Why can't I bond with my mare?

[Sheelaghxx]

I really am desperate for some advice. I have had my lovely coloured mare, Daisy for 3 years now, and I feel like I have still not bonded with her at all. At best she tolerates me, and at worst she is grumpy and ears back at me. She is the first horse I have ever owned although I have ridden on and off all my life since I was 5. However I have found it to be a steep learning curve, as ridding other peoples horses and keeping one of your own, are two very different things. I am in my late forties and not a very forceful person, and have been told that she is not bonding with me as she doesn't see me as being dominant and is therefore not respecting me on the ground. I have had a friend and horse expert helping me with this, but as I work full time I am not probably putting in as much time as I need to. Does anyone think that maybe trying a "join up" session with her would help, and does it have to be in a round pen or would an indoor arena do. Any advice would be gratefully received as I am feeling quite depressed about it all!

 

[joeanne]

If you are feeling this way after 3 years, it may be as simple as "she isn't the one for you".
Where you go from here is up to you.....either you sell her and look for something else, or carry on and accept her as she is.

 

[L&M]

I agree with the above.....

Horses are just like people - we don't get on with everyone we meet, and only few become close friends.

I count myself very lucky that I have such a strong bond with my lad. It didn't happen overnight but would say we were 'friends' after 6 mnths, and now best buddies 4 yrs on.

 

[9tails]

You REALLY have to work on a relationship with a mare. Apart from the grumpy ears back stance and thinking that she only tolerates you, what else does she do? TBH mine does all that but she's a darn sight worse with anybody else! If I'd wanted a cuddly one I'd have bought a gelding.

Do you actually like/love her? Mares can be very astute and know when you're not 100% committed to them.

 

[TandD]

Mares are a tricky subject. I've found some very loving, others are indifferent to people. You have to put time into a relationship with a mare.... If I go away and don't see my mare for a few days she will get very upset with me...my gelding doesn't care! I've also found I can only 'get on' with certain mares..... I don't particularly like those that just get on with their job as I like spark and personality in my horses...

It's about getting the balance right between trust, respect and dominance. I've always found the best way to create a bond with a horse is purely putting in the 'stable hours' I.e. Grooming, fussing, sitting in the stable and reading a book!

However it may just be that you aren't right together, just like some people can tolerate each other but not have a good relationship....What made you buy her?

edit - poster above is right...... Mares know your feelings much better than a gelding.....bit like men!

 

[Tess Love]

Not sure what the answer is I'm afraid but do think mares are can be very different to geldings and in my experience tend to bond strongly with one person. I know when I was looking for a pony it was love at first sight with Tess despite her having a bit of a reputation of being a bulshy, grumpy mare. However, we bonded almost instantly and she is very protective towards me, which is the best feeling in the world.

Good luck hope you can find someone to help you.

 

[FestiveFuzz]

I agree with the above. If after 3 years you still don't have any kind of bond I'd probably wonder if she's the right horse for you.

As for join up, I always feel in the wrong hands NH can do more harm than good so unless you've got someone experienced to help you I'd probably steer clear. As a side point I don't think you need to be "forceful" in order to be dominant or respected but you do need to set clear boundaries and be consistent.

My boy had two weeks off ridden work with a sore back a while ago but I was given set groundwork and stretches to do which not only helped his back but improved our relationship tenfold. As you say you don't have much time perhaps it would be worth focusing on groundwork for a while and see if your bond improves.

 

[teabiscuit]

I've had my gelding since weaning,he's 5. Only in the last few months has he started to 'bond' (for want of a better word)
I didn't find it a problem though, just never crossed my mind to worry about it .
I got a break through with him using clicker training. He didn't need dominating. Just the opposite, a reason to enjoy my company.
I used it to make his training easier, the improvement in 'bonding' was a nice bonus.

 

[Dumbo]

Sorry to hear you feel like you haven't bonded. Do you do much groundwork with her? I have a great bond with my gelding but I think that is mainly because I spend so much time just fussing him!

 

[Hatsslave]

I was in a similar situation, I had my mare when I was 46 and she was my first horse. I agree it's a very steep learning curve and I underestimated everything, she was extremely bolshy and barged me everywhere to the point where I was nervous handling her. That was over 2 years ago and I think we have only properly bonded in the last 6 months , we just suddenly clicked! ive done loads of work on the ground with her and I talk to her and touch her constantly. I think she's finally learned to trust me and I her. Shes an extremely strong big built girl with some belgian draught horse in there somewhere we think and she could easily do me some damage but I can now control her with my voice for the majority of the time, she's very grumpy and moody but that's part of why I adore her. I had second thoughts after about a year but persevere if you can. Good luck

 

[YorksG]

Some horses are more self-contained than others. We have had mares for a long time, they all had/have different personalities. Some have been very open and friendly, some have been more reserved (for want of better descrption). Some have felt as if they belonged from day one, others have taken up to two years. We have found that the more time you spend with them, the closer they are, which of course makes sense, as the more time you spend with them the better they get to know you.
Mares tend to take longer to decide to be your friend, but when they have they stay that way for ever. If you think about it in terms of herd dynamics, accepting others into the group can be difficult and a threat to resources, as well as being a threat
to the passing on of the DNA, while I am not suggesting that mares see humans in these terms, it is a model of how they work in herds.

 

[Sheelaghxx]

Thank you for your advice, which really helped as you have been in a similar situation with your mare. Daisy is also quite big and Bolshy, being part cob, and I think half the problem is, that being inexperienced, I am a bit scared of her, and she probably knows that! Also, I think because I work full time, I can't be putting as much time in as I need to. Can I just ask how much time you were able to spend with your mare? Also, was she stabled? Daisy has lived out all year round, so that in itself may have contributed to the lack of bonding. I have eventually managed to get a very nice field shelter with a gate on and tack room hay store etc put into her field , with a view that I could spend more time with her in the winter months, as I would be able to bring her in and give her a fuss. However she seems afraid to come into it especially at night. I have just got her to come into it now, to have her hay etc, but then she is desperate to get out of it again. I have had one go at putting her in it with the gate shut, just for a few minutes, whilst she could see me in the field, but she became so agitated, kicking the gate, that I let her out again. I have to point out, that she has been out to friends on loan, when I broke my leg, last summer, and they found her a dream to ride and look after, and can't understand why I have so much difficulty with her. So I have to put in down to my inexperience and lack of confidence. I really feel that I have let her down, and am starting to lose hope. Any ideas?

 

[Montyforever]

I never bonded with my old mare, she went to a friend in the end who loves her to bits and has got more out of her in under a year than i did in 3. Was a personality clash with us i think! I didnt even get really upset when she went to be honest, love her but there wasnt and still isnt a bond.
My little mare is a whole other story, we have such a tight bond i can do things with her that anyone else would be flung across the stable/yard for even attempting! Weve always had "something" but its really been tested the last few years with a nasty colic and acute laminitis. Lots of time spent with her, holding her head up at the vets while they did all the horrible treatments and we are stronger than ever now! The thought of loosing her makes me feel physically sick .. So probably too attached if anything! Its been a long time coming though, i thought i had bonded with previous horses but its never been like it has with Myst shes a one in a million pony for sure!

 

[Hatsslave]

Thank you for your advice, which really helped as you have been in a similar situation with your mare. Daisy is also quite big and Bolshy, being part cob, and I think half the problem is, that being inexperienced, I am a bit scared of her, and she probably knows that! Also, I think because I work full time, I can't be putting as much time in as I need to. Can I just ask how much time you were able to spend with your mare? Also, was she stabled? Daisy has lived out all year round, so that in itself may have contributed to the lack of bonding. I have eventually managed to get a very nice field shelter with a gate on and tack room hay store etc put into her field , with a view that I could spend more time with her in the winter months, as I would be able to bring her in and give her a fuss. However she seems afraid to come into it especially at night. I have just got her to come into it now, to have her hay etc, but then she is desperate to get out of it again. I have had one go at putting her in it with the gate shut, just for a few minutes, whilst she could see me in the field, but she became so agitated, kicking the gate, that I let her out again. I have to point out, that she has been out to friends on loan, when I broke my leg, last summer, and they found her a dream to ride and look after, and can't understand why I have so much difficulty with her. So I have to put in down to my inexperience and lack of confidence. I really feel that I have let her down, and am starting to lose hope. Any ideas?

Hiya, a lot of my problems were just that, mine! As I said it was a steep learning curve for me and at times I felt completely out of my depth and I wondered if things would ever get better. Had a few times where I had skin burned off my hands when she bolted and snatched the lead rein out of my hands, now I throw the rope over her neck and off we stroll to the paddock. My mare is very voice oriented and so I found this useful, if she started to pull I pulled back and said 'steady' and 'stand' and 'backup' then when she slowed she got a treat and a fuss. Did this for hours over the weeks and eventually didn't treat her every time and now only when she gets into paddock and stands nicely for me. I groomed her a lot and constantly talked to her, this all built my confidence with her over time and to be honest the buzz I got when she listened and responded to me and did what I wanted her to do was fabulous. It really is like with people, it takes time to build a relationship, I spend about an hour a day minimum with her completely one to one, not counting riding and doing stable jobs, longer if possible. I really believe that the basis of a strong bond was the work done on the ground, she's learned to respect me. I despaired at times, I was embarrassed at my lack of confidence and knowledge and even fear at times but so glad I persevered with her. Everyone has different methods and we all have to find our own way. Mine is stabled at night but hates being on her own, has your mare got others at the field shelter?

 

[paddi22]

with some horses what they consider 'bonding' is not an exact version of what you do. I have an ISH who is a pure worker and very self contained. He isn't into fussing or cuddling at all, couldn't be bother with grooming or stroking or anything. But when he is at a competition or hunter trial he just comes alive and we both really enjoy eachothers company. But once the job is done he goes back to being civil and polite. On the opposite spectrum my (semi useless!) exracer is a pure cuddler and just thrives on attention. Just completely different characters.

Bonding is different to a horse respecting you and your space though. Thats not a case of bonding or how much the horse loves you. I know my horses will never love me, they won't behave better if i love them more. But they will enjoy spending time with me if i'm confident and relaxed and i have an authentic relationship with them. I had horses since i was 5, but my ex-racer was a nightmare for the first year, i was completely out of my depth. Working with a natural horseman guy though transformed it. Really basic stuff, with tiny baby steps, to get our groundwork right. Till i got confident in myself and knew that no matter what the horse did I could handle it. He gave me a way of communicating with the horse so we both understood and could read eachother. If you are nervous of a horse you need to take a lot of steps back and bring it back to complete basics. Get someone who you trust to teach you and show you methods to have fun with your horse.

 

[JLD]

Hello. Don't have much advice about mares but with regard to the not wanting to come in at night my gelding has been happily coming in during the day but when I started to brig him in at night instead he got really anxious didnt want to come in and more on edge generally, I have instead let him potter in and out his stable as he chooses, he mostly sleeps in it but isn't shut in. I think he can't see around him as well at night as in the day and is n 'high alert' he is on his own in a field but has horses next door. When shut in he can't really see them which only bothers him at night. Could you see if she is better in during of the day and just rug her up at night ? It may not help bonding if she is anxious.

 

[khalswitz]

I agree that different horses show different levels of 'bonding'. My old horse, he was the cuddliest sop you ever met, and loved attention. The current one I only just feel like we're starting to bond now - he still doesn't like me grooming him, and regularly tried to bite me if I'm not paying attention, and will pretend not to see me when I try to catch him, but he's started neighing to me when he's in his stable when I arrive, and gets jealous and clingy - at shows, my friend says he's inconsolable whenever I'm out of sight, and when I walked PAST his field to catch my friend's horse the other day he decided gallop across the field and then follow me along the fence to see what I was doing. If I go into the field and speak to his field mate first, he pins his ears and chases him away. Yet he won't cuddle or be affectionate when I'm anywhere near him!

So she may just not be an overtly affectionate horse.

 

[Hippophilia]

It took me quite a while to bond with my mare, and some days it doesn't feel like its happened at all. She is a veteran (20-odd plus) TB with a mystery past who I bought from a riding school. She's quite reserved and a bit of a loner with horses and people, but has been fantastic for both my riding and handling skills as she does not tolerate mistakes! I got pregnant shortly after buying her so spent most of our first year together on groundwork, lunging and grooming which all helped immensely. After getting to know her better I know we will never have a cuddly relationship but I think we have mutual respect which may be more important. Although my next horse will definitely be a laid-back happy-go-lucky QH gelding

 

[jeeve]

natural horsemanship can help create a fantastic relationship with your horse. You do need a good nh instructor (or at least it makes it easier/fun and you progress quicker). I have seen what the middle aged ladies have done with their horses over the last few years, many started out rusty, unconfident, being walked over by their horse, frustrated and often in tears, now, they are confiednt - having fun, competing at adult riding clubs, starting with younger more challenging horses etc.

The key is get a good instructor - joind a good group (we are lucky to have a good nh instructor nearby.)

 

[linperrie]

I think ground work is invaluable for building a bond. I had my girl a year before we started trying to travel her in her trailer. She hates it so for months it was just about getting her to accept you going in and out calmly before even moving. We had tears, tantrums, hours and hours of cajoling and waiting and when we got to the point where the situ was ok I realised how much our bond had grown from all this work. I am not sure she respected me as much before it all and never considered how important ground work is before the. This year she had an op so months of no riding and lots of pampering and getting her well again once again improved our bond no end. She knew I was there to help and has tolerated some awful treatments knowing it's for her own benefit. It amazed me again . However all that said I do think there can be a clash of personalities that may never work and in which case it may be easier to sell her onto someone else.

 

[JillA]

Which part of Shropshire Sheelagh? I can probably help if you can get her here for a couple of weeks, I can show you some helpful exercises and things you can do. If you don't have access to transport I could possibly come to you but would have less time available, and to begin with it is important to have certain facilities such as a manege, which I do have here.

 

[margiegran]

im 59 next month and had'nt ridden for over 4oyrs when I started riding lesson three years ago and bought my first horse 20months ago I bought the first horse I looked at a 12yr old mare, god she was moody did'nt trust anyone constantly spinning and spooking. now she is my best friend, im not the best rider, never will be but to be honest I just love being around her, grooming her, sitting in her stable with a coffee.

 

[Moomin1]

Mares are a tricky subject. I've found some very loving, others are indifferent to people. You have to put time into a relationship with a mare.... If I go away and don't see my mare for a few days she will get very upset with me...my gelding doesn't care! I've also found I can only 'get on' with certain mares..... I don't particularly like those that just get on with their job as I like spark and personality in my horses...

It's about getting the balance right between trust, respect and dominance. I've always found the best way to create a bond with a horse is purely putting in the 'stable hours' I.e. Grooming, fussing, sitting in the stable and reading a book!

However it may just be that you aren't right together, just like some people can tolerate each other but not have a good relationship....What made you buy her?

edit - poster above is right...... Mares know your feelings much better than a gelding.....bit like men!

This 100%!

My mare has just become completely bonded with me/vice versa, and I have owned her coming up to 4 years now.

If I go away for a couple of days she completely changes with me for a few days. I dared to go on holiday abroad the other year, and when I got back she actually squared up to me in the stable! :-O

 

[ellijay]

My mare was very similar when I got her and like you I looked for answers. I did Kelly Marks horse psychology course which really helped and read her books. Then I got one of the IH recommend associates out and never looked back. My girl knew I was nervous of her and it worried her so she didn't trust me but now 5 years on I have the best relationship with her I've ever had with any horse. I'm just back riding after a bad knee injury and she's been so kind to me. Try the IH or similar route before you think about selling her you never know!! Good luck.

 

[Brightbay]

Agree with Teabiscuit. If you are not naturally a forceful person, don't try to be something you're not, it's unnecessary. Have a look at the variety of courses and on-line options that are out there for clicker training. I would recommend Shawna Karrasch, Peggy Hogan or Hannah Dawson Equine as best places to start - Hannah in particular is UK based, so it is structured for UK people, whereas both Shawna and Peggy are US based.
You don't have to train anything complicated (although once people see how it lights up their horse, they usually want to go on and learn more). You just need to start training things like touching a target, and then using that to work on things like polite ground manners for the horse - it is actually very easy to teach things like back up, follow, come, move sideways - all at liberty.
And that's where the reason I suggest it comes in. It's not just about training, it has a positive side effect in terms of how your horse views you. You become associated with something they find rewarding and stimulating: think about your favourite ever teacher at school (most people had one) and how good they made you feel.

 

[applecart14]

I was exactly the same with my horse and it took me at least five years before I could say I truly loved him. Now I wouldn’t be without him for the world. I had lost four before him in very short succession and it had totally dented my confidence in all things equine. I didn’t think he would be around for long like the others before him and so I never had that bond as I was scared I would lose him. In the end it took a Reiki/Horse Whisperer to tell me the age he would eventually be pts at and I relaxed as it was nine years in the future. Now it is only three so it gets me a little worried as she has been more than accurate with the reading she gave me even telling me about the black cat that no one on the yard knew I had and had lost 19 years before!

But what will be will be and I have had a ball with Bailey over the years.

but if you don't get on with her you have to ask yourself is it really worth all the agro.

You need to do things together, more in hand stuff, do something like a long hack together, or go off on a camp, just you and her. you will be suprised how that can bring you together.

That's why I like riding on my own for the vast majority of time. I just love it being me and my boy out together at shows or on hacks. You just can't beat the partnership you develop and the love you have for each other which shines through.

 

[AshTay]

You say you work fulltime and are worried that you don't put enough time in to her. Quality is more important than quantity. Are you stressed and rushing about when you see her? By all means rush about mucking out and filling nets, etc, but as soon as it's time to interact with your mare make sure you take a deep breath and refocus and relax. My mare won't tolerate me being stressed and rushed around her. Things are done calmly and quietly or I get "told off". I can get away with more with my gelding but my mare is totally different. Even if you can just spend a minute or so giving her a rub or just being near her then it will help. You don't need to "do" stuff with her necessarily.

 

[DanceswithCows]

At best she tolerates me, and at worst she is grumpy and ears back at me. She is the first horse I have ever owned although I have ridden on and off all my life since I was 5. However I have found it to be a steep learning curve, as ridding other peoples horses and keeping one of your own, are two very different things.

I'm in the exact same boat. My take on it is that you don't click with every person you meet, she wouldn't click with every horse she met...it's the same! You don't *have* to be 'bonded', if you can work together, so be it. To be honest, if mine can just get what I want done, she can 'bond' with her friends. I'll 'bond' with mine! If we can't work together or I felt it was important to be bonded to my mount I'd try another!

 

[Rose Folly]

Re 'join-up' I have done it with two of my horses in the open field - which is after all how it happens in the wild. It still works, but of course you can't just stand still - y ou have a bit of tromping to do!

 

[honetpot]

Why on earth do you have to bond with her, she is a horse and you are a human? I have five mares, all very different characters and four gelding all very different, I do not expect to bond with any of them. I do when I handle them watch their likes and dislikes, their place in the herd and who likes what to eat and try and keep them settled and content. My old school master who I have owned for 12 years and if every pony was as good as him to ride the world would be a happier place is a right old grump. If he could bite he would me but I think he still wonderful as he does the job he was trained to do, I would never worry that I am the last thing in the world he would like to stand next to unless I am scratching his back
I have two dominant mares, a mare that was bottle fed that's a pushy little s**t, and one that is so scared it can take an hour to catch her, they are just like girls at school often silly and sometimes mean and in actual fact the one that is all over me is the one I find most annoying. The main thing is to try and understand cause and effect with horses and how the difference in temperament can enhance or depress their reaction.