WWYD?! An amazing opportunity?!

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Horsegirl85

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Hello all, this is my first post but I have been lurking for a while and think this is a great forum!
Well, where do I start.....?! I have been riding for 20 years and did stop for a while but got into it again when I started a horse share last year which ended in October, I then started riding my friends beautiful horse 2 days a week and am also doing my BHS Stage 1, yesterday we moved the handsome boy to a brilliant new yard and as we were on our way there, my friend said she had some news.....she would like to give me her horse on a permanent loan basis as some various things have come up for her and she couldn't think of anyone better to have him, either that or she will sell him. Now the reason I am on here is because a) I am desperate for my own horse and wow...no one has ever offered me anything so amazing and b) I have a partner who doesn't understand horses!

Basically my horse share last year was a lot of hard work (I am not afraid of this) but I was made to feel scared to ask for weekends away to go camping etc, it was a strain but I solely put this down to the owner as my current share is so much different, we are currently on full Livery now and that is the way I would keep it as I do work full time and would allow a little breathing space when needed!

My partner is very against me getting my own as he thinks it will be a time and money constraint (which I know it will!) but it will be my decisions this time, no one elses!

Now what would you guys do, my friend would remain overall owner but he would basically be mine and everything of his will be mine, I would not need to buy anything, tack, rugs included etc, just pay for his livery and for shoes and my friend would continue to pay his insurance.

I see this as a massive and amazing opportunity but have to think of my partner as well, would you just say stuff it and go for it? (a couple of people have advised me this) but I have to think of us!

Sorry for the essay guys, just really need some advice on this one! :-D :-D xx
 
As someone with an anti horse OH it can be difficult. Every time you either can't afford to do something or don't have time to do it can be noted down and used agaisnt you.
How much will paying full livery impact your lifestyle? What if you lose your sharer?
It does sound fab and a wonderful opportnuity but be calm and write a list of worst (and best!) case scenarios first.
 
If you can afford full livery then it should give you the breathing space you need, not to be there every day. And as it's a loan rather than a share you won't have an owner telling you what you can and can't do. You do have to consider your partner, and sit down sensibly to work out the finances and logistics (and if they are wholly unreasonable about it, then maybe say stuff it!).

Although this seems like a fantastic opportunity (and the horse sounds lovely) try not to be too blinded by the offer, and consider whether this is something you would actually have chosen if your friend hadn't offered it. Would you, for example, have looked through ads for horses for loan (and they are out there), chosen this one, and taken him home? It may be that what suits you better is actually a share, or a different horse. If you are sure this is the one for you and you can cope with a full-time horse, then go for it.

Would your friend consider still doing him, say a day a week, or would she consider you finding another sharer? That might ease the finances and time constraints, while still leaving you in control.
 
I would say go for it! If you are on full livery it doesn't put the same time constraints on you as it does when you need to be there morning and night to feed, turn out, bring in etc. you can even take a day or 2 off knowing horse is fully taken care of.
 
If its your money and its not affecting your partner whats it got to do with him? If you can balance time between horse and partner whats the problem?
 
It will be a huge, compared with sharing, financial commitment, not just the livery every month but the routine vets bills, dentist shoes etc so you really need to think that side of things through. Is he a horse that really suits your needs would you choose him if you were to go out looking independently and is he fit, sound and free of ongoing health issues?

The old saying of "never look a gift horse in the mouth" no longer applies as these days there are plenty of "gift horses" that you certainly would not want to own, just make sure the too good to be true offer really is what you want, if it is enjoy horse ownership.
 
What a fantastic opportunity, what a lovely position to be in and a lovely offer from your friend. I think you need to sit down with your partner and discuss how you feel about this and how important it is to you, how much you will regret it if you don't at least try.

I had 3 horses at home but none rideable for various reasons and when I said to my husband that I wanted another he wasn't happy 'we don't need another horse' was the response I got but when I explained how much the riding part meant to me and put it in terms he would understand (how would he feel having a dog that he could never take for a walk or a shotgun that he could never shoot) he changed his opinion. He has been very supportive since :)

Full livery will give you breathing space to have your weekends away etc
 
If you are on full livery then I wouldn't think time would be much of an issue as you don't have the mucking out, feeding etc to worry about. Would the full livery include exercise or is he the sort of horse that can go a good few days without exercise and still be the same horse or will you have the time to exercise him every day? If you want to keep him fit then that is a big consideration.

Personally, regarding the unsupportive OH, that is a difficult one. I had one, I had my horse before I met him so he knew the score when we got together. Things started off ok but when it started getting serious between us he was incredibly jealous. He would make me feel guilty for spending time up at the yard riding, chatting with my friends, going to competitions. In fact I spent a good bit of money buying some basic show gear and entry fees for my first attempt at showing, when I didn't do well he made me feel so daft for wasting my time and money. My horse was on DIY but was out at grass most of the time so it wasn't like I had mucking out to do she didn't take long at all. Then she injured herself and he was the most unsupportive person I have ever encountered. Even my non horsey friends and family were more supportive than he was. It was a really horrible time, he made me feel awful for not wanting/being able to afford going out etc. In the end I ditched him. There were many other reasons why I ended it but the disagreement about the horse was a huge one that affected everything but he was a generally controlling person. It is something you really have to think about and discuss with him. It really isn't his decision but for it to work and for there not to be any hard feelings etc he needs to at least be accepting and understanding. Sorry for the ramble.
 
You really need to discuss this with your OH. Full livery is the way to go when you work full time, but that means that a lot of your spare time will be spent on the horse otherwise when will you ride? A full loan horse will need to be ridden about 4 times a week to stay sane, so that means both days at weekends and a couple of evenings a week. That does make a huge difference to your plans as a couple.

Do you and your OH have shared finances? Horse ownership can take up a huge chunk of your salary, the livery alone is a lot of money and there is always a need for a physio visit, a new saddle, a new rug, etc.

Finally if you do go ahead with this or any other loan make sure you treat it as a formal agreement. The BHS has a very useful loan form which you and the owner can fill in and it clarifies a lot of questions about who is responsible for what. Doing this now will save you a lot of trouble in the future.
 
Being in a relationship does not mean you stop being you and if horses are a part of who you are, that's that!

I think it's quite dangerous territory in a relationship when it comes to the point that a person cannot have time to themselves to do what they want. OH's don't have to like horses or even understand our fascination with them and love for them. They should however have enough respect for us to want us to do what makes us happy....and us them for their "things".

If you go ahead, which I hope you do, get contracts in place and enjoy it.
 
_GG_ said:
Being in a relationship does not mean you stop being you and if horses are a part of who you are, that's that!

I think it's quite dangerous territory in a relationship when it comes to the point that a person cannot have time to themselves to do what they want. OH's don't have to like horses or even understand our fascination with them and love for them. They should however have enough respect for us to want us to do what makes us happy....and us them for their "things".

If you go ahead, which I hope you do, get contracts in place and enjoy it.
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I so agree with this. Any man that wants you to quash what makes you happy isn't worth it. It is perfectly manageable to have a horse and have time to do other things with your partner even if that means some compromise.

I do think though that you need to make the arrangement with your friend formal. I never understand the term "permanent loan". If it is a loan then the owner can always change her mind at any time and have the horse back as can you return it. It is either long-term loan or a sale/gift. I would want proof of insurance too and agree what happens if the horse becomes unrideable for any reason.
 
It's a difficult situation. I've been there. My partner did resent the time I spent with the horses, especially as it was most of the morning hours of the weekend. I used to feel really stressed if I was out for a long hack and knew I would be late back. I couldn't go for coffee afterwards with my horsey mates as I was always rushing home. If I was really late, he'd be in a right old stomp! Also, I was spending around £6k a year on horses (and I was on DIY!). The actual stable chores for one horse are not that time consuming though and most of the time was spent riding and pampering her.

I think in the end my OH just got so fed up, he decided to buy a place with land and stables so I never needed to be away at weekends again (apart from the odd show)....RESULT!

I say go for it. Yes, it may strain your relationship, but so would not getting the horse, as I am sure you would grow to resent your partner months or years along the line for denying you the chance to live your dream.
 
Hello, thank you for all your replies so far, very helpful! The handsome chap is 5yrs old, connemara x 15.2 palamino and is a very cheeky chappy but cute at the same time! he is like a goat and grabs your clothes and pulls you towards him! he is excellent out hacking on his own or in company, my friend has been doing the odd dressage comp with him and he has a good pop on him too (although i fell off last time I jumped him!) he has a lot of potential that's for sure!

I have asked my friend whether a 6 month trial maybe an option so that we can see if this will definitely work and it means I can have a summer of fun! She has said I can move him to anywhere I would like so I do know if another full livery 7 days a week for £40 a week cheaper and this includes a lot of things, feed, bedding, haylage etc. We have our own money and then we have a joint account for the mortgage and house stuff so my money is my money! if it was a turn of the tables i would say go for it but hey ho!

We are saving up to get married next year but we are both on good wages and my shifts maybe changing where i do the odd weekends so would then have days of in the week to ride which wouldn't affect him as much.

I had an initial chat with him last night and gave him the facts and said please have a think about it as I don't want to push him into it and feel free to ask any questions, he knows how much I want this and I am not getting myself excited about it! I am sure my friend would be open to me having a sharer if i wanted and it would be for me to arrange and sort out!

Ahhh.....what to do!! Thank you for your help all!

:)
 
Horsegirl85 said:
Hello, thank you for all your replies so far, very helpful! The handsome chap is 5yrs old, connemara x 15.2 palamino and is a very cheeky chappy but cute at the same time! he is like a goat and grabs your clothes and pulls you towards him! he is excellent out hacking on his own or in company, my friend has been doing the odd dressage comp with him and he has a good pop on him too (although i fell off last time I jumped him!) he has a lot of potential that's for sure!

I have asked my friend whether a 6 month trial maybe an option so that we can see if this will definitely work and it means I can have a summer of fun! She has said I can move him to anywhere I would like so I do know if another full livery 7 days a week for £40 a week cheaper and this includes a lot of things, feed, bedding, haylage etc. We have our own money and then we have a joint account for the mortgage and house stuff so my money is my money! if it was a turn of the tables i would say go for it but hey ho!

We are saving up to get married next year but we are both on good wages and my shifts maybe changing where i do the odd weekends so would then have days of in the week to ride which wouldn't affect him as much.

I had an initial chat with him last night and gave him the facts and said please have a think about it as I don't want to push him into it and feel free to ask any questions, he knows how much I want this and I am not getting myself excited about it! I am sure my friend would be open to me having a sharer if i wanted and it would be for me to arrange and sort out!

Ahhh.....what to do!! Thank you for your help all!

:)
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A wedding is one day. You will always have horses in your blood and if he says no, what do you do then? I find it really quite worrying that you have to sit down and ask him to think about this. I don't think relationships should be a case of doing what you want, you absolutely need to consider your partner in everything, but I do think it wrong when one will make a decision for the other. Even if you don't get this horse....even if you give up horses, there will come a time in your life when your hankering takes over and you'll be back in this kind of situation. The last time I sat down and gave someone the facts and asked them to think about it and didn't let myself get too excited was when I was asking my parents if we could buy Teasle when I was 13. Since the day I started earning my own money, I made my own decisions.

Dan wasn't thrilled when I got Fly. He had no interest in horses and all the same things, lots of time and money etc. I discussed it with him. We never ask each other necessarily, but we talk to each other to find out where we stand and we both compromise. I do the girls at times that it doesn't affect Dan. I am usually gone, done with the girls, even when they were stabled, I would be all mucked out and sorted and home, sat down with a cuppa before Dan got out of bed.

If you're going to be on full livery, yes it is more expensive, but it should affect him that much with time.

Over the past three years, Dan has come to see how much the girls mean to me. Life is hard, it throws crap at us all the time and so when you find something that genuinely gives you a little escape and happiness, you should take it.

I would never ask Dan to give up his bikes and he'd never ask me to give up the horses....we work around it.

I really do hope that your OH is sensible about this...I really wouldn't feel comfortable with being a grown adult letting someone else make my decisions.
 
My OH wasn't at all horsey before we met, he didn't mind the ponies (he knows I have ridden/had ponies since I was a tot) and said they gave him a good excuse to go golfing with his friends at the weekends - win/win situation as far as I was concerned!!

However, he is now very much into the ponies as for one of our wedding presents last year, two of our friends bought us an Exmoor foal! He is forever now popping to the yard to see his little girl and coming with me on dark, rainy mornings to help turnout and muck out!! I can barely believe it!! I think it's great that he has come around "naturally" so to speak, I made sure to never push him into coming to the stables/shows etc as I didn't want him to resent the ponies - now he loves them I am over the moon! We don't have the luxury of full livery - small private yard and all jobs are done between me and my friends so my OH also now gets to help out with the "man" activities needed like fence fixing etc etc :) he is in his element!! I do feel very fortunate though - realise this could have turned out very differently with someone so non-horsey in the beginning!
 
exmoorponyprincess1 said:
My OH wasn't at all horsey before we met, he didn't mind the ponies (he knows I have ridden/had ponies since I was a tot) and said they gave him a good excuse to go golfing with his friends at the weekends - win/win situation as far as I was concerned!!

However, he is now very much into the ponies as for one of our wedding presents last year, two of our friends bought us an Exmoor foal! He is forever now popping to the yard to see his little girl and coming with me on dark, rainy mornings to help turnout and muck out!! I can barely believe it!! I think it's great that he has come around "naturally" so to speak, I made sure to never push him into coming to the stables/shows etc as I didn't want him to resent the ponies - now he loves them I am over the moon! We don't have the luxury of full livery - small private yard and all jobs are done between me and my friends so my OH also now gets to help out with the "man" activities needed like fence fixing etc etc :) he is in his element!! I do feel very fortunate though - realise this could have turned out very differently with someone so non-horsey in the beginning!
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Yeah, Dan will come and help if needed and he may moan a bit but always it is me pulling him away from his Fly and Molly cuddles than the other way around, lol.

I feel I may have sounded a bit harsh to the OP but it does genuinely worry me. Especially with a wedding in the near future and already a joint mortgage. That is a lifelong commitment to someone. I honestly don't think I could give up one part of my life for another. You can always justify his position and his reasons can always be made to seem very strong, but at the crux of it, this is something you really want and are clearly very excited at the prospect of and yet the one person in your life who should be on your side and supporting you is actually being the one person that is making it difficult for you.

So many threads about unsupportive OH's have people posting that the OP should leave, it's a bad relationship etc. I do not believe that is the case here at all, but it would concern me if I am being totally honest.

This is your life. You are never going to not love and want to be around horses. Why should that be insignificant? It isn't. It is part of who you are. Why should you lose out? You can and should make compromises to make it work for you both as a couple, but part of that should not, IMHO be asking his permission and hoping he says yes. What happens if he doesn't? Next time he does something for himself and you support him in doing that, you'll build up resentment over why couldn't he do the same for you.

You've got an opportunity here to reset the tone of the relationship. I don't know because I am not you, but ask yourself and answer honestly....is there a side to this relationship where you do feel you need him to be agreement before you do something or that you can't just do your own thing when you want without it being an issue? If there is any part of you that feels he runs the relationship and makes the main decisions regardless of your wants/needs/desires...then it is of course up to you, but you might want to ask yourself if that is how you want your life to be for the rest of your years on this earth. It may just be that you need to redefine the boundaries a bit.
 
I think it sounds a great opportunity worth taking. If you are comfortable that you can afford the livery bills, plus all the extras that go with horse ownership then I would go for it. I would hope that your oh would be understanding and supportive of your passion. I do think it's reasonable to discuss it with him as obviously it will be more time consuming that your share, and your oh needs to be prepared for that. It will affect the time you spend with him, which may put a strain on your relationship at first, but once you get into a routine and he is used to it then one would hope he would accept it as part of life. It will also give him time to fulfil his hobbies/passtimes.

Good luck with it all op, let us know how you get on :)
 
Hello, definitely appreciate what you are saying GG, but he is definitely not as bad as i may have made it sound, i think its because I have been riding on/off for the 10 years we have been together and then I took it up again last year 3 days a week. The horse share I had last year was DIY so it was a lot of time and the fact the owner was difficult, although I have been a lot quicker with my current share and usually back by half 7 which i think is a decent time and like you say, could be up early on the weekends to ride.

Like you all say an amazing opportunity and my friend has confirmed that she would be happy to trial it and if it didn't work out he would be up for sale, there is absolutely no pressure from my friend and does completely understand, obviously something neither of us want is to sell as she knows he will have a perfect home and be as spoilt as he is now. Horses are my passion and he does get this and is especially chuffed I am doing my BHS Stage 1 so he can see how committed I am. i definitely don't want to push as I do want him to come round to horses in his own time (like exmoorponyprincess) as would hate him to resent the cheeky chappy!

Full livery seems the perfect option as I know where I would stand with weekly costs with bedding and food etc, she has recently bought him a new saddle and bridle and new rugs so that wouldn't be something I would need to buy for quite sometime. plus he is groomed and mucked out so I just need to take up and ride! I truly think a routine is the way forward and in time he would get used to it!

I am glad I am not alone in non-horsey OH but i may push this idea for a trial and see if he notices any differences, which i doubt he will too much! Do any of you who work full time go home first, have tea and then see the ponies or is it easier to get it done straight after work (this is what I do currently)?

Thanks again for all the advice, keep it coming as is all helping!

:)
 
Horsegirl85 said:
Hello, definitely appreciate what you are saying GG, but he is definitely not as bad as i may have made it sound, i think its because I have been riding on/off for the 10 years we have been together and then I took it up again last year 3 days a week. The horse share I had last year was DIY so it was a lot of time and the fact the owner was difficult, although I have been a lot quicker with my current share and usually back by half 7 which i think is a decent time and like you say, could be up early on the weekends to ride.

Like you all say an amazing opportunity and my friend has confirmed that she would be happy to trial it and if it didn't work out he would be up for sale, there is absolutely no pressure from my friend and does completely understand, obviously something neither of us want is to sell as she knows he will have a perfect home and be as spoilt as he is now. Horses are my passion and he does get this and is especially chuffed I am doing my BHS Stage 1 so he can see how committed I am. i definitely don't want to push as I do want him to come round to horses in his own time (like exmoorponyprincess) as would hate him to resent the cheeky chappy!

Full livery seems the perfect option as I know where I would stand with weekly costs with bedding and food etc, she has recently bought him a new saddle and bridle and new rugs so that wouldn't be something I would need to buy for quite sometime. plus he is groomed and mucked out so I just need to take up and ride! I truly think a routine is the way forward and in time he would get used to it!

I am glad I am not alone in non-horsey OH but i may push this idea for a trial and see if he notices any differences, which i doubt he will too much! Do any of you who work full time go home first, have tea and then see the ponies or is it easier to get it done straight after work (this is what I do currently)?

Thanks again for all the advice, keep it coming as is all helping!

:)
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Hopefully the bit where I said I am not you so don't know and that I would not jump to think he was bad or you should leave came across...as that is not at all what I meant...just that it sounded a bit like you weren't very free to just make the choice for yourself.

If anything, he'll end up happier as he'll have a happier you to live with :)
 
_GG_ said:
If anything, he'll end up happier as he'll have a happier you to live with :)
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I would definitely be a lot happier!! Ha! Well I am generally a happy person anyway, there was a point when I got so low about getting my own horse last year that I was resenting my OH and was probably a bit horrid to live with, this isnt the first time this conversation has come about but i always talked about buying not basically been given one that I really care about and enjoy working with! Off to ride him tonight and really looking forward to seeing him! Doing a lot of thinking and writing down and will be speaking to the OH more about it over the next couple of days, i think he may be avoiding it all and hoping I will forget about it, where it is all i am thinking about! asking loads of people advice (especially you lovely lot!) and just getting my head around it all, still in shock that this may be happening and what an awesome opportunity my lovely friend is offering me! :) majority of the advice is go for it, when else would you have this chance!

Thanks again all x :)
 
Hey all, sorry for the delay in the update but all is good news! I now have Harry on permanent loan (trialing for 6 months) and it has been 7 days so far! We did a contract and everything is going very well!
Moved him to the yard I wanted to and we have settled in really well and everybody is just lovely! He is loving being turned out as he wasn't at the last place so is a chilled out dude now(turned into a fizz ball before)! got the OH to come up with me today and he seemed to enjoy it as well!

All in all, I am one happy girly and cannot wait for what the future brings! :-)

Thanks for all your help and advice! :-D xx
 
Lovely to get an update. Glad everything worked out well. Lets hope the OH falls in love with him!

To be honest, I can see his point, horses are a huge drain financially, especially with a wedding coming up. Sometimes when we are tight for money I think of all the things we could have had/done if we had not been paying out hundreds a month keeping the horses. But they are part of the family and we all share/enjoy them.

Sounds like you're in for a fantastic year and lots of fun.
 
I'd go for it - you regret what you don't do in life rather than what you do - if it all goes wrong you can hand the horse back - simples...
 
My ex OH was not at all horsey-- even though I met him through horses-- a story for another time. I really wanted a horse, and he disagreed, saying we did not have the money, it was a waste of money, it took up too much time... etc... so I did without a horse for awhile ( we were living together a fair few years before we married)-- having agreed a modest wedding ring, we rowed horribly a week or two before the wedding when he decided he wanted to spend a lot of money on a giant diamond ring ( for me)-- I said I did not want it, and if we had that kind of money to spend on things, I would rather have a horse. No large ring, no horse-- wedding went ahead--- a year later, my new next door neighbour had a horse, a friend at work had a horse for sale, OH was on a camping trip... I went to try the horse, checked out the livery where neighbour had her horse... all was set, but I wanted OH to agree.

OH rang me when he got out of the mountains-- and the first thing he said after I said "hello" was "you have a bought a horse!" How did he know? Well I hadn't bought it yet... he claims there was some tone of my voice that told him... anyway, we agreed to talk about it when he got home, and that time, he said OK.

It did change a lot of things-- but I told OH there needed to be room for me in the marriage--- all of me-- and if he loved me, he would understand my love for horses, even if he did not share it. He came to be all right with the horses, we occasionally rowed about things--- but then that was not limited to the horses, and the horses were even a minor thing.. yes horse became horses... I think an OH can come to terms with it, if they see how much it means to you.

ETA

Sounds like you are having a great time with the new horse-- hope you keep having fun. Glad to hear it is working out!
 
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My OH always said I couldn't have a horse because we'd never have any spare money, he'd never see me (or the car) and it would generally take over my life. (all perfectly valid arguments). Then I was offered Jasper on full loan, and he grudgingly agreed. About 12 months later we were out with friends and I mentioned that Jasper needed a new stable rug. OH's best mate said "Thought you said she couldn't have a horse?" and his reply was "If I had known what a difference it would make to her and how much it meant, she would have had one 20 years ago". I had Jasper for 10 years and lost him very suddenly, (heart attack) three months before I lost OH (cancer). That was not a good year. Discovered that OH had made provision in his will that I was to be encouraged to get another horse. I now have an Eric! I think the point I am making i go for it. If the OH is right for you he will realise your need for horse. If not perhaps not the right OH?
 
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