Would you continue to read?

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cobmum

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Here is the first few paragraphs of a friends book. She is sat here with me (not a member herself) and wants feedback so i suggested HHOers!

My name is Rosie Fairfield so by way of introduction I shall share a few details about myself. I am in my early thirties, I love my husband and chocolate in equal measure and I am completely utterly mad about horses.

I sit daily in my windowless office dreaming of having the perfect canter on a perfect gleaming chestnut gelding with not a care in the world. Reality though is I have to get the finance report done in half an hour otherwise my boss will give me one of ‘those’ looks again and I will end up stuck at my desk way into the evening.

Tonight is the night that I have the conversation with the husband. I’ve done my sums, I’ve worked out a schedule and rehearsed my lines. All in all I think it will go well. It’s not as if he doesn’t have his hobbies although I am not sure if darts in the pub whilst having a beer or playing poker can be considered hobbies to be honest. In some way I don’t consider this a hobby it’s a way of life, essential to my happiness but as my best friend Trisha said ‘you have to grow out of this at some stage’.

I’ve ridden horses since I can remember …….
 
So sorry but I wouldn't. It could easily be just another thread on here. That's not to say the rest of the book could be fab. Just not what I would need to spark mt interest
Maybe you could post a section from another part??
 
Yes, I would - I'm wondering where it will all end - an affair up at the yard, spending so much time up there with the new horse that the husband feels left out, arguments about how much money she spends on the horse "ARe shoes really that much???", children feeling left out as mum is always at the yard, divorce, ..... oh - just tell her not to buy one!!!:D
 
No I can't say I would. Did you C&P or type it out yourself? Because there are errors which would annoy me no end where it published ;)
 
No I wouldn't, I think it's a bit too run of the mill, normal boring life. Maybe if "Rosie" seemed funnier, maybe more "Bridget jones-ey" perhaps I would?
 
Another paragraph a bit later on in the book. I said to my friend it doesnt grab you from the start and Rosie seems a bit to normal to be in a book. This is her first go at writing this style of book. She is really welcoming your opinions no matter how harsh! Mistakes are mine as i am typing out!

I called out to Ruben willing myself to stay calm. Trying not to panic or look at the blood I slowly edged towards him. I could feel the stallion’s cool eyes glaring at me every step I took, praying he wouldn’t bolt again. Maybe it was sheer luck or perhaps that horsemanship course paid off but I finally grasped the cold leather of the reins.
 
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JFTD said:
No I can't say I would. Did you C&P or type it out yourself? Because there are errors which would annoy me no end where it published ;)
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It is rare to see stuff that doesn't have errors in these days I reckon - anyway, that aside, I am assuming the somewhat simple start is a deliberate "colour" and that the style of language and character will develop as the novel develops. (this is used in that book "Goodnight Mr Tom" - sorry, but I can't remember the author).
 
Sorry - it is not doing it for me - neither the opening nor the second extract. It is just not written in a style that would make me want to read it - there are too many words that are not adding anything to the prose.
 
cobmum said:
I called out to Ruben willing myself to stay calm. Trying not to panic or look at the blood I slowly edged towards him. I could feel the stallion’s cool eyes glaring at me every step I took, praying he wouldn’t bolt again. Maybe it was sheer luck or perhaps that horsemanship course paid off but I finally grasped the cold leather of the reins.
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First thought on this is that with a name like Ruben, he is probably Jewish - is that part of the plot? A stallion? Leather doesn't usually feel cold (mine doesn't anyway - my reins feel oily and a bit gritty. Bolt again? I think if your friend is going to write about horsemanship courses, she should make sure she gets her facts right in this respect as "real" horsey people will get really irritated if stuff is presented wrongly - also, I am guessing that in a novel, one would have to get permission to use names/trademarks such as Parelli or whatever.
 
Just had a thought which may be more constructive than my previous post - is your friend part of any writing/writers groups? I know there are a few writers on here (names escape me, but I think Catembi is part of one) and they may be able to give more constructive advice than some of us lot (and by 'us' I mean numpties like me) :) Searching some soapbox threads might be helpful too :)
 
To be brutally honest I like the second extract even less. It sounds more like a young teens book. I wouldn't be particularly gripped by the blood or the stallions "cool eyes". It just reminds me of something I'd have read when I was way younger. Sorry x
 
JFTD said:
Yes, the irony being the "where" typo in my own post :o fail.

The high frequency of errors in media doesn't make it acceptable though, in my humble opinion.
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Ha ha - yes, you're right. The Radio Times, for instance, is stuffed full of grammatical errors as well as misinformation.
 
I have to say, I will read anything if it's free - say it came free with an issue of Your Horse or Woman's Weekly or something - I'd read it, whatever it was, but then I do spend ages in the loo.
 
Waffles said:
Ha ha - yes, you're right. The Radio Times, for instance, is stuffed full of grammatical errors as well as misinformation.
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Serves you right for reading the RT! TV Times is where it's "at". And at least some of the articles in the TvT are very well written (by my Oxford educated, linguist best friend) :D


eta, TMI :eek:
 
Countrychic said:
To be brutally honest I like the second extract even less. It sounds more like a young teens book. I wouldn't be particularly gripped by the blood or the stallions "cool eyes". It just reminds me of something I'd have read when I was way younger. Sorry x
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Yes I am afraid I agree. It just sounds like words for the sake of words and guessing the plot she had no horse then she gets a stallion who bolts hmmm
 
JFTD said:
Serves you right for reading the RT! TV Times is where it's "at". And at least some of the articles in the TvT are very well written (by my Oxford educated, linguist best friend) :D


eta, TMI :eek:
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It's not my fault. My husband buys it as it has reasonably extensive radio listings for radios 3 and 4. He won £50 in book tokens once for getting first prize in the RT crossword - seriously though, RT has been dumbed down hideously!!
 
Countrychic said:
To be brutally honest I like the second extract even less. It sounds more like a young teens book. I wouldn't be particularly gripped by the blood or the stallions "cool eyes". It just reminds me of something I'd have read when I was way younger. Sorry x
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Dont be sorry! You hit the nail on the head, this is the market my friend is writing for we wanted to see if anyone thought by the style of writing this is who the traget audience is. A character that teens may look up to in a way or see like an older sister type character. My friend is already reworking the start!

I have mentioned a writers group so thank you to the person who recommended that. I dont know how writers do it they have to think about each individual word it would drive me insane!!
 
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Waffles said:
It's not my fault. My husband buys it as it has reasonably extensive radio listings for radios 3 and 4. He won £50 in book tokens once for getting first prize in the RT crossword - seriously though, RT has been dumbed down hideously!!
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Ah I see... I've never read it... (I don't even read the TV Times, tbh :o )
 
No, sorry I wouldn't read on. The sentence construction throughout is really weak which means that it has quite a dull rhythm to it. The detail is forced and cliche. Sorry :(
 
Reads much better as a teen book but I'd revise her character still - probably easier to aspire to be / look up to a twenty-something who's single or with a boyfriend than someone a touch older with a darts-playing hubby as it might be just a bit too removed.
 
Countrychic said:
To be brutally honest I like the second extract even less. It sounds more like a young teens book. I wouldn't be particularly gripped by the blood or the stallions "cool eyes". It just reminds me of something I'd have read when I was way younger. Sorry x
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Have to agree with this. It sounds like a teenagers book written by someone not very horsey.
 
Then I think the lead character needs to be younger if that's the target audience and if possible less of the odd descriptive words like "cool eyes" and "cold leather".
I prefer my Bridget jones horse idea lol ( if she writes one and makes her millions can I have a new horse?)
 
I'm a teenager, and, no offence meant, but I wouldn't read it! Ditto Countrychic, less adjectives and more substance please! It all sounds very over dramatic at the minute, and feels very stoppy and starty. Sorry OP's friend :(
 
Children's literature is an extremely competitive field and, in my opinion, the successful authors are the ones who write as if they are addressing intelligent, caring, interested people (JKR, Neil Gaiman, David Williams, Jacqueline Wilson). The first abstract sounds a bit infantile and while reading the second I thought there might be some soft porn coming up! Then again if the stallion turns out to be a vampire stallion with a diamontee mane/tail then it really doesn't matter what the quality of the writing it like, it could be a massive hit leading to blockbuster movies!

Sorry if this comes across as too negative! I couldn't write fiction to save my life, so well done to your friend for giving it a go!
 
Sorry, another no. Now, but even more so as a teen, a central character who starts off having to ask her husband if its ok to buy a horse would put me right off. In all honesty now she sounds a bit down trodden, as a teen with no concept of mutual decisions, I would have thought she was a doormat/ muppet. And both now & as a teen I would think 'numpty' from the second extract. I really can't read a book when I can't feel anything but contempt or empathise with the main character, or at least have to find them interesting. Plus hate flowery descriptions, eg 'cool eyes, cold leather' etc. However I think the same of a few popular well known authors & books so hope your friend isn't too offended.
 
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