When will the guilt stop?

The pain never does end, but just think you had done the right thing, and think about all the poor animals who are worked to death for a few pence a day to earn their owners a living.
 
Having lost 2 this year (within 6 days of each other) I totally feel your pain. Benji was PTS due to injury on 26th March. It was a huge shock and I miss him so much. He was honestly the most hilarious, characterful horse I've ever known . On Easter day I found one of my shetlands fitting in the paddock and he died an horrific and very traumatic death before the vet could get there...I would give anything to have known what was coming so I could have had him PTS so perhaps console yourself with the fact that you gave her a peaceful end x
 
I haven't read all the replies but the first thing, imo is to tell yourself, sternly, that you have nothing to feel guilty about - you did the best thing as you saw it (with support from your vet and plenty of people on here) for the horse. IMO if you had box-rested her knowing that she could never have gone out again, you would have had cause to feel guilty.
The 2nd thing is to tell yourself that what is done is done and that you MUST move on, which you have started to do by arranging to buy the 2 yr old.
Every time you feel yourself start to 'wallow' deliberately think of something else. That is not to say that I think you should forget your horse, of course not, but you must consciously stop yourself thinking negative thoughts about what happened.
As an experienced horse owner, you know what an old farmer friend, not unsympathetically, told me when we had one of ours pts 'If you have livestock, you will have deadstock'. Tbh we know this when we take them on and should bear it in mind all the time we have them, so that no matter how attached we were the loss is not devastating.
 
On your mares behalf I'd thank you for giving her a good life, every possible chance and finally letting her go with dignity.

Instead of feeling guilt you should feel proud of yourself for having the strength to do what was best for her.
 
Thank you.

I have owned dogs and horses all of my life. I have loved them all, but none has affected me like my mare. I always knew that it would. I had been mourning her for about a year before her death as I struggled to beat the laminitis, so I thought I had done most of the tears. At least now I am no longer constantly worrying about her, and at least she did not have a harrowing death like many equines do who have terrible accidents or painful colic, like the poor boy who died the day after my mare. I need to snap out of this.
 
So you feel guilty because she was happy, perky and full of life the day you ended it, but what is the real option? Do you think that you wouldn't have felt guilty, if you instead had waited until a day when she felt miserable, down in the dumps and constantly hungry? I'm sure that that would also have made you felt guilty, and probably a much worse sort of guilty!
Most persons that I've talked to about the subject, have said that they wished to die, preferably when they're older, but either way, a day when they're happy, still capable to enjoy life and then *bam* something just happens and they die, quickly and without too much pain or struggling. I don't believe that horses thinks about how or when they want to die, but if they did and they could talk, I'm sure that their answer would be the same.

Personally, I think that one step towards feeling less bad about feeling guilty, is to accept that you would feel guilty whenever you decided to end her life. If it isn't about doing it one day too early, it would be about doing it one day too late. Try to accept that you did what you thought was best for your mare then and there.

You also talk about that you worry about whether you're buying a new horse too soon, having a hole in your life, and that you "just cannot imagine loving her as much as my late mare". I can't say if it is too soon for you or not, but personally, I think about it as that I love each of my animals differently. After all, they all have different personalities, so each time, my love is a little different.
I also imagine that my heart is as a house with an endless amount of rooms, where each love have their own room. When they die, they leave a hole/empty room in my heart behind them, but a new love can fill that hole, by moving into a new room in my heart. So to me, they're a replacement that doesn't replace, without creates their own new room.
 
Guilt and grief do go hand in hand. I still grieve in my own way about my little Forester mare that I had PTS 5 weeks ago. I also feel guilt that I could not do any more for he,r that I had let her down.

Given to me 13 years ago (She was 24 when I had her PTS) as a wild, frightened pony who had done nothing but breed foals. She had come off the forest as a 9 year old and just turned out into a big 10 acre field, had 2 foals with the previous owner. The only way in which you could get anywhere near her was to get her into a stable and even then you had to be careful how you moved around her. Over the following years she did come to trust me and she was also a very good companion. I have a gelding that is partially sighted and she was his friend.

She had an abscess in her quarters that tracked down damaging the muscle and nerves. We did everything we could and I thought we were winning as it looked much better, but it had gone further down than we could see. Two courses of strong expensive antibiotics but nothing was working.

Like your horse Wagtail she was eating well all body functions working well , her Cushings was well under control and she was her normal self. But for the wound she was fine.

As I right this post I am crying for my girl and I have not done that for a while. As I waited for the vet to come I sat with her saying how very sorry I was that I had let her down. Her eyes told me that I was doing the right thing.

I have lost 2 people (My dad and my partner) and my mare this year that have meant so much to me. My Dad would have been 95 tomorrow and he was in hospital over Christmas dying early January this year , my partner died in February and then my mare in October. 2013 has not been a good year for me and my family.

Look back and know you did everything you could for your horse and come New Years Eve Light that candle for those we have lost. Reflex on the good times.

All that have lost look after yourself.
 
Can't really say anything different to what people have posted wagtail. I'm sure once your new baby is there with you her character will start to show through and this will help you through your grief.

Take care of yoursrlf, you did the best you could and she never suffered in your care xx
 
It's nearly ten years since I lost my horse of a lifetime. I still find it hard to believe that I was the one who had him killed. But I don't feel guilty, and neither should you. When you are down to only one choice that's it, you have to do it.

I expect the guilty feelings are part of the grieving process, and you will still be in the very early stages of coming to terms with your loss. Other people will understand how you feel, even your liveries, I'm sure. Don't be afraid to show your feelings, it does no good to bottle it all up, and you only feel that way because you care about your animals.
 
Hi Wagtail so sorry for your loss sound like you did all you could and your horse was much loved.

I lost my mare of a lifetime last year and the guilt was overwhelming i just couldnt stop blaming myself even though there was nothing i could have done to change what happened, i kept replaying her death over and over in my head.

I wasnt sure about getting another horse but my family talked me inot it and 4 weeks later i got my new lad, then came the guilt of replacing her so soon but my family gave me a good talking to and having the new lad gave me soemthing to concentrate on so it did help!

we have had our ups and downs and at times tears as he is hard work at times which found me longing for my mare back! a year are on we are starting to bond and although he will never be the same as my mare i love him for who he is. getting your youngster may help and give you soemthing to focus on for the future.

I miss my mare everyday but know i have a future with my new lad.

take care hun.
 
FinnishLapphund said:
I can't say if it is too soon for you or not, but personally, I think about it as that I love each of my animals differently. After all, they all have different personalities, so each time, my love is a little different.
I also imagine that my heart is as a house with an endless amount of rooms, where each love have their own room. When they die, they leave a hole/empty room in my heart behind them, but a new love can fill that hole, by moving into a new room in my heart. So to me, they're a replacement that doesn't replace, without creates their own new room.
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That is a very good way of looking at it. Thank you.

paulineh said:
I have lost 2 people (My dad and my partner) and my mare this year that have meant so much to me. My Dad would have been 95 tomorrow and he was in hospital over Christmas dying early January this year , my partner died in February and then my mare in October. 2013 has not been a good year for me and my family.

Look back and know you did everything you could for your horse and come New Years Eve Light that candle for those we have lost. Reflex on the good times.

All that have lost look after yourself.
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I am so, so sorry you have lost so many that are dear to you this year. It must have been just unbearable.
 
Black Beastie said:
Can't really say anything different to what people have posted wagtail. I'm sure once your new baby is there with you her character will start to show through and this will help you through your grief.

Take care of yoursrlf, you did the best you could and she never suffered in your care xx
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Thank you. She was always loved. The lady who bred her found it hard to let her go, but I kept in touch with her for many years. I have a couple of regrets with my mare, but overall she had the most happy life, and she was such a cheerful little soul.

suestowford said:
It's nearly ten years since I lost my horse of a lifetime. I still find it hard to believe that I was the one who had him killed. But I don't feel guilty, and neither should you. When you are down to only one choice that's it, you have to do it.

I expect the guilty feelings are part of the grieving process, and you will still be in the very early stages of coming to terms with your loss. Other people will understand how you feel, even your liveries, I'm sure. Don't be afraid to show your feelings, it does no good to bottle it all up, and you only feel that way because you care about your animals.
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Thank you. Yes I had a bad day yesterday and one of my liveries gave me a hug. They have been really supportive. The poor girl who lost her gelding the day after mine has not been able to make herself come back here. It was so traumatic for her.

splashnutti1 said:
Hi Wagtail so sorry for your loss sound like you did all you could and your horse was much loved.

I lost my mare of a lifetime last year and the guilt was overwhelming i just couldnt stop blaming myself even though there was nothing i could have done to change what happened, i kept replaying her death over and over in my head.

I wasnt sure about getting another horse but my family talked me inot it and 4 weeks later i got my new lad, then came the guilt of replacing her so soon but my family gave me a good talking to and having the new lad gave me soemthing to concentrate on so it did help!

we have had our ups and downs and at times tears as he is hard work at times which found me longing for my mare back! a year are on we are starting to bond and although he will never be the same as my mare i love him for who he is. getting your youngster may help and give you soemthing to focus on for the future.

I miss my mare everyday but know i have a future with my new lad.

take care hun.
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Thank you. The filly I have chosen is a left brain extrovert, like my mare and the type I always go for, but she is still very different in her manner. She really is the sweetest thing.
 
Wise words from my vet " better a month too soon than an hour too late."
Nothing takes the pain away, we lost my daughters first pony aged 13 on Friday 13th July 2007 and still cry about her. She was taken to Rainbow Vet Hospital as an emergency and they were going to operate but my now very ex-husband refused claiming we couldn't afford it... Then 2 weeks later booked a holiday to Florida. Hence the reason he is my ex- husband.
Fill your home with photos, remember and allow yourself to grieve, the pain is no different to if it had been your best friend.
We moved recently and used the lorry to move furniture. I passed Ruby's ashes to my ( gorgeous) (new!) husband and he took them really carefully and said " come on ruby back on the lorry you go." It's things like that set me off but he understands. ((((Hugs)))) it's early days stop beating yourself up.
 
Merrick said:
Wise words from my vet " better a month too soon than an hour too late."
Nothing takes the pain away, we lost my daughters first pony aged 13 on Friday 13th July 2007 and still cry about her. She was taken to Rainbow Vet Hospital as an emergency and they were going to operate but my now very ex-husband refused claiming we couldn't afford it... Then 2 weeks later booked a holiday to Florida. Hence the reason he is my ex- husband.
Fill your home with photos, remember and allow yourself to grieve, the pain is no different to if it had been your best friend.
We moved recently and used the lorry to move furniture. I passed Ruby's ashes to my ( gorgeous) (new!) husband and he took them really carefully and said " come on ruby back on the lorry you go." It's things like that set me off but he understands. ((((Hugs)))) it's early days stop beating yourself up.
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Aw, that's set me off too! What a lovely thing to say.
 
Wagtail my heart goes out to you. My horse of a lifetime and I were together for 23 years, I took her from reject hunter to medium level, and she gave me something I can never put into words...do I understand your grief? You bet I do....
There must be NO guilt, my dear.....you did the right, fair and brave thing. What you did for her was the last act of kindness you could have done, and remember its a selfish love that won't let go. If you had kept her going through all you described you would NOT have forgiven yourself...now up by the bootstraps and onward. I too took on another horse (in fact 2, I already had one of them) and thoroughly enjoyed them, loved them and all was well because I accepted that my horse of a lifetime bond was unique, and separate and I wasn't replacing her. As it turned out, the 2nd horse I took on, as a remedial 6 yr old at the time, and I have developed the same bond, the same connection and the joy of being somehow "together"...this mare is now 19 years old and retired. So don't lose heart, or think you are being disloyal. You are anything but, you did the RIGHT thing...keep her in your head and heart and enjoy the horses the have. Love, Seville.
 
Seville said:
Wagtail my heart goes out to you. My horse of a lifetime and I were together for 23 years, I took her from reject hunter to medium level, and she gave me something I can never put into words...do I understand your grief? You bet I do....
There must be NO guilt, my dear.....you did the right, fair and brave thing. What you did for her was the last act of kindness you could have done, and remember its a selfish love that won't let go. If you had kept her going through all you described you would NOT have forgiven yourself...now up by the bootstraps and onward. I too took on another horse (in fact 2, I already had one of them) and thoroughly enjoyed them, loved them and all was well because I accepted that my horse of a lifetime bond was unique, and separate and I wasn't replacing her. As it turned out, the 2nd horse I took on, as a remedial 6 yr old at the time, and I have developed the same bond, the same connection and the joy of being somehow "together"...this mare is now 19 years old and retired. So don't lose heart, or think you are being disloyal. You are anything but, you did the RIGHT thing...keep her in your head and heart and enjoy the horses the have. Love, Seville.
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Thank you. That really is encouraging. I am so pleased to read that you have found such an amazing bond again.
 
7 years ago yesterday, my little rescue westie got run over by the farm tractor and killed. 7 years ago tomorrow we got our current (neurotic, slightly unhinged) scruffy mongrel from the dogs home. I knew I couldn't go home to an empty house, but still felt terribly guilty at replacing him too soon (and felt very responsible for his death. Although I know it was just a horrible accident, the fact I had taken him to the farm was enough). I then realised if any good was to come from his death it was that he'd had 3 happy, active years with us after being cooped up in a tiny flat and that our new dog found a home with people who can deal with her separation anxiety and neediness. My sister now has kids and I also know he wouldn't have coped with them chasing him and ordering him about like she does (she's perfected high 5s and waving for a share of their Freddos) and he would probably have snapped at them. I'm not a religious person but I believe everything happens for a reason. This little 2 year old could well help to heal your heart.

You'll never forget your old mare and she'll probably become even more angelic in your memory. Poor old Archie,my current horse is forever being compared unfavourably with my old boy, whom I sometimes think could do no wrong. I forget the time he took me 'waterskiing' 200 yards up a main road rather than load after a drag hunt, all the times he walked over me rather than around me or wouldn't be caught, and think of his (very controlled due to excitement) rearing fondly rather than remembering the terror I felt whan I first experienced it. For a while I felt very guilty that the thought of losing Archie didn't fill me with the same despair that losing Eb brought but soon enough it did - maybe even more so now because I'm that bit older and konw I will find it that more difficult to start again. I daresay after Archie's days, the next one will never be as bomproof, as funny or give as good cwtches.

You did entirely the right thing by her, (I hope I'm happy and chirpy on my last day!) and she went knowing you loved her. Give it time and you'll love the new one as much too.
 
Its easy to say don’t feel guilty, but I felt, and still feel, extremely guilty too. I had to have my best friend put to sleep at the end of April and it broke my heart. The worst part was going home with an empty wagon after having taken him to Leahurst for further investigations as the vets at home didn’t know what was the matter with him. An ultra sound showed he had masses in his stomach area/belly and the only way to know if they were operable was to open him up. If they were not, then he would be put to sleep on the table. Unfortunately they discovered was a massive tumour over 1m long by ½m wide and nothing could be done for him.
I blame myself for not having noticed changes in him sooner, could I have saved him? questions were always going round in my head. He had the heart of a lion and would do anything for me, the pain he must have been in still tears me apart and I am welling up typing this now as I miss him so much every day. I have to think that he is no longer in pain and he will always be with me. My other horse, who was always in his shadow, has stepped up to number one position and I have asked him questions that I would never have asked of him if my big brown horse had been with me, so in some ways I have him to thank for giving me a great year with my prince.

Remember all the good times you had together and remember that you were able to make the best decision for her, the only decision. She loves you for that and she is no longer suffering.
 
As well as losing Ruby in 2007, I had to have my own first pony pts in 2000 (hence how we came to have Ruby at all) after 20 years together. She was the only one who I had the sad "luxury" of arranging the date and time. She was 24, had arthritis and cushings and had got to the stage where she was too stiff to be stabled, but I couldn't risk finding her dead in the field after not being able to get up. The day she was pts was bright and sunny and she was taken to the field where she is buried. The grass was long and lush and she was going mad for it, the vet questioned my decision as she looked so well, but the guilt I WOULD have felt had I found her a month later frozen and dead would have been much worse. I would rather remember her the way she was, with no idea what was happening.
It gets a little easier, but I can still cry about the first one I lost ( to colic) in 1986!
They are friends, and we can make the hardest decision ever, but for the right reasons.
I honestly don't think I will ever have the kind of relationship with another horse as I did with ruby, we have 4 and the closest is my daughters sec C who we bred, because he is just so cheeky and adorable. He also follows you around like a dog. But he's not ruby :( I miss her every minute still.
 
Wagtail said:
How have others coped who have lost such a big character of a horse? Does the guilt ever fade?
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My Tb I was given when she was 3 and I was 13, I had her for 20 yrs until she had a field accident, I then had an arab mare from birth till she was 22 (pts with internal melanomas), I'm afraid I never have felt any guilt. I loved them both to bits but life goes on, both were lifetime horses and my friends. I now have a Tb and a haflinger (or two), the tb is very aloof and hard to get close to but special in her own way (nothing like my first) but the haflinger and her daughter are very different and rapidly becoming two more very special friends. I am a firm believer that we can have many life long and special relationships with horses and it doesn't have to be a once in a lifetime thing.
 
Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to reply and tell me their stories. It really does help. I was having a really bad day yesterday and today is not so bad. I got to thinking yesterday that the way she paddled her legs after falling meant that the part of the drug that stops the heart had worked before she was unconscious, and I made things worse by googling and not finding that this was a normal reaction to somulose. The thought that she may have suffered pain whilst dying made things worse and worse in my mind. Today, I have managed to banish my sad thoughts a little better before they got a hold of me.
 
This is part of the reason I am so glad that I spent some time with her feeding lots of treats and gave lots of cuddles then left the yard and some great friends were there with her for me, I just got a call when it was done. I waited 8 weeks to get another and I really missed it I have a lovely new boy who is similar and different in many ways. I find I keep watching for something to go wrong with him. I almost feel guilty that Im out having so much fun with him, but he cant replace my pops I really miss her everyday and have a wall of pics of our good times in my hall way, I would never swap any moment of them and she went looking good and happyish but just not the horse I had before the pain got her, it will get easier but allow yourself some time!
 
Merry Christmas to all our friends over Rainbow Bridge....may all your stockings be filled with carrots and polos- more importantly we hope you all know how loved and missed you all are xxxxxxxx
 
A good horse owner does the best for their horse.... A bad owner lets them suffer. Never feel bad for being good! Merry Christmas to all of us with a conscience who love horses xxxx
 
Lovely words merrick. was hard not buying the swedes turnips and guiness. Miss you Baby . RIP my beautiful girl. And a hug to all who miss thier special friendx x
 
Wagtail, the guilt is part of the grieving process. I still feel guilty about Ruby. Was there anything else I could have done ? If I had done such and such differently would it have helped? These are questions which will never be answered and arise from the grief I still feel. Yes, I have a new one and we have an amazing bond already but she is not Ruby and I don't expect her to be. I miss Ruby like hell and there are a lot of what ifs. It's only 3 weeks, give yourself time. I'm still grieving 8 months done the line and will grieve for a hell of a long time yet. Don't beat yourself up about the guilt, its natural.
 
I didn't want to read and run and I haven't had a horse PTS, I did have my cat PTS earlier this year - she was 17 and I cry when I think of her, she was such a big part of my life and without knowing it she saw me through massive changes in my life, she was there when I joined the navy, there 8 years later when I was medically discharged, she was there when we lost her sister and she was also there watching whilst I gave birth to my daughter at home. I know a horse is such a big part of anyone's life and they are the most wonderful creatures in the world, when you meet one who touches you so deeply, it's going to hurt at some point - it's the price we pay unfortunately. And now I can't get that James Blunt song out of my head, the lyrics you chose are so apt and very beautiful xx
 
I lost 3 horses in 10 days a few years back, two of the horses I had had for 20 years, the mare only 2. Walked away from horses for 3 months, til I went with a friend to a sale and bought a foal, at the age of 3, I ended up selling him as had a new baby and just no time for him, 2 years later I get a pony on loan for my daughter (May this year) November this year I lost him, he was bleeding internally again and vet said cancer. I had had enough but my daughter broke her heart, 5 days later I got her another pony, but I still think of the 3 horses I lost in ten days, grief doesn't end in just gets easier over time
 
Micramadam- ours was ruby too... True gems in every way. We lost our ruby on Friday 13th and she was 13....I wasn't superstitious until then :/
Those of you who have WPCS journals can read her obituary in the 2008 edition.
I miss her terribly- we have 4 others but like you said they're not ruby. Nor are ours but they are all loved and one day I hope another ruby will come along :)
Best wishes everyone. Xxx
 
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