Would you pick your OH over your horse?

[Gypley]

And to answer some questions you've been asking. OH and I both put an equal amount into a joint account to cover bills & shopping and the rest of our money's our own.

He earns nearly twice as much as I do but we put the same in.

His hobby is the gym / running. He does the london marathon each year so training up to that is pretty intense, but still not as time consuming/expensive as my hobby.

 

[quirky]

My oh wouldn't ask but if money was tight, then yes, I would give her up for my family.
I don't think I would if he pressured me for 'social' reasons, if I didn't resent him at the time, I'm pretty sure I would later on.

 

[atlantis]

I think you have answered your own question. If there's any doubt then don't get rid of the horses. It took me about 8 months to decide to sell and I didn't really give up as I took on a share. Bit of a break for having my daughter.

I miss Boo every day but he is in the most wonderful home (and was very easy to sell so I could be totally picky lol!!) and I get regular updates.

My oh cycles a lot (a lot) but our main problem is almost falling out about who gets more time to do their hobby cos of a lack of childcare. Then we both feel guilty that we're not at home but want our 'me' time.

However this weekend we've agreed to structure it more so that we get family time, he gets cycling time and I get riding time. It'll help that share mare moves to a yard with longer opening hours at the end if the month, so I plan to go riding before oh and daughter are out if bed!!!

 

[pippixox]

Thank you so much for all your lovely replies.
It really helps hearing so many opinions and applying them to my situation. Whilst I'm still not sure what to do, I pulled up to the yard this evening and my boy was waiting in the field smiling as I pulled up. (Although he'd probably just smelt my mares wee or somthing equally as gross as oppose to being genuinely happy to see his mum pull up) but it put the biggest smile on my face after such a crap day.
No matter how much I love my OH, he fills a completly different space in my heart, there's a bit that is reserved for a bay pony of a lifetime and another for a coloured pain in the bum.

Have I just answered my own question ?

yes you have!
this winter has been very hard, and there have been (very very brief) moments when i have worried about keeping going and the massive amount of money i use every month to keep my horses, with very little fun at the moment. but every day i see them they make me smile

fitness fanatics- my OH does iron man- if you asked them to stop running they would go insane- they crave it, just like how we crave time with our fluffy beasts.

 

[Kikke]

YES always! are you kidding me.
suppose depends on the OH but mine is perfect. even has his own horse but both the horses will go out the door this instant if it came to that!

 

[Gloi]

I wouldn't be with someone who wanted to come between me and my horses in the first place.

 

[JohnParfit]

Just to put a male perspective on this. ( Albeit from one that loves our horses.) I would never ask my wife to give up her hobby. Especially one that involves the commitment to an animal. Would you suggest selling the dog or cat ? However, as you go through life you are probably going to find times when a hobby as all consuming as horses is going to make things very tough indeed and you are going to have to go the extra mile to make it work. When I met my wife she still had her childhood pony, although she had already sold her other horses. We looked after her until she died. She didn't get back into horses until the kids had grown up a bit. But this was definitely her choice and as soon as she said she wanted another horse I was supportive as it's her passion and lights her up like nothing else. However, I do draw the line at 4 of the ******* and we aren't having any goats,chickens, geese... You'll know what's right and it has to come from within you.

 

[Copperpot]

I would never give up anything I love for anyone. And someone that loves me wouldn't dream of asking me to. I can't stand being dictated to what I do with my time and my money. It's just a big bug bear of mine.

 

[NativePonyLover]

No, I don't think I would. My OH isn't remotely animal-y, let alone horsey, but he does accept how much a part of my life my horse is. I'm not sure he quite understands why I have so much love for a ASBO, yob of a pony, nor has he ever got his head around the twice daily visits or the eye watering amount of money, but he accepts it.

It's a constant juggle of money, time & effort - but ultimately, it can be done. I'd never give up said ASBO pony, but there are some nights he gets put to bed by my friend, or put to bed muddy by me or ridden at 5.45 am because my OH wants an evening together after work. Do I always feel a little bit guilty every time my pony goes to bed with mud clumps hanging off him because I didn't have time to groom as I was with my OH? Yes, I do. But my pony doesn't care a jot.

Equally, there are some nights my BF has to fend for himself because I'm having a lesson or pony has the physio. Do I feel bad? Yes, Is it the end if his world? No.

My OH did actually admit, he might not see eye to eye with my pony (there was an unfortunate incident, well two actually - one involving my OHs designer wallet being somewhat chewed. The other involving my OH's bottom and my pony's teeth) but he's glad I have my own interest, as his job can involve long hours at fairly short notice - there's been a few dates cancelled! But, at least it's a good excuse to spend more time with my pony.

My OH will probably never be a hands on boyfriend around horses, which some other liveries question, but he does ask about him and is happy to pop in to see him if we are passing that way or if we are out and passing the feed merchants/tack shop & I need to pick something up.

Good luck It's hard, but I think both can be done. X

 

[SkewbyTwo]

I think that sooner or later, you would regret it.

 

[Renvers]

You'll know what's right and it has to come from within you.

This ^^ I know what you mean about the smile and feeling seeing your horse gives you

I wouldn't give up the horses for an OH, but that is me and like everyone else your relationship is unique to the two of you. My OH wouldn't ask he reckons it is part of who I am and they are my family - however weird that he reckons it is!

Is your OH wiling to scale back on his hobby to give you both more time together?

 

[Peregrine Falcon]

I came with a pony and he came to the wedding. Marry me, marry my pony. My ponies are part of me. We've had some tough times with potential job losses etc but I've still kept my ponies (although I did sell a few as I didn't have time to do them justice). Ponies=my sanity and happiness therefore leading to happy marriage (well as happy as they come anyway

Life is about comprimise and I don't ride as often as I would like as my family time is also important to me. Good luck with your decisions.

 

[Spencer93]

If my OH ever complains about the amount of time I spend with the horses (very rare occurance and normally when I'm hours later than I said I'd be or late for going out somewhere) he just gets told they were here a long time before him and will be around a long time after him.

I'd give them up like a shot if he realy needed me to - if he was ill or something like that - but not just because he resented them.

If you give them up, what will he want you to give up next? It's not the path to happiness unless it's really what you want too.

This ^ I picked an OH over horses once, didn't sell the ponies but had a young mare in the process of backing which I pretty much abandoned for him. Few months later resented him and we split. Have felt guilty about that pony ever since. My current man doesn't really like horses and won't get involved but he'd never dream of asking me not to do something I love

 

[maccachic]

Horse wise you have an old lady and a youngster your planning to back in the spring, which is ultimately going to take up even more time. You love the pair of them to bits but for some reason your hearts not in it like it used to be.

Would you give up your horses for him ?
Have you been in a similar situation?
Did you regret the decision you made ?

I struggled with this when I met my OH my "horse are my life, competing every weekend" disappeared I simply didn't have the mojo anymore. I think in the past horses were a good time filler for me and other guys I went out with didn't rate as highly. I love spending time with my OH and have actually converted him to riding. But I found it hard to accept that I wasn't the horses are my life person anymore.

I have sold my eventor and have a youngster I play on and I have taken the pressure off myself to ride all the time and its a lot better.

Slightly different situation to you but a bit more perspective maybe?

 

[SatansLittleHelper]

I'm single but I have a horse...many parrots and dogs. I could not imagine ever giving them up for anyone....with my daughter being the ONLY possible exception. And even then there would have to be a very good reason.

 

[Polos Mum]

When OH and I got married this was our wedding cake - when I met him he was living in a flat in London and had never owned a pet (at 33) - I think you can see what's important to us and similar values are important I think

 

[Shysmum]

Ever since I saw the title pop up, this has made me smile every time I see it - great thread OP !

Shy and I are till death will we part - hubs and I are only if we divorce will we part.

 

[Honey08]

Gorgeous cake, Polo's mum. Far too nice to eat or cut up!

 

[Polos Mum]

Gorgeous cake, Polo's mum. Far too nice to eat or cut up!

Thanks, they look just like them as she worked from photos - luckily you can keep all the animals as they dry out and last forever! -

 

[Spottyappy]

Also, love your cake Polos mum.
I did give up a boyfriend years ago as he give me the ultimatum, him or the horses. He went.
Now, after 20 years of marriage,to a different man, I would only give horses up if it was down to health issues, or some thing that would make it very hard to keep them in the way I like to care for them. The same would go to our other animals too.

 

[Sugar_and_Spice]

But loosely speaking, you adore your OH despite the fact he's always hated your horses. He begrudgingly lets you do your thing with them, even though he'd like to spend more time at home with you.

Your not married, although some day you would like to be and see yourself as being with this person for the rest of your life. The horses tie up a lot of your money and at times it restricts what you and OH can and can't do. You know that he hates this and can often be the cause of arguments.

Horse wise you have an old lady and a youngster your planning to back in the spring, which is ultimately going to take up even more time. You love the pair of them to bits but for some reason your hearts not in it like it used to be.

I have been in this situation. I didn't adore him *because* he hated my horse! I regularly used to tell him that I didn't need his permission to "let me do my thing with them" because as an adult how I choose to live my life is my decision alone and that wanting to pursue an outdoor hobby which is good exercise and relaxing is not an unreasonable thing. Like you, I thought we'd be together forever and that we were essentially happy.

Being a horse owner did cause arguments and I grew to hate my OH for it, amongst other things. Basically, he would have hated anything I was involved with if it took up my time, time that I then couldn't be there to jump every time he clicked his fingers :rolleyes3: He would have hated anything that took a significant proportion of my wages. He saw my wages as an extension of his own... eg. If I sold the horse we could have had a bigger house because I could have paid more towards the mortgage, if I sold the horse we could go on holiday more often. I felt no need for a bigger house and have never much liked going on holiday, but my thoughts weren't important to him. Essentially, I was there for his use and he had no use for horses. Not that I could see this at the time.

I too started to find that "my heart wasn't in it anymore" about lots of things. What I couldn't see at the time was that this was because I was exhausted mentally from having a rubbish home life: arguments, constant snippy comments and moaning - all of which was apparently my fault for (in his eyes selfishly) having a horse rather than a 60hr a week career job, despite the fact I've always wanted a horse and never had career ambitions, something I was always open about. He considered me doing anything that didn't directly benefit him as selfish, when actually he was the selfish one for holding such a viewpoint.

Ultimately, I knew that anything I did for me that he didn't agree with would cause rows and an unpleasant atmosphere, so I started trying to work out his reaction in advance, essentially I was asking permission in a round about way. I slowly started to not want to do things for me that I knew he would disagree with, things that had previously given me lots of pleasure and been important to me, because I started to consider it to be more hassle than it was worth. Eventually I saw the light and realised it was my boyfriend who was more hassle than he was worth.

I now have a new boyfriend who, like me, considers the horse part of the family. He doesn't have a huge interest in horses, but the horse is important to me and since I am important to him therefore the horse is too. It's a much more satisfactory lifestyle.

 

[EffyCorsten]

My last boyfriend didnt want me to have horses so he had to find a new girlfriend!

My husband loves the boys, he's not totally into the whole thing but he wouldn't make me choose. If for some reason I did have to choose, it would be my husband everytime.

 

[Dutch]

Hi

My ex (note!) hated me riding or spending any time with my horse...he became my ex as he really wanted me to give up even though even HE wasn't very nice to me. The difference is, though, that I didn't live with him.

My bf now is wonderful, he loves it that I ride, he rode a lot as a child and we want to buy a hunter for him! He likes the time on his own and also likes it that I'm happy.

xxxx

 

[mcnaughty]

It is definately not a partnership when your partner wants to change you to that extent. 1st 2 - yes 2 - husbands and their families could not understand the horse lifestyle and even now my neighbours and their parents give me the regular one sided conversation around time/money whilst they have no interests themselves and would not think twice of spending vast amounts of money on alcohol and expensive champagne! It is about personal choices. My current OH is an obsessive golfer - he plays all weekend, every weekend and quite frankly I am delighted!!! My son (13) also plays golf and our daughter (7) rides with me. My suggestion to you OP would be to get some help - loan out the older horse or part share would be better and think long and hard about the youngster. Sounds to me like you might need a break for a while but perhaps it is just the OH pressure that is making you think that way?? A good long hard overview of your life should be very high on your agenda!!!!

 

[Pigeon]

I live for my horses, they're a huge part of who I am, so no. I couldn't be with someone that didn't like horses (even in a detached 'I'll feed it carrots' kind of way) or didn't understand the whole hobby/obsession thing. I'm lucky that my OH has an obsession of his own (music) and probably spends as much money on it as I do on the ggs!

 

[Newwilds]

I can definitely see where you are coming from when OH are concerned!!!
if anything like mine- they turn in to a sulking child I would never choose my OH over my horses, he knows this I make this known . He met me when I worked 6 days a week 13 hours a day with horses so he knew then it took up my life .
End of the day he knows where the door is or he enjoys the time we do spend together and we make that special.

Obviously winter months are the hardest by the time I fed child and the horses are ridden and put to bed I get home and its shower and bed time, summer months it is better as we sit in the garden until 10pm at night (unless im chilling with the horses riding in the cool hours) xx

 

[Greygirl]

No I wouldnt. I could not be with someone that didn't realise how much my pony means to me. In return I don't mind how long he spends on the golf course or in front of Sky Sports!

 

[chesnutty]

I stopped riding for a number of years, during that time I met my boyfriend and we had a gorgeous daughter. Last year, just as she was turning two, we moved and the opportunity came up to start riding again and ended up with me loaning a horse. My boyfriend has never had anything to do with horses and is pretty scared of them, but now every spare second I have is spent down the yard - to start with he found it very difficult, and can't understand it, even a little bit, which ended up in me feeling very guilty. Now he's a saint, and lets me do what I want without an complaint.

He definitely did the compromising, but whenever he wants to do something I give up my hours at the yard that day so he can. Sometimes I wish he would get involved, but I think that might take a number of years!

 

[mytwofriends]

Ultimately people are more important in my opinion. I've lost two dear people in the last few years and it certainly puts things into perspective.

I have also had some fairly rocky times with my OH of 30+ years. My horses helped me greatly then, and we made it through, probably stronger than before.

So I've seen both sides of the coin, and I feel able to say that my OH would come first every time.

That's just me, and everyone will have a different opinion/justification, but the older one gets, I believe the more important close family and friends become. You never know when they might not be around.

 

[ILuvCowparsely]

I know a lot of people's immediate reaction to this question would be a resounding NO, and being that I don't want to disclose everything that's going on in my life on here, I know it's difficult to say not knowing my situation.

But loosely speaking, you adore your OH despite the fact he's always hated your horses. He begrudgingly lets you do your thing with them, even though he'd like to spend more time at home with you.

Your not married, although some day you would like to be and see yourself as being with this person for the rest of your life. The horses tie up a lot of your money and at times it restricts what you and OH can and can't do. You know that he hates this and can often be the cause of arguments.

Horse wise you have an old lady and a youngster your planning to back in the spring, which is ultimately going to take up even more time. You love the pair of them to bits but for some reason your hearts not in it like it used to be.

Would you give up your horses for him ?
Have you been in a similar situation?
Did you regret the decision you made ?

In your situation no I would not give up the horses, they are your life and there must be a way of keeping both happy, maybe another type of livery.

Similar yes hubby hated well hated to strong, did not like the idea I spent all day every day down with my horses including weekends


Personally I was single till 2004 even though with my man since 1984, I now would not get married again, it took away some of my decision I want to make and do. I would stay single and keep my independence