WHO IS GOOD AT ENGLISH?! - help with my JRN app.

bigboyrocky

bigboyrocky

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Slaughter my english!
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and please can you help me correct anything thats not grammatically correct, or thats spelt wrong
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ignore what ive written, its just the grammar im worried about!! Thanks in advance
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"JRN application – Ellie Robins
I’m 15 years old and have ridden since I was young. I produced my last horse from a 4yr old, which I competed BE, and we achieved a few good results at PN. Unfortunately after 2 seasons trying to show him how enjoyable XC could be, he decided he’d much prefer to be show jumping. He will be going to my instructor for a year to get some results show jumping, and make use of his talent, before being sold as a show jumper. I will be extremely sad to see him go, as we have learnt a lot together, and had a great partnership – but he will definitely enjoy the career change and hopefully do well!

In October I was given a horse who had evented as a 5 and 6 year old, who was then left in a field until we were given him. He is now 15 (1995), but as he has very low mileage I feel he has a good few years of eventing left in him. He is 17.2hh so there will be a lot of horse to hold together (I’m 5’8) but fortunately he uses his power to my advantage, rather than against me. He has a lovely movement, and in Feb we will be moving him to a dressage yard (www.kingfisherequestrian.com) with trainer on site so I’m hoping his flatwork will be a strong phase for us both. We haven’t had many opportunities to jump him due to weather, but we managed to show jump him twice and take him XC once before the weather got really bad. He loves his jumping and is very talented; we just need to develop his canter which we will concentrate on pre-season, which will no doubt improve his jumping. He really enjoyed going XC, and seemed to be very genuine. Hopefully this will continue when the fences get bigger and more technical. His record proves that he has what is needed for a successful JRN horse, and I hope our partnership grows, and we can show consistency at novice level later on in the year.

I am aiming to do around 5 OPN’s before moving him up to novice level, but this is obviously very flexible, as we are still getting to know each other. If something goes wrong, then we will stay at PN for as long as he needs to make sure he is happy and enjoys his job. Equally if he finds OPN ridiculously easy and boring, then we may go novice after 3 OPN’s! If it all goes to plan I am aiming to have our first JON at Pontispool, as I have heard that the Novice XC course is quite inviting as a first timer. I understand that our show jumping has to be up to the mark as it is quite big, so this will be something I will work on in the run up to our season, as well as during the season.

2008 I competed on a few PC Novice teams, but the pony club I was with at the time, unfortunately didn’t qualify for any of the championships. Individually, I was placed 3rd in our dressage section, and achieved a DC at area SJ, in a very tight arena which my 16.3hh did very well to get round! This year I am back with my old pony club (Wylye Valley) who are much more competitive, and I hope to do all the open teams with the new boy.

On my application form, the trainers section was a little bit tricky to fill in, as we will soon be moving yards, and also trainers. A pony club dressage instructor of mine who trains with Carl Hester, said she would be more than happy to give a reference, but this may me more useful to get from my new trainer in a couple of months time, as she will be on-site and giving me weekly tuition, so she might be able to provide more of a detailed reference.

Thank you for reading! "
 
Done! Wasn't much to change. Very little (virtual) red pen needed!

I’m 15 years old and have ridden since I was young. I produced my last horse from a 4 year old, which I competed BE and we achieved a few good results at PN. Unfortunately, after 2 seasons trying to show him how enjoyable XC could be, he decided he’d much prefer to be show jumping. He will be going to my instructor for a year to get some results show jumping and make use of his talent, before being sold as a show jumper. I will be extremely sad to see him go, as we have learnt a lot together and had a great partnership but he will definitely enjoy the career change and will hopefully do well!

In October, I was given a horse who had evented as a 5 and 6 year old, who was then left in a field until we were given him. He is now 15 but as has very low mileage, I feel he has a good few years of eventing left in him. He is 17.2hh, so there will be a lot of horse to hold together (I’m 5’8) but fortunately, he uses his power to my advantage, rather than against me. He has lovely movement and in February, we will be moving him to a dressage yard (www.kingfisherequestrian.com) with a trainer on site, so I’m hoping his flatwork will be a strong phase for us both. We haven’t had many opportunities to jump him, due to weather but we managed to show jump him twice and take him XC once before the weather got really bad. He loves his jumping and is very talented; we just need to develop his canter, which we will concentrate on pre-season, which will no doubt improve his jumping. He really enjoyed going XC and seemed to be very genuine. Hopefully, this will continue when the fences get bigger and more technical. His record proves that he has what is needed for a successful JRN horse and I hope our partnership grows and we can show consistency at novice level later on in the year.

I am aiming to do around 5 OPN’s before moving him up to novice level but this is obviously very flexible, as we are still getting to know each other. If something goes wrong, then we will stay at PN for as long as he needs to make sure he is happy and enjoys his job. Equally, if he finds OPN ridiculously easy and boring, then we may go novice after 3 OPN’s! If it all goes to plan, I am aiming to have our first JON at Pontispool, as I have heard that the Novice XC course is quite inviting as a first timer. I understand that our show jumping has to be up to the mark, as it is quite big, so this will be something I will work on in the run up to our season, as well as during the season.

In 2008, I competed on a few PC Novice teams but the pony club I was with at the time, unfortunately didn’t qualify for any of the championships. Individually, I was placed 3rd in our dressage section and achieved a DC at area SJ, in a very tight arena, which my 16.3hh did very well to get round! This year, I am back with my old pony club (Wylye Valley) who are much more competitive and I hope to do all the open teams with the new boy.

On my application form, the trainers section was a little bit tricky to fill in, as we will soon be moving yards, as well as trainers. A pony club dressage instructor of mine who trains with Carl Hester said she would be more than happy to give a reference but this may be more useful to get from my new trainer in a couple of months time, as she will be on-site and giving me weekly tuition, so she might be able to provide more of a detailed reference.

Thank you for reading!
 
here you go:
"JRN application – Ellie Robins
I am 15 years old and have ridden since I was ___ years old. I produced my last horse from a 4yr old, and we achieved a few good results at PN. Unfortunately after 2 seasons trying to show him how enjoyable XC could be, he decided he’d much prefer to be show jumping. He is going to my instructor for a year to get some goo results show jumping, and make use of his talent in that area.

In October I was given a horse who had evented as a 5 and 6 year old, who was then left in a field until we were given him. He is now 15, but as he has very low mileage I feel he has a good few years of eventing left in him. He is 17.2hh so there will be a lot of horse to hold together (I’m 5’8) but fortunately he does not use his power against me. He has lovely movement, and in February we will be moving him to a dressage yard (www.kingfisherequestrian.com) with trainer on site so I’m hoping his flatwork will become a strong phase for us both. We haven’t had many opportunities to jump yet due to weather, but we managed to show jump him twice and take him XC once before the weather got really bad. He loves his jumping and is very talented; we just need to work on his canter more, which will no doubt improve his jumping. He really enjoyed going XC, and seemed to be very genuine. Hopefully this will continue when the fences get bigger and more technical. His record proves that he has what is needed for a successful JRN horse, and I hope our partnership grows, and we can show consistency at novice level later on in the year.

I am aiming to do around 5 OPN’s before moving him up to novice level, but this is obviously very flexible, as we are still getting to know each other. My trainer will advise me as to when he is ready to step up a level to N, but if it all goes to plan I am aiming to have our first JON at Pontispool, as I have heard that their Novice XC course is quite inviting as a first timer. I understand that our show jumping has to be up to the mark as it is quite big, so this will be something I will work on in the run up to our season, as well as during the season.

In 2008 I competed on PC Novice teams, but unfortunately the team didn’t qualify for any of the championships. Individually, I was placed 3rd in our dressage section, and achieved a DC at area SJ, in a very tight arena which my 16.3hh did very well to get round! This year I am back with my old pony club (Wylye Valley) who are much more competitive, and I hope to do all the open teams with the new boy.

On my application form, the trainers section was a little bit tricky to fill in, as we will soon be moving yards, and also trainers. A pony club dressage instructor of mine who trains with Carl Hester, said she would be more than happy to give a reference, but this may me more useful to get from my new trainer in a couple of months time, as she will be on-site and giving me weekly tuition, so she will be able to provide more of a detailed reference.
Thank you for reading!

there you go, that's tidier! do you have horsey parents? worth mentioning if so. fill in the ____ parts at the beginning! Who has trained you so far... worth mentioning. i wouldn't put the part about your new lad being 17.2, personally, i'd just say "we are forging a good relationship" or similar. might be worth mentioning his registered name in case they want to check his record.
 
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Kerilli's version is spot on - only a few rogue commas. I'd def go with that one.

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Agreed. I don't want to sound like I'm picky but there are grammar mistakes in the other version too.
 
[ QUOTE ]
Kerilli's version is spot on - only a few rogue commas. I'd def go with that one.

[/ QUOTE ]

I have combined them both
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imo the grammar was much better in poppys, and that is all i asked for. But i think kerili's edit was also very good so have taken a few bits from that one aswell.

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thanks guyss x
 
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Kerilli, may I be so bold as to point out that your grammar is incorrect in lots of places.

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yes, of course you can... i was trying to tidy it up (reasonably swiftly), not rewrite it completely, but i'll take my 2:1 in English Literature and Language from a very well respected University and slink back into my hole, shall i?
if i rewrote it completely it wouldn't have the same tone as the OP's, and I thought authenticity was more important than perfect grammar in this case. it's being sent to the JRN authorities, not a Uni Entrance Board...

However, please point out exactly where my grammar is incorrect though, please, i beg of you...
(oh, and my lower case 'i' are sloppy, i fully realise, but i'm going for speed here, and considering some of the truly abysmal spelling, punctuation and grammar i see on here, and refrain from bitching about, i hope i'll be excused them...)
 
Just started to type out a sensible response and got bored half way through. 'Feck it', you're wrong, I'm right and anyone who knows anything about grammar will see that - if they haven't died of boredom already. Job done for OP. Goodnight vienna (or should that be Vienna).
 
Well, if you bore yourself, you can guarantee you're boring your readers too...!
Are you an English teacher, out of interest? i'd love to know.
OP, I took out some extraneous material which i think might come across as negative/unnecessary to the Selectors, and made suggestions about more useful stuff to include too, which might help.
 
I have no interest whatsoever in disgussing anything with you Kerilli. You are unbelievably aggressive and unnecessary. All I'll say however is, if I were you, I'd be asking the university for a refund.
 
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I have no interest whatsoever in disgussing anything with you Kerilli. You are unbelievably aggressive and unnecessary. All I'll say however is, if I were you, I'd be asking the university for a refund.

[/ QUOTE ]

you are joking, surely? i have been neither aggressive nor "unnecessary" (although i can't quite work out exactly what you mean by that, that word isn't really used to describe a person, or as an insult, by those familiar with and expert in the use of the English language.)
also, if you really think that "disgussing" (sic) is how you spell that word, then i suspect you are probably not an English teacher....! tip: don't be misled by phonemes!
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you're the one who is being defensive and nasty. good luck with that, you're making yourself look like a cretin here...
btw, i received my B.A. long enough ago that I didn't have to pay for it at all, so no refund required.
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Children please! enough already!
The written word is very easily misconstrued as one tends to read a persons expression when talking and have a fuller understanding of the point being made. Emails and texts lead to a lot of unecessary misunderstanding and insults felt where none are intended.xx
 
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