Would you pick your OH over your horse?

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Gypley

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I know a lot of people's immediate reaction to this question would be a resounding NO, and being that I don't want to disclose everything that's going on in my life on here, I know it's difficult to say not knowing my situation.

But loosely speaking, you adore your OH despite the fact he's always hated your horses. He begrudgingly lets you do your thing with them, even though he'd like to spend more time at home with you.

Your not married, although some day you would like to be and see yourself as being with this person for the rest of your life. The horses tie up a lot of your money and at times it restricts what you and OH can and can't do. You know that he hates this and can often be the cause of arguments.

Horse wise you have an old lady and a youngster your planning to back in the spring, which is ultimately going to take up even more time. You love the pair of them to bits but for some reason your hearts not in it like it used to be.

Would you give up your horses for him ?
Have you been in a similar situation?
Did you regret the decision you made ?
 
If giving up horses is going to make you unhappy then ultimately that will sour your relationship so i would say no i wouldn't. Does he not have his own interests that take up time? Relationships are about compromise, and you both should try and make it work so you both get a little bit of what you want.

If me and my OH got into trouble financially (lost jobs, disability etc) and we couldn't afford the horses then that is a different matter and they would have to go if necessary. But i would not give them up just because OH thinks they are not worth the time and money.
 
No horses are my life always have been always will be love me for me or not at all
I say this in true confidence having given up a very good relationship other than I couldnt devote enough time to it, I started to resent him & that was that
 
It doesn't sound like this is solely to do with your OH. Your post says that your heart is no longer in it like it used to be - are you sure you aren't maybe looking for a bit more of a reason to give up, and your OH might be providing that with his dislike of them?

To some extent I agree with SoS - I wouldn't give up my horses purely because my OH hated them and wanted me to spend more time with him, because that is controlling and manipulative behaviour. But, do look at how much money and time you spend on them. If you are out every weekend and every evening, with little time for OH, and you never go out with him/ do things with him because every spare penny goes on the horses, then I do think you probably need to give a bit more. How much do you both compromise?

If you genuinely want to be with this man for the rest of your lives, it is worth looking at the bigger picture too. You could have a break from horses - how would he react if you sold up then bought another later down the line? Does your OH have hobbies too? Does he want you to give them up just to spend time with him, or is it because he is concerned, say, you won't be able to afford to buy a home or have children together (because money and time all goes on horses)?

My BF wouldn't make me choose between him and my horse, despite the fact I know he is baffled by how much it costs (money and time). I also know he hates me doing anything which requires me leaving the ground, and has already banned me from doing XC once we have children (tongue in cheek!) ;) However, he would never demand I sell up. Has your OH actively done this?
 
I would give up horses for my oh of 38 years but only if we couldnt afford them or they were making him suffer in any way, but he would never ask me to as he has been around less time than my love of horses and any time I have tried to give up I have been miserable.
In a new relationship even if I thought it was going somewhere then it would be a resounding no as any person willing to ask isnt a person I am willing to stay with as that isnt a compromise that is a dictatorship and I am very strong willed and stubborn so no one will control my life ever. I am flexible and very much a person who does things for anyone else but I wont do it unless I want to and I never do anything for money only for caring
 
I think anyone who really loved and understood you wouldn't ask you to make such a stark choice as completely giving up horses (unless that's what you want to do, or financial/health disaster struck) but there is certainly a balance to be struck, which chestnut cob lays out very well in her email above.

My OH used to resent it terribly and it caused a lot of unhappiness between us. He is important to me, I have chosen to spend my life with him of my own free will so I did what I could to balance it out, I actually think he enjoys having the time to himself to mess around on computers or with his guitar. I have friends who seem to spend every weekend competing and I wonder if their OH's ever resent it, from the outside looking in it does look like they never do anything else, but who knows what goes on behind closed doors?
 
If someone made me choose between both then my OH isn't the one for me!

If I wanted to give up as I wanted something different then That's another story
 
Would your horses dream of putting you into a position where you had to pick? No.

I couldn't be with someone who would make me choose. It isn't really down to being a choice between OH and horses - it's down to OH not valueing you enough to want to you to what makes you happy.

You say your hearts not as into the horses anymore - is this because you're tired of fighting for them?

What happens if you get rid of the horses and grow to resent your OH for it? Then you'd end up with no OH and no horses..
 
There have been points over the last year or so where I thought the horses would have to take a back seat due to my husbands illness and the extra stresses that would put on my time - not just caring for him but needing to do extra jobs around the house and looking after the dogs more (usually his responsibility) and if he falls ill again then I might be in that situation. For this reason I would give up the horses to care for him and to do my extra duties around the home etc. I would also give them up if finances were an issue for us (which they would be if one or both of us had to give up work.

Otherwise - I cannot think of a time I would give them up and he would never ask me to anyway.

In all honesty if your OH does not understand how important the horses are to you and your life then maybe he isn't actually the one. How do you know that whatever interests you get he will not like it - jealousy over your time etc. you may never have time for your own interests
 
We all find the going tough at times, when winter seemingly seems endless or the horses are repeatedly injuring themselves, but ultimately, you get through it. However, if you've lost interest, then it is probably better to give them up.

That is quite separate from the issue of the OH resenting the time spent with them. If you give them up for him because of being pressured, even in a sutble way, then, yes, you may eventually resent him for that.

Love is about being generous and wanting your partner to be the happiest they can be. Selfishness is the opposite of love and wanting that from the person they claim to love, is just that. selfish.

My OH would do everything in his power to help me always have the horses and that is one reason why he is the most important part of my life. I would give them up for him if they were detrimental to his emotional or physical health.
 
Don't get me wrong, he's not outwardly asked me to choose. I've just been toying with the idea if not having them would make us happier. I'm not unhappy, just stuck in a rut. We're great as a couple and I have to admit I'd like to do more things as a couple ie holidays etc.
but I have no idea if this would ACTUALLY make me happier, or would I spend the rest of my life regretting selling my oversized dogs. on the other hand, in years to come, will I regret not doing more with OH without the ties of children etc.
I know that this is an impossible question that only I can answer.
 
Gypley said:
Don't get me wrong, he's not outwardly asked me to choose. I've just been toying with the idea if not having them would make us happier. I'm not unhappy, just stuck in a rut. We're great as a couple and I have to admit I'd like to do more things as a couple ie holidays etc.
but I have no idea if this would ACTUALLY make me happier, or would I spend the rest of my life regretting selling my oversized dogs. on the other hand, in years to come, will I regret not doing more with OH without the ties of children etc.
I know that this is an impossible question that only I can answer.
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Its all about give and take, for me, as a golf widow, my Oh could not be happeir that I (unlike his friends wives) dont notice how long he is on the golf course. I do my thing he does his, my advice, get him a hobbie!
 
OP could you pop them on grass/ retirement livery (where you don;t have to go so not DIY) for a few months over the summer when they can be out 24/7 - just to give you a taste of what it would be like without them? an oldie and a youngster would come to no harm left for a few months.

If you love the space then you can make plans to sell them, if you hate it, resent your OH and spend more on shopping for rubbish and hence have no extra cash then you can go and pick them up and carry on happy in the knowledge it;s the right decision.

I'm in the process of going back to work in a new job after mat leave, this is also resulting in us moving house. OH and I have debated long and hard about the horses and TBH he's keener on keeping them at home than I am (he never rides and lived in a flat in London when I met him!!). FOr us the sensible thing to do would be to have a normal house and focus on new job - but he knows how happy it makes me to be able them to go out and give them a good scratch after a long day and he thinks all the work of looking after them for me is worth how happy they make me (he really is a very special OH)

If your stuck in a rut then be prepared to find out it's not the horses that are the problem! (sorry)
 
Don't normally post but I am making a very similar decision.

I have an old pony and a younger, high-maintenance horse. My heart's not in it like it used to be and my OH is supportive but not overly fussed. I've made the decision to sell my younger horse to free up some cash and some time so my OH and I have more choices and can do more together. It's been a heart-breaking decision, but the most exciting thing in my life at the moment is the life that my OH and I are planning, and I don't want to do anything to jeopardise that goal.
 
My husband is my soul mate and my rock. I'm lucky he loves horses and rides too but if he didn't I would still pick him over horses because no matter how amazing my time is with my horse it is not enough to talk over the issues of the day or to be my moral support when I'm down or financially help me If the finances aren't working out. He's also the father of my soon to be baby and I love him in a way I couldn't love a horse. Husband would win. (But he'd never make me chose as he's very supportive)
 
I gave my horses up once for my husband and regretted it. A couple of years into the marriage he was always out at his sport, be it golf, cricket or rugby. His words were; this is my life and if you want to spend time with me then you have to join in.

Needless to say, the marriage didn't last. He was far too controlling and selfish. I don't think current husband would ask me to give anything up. He is happy that I have my hobby and he helps where he can.
 
Possum said:
Don't normally post but I am making a very similar decision.

I have an old pony and a younger, high-maintenance horse. My heart's not in it like it used to be and my OH is supportive but not overly fussed. I've made the decision to sell my younger horse to free up some cash and some time so my OH and I have more choices and can do more together. It's been a heart-breaking decision, but the most exciting thing in my life at the moment is the life that my OH and I are planning, and I don't want to do anything to jeopardise that goal.
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It's incredibly hard isn't it. Just wish I could see into the future!
 
No I wouldn't, for me it's like asking to choose between family members. They don't have to like each other but should be able to co exist!
 
I think the key issue is whether you feel supported and free to do what ever you want to do within a relationship.

My OH is a farmer and gently grumbles about horses (waste of land.... look a mess... waste of money etc) but I've told him, very clearly, that if I got rid of them, I'd expect him in for tea every night at 6pm, I'd have dull social events planned for his night out with the boys, and I'd want to go clothes shopping (with him as a bag holder), every Saturday without fail. He's happy silaging into the small wee hours, can go out every week with his mates to talk farming, and spends his weekends covered in all kinds of mud happy as a pig in...

One key thing, is taking time out to do things together. So we'll make a day after any particularly manic phase and just go to the seaside... or walk... or mooch about a nearby city. It works for us, and once when he didn't think I was looking I caught him patting my horse and having a little chat. He also, turned up unannounced with an angle grinder to fix the metal work of my stables.. *love*.
 
If you are fed up with horses that is one thing, but if you are thinking of giving them up to fix your relationship then prepare to be disappointed. Best advice I can give you is to look at your relationship as it stands, ignoring the horses, and decide whether it is worth maintaining.
 
My OH is totally un-horsey and has nothing to do with my mare. Yes he does occasionally grumble about me spending time with the horse but he would never, ever expect me to chose between him and the horse. I've had the horse 16 years, been with OH for 13 years and married for 8 of those with a now 6 year old son. 3 years ago I made the decision to put my mare on full livery to free up more time for us as a family. I still do her at the weekends but if we're going out somewhere I'll get up early to do the horse so that it doesn't impact on our day.
 
I did once....never again. i regretted it and have done ever since, and it put a strain on our relationship which eventually ended anyway. i will never do it again. Love me, love my horse/daughter/baggage! :)
 
Arizahn said:
If you are fed up with horses that is one thing, but if you are thinking of giving them up to fix your relationship then prepare to be disappointed.
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I'm afraid I worry the same thing would happen. Saying goodbye to your horses in the hopes it will improve your relationship probably won't work out long term. You'd need to be certain your OH won't just resent you doing anything that a) costs money and b) doesn't include him.

I said goodbye to a boyfriend of four years for this very same thing, just when it looked as if we'd be tying the knot. I realised it didn't matter what hobby I did in my spare time, he'd just think of it as a waste of money (his own hobbies weren't of course). It was something I realised on my own. Now, years later, I've married a man who has never once grumbled about the time and money I invest in my horse and I wonder why I ever put up with that at all from previous boyfriend.
 
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