Writers and editors - testimonial for instructor - need help

PolarSkye

PolarSkye

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OK, so our trainer has asked if I would mind writing her a testimonial . . . below is what I have come up with - and I said I would also include individual quotes - one from Z (Kal's jockey) and one from me . . . my questions are: 1) is this too long (it's for a website); 2) is it factual enough or is it too descriptive; 3) how do I tie the quotes in - include them in the main body or do a couple of separate text boxes underneath?

"PolarSkye (stable name Kali) is a 16.3hh, 14-year-old Polish sporthorse, owned by XXXXXX and competed by YYYYYY. YYYYYY, who took the ride after XXXXXX was injured, has spent the winter schooling Kali and made great strides in bringing him on, and has started eventing him just this year. Although he is a talented jumper, his flatwork has let him down, and both YYYYY and XXXXXX needed some fresh eyes and new tools to improve his paces, enhance his attitude and increase his dressage scores.

After just five weeks of instruction (one lesson per week) with C, and some intensive hands-on help in the form of accompanying the team to competitions to help the combination warm up and focus, Kali and YYYYY's dressage scores increased by more than 14% and he is now consistently placed in competitions. His trot in particular, which was his worst pace and at times resembled a puppet, is now free, fluent and expressive.

C’s input extends well beyond what happens in the arena, either at home or at a competition – she is always willing to go over a dressage score sheet, watch a video of the combination in action, discuss feeding, turnout and general care issues and provide moral support when things don’t go to plan.

Team PolarSkye look forward to unlocking yet more potential in this lovely, sweet horse with C’s invaluable help and support."

Thanks in advance :). I'm on the Pimms watching the tennis so you're welcome to some if you fancy . . .

P
 
Hi Polar Skye! I'm a copywriter and taking a look at what you've got I'd say it's great, but perhaps a little too descriptive and maybe a tad long. I would also put the quotations after the testimonial personally.

Here's what I'd write:

"Polar Skye (stable name Kali) is a Polish Warmblood owned by XX, and competed by YY, who took over the ride after XX's injury. YY has spent the winter bonding with PS in preparation for eventing this season. Although they have developed a strong bond when jumping both XX and YY felt that PS could do with a helping hand on the flat.

After just 5 sessions with C the combinations dressage score improved by more than 14%, thanks to C's dedication and hands on help at competitions. C's support and encouragement now means that PS's paces are now free, fluent and expressive.

Whether training, discussing stable routines, or simply providing moral support C is professional, experienced and focussed on helping you unlock your horse's full potential.

Team Polar Skye would like to thank C for all her invaluable help and support and we look forward to seeing PS progress in the future."
 
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Thank you very much for this - just what I wanted thanks :). I will wordsmith just a little on top of your edits and give to my trainer. I am sure she will be appreciative of your contribution.

P
 
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