Working livery problems

[Hazel39]

Hi
I'm a new owner who cares very much about my horse but i don't have a lot of experience. I keep her on a working livery in a good yard, and she's well cared for by a combination of the yard staff and myself. However, the yard manager can be a nightmare. Very unapproachable and actually quite rude at times. she is very miserable a lot of the time. Apart from this I'm happy there and my horse is happy too. There are lots of lovely people to hack out with and some very good instructors when needed. This person is really upsetting me though and I don't know what to do. Should I look for somewhere else?

 

[Theocat]

I think you need to work out what the problem is. Are you worried about the care? Are you being mucked around on the agreed contract? Is the YO difficult to approach about specific things?

There are rude people everywhere. If It's otherwise ideal for you it might be best to work.out what the issue is and either address it or find a way to avoid it. If you can't do.either, then I'd look at moving.

 

[Hazel39]

I'm not worried about the care, I know that they take pride in that and the horses and ponies are all well cared for, both school owned and liveries. That's a real positive. I suppose I'm scared of the yard manager now. I have done something that upset her with regard to me trying something new with my horse. (Sorry can't go in to details as don't want to be identified). I've now been growled at and sent to Coventry. It's very childish. I think i'll have to weigh up all the pros and cons and make a decision based on what comes out. There's no need for anyone to be rude. It really spoils the way I feel when I go up there and it's making me nervous. By the way, it's not the owner that's the problem, she's hardly ever there. It's one of her employees, the yard manager.

 

[Red-1]

If this person is making owning your new horse very upsetting then I guess something has to change, as it is meant to be fun.

It would be a shame as the arrangement otherwise seems to be working out great, many people can't even find a sharer to help with exercise let alone costs.

From experience this person will not change unless you do something. If you feel like the alternative is leaving then you have nothing to lose by tackling her. I know that can seem scary, but I would pick a quiet moment and ask if you have done something to upset her. From personal experience with grumpy, rude people this will probably take the wind out of her sales, and she will ask why you said that.

I bet she has no idea how much she is upsetting you. People who are rude are usually wrapped up in their own misery and often don't realise how much they affect other people. When I have gently flagged up how much I feel upset then they have sometimes burst into tears.

Success depends on how you approach it. If you say "You upset me." then they often are rude back. If you say "When you said XXXX I felt really upset." It had a totally different effect.

When I have done this the people have reverted to some extent to rudeness (it has become their default after all) but once I know the inner story it does not upset me any more. It is likely about them, not you.

 

[Hazel39]

Lot's to think about there, thanks Red-1. I'm worried that I don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face! I think if I tackle her now I'd make things worse and would have to leave. That would mean finding somewhere new, local and affordable. Not easy! I work full time and the arrangement I have my girl with being working livery works well for me. Others have told me to ignore the rudeness, it seems i'm not the only one who has experienced it. However, it is a real thorn in my enjoyment of my horse if I can't get round it or ignore it. I'm going to try ignoring it and let the situation cool down a bit for a time and see what happens. In the meantime I need to start looking around just in case. Why do some horsey people have to be so arrogant and dismissive of newbies? (I'm no youngster, by the way, I'm an older, professional woman. Perhaps that's why she doesn't like me!)

 

[siennamiller]

It’s her issue, not yours. I know it’s easy to say, but you never know what’s going on in someone else’s life. Try looking at her with some sympathy, she could have some awful things going on, or equally she might be a very unhappy person. Either might make her the way she is, maybe that might make it easier for you to deal with?
I sympathise as when I had my first horse I had the same situation and I did move yards, but I was on diy and the new yard was closer to home so it made sense. If you and your horse are happy there then try and get past it.
Hope things improve soon.

 

[PapaverFollis]

It’s her issue, not yours. I know it’s easy to say, but you never know what’s going on in someone else’s life. Try looking at her with some sympathy, she could have some awful things going on, or equally she might be a very unhappy person. Either might make her the way she is, maybe that might make it easier for you to deal with?
I sympathise as when I had my first horse I had the same situation and I did move yards, but I was on diy and the new yard was closer to home so it made sense. If you and your horse are happy there then try and get past it.
Hope things improve soon.

I agree. You've got to wonder at the overall state of happiness of someone who is willing to get themselves into such a huff because another adult person does something different with their own horse! Obviously I'm assuming the different thing was neither dangerous nor detrimental to the horse's welfare here. And even if it was... Someone who gets in a huff instead of talking to you about the problem in an adult manner is definitely not worth emotional investment of being scared of them.

I understand where you're coming from OP, I really do. People being like this is horribly upsetting and I would be wanting to leave too. But really it sounds like you have a lively set up otherwise with good support which is very helpful for a new owner. Try not to give that up for the sake of one person being a misery. Just ignore the huff. Smile, say hello, if you need to speak about anything just speak in a calm, assertive manner - don't sound cowed or nervous - if she snaps at you just say. "Oh Ok, Thanks" and walk away and talk to someone else. If you take the wind out if her sales by not responding she might stop being so dramatic.

 

[Shay]

This is more prone to happen at working livery I'm afraid. You are basically subsiding the riding school so they are (in my experience anyway) far more prone to think of the horse as theirs rather than yours.

I don't doubt that working livery is very convenient -and far cheaper than full livery and a paid work rider. But this type of thing is the price you will pay for that I'm afraid.

None of us are in your shoes and none of us can feel how upset this is making you. Horses are a hobby and are meant to be fun. You have to balance the upset this is causing you with the convenience and security of staying where you are. You can't control her - and trying to do so will only upset you further. The only thing you can control is your reaction to her. There is no right or wrong - and I absolutely do not underestimate how desperate yard politics can be. Give yourself a break - and credit for wanting to resolve the situation. Then have a long think about that balancing act. It is far better to walk away from the battle than to win the war at the cost of your peace of mind!

 

[Hazel39]

Thank you all for your very sympathetic and useful advice. I have decided to see how things pan out. At the moment there are more pros than cons for staying here. I know that she upsets other people too from time to time, so who knows why or what is going on in her life to make her that way.
I'll be my usual kind but assertive self - and if she doesn't like it then tough. I'm not going to let her upset me. She's a bully, no two ways about it, but I don't have to have lessons from her, and my horse belongs to me at the end of the day, not the school. If anything else happens I will have to talk to the owner. However, if I do that I know i will have to leave. Spring is coming and I can soon spend much more time in the evenings with my girl. I love her to pieces and today, for the first time, she came when I called her across the field, giving me a little 'whicker' when she got to me, and I didn't even have any carrots!

 

[claret09]

just move and find somewhere you want to be. life is far too short and horses should be fun. we love having them and they also cost us a large fortune you can't put up with hassle. good luck

 

[hopscotch bandit]

just move and find somewhere you want to be. life is far too short and horses should be fun. we love having them and they also cost us a large fortune you can't put up with hassle. good luck

>This> Never be on a yard where you are unhappy. Like Claret 09 says above, life's too short. Sometimes you are forced to move for reasons out of your control, and you might not want to but if your horse is unhappy or in danger or you feel stressed everytime you go up the yard because, as in your situation, you have a horrible Y.O it can be horrific. I'm really lucky as I love my Y.O and thinks she is brilliant and has exhibited a side to her I always suspected she had but had never really shown to me following the death of my Dad and terrible health problems with my O/H. Besides which you owe it to your horse to be happy wherever you are because they will pick up on it otherwise.

 

[JDH01]

20 years ago my first horse was on a working livery, those responding above are right that you are subsidising the riding school. It is complicated and often feels safer but once you realise the horse is yours you will feel empowered to do what you need to do. I hogged my cob and the yard owner was furious and tried to make me feel as though I was abusing her horse, moved to a fab yard on a farm and have been there for 18 years! Still feels as though I was at the riding school for about 10 years as it had a psychological effect on me. I had ridden since I was 2 but never owned, first horse bôught at 37!!