Would you be mad if someone opened your birthday cards?

[Shellinch]

So non horsey but I don't have anyone to chat too that won't cause conflict so need outside opinions.

Both me and my partner are self employed and we make good money but I literally
Go weeks without anything as being self employed means we get paid all over the place!

Had to pay the childcare this morning and my birthday is Wednesday. I offered to use money from my birthday cards as it needs paying or he could have just told them situation as he gets paid tonight anyway.

My partner said don't worry I don't expect you to pay out of your birthday money. Next breath I go downstairs my cards have been opened and money has been taken. I feel angry and numb and how would you react?

It's not the lending the money that's an issue but the fact he opened my cards! I don't get any time to myself or spoilt at all. I don't get taken on dates or been on holiday together or weekend away since having kids. My birthday is the only day I get to feel special And now it's gone!

Am I over reacting?

 

[peaceandquiet1]

Would be raging!

 

[Goldenstar]

I would be stunned if that happened to me it's just plain wrong .

 

[ycbm]

Absolutely livid.

I hope you manage to have a nice day in spite of it.

 

[fiwen30]

Definitely not overreacting, I would be furious if my husband did that. He said he didn't want you to pay with your birthday money, but the money from the cards was taken? That's not lending money, that's money being taken from you without permission. Unless he has taken it in order to get you a bloody fantastic present or trip out, I'd be raising hell - that's not even exceptable tbh, no one should be near your money without permission.
I don't understand why anyone would open your cards either, you're not a child and can do it yourself! Although come to think of it, could any of your kids have opened them, by accident or otherwise, or have you had any younger or particularly spiteful people in your house recently? Have you confronted him about the missing money, and more importantly about your feelings in this whole situation?
Hugs for you, and I hope you have a lovely day on Wednesday!

 

[Equi]

I'd be angry but you did say he could. Hope you have a happy birthday anyway - try and have a nice bath later and pamper yourself make him do the kids!

 

[FfionWinnie]

Whole thing sounds odd but you did say it could be used so maybe your partner just took that to mean he could open them.

 

[fiwen30]

Equi & ffionwinnie, yes, OP said the money could be used if necessary, but then he told her he didn't want her to use it for that! OP so isn't in the wrong here, and if it was him that opened them and took it, then he doesn't have any reason to fall back on imo.

 

[Spyda]

I'd be outraged. Even if I'd said any birthday money from my cards could be used, I'd not expect ANYONE to just open them without me being there and take the money. Outrageous. How will you even know how much money was given to you, and by who? Awkward for you when trying to say your thank you's too.

 

[Shellinch]

Yes I did say but I would never ever open someone's else's cards or mail. If someone offered you money you wait for them to physically give it to you!

Only last week I needed to pay farrier as my wholesaler hadn't paid when promised and he point blank refused and said horses are nothing to do with him and I should sell them if I can't pay for them.

Just feel very used right now. I had to lend him money for him to order me a present which I moaned about as otherwise I would be getting bigger all. Last year he didn't even get me a card!

I'm 28 I work hard and didn't stop working despite have 3 kids, I also work and look after the kids and I just want to be spoilt for one day and be able to open my own cards (only had 5)

And it's was defo him and not the kids as they can't reach!

 

[FfionWinnie]

I didn't say the op was at fault I was just giving an alternative point of view.

My oh does things that don't make much sense to me all the time. He's not a bad lad but his logic and my logic aren't comparable and he just doesn't think until it's pointed out to him.

Doesn't sound like you are very happy with your lot op so maybe you need to have a discussion with him about how things are?

 

[Amirah]

I definitely agree that you don't sound happy with your lot, poor you. If there was a bill that needed paying and the only cash in the house was in my birthday cards my husband would probably have done the same. I wouldn't have minded BUT we share everything, he is incredibly generous, I open his mail etc and he would not be mean over the horses (even though he thinks they are a giant pain on the whole). So it's the background circumstances that make it so awful and upsetting.

I hope he plans on paying you back! I think you definitely need to let him know how you feel used. Men can be really stupid.

 

[PorkChop]

It wouldn't bother me, however it has obviously upset you and he probably knew it would, so you have every right to be upset.

Don't let it spoil your birthday, hope you have a nice day anyway

 

[ameeyal]

What did he spend the money on?

 

[Feival]

I would livid, in effect that is stealing. What an ********!

 

[fatpiggy]

I wouldn't be happy at all but.... what's a birthday card?

 

[Cowpony]

I would be pretty gutted if somebody else opened my birthday cards......or any post addressed solely to me, for that matter. But looking at the other side of it, maybe he realised after the conversation that he didn't have enough cash on him, so took the money from the cards and intends to pay you back this evening?

 

[ester]

What did he spend the money on?

The childcare.

For me I would just hope he had put the cards back in their envelopes.

Am I the only one :eek3: at people sending cash in the post though!!

 

[Sukistokes2]

I would be gutted if my other half did anything like that, it's not the money it's the lack of respect. I would have wanted the cards to be brought to me to open and then the money could have been given. I would make sure he knew that I was upset about not having the opportunity to open my cards and also make sure he knows that he has shown such a lack of respect. However my OH would NEVER open my mail unless it was with permission.

 

[Orangehorse]

Don't be angry at him (even though you are) be tearful and greet him with tears rolling down your cheeks. I would be very upset too, as it is a special day.

 

[DonskiWA]

NOT ON. Complete disrespect for your privacy. Grrr

 

[oldie48]

Is it really about the money and the birthday cards? You do make it sound as if your life is full of drudgery with little to look forward to. I know from experience that life can be very hard when you have young children and work but your OH should be your trusty partner not someone who takes away the little pleasure you have. I've never achieved much by getting angry or tearful with my OH but have found that a calm but blunt conversation about the problem gets the best results. I think it's really important to get "money issues" sorted as early as you can in a relationship, I'm happy for my OH to have access to my bank accounts and if I'm short of cash I'll help myself from his wallet, but we've been together a long time. I also wouldn't mind if he opened a birthday card and removed any money as I know he'd only have done it if it was absolutely necessary. However, if I'm feeling fed up generally I'll react to the smallest bit of provocation, so have a think about what is really bugging you.

 

[DD]

Mad? I'd be b$££"y furious

 

[Red-1]

TBH, if I had told OH he could use the money I would not be upset at all. He did as invited. I would not worry at all about how much money was in the cards, as he would tell me. He is my OH, so I trust him. If I did not trust him he would not be my OH.

It was to pay the childcare, not go off on some...... I don't know, as actually if OH wanted to go out boozing, and had asked for the birthday money than that would be OK too.

Your other post tells more about it, you don't sound very happy in the relationship at all.

I would be surprised if OH opened my post, as he would not normally do that. But, he has done in the past if he has thought it was XYZ, and he has been wrong, and has said "Sorry, I opened a letter of yours, because I thought it was XYZ, and I was wrong." No issues.

I think if it were me I would take a look at how I feel, both about my relationship, and also if I felt well in general, as I suspect it is about more than letters.

 

[The Fuzzy Furry]

My 1st husband did this once, and only once. It was the final straw & he was soon an ex-husband.
Never ever have I had my post or cards opened since. The current Mr TFF wont even dip into my handbag when asked to get something!

 

[saddlesore]

Under these circumstances it wouldn't bother me tbh. Like the above poster I know my husband would tell me how much money it was and I would get it back. I could be wrong OP but you sound like it's not just the card/money situation that has got you down?

 

[Damnation]

I would be fuming.

I would also like to point out it is an offence to tamper with someone else's mail.

 

[AmieeT]

Nowhere in the original post does it say that OP said he could open the cards, only that she'd give him the money.

I would be absolutely livid. Not just the money, but the privacy, and as others have said the lack of respect.

 

[LHIS]

Is it really about the money and the birthday cards? You do make it sound as if your life is full of drudgery with little to look forward to. I know from experience that life can be very hard when you have young children and work but your OH should be your trusty partner not someone who takes away the little pleasure you have. I've never achieved much by getting angry or tearful with my OH but have found that a calm but blunt conversation about the problem gets the best results. I think it's really important to get "money issues" sorted as early as you can in a relationship, I'm happy for my OH to have access to my bank accounts and if I'm short of cash I'll help myself from his wallet, but we've been together a long time. I also wouldn't mind if he opened a birthday card and removed any money as I know he'd only have done it if it was absolutely necessary. However, if I'm feeling fed up generally I'll react to the smallest bit of provocation, so have a think about what is really bugging you.

^ I agree with this. I'd expect such outrage from a child maybe, and though I get that your birthday is the only day that's yours I get a feeling of some resentment here, this incident is just the straw that broke the camels back. Try and work out what the route of the problem is and start there, and get it sorted.

 

[LittleGinger]

My partner said don't worry I don't expect you to pay out of your birthday money. Next breath I go downstairs my cards have been opened and money has been taken. I feel angry and numb and how would you react?

I think what would annoy - and yes, upset - me the most is the lack of communication.

It sounds from the above like you were upstairs whilst OH was downstairs opening your cards. In that case, I would be gutted that OH hadn't just yelled up the stairs to me (or better still, come up!) and said 'actually, just checked and I haven't got as much cash on me as I thought - do you mind if I do take some of yours and we'll sort it out tonight when I've been paid?'. I'd then probably either open the cards there and then or yell back for him to feel free.

Apologies if I've misunderstood and you weren't in the house at the time.

It sounds like your unhappiness runs deeper than this, though. I hope you find a solution.