WWYD Husband doesn't want me to jump anymore

[Durhamchance]

I had an accident this weekend. I ride for a friend and we were at our first ODE (UA) Everything was going fine until the cross country, when the pony seemed to have had enough and threw in a dirty stop halfway round. I came off into a solid table and I've broken my finger. We're looking into what's wrong with the pony, getting the checks done and having him tested for pssm, but that's another story.

My husband has asked me not to jump anymore. The accident has shook him up more than me and I guess it wasn't much fun for him and my friend to hear them requesting medics over the walkie talkie. I can't ride for a bit now anyway as my finger needs to stay in a splint, but I did have every intention of giving it another go, I'm working towards a personal goal of taking part in BE eventually.

He's put his request in a very emotive way, asking that I consider our young children, likening it to him going out and buying a motorbike for his commute to work. He doesn't want me to put myself in unnecessary risk. I appreciate his thoughts and can't argue with his logic I guess, but it means I've got to give up what I want to do.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Do I just suck it up and learn to love dressage?

 

[DD]

learn to love hacking, grooming and just being around horses. think yourself lucky to have a horse at all. you can go back to jumping later when the kids are older.

 

[ihatework]

Oooo tricky.
I'm not sure I like the emotional blackmail element, I think I would just let the dust settle for now, get fixed and back hacking/schooling and then broach the jumping discussion at that stage.

 

[bonny]

I don't think you should give up on something that you want to do, it's your life as well and you only have one.

 

[Annagain]

Some of the worst falls I've had have had nothing to do with jumping. You could agree, only for your horse to trip out hacking or to spook at something unexpected in the school the next day (both have happened to me). I understand that it's shaken him up but ultimately it has to be your decision. I don't think it was very fair of him to ask you to be honest. Guilt tripping someone into giving up something they love isn't very nice. The cynical part of me wonders if he's afraid of having to do everything you do to look after the kids and house etc if you're injured. I know many men who would think that way!

 

[Merlod]

Presumably you've been riding since before you met him he know what he was getting himself in to when he married you and when you decided to start a family so now is not the time for emotional blackmail.

My family are all in to higher risk hobbies (motocross, horses) and do you know what the biggest hospitalization has been? Cancer.. you can't control everything so just enjoy what you can whilst you can.

 

[Widgeon]

Oooo tricky.
I'm not sure I like the emotional blackmail element, I think I would just let the dust settle for now, get fixed and back hacking/schooling and then broach the jumping discussion at that stage.

Some of the worst falls I've had have had nothing to do with jumping.

Agreed, can you leave it for now and approach it again when he's not feeling so shaken? It sounds to me like he is being emotional because he is himself frightened, which is totally legitimate, but it also sounds like maybe he hasn't understood the inherently risky nature of horse riding. Presumably you rode when you got together, or when you decided to have kids - so he did know you had a risky hobby? At the end of the day you can't remove all risk from your life. Perhaps you could also look at safety measures like a new air jacket, or similar - it might help him feel better? (obviously you may well take all possible precautions already, apologies if this is the case)

 

[Widgeon]

Presumably you've been riding since before you met him he know what he was getting himself in to when he married you and when you decided to start a family so now is not the time for emotional blackmail.

My family are all in to higher risk hobbies (motocross, horses) and do you know what the biggest hospitalization has been? Cancer.. you can't control everything so just enjoy what you can whilst you can.

I couldn't agree more with this.

 

[Tiddlypom]

He's had a big fright, and I have a lot of sympathy for him. Having a young family changes things.

Dirty stoppers are lethal (though I know the pony is now being checked out). Maybe agree not to ride, or at least jump, this pony again, but keep your options open re jumping if a safer mount is available.

 

[Clodagh]

Part of the reason I no longer ride is my husband's total anti ness. I did ride for many years, and hunted hard, and he did look after the children when I had broken limbs but it was more difficult. Then, when one fall too many really knocked my confidence he was the opposite of supportive, although he never formally requested that I stop. It just gradually tapered off, helped by not liking the modern hunt follower, no longer being able to afford the time or money and not seeing the point in just hacking.

In your shoes - I would let it all calm down and then reach some compromise when you are repaired. I wouldn't give up jumping.

 

[Theocat]

He's had a big fright, and I have a lot of sympathy for him. Having a young family changes things.

Dirty stoppers are lethal (though I know the pony is now being checked out). Maybe agree not to ride, or at least jump, this pony again, but keep your options open re jumping if a safer mount is available.

This.

He loves you, and you have young children together. You have been injured doing something he probably doesn't understand, but it is a fact that there is a risk it will happen again if you jump again.

This isn't emotional blackmail; it's a man who loves you scared you'll get hurt. Wait a while and reintroduce the topic later.

 

[Greylegs]

This is a tough one. You could argue that it's your life so you ought to be able to life it as you wish. But sometimes you have to compromise and consider other factors. How old are your kids?

My previous horse was a big moving (and jumping!) warmblood. Hubby agreed that I could buy her on the single condition that I didn't jump fixed fences, although he grudgingly agreed that show jump type jumps (that knock down if hit) were OK, and I agreed to that. His reasoning was based on him reading a report (in H&H ironically) of someone who had been killed in a nasty rotational fall whilst doing X country. The report was illustrated with a picture - not of the actual accident, but of someone suffering such a fall - which scared the %^&$ out of him...... all very graphic and upsetting (to someone who has never sat on a horse in his life).

I agreed to his condition and never did jump fixed fences on my girl. OP, maybe your hubby might agree to something similar as a compromise to keep the peace for now and you can get him used to the idea of X country again when you're mended and he feels a bit more confident. But, at the end of the day, you could get knocked down by a bus tomorrow whilst walking along a street.


ETA .... I now have a lovely highland .... we don't do jumping at all and it's fine.

 

[Durhamchance]

Thank you everyone, I rode as a child/ teenager, but haven't ridden much in the time we've been together. I lost a lot of weight recently and got back into riding earlier this year. I was having weekly lessons when I met my friend as she was advertising for a rider. It's only over the last few months that I've been taking things more seriously, riding several times a week, going to clinics and now competitions.
He's always known that I'm 'horsey' and even had a lesson once himself, but I wasn't riding when we had children.

I think the suggestion that I leave it for now is a good one. Once I'm fixed I'll go back to schooling and hacking and by then the weather/light will be against us anyway. We don't have a school at the yard, so once the ground is too wet we can't jump in the field anymore.

He did mention that if I well and truly break myself, our whole lifestyle would change as he works very hard for a good wage that keeps us comfortable. I do work, but only part time, until the children are much older my main job is too care for them.

 

[ester]

Well there is a hell of a lot of risks, I couldn't stop doing something I enjoyed though, especially not for a broken finger. My Mum stopped riding while she had us (not really for safety reasons) and I really wish she hadn't and she had lost a lot of the bottle she had had once we were grown.

Would you stop him buying a motorbike for his commute to work if it was something he really wanted to do?

My main thought is where does it stop? horse riding itself comes with inherent risks so should you then be doing it at all if we are going to say his argument stands? IMO you cannot do everything you love doing, while you are loving doing it both for your own well being (which will also affect your children) and you shouldn't put it off to the never never either.

 

[Durhamchance]

They are four and two x

 

[MuddyMonster]

I agree with Tiddlypom, he's had a fright and if he's not horsey, he might really be quite shaken up by it. I can understand why he's feeling how he is (particularly with a young family) & don't necessarily think he's being controlling.

I think you need to try to find a compromise. Would he be happier with showjumping be for example as the risks are not generally as high? Would a BP help in his view? Or an air jacket?

ETA: if you haven't always ridden a lot whilst with him, it makes more sense how he feels.

 

[Translationsneeded]

Hi
I had a really nasty (broken bones) fall earlier this year whilst jumping and hubby was worried about me jumping again.
We compromised by me always wearing a back protector and an air jacket at all times (I was wearing the air jacket but still got hurt). I sometimes feel a bit silly wearing them when I'm plodding out / round the school but it was a good compromise and he's happy.
He's had a scare so his reaction is understandable.

 

[Bubblewrap]

Your children are very young and need you at the moment, that won't be the case forever, if your husband works hard and brings in the majority of the wages I don't think he is being unfair at all, marriage and raising children is a partnership and having young dependant children and one of you is ill or injured, everything becomes much more complicated.

Speaking as an older rider, with grown up children there will be plenty of time when they are older. He's not asking you to give up riding, he's seen the reality of when things go wrong!
Why don't you look at doing dressage or Le Trec?
x

 

[Kezzabell2]

Divorce him!! hahah only joking!! I'm sure he's just worried that something worse might happen!! but my friend had a much worse accident, by falling down the stairs!! so you can't be wrapped up in cotton wool all your life!

 

[conniegirl]

I ride young horse, I ride problem horse and Ive taken crashing falls from both.
My worst injury was from falling down the stairs at home, 10 months out of action so far and still on going.

Don't give up what you love but you do need to give him some time and then revisit it later.

 

[Follysmum]

I can sort of see his concerns but tbh you could of hurt yourself just crossing the road . I had a bad xc accident on a real handful of a horse when my daughter was 6mths old and I had to crawl up and down the stairs and was on crutches for a year, it did make me think a little bit more about riding loony horses but I did carry on when recovered .

 

[conniegirl]

Your children are very young and need you at the moment, that won't be the case forever, if your husband works hard and brings in the majority of the wages I don't think he is being unfair at all, marriage and raising children is a partnership and having young dependant children and one of you is ill or injured, everything becomes much more
x

That's one hell of an assumption! Many women are now bringing in more money then thier male counterparts.
I personally earn nearly double what my husband earns, doesn't give me the right to tell him not to play with fire (his hobby is reenactment including blacksmith, musketeer or pikeman. With a musketeer he walks round with black powder strapped to him, firing a real black powder musket, for a pikeman he is essentially doing rugby scrums but with 20+ people, a lot less structure and 18ft wooden poles in the middle of it)

 

[ponies4ever]

I've had my mare 2 years and event her to be90 and jump up to 100. I've fallen off her twice once out hacking and once at a dressage competition! accidents can happen anywhere so in my mind the only way to avoid the risk is to stop entirely!

 

[Theocat]

That's one hell of an assumption! Many women are now bringing in more money then thier male counterparts.
I personally earn nearly double what my husband earns, doesn't give me the right to tell him not to play with fire (his hobby is reenactment including blacksmith, musketeer or pikeman. With a musketeer he walks round with black powder strapped to him, firing a real black powder musket, for a pikeman he is essentially doing rugby scrums but with 20+ people, a lot less structure and 18ft wooden poles in the middle of it)

Not an assumption in this case - OP clearly states it above

 

[Leo Walker]

That's one hell of an assumption! Many women are now bringing in more money then thier male counterparts.

The OP clearly stated that he earns much more than her, so its not an assumption.

 

[Red-1]

That's one hell of an assumption! Many women are now bringing in more money then thier male counterparts.

OP did give this as fact earlier.

I think there has to be some compromise. It sounds like he was being supportive, or else he would not have been there to see/hear the incident at the time. If you had just come home with a strapped finger it would have been less scary for him.

If it were me I would agree that it was scary. I would agree to think about the risks involved. This will make him feel more secure.

I would indeed look at the risks, like having the checks done, re-evaluating the schooling etc. It may be that you would be safer with your own horse, where you can buy one with some experience and be in charge of the training etc entirely. This is how I got my first eventer, I was doing a day a week at a pro yard riding all sorts, and had some falls. OH decided that having my own horse would be safer. It was.

As for the motorbike, I do hate him riding his, and was not at all surprised the day he called to tell me he had been run off a roundabout by a geriatric driver in a brand new car. He injured his ankle. Luckily I could see sense that he had watched while I have had a few injuries, and he carried on riding his bike for pleasure and on a local commute to work. I did 'ban' him from commuting on the bike down the A1 though. He agreed. In return he has 'banned' me from riding in high winds on occasion. Give and take.

 

[asmp]

Get him to buy you an air jacket for your birthday/Xmas present. That's what my friend's husband did when she had a bad fall. (She was actually out hacking and a rabbit warren collapsed under the horse, horse fell on top of her)

 

[Abi90]

The two worst falls I've ever had were on the flat. I understand his concern, I fell off and broke my collarbone and severe concussion recently and my husband was not happy but he jumps out of planes for a living so I don't feel like he can say anything

 

[ycbm]

You could fall downstairs. You could be run down by a bus. You could have a car crash. You could fall off on the flat. All true.

But the risk of jumping fixed fences is additional to those risks, not instead of them.

I can see exactly where your husband is coming from. You have tiny children and he thinks that they and he need you not to add a very high risk activity to your life.

I tend towards his view, since you took it up since having the kids. But I do understand how addictive it is and how hard it would be to give it up.

Let us know how things pan out?

 

[Durhamchance]

I really do appreciate all of the replies, and it's given me plenty to consider. I don't think he's being unfair and totally agree with some of his statements. I was wearing my bp, but I think an air jacket is definitely something to invest in.

I will update in a few weeks once I'm back on board.