to find that I was wrong. I nursed him for 6 months & spent £6k trying to save him & researching every possible avenue, & I still lost. So now I know that everything is more fragile & temporary than I thought, & I can't form the same 'carefree' bond with another horse because it will always be at the back of my mind that it COULD all go wrong. I don't think I'm pessimistic - more realistic. I.e. I've lost the rose tinted idea that everything can be fixed.

WIC - don't feel bad that you tried the colic surgery. I feel awful that I put Cat thru 6 months of treatment when he really wasn't very well at all. But at the time I (and the vets) really thought he'd pull thru. He had good days & bad, & the good days made it so hard to decide when to call it a day. If one of my 2 got the same thing, I would PTS straight away...but now I know things that I simply didn't know then re survival rates, etc. You can only do your best, based on what you know at the time.

I will also feel guilty forever as it was probably my fault. Next door said we could graze their overgrown garden, which the previous house owners used to do, but they used to empty the excess water from their septic tank down the field, & that is possibly how he got it. But as the previous people had done the same with their 6 horses, & as next door said it was only water & was fine, I simply didn't think.

Don't feel guilty re your new horse...you are still forging a good r'ship with her, except that it is now a more 'informed' one as it's impossible to blithely love whole heartedly now that you know that sometimes an almighty hiccup is around the corner.

T x
 
catembi said:
So now I know that everything is more fragile & temporary than I thought, & I can't form the same 'carefree' bond with another horse because it will always be at the back of my mind that it COULD all go wrong. I don't think I'm pessimistic - more realistic. I.e. I've lost the rose tinted idea that everything can be fixed.


Don't feel guilty re your new horse...you are still forging a good r'ship with her, except that it is now a more 'informed' one as it's impossible to blithely love whole heartedly now that you know that sometimes an almighty hiccup is around the corner.

T x
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I agree with this so much! That's definately how I feel. It's probably a way of protecting ourselves from it happening again.
 
My first horse was pts July 2010 & although I missed her dreadfully I knew it was the right decision - she was old & her arthritis was getting hard to manage. Same with my son's first pony. But losing Jason nearly 3 weeks ago to atypical myopathy was completely different. I feel like he was snatched from me, all my dreams of things we were going to do stolen. I have been loaned another horse & I know it will take a long time to build a bond because he just isn't Jason but I am sure we will get there in the end.
 
it isnt easy is it? lost 3 of mine to EGS 10 yrs ago. have lost 3 other horses since due to injuries. the time it takes varies I found that I dont get over it at all but get used to it.
The difficult thing was to fall in love with other horses as I was too afraid of being hurt if I lost one of them. All that said I owned a horse for 23 yrs with no problems had her PTS due to old age, then all the losses happened in a relatively short space of time.
I'm just beginning to love my horses again the 2 I have now are 4 yr old had them since they were weaned.
 
i am sure loads of people can empathise with you on here, my loss is much more recent - 2 weeks ago. I think your comment about feeling sad when you think about it is really the thing you need to consider, I don't mean to sound heartless but I think sometimes denial is a very good thing. Someone said to me yesterday 'i could still get terribly upset and cry about my mother dying (her mother died over 20 years ago) if I thought too much about it... so I don't' Made me think really, nothing is going to bring them back and we will always love them (whether animal or human) but we have to make a choice as to whether we are going to let it bring us down, upset us, give us pain etc or whether we carry on. So my first piece of advice would be allow yourself to remember the good times, maybe get upset briefly but then think how lucky you are you had all that time to enjoy your partnership. And there is no point at all in feeling guilty about not being there, your horse didnt know what was going on, and didnt know you werent there - you did the right thing, you should be proud of the decision you made and for not letting your horse suffer.

You will have a different bond with any new horse now and in the future, it will never be the same as the last one, but can be just as strong just in different ways.

Its all understandable and its all part of the natural grieving process. But in life we have to decide whether we want something to keep us down or if we want to carry on and enjoy ourselves because we only get one shot here and it could all be over tomorrow, wouldn't it be a shame you didn't enjoy your last day with your horse as much as you could?
 
jemima*askin said:
Anniversaries are always the worst :( Go give your mare a scratch in her special place that makes her lip curl up and her neck stretch out and enjoy the silly faces she pulls, let yourself fill with smiles at her simple pleasure.
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This. You don't have to love her the way you loved your boy . . . and loving her won't in any way betray or diminish the memory of your beautiful boy . . . but you don't have to deny yourself the sheer and very real pleasure of being with A horse, even if it's not HIM. Let her help you . . . she will repay you a thousandfold.

P
 
I am so missing my boy PTS last April! can't seem to get past it. A friend suggested because I didn't have another horse to focus on, or indeed another dog, both my girls are adults, That I had nothing new to focus on. maybe she is right. I did hack out on one of her horses shortly after losing my boy.Iit wasn't the right size, colour or smell. did actually enjoy the ride and nothing wrong with the horse but felt disloyal to my boy.

Having lost a son aged 22 yrs old I know one doesn't get OVER it but learns to live with the loss! eventually.

Sorry about lack of grammar iPad,
 
9 years on, I still well up reading posts like this, thinking about my old boy. He was 27 but fit as a flea so his death (colic) was unexpected too. For 3 days I cried non stop, for about 3 weeks I think I cried every day, for the next year at least once a week. Now it's just welling up every now and again - usually when I read posts like this because - even though I've never met you, which might seem daft - I know how you feel rather than because it reminds me of my boy going. I'm the same at funerals, not so much upset at the person dying as the family grieving.

You will always miss your old boy and never forget him but that doesn't mean you love your new girl any less. It does get easier I promise. I can't tell you how long it'll take but you will get there.
 
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How long is a piece of string? I think it varies from horse to horse and the age and circumstances. I have lost three over the years and each loss impact was very, very different although I loved them all dearly.

Make the most of the one you have, for she too will leave one day. She is in the here and now. Don't miss a day of her.
 
Here's my 2pence on horse grief. I don't like to use the term 'get over it', I prefer 'learning to live with it'. To 'get over it' to me suggests that one would need to forget to a certain degree. I never want to forget my boy (I got him when I was ten, and had him twenty years). I also wanted it to hurt, otherwise it would feel like none of it really mattered, but one thing I do know is that he will always be with me, I just can't see him anymore.

I can't live without a horse, and have had my new boy for eight months. I have completely started over, and sometimes I get frustrated with myself and the progress I am making, but then I have to remind myself that the trust I had in my old boy had been earned over a long life together. You can give no better compliment to your boy than to have another; it won't be the same, but it will be good nevertheless x
 
I was utterly heartbroken when I lost my old lad....he was in his twenties but he didn't realise that, he was still full of it:). It was so sudden....he had a strangulating lipoma most likely and vet didn't think he would pull through surgery. Suddenly he looked old. He was PTS at home, and I was there but not at the actual moment...OH dealt with that. I sat with his head on my lap until they came to take him away. We have other horses, but it's not the same.
I did buy another one fairly soon after...a total project really and I think I subconsciously did that as a way of having something to focus on. It took me months before he was safe to ride and whilst by then I was excited about riding him...when I finally got on him it was all wrong...wrong colour mane, wrong size and shape...everything.
Four years later I have a strong bond with my horse and I love him dearly, but I still sometimes call him by my old horses name...I feel guilty about that.
It takes time but I still get choked if I see an unexpected photo of my old lad popping up as a screen saver for example...
 
Switchthehorse said:
i am sure loads of people can empathise with you on here, my loss is much more recent - 2 weeks ago. I think your comment about feeling sad when you think about it is really the thing you need to consider, I don't mean to sound heartless but I think sometimes denial is a very good thing. Someone said to me yesterday 'i could still get terribly upset and cry about my mother dying (her mother died over 20 years ago) if I thought too much about it... so I don't' Made me think really, nothing is going to bring them back and we will always love them (whether animal or human) but we have to make a choice as to whether we are going to let it bring us down, upset us, give us pain etc or whether we carry on. So my first piece of advice would be allow yourself to remember the good times, maybe get upset briefly but then think how lucky you are you had all that time to enjoy your partnership. And there is no point at all in feeling guilty about not being there, your horse didnt know what was going on, and didnt know you werent there - you did the right thing, you should be proud of the decision you made and for not letting your horse suffer.

You will have a different bond with any new horse now and in the future, it will never be the same as the last one, but can be just as strong just in different ways.

Its all understandable and its all part of the natural grieving process. But in life we have to decide whether we want something to keep us down or if we want to carry on and enjoy ourselves because we only get one shot here and it could all be over tomorrow, wouldn't it be a shame you didn't enjoy your last day with your horse as much as you could?
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A superb post!

The choice is yours OP.
 
It is an unfortunate fact that our dearly beloved pets (horses, dogs, cats, etc.) have much shorter lifespans than we do. Which means that over our lifetimes we are going to have say goodbye to many old friends. It is very sad for us, but nature has spared our animals that grief as they live in the moment.

I am perhaps less sentimental than many but am of course always sad to see them go, however it is a thing that must be dealt with.
 
I feel for you and totally understand having have to have my boy of 11 years unexpectedly PTS in Feb. I keep reliving the day, thinking I should have stayed with him, what if Id tried this etc etc. After having another horse pts years ago, my final memory was her lay there and I didnt want that to be my final memory of my boy, so I stayed whilst he was sedated and then left but I feel bad about that now and regret leaving him. This annoys my husband as he says I did the right thing.
I got another horse 2 weeks later! It wasnt planned, I thought it would take months to find one but was half heartedly looking through the ads and seen him. Hes lovely and I feel bad that I just cant take to him, I like him of course but that special bond isnt there. I know its early days and it will come but it all happened so quickly, too quickly really and of course it isnt his fault Im still missing my old boy so much. Time is a great healer, after losing both parents I know it does get easier, sadness turns into laughing about things we did together etc. They never leave your heart but you do eventually remember the good times rather than the sad times.
 
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