iknowmyvalue
Well-Known Member
I'll just say that this is probably going to be a long one, so I apologise in advance...
I'll start with a bit of background on this whole situation. Up until last April, I was happily competing Rosie at BE90, and having successfully done some unaffiliated 1m stuff, and training over novice level, was planning to step us up to BE100 later in the season. I'd happily have a go at most fences, and other than the normal little bit of nerves when trying something a bit scarier or bigger, no real issues. Rosie loved XC, was super bold, heart of a lion, scope to burn, never stopped, was always a really clean jumper XC. Now this is where everything goes wrong. We were doing a BE90 run in April, and had a freak accident on the XC course. Came down to one of the fences (it wasn't especially big, wide or technical) in a good forward rhythm, like we'd had round the whole course so far, pushed for the slightly longer stride (R preferred a long spot), R hesitated momentarily, not like she was going to stop, just like when they put in that extra half stride, we flipped over the fence in a full rotational fall. I've been over that memory so many times in my head and still can't work out exactly what caused it, whether she slipped, we had too much momentum or she just left a leg. I was thrown clear and walked away a bit bruised but basically unhurt. R was gone before the vet even got to her, she died in my arms. Vet said she either broke her neck or had a massive brain haemorrhage from the trauma, we didn't need to know which it was clearly the fall that caused it either way. Everyone who saw it, and everyone I've talked to about it since, has said that it wasn't hers or my fault, and it was just a tragic accident (aka. it wasn't bad riding, or a horse who was unprepared or out of control or anything like that) and that the chances of a fall at that level being fatal to the horse are extremely slim. I also know that eventing can be dangerous and occasionally these things happen, even if we wish they wouldn't. She was my absolute world, my best friend, and my absolute horse of a lifetime.
Now the problem is that while I still wouldn't class myself as a nervous rider, jumping things XC (and also hunting, which I also loved before) now really scare me. All I can think about is what if it happens again? What if I have to lose my horse all over again? And I can just see it happening in my head over and over. But I WANT to do it. I could easily just stick to dressage/SJ, nobody is pushing me to event again, but I miss eventing and I miss enjoying XC/hunting and I want to get back to being able to enjoy it again, even if it is at a lower level than before. As some of you have seen, I now have a lovely new horse who I bought about 4-5 months after I lost Rosie. I was riding in the meantime on friends horses, but found that I really wasn't happy without one of my own. Now riding other peoples horses, I did have some confidence issues, especially to start with, but I was able to overcome it to some extent and I did jump a few bigger (90/1mish) things on my instructors lovely ex point-to-point horse without too many issues. But I seem to have more problems when it's my own horse I'm riding. I'm not sure if that's because he's a bit green and I'm more worried he might make a mistake, or because he feels so different to what I'm used to or simply because he's my own so I'm even more worried about losing him (that sounds awful, but hopefully you know what I mean). I have taken him XC, and he's generally been fab, but as the fences start getting bigger/wider I'm having more and more issues. I'm scared to let him really go forwards to a fence, which I know inside he needs to and I'll get more problems by trying to hold him in too much than by letting him go that bit more forwards, and I have a tendency to chicken out at the last minute and drop him/pull him out, which also is going to cause problems I know. We aren't jumping anything huge, but I'd love to jump him round a 70/80cm ODE before the end of the season. I have actually jumped him some bigger things out hunting, because I gave myself no option by following the jumping group, I was bricking it (and crying) but we had no choice than to follow everyone else! He jumped beautifully, so I know it's not him! He's feeling great at the moment, but it's his rider who needs to sort herself out!
I have a few ideas of my own about what I need to do, but interested to see other suggestions. I think it's going to be a case of time and being scared and doing it anyway, because hopefully the more I do it and nothing goes wrong the more confident I'll get. But if anyone else has any suggestions or experiences, feel free to weigh in!
Tea and cake to anyone who made it the whole way through!
I'll start with a bit of background on this whole situation. Up until last April, I was happily competing Rosie at BE90, and having successfully done some unaffiliated 1m stuff, and training over novice level, was planning to step us up to BE100 later in the season. I'd happily have a go at most fences, and other than the normal little bit of nerves when trying something a bit scarier or bigger, no real issues. Rosie loved XC, was super bold, heart of a lion, scope to burn, never stopped, was always a really clean jumper XC. Now this is where everything goes wrong. We were doing a BE90 run in April, and had a freak accident on the XC course. Came down to one of the fences (it wasn't especially big, wide or technical) in a good forward rhythm, like we'd had round the whole course so far, pushed for the slightly longer stride (R preferred a long spot), R hesitated momentarily, not like she was going to stop, just like when they put in that extra half stride, we flipped over the fence in a full rotational fall. I've been over that memory so many times in my head and still can't work out exactly what caused it, whether she slipped, we had too much momentum or she just left a leg. I was thrown clear and walked away a bit bruised but basically unhurt. R was gone before the vet even got to her, she died in my arms. Vet said she either broke her neck or had a massive brain haemorrhage from the trauma, we didn't need to know which it was clearly the fall that caused it either way. Everyone who saw it, and everyone I've talked to about it since, has said that it wasn't hers or my fault, and it was just a tragic accident (aka. it wasn't bad riding, or a horse who was unprepared or out of control or anything like that) and that the chances of a fall at that level being fatal to the horse are extremely slim. I also know that eventing can be dangerous and occasionally these things happen, even if we wish they wouldn't. She was my absolute world, my best friend, and my absolute horse of a lifetime.
Now the problem is that while I still wouldn't class myself as a nervous rider, jumping things XC (and also hunting, which I also loved before) now really scare me. All I can think about is what if it happens again? What if I have to lose my horse all over again? And I can just see it happening in my head over and over. But I WANT to do it. I could easily just stick to dressage/SJ, nobody is pushing me to event again, but I miss eventing and I miss enjoying XC/hunting and I want to get back to being able to enjoy it again, even if it is at a lower level than before. As some of you have seen, I now have a lovely new horse who I bought about 4-5 months after I lost Rosie. I was riding in the meantime on friends horses, but found that I really wasn't happy without one of my own. Now riding other peoples horses, I did have some confidence issues, especially to start with, but I was able to overcome it to some extent and I did jump a few bigger (90/1mish) things on my instructors lovely ex point-to-point horse without too many issues. But I seem to have more problems when it's my own horse I'm riding. I'm not sure if that's because he's a bit green and I'm more worried he might make a mistake, or because he feels so different to what I'm used to or simply because he's my own so I'm even more worried about losing him (that sounds awful, but hopefully you know what I mean). I have taken him XC, and he's generally been fab, but as the fences start getting bigger/wider I'm having more and more issues. I'm scared to let him really go forwards to a fence, which I know inside he needs to and I'll get more problems by trying to hold him in too much than by letting him go that bit more forwards, and I have a tendency to chicken out at the last minute and drop him/pull him out, which also is going to cause problems I know. We aren't jumping anything huge, but I'd love to jump him round a 70/80cm ODE before the end of the season. I have actually jumped him some bigger things out hunting, because I gave myself no option by following the jumping group, I was bricking it (and crying) but we had no choice than to follow everyone else! He jumped beautifully, so I know it's not him! He's feeling great at the moment, but it's his rider who needs to sort herself out!
I have a few ideas of my own about what I need to do, but interested to see other suggestions. I think it's going to be a case of time and being scared and doing it anyway, because hopefully the more I do it and nothing goes wrong the more confident I'll get. But if anyone else has any suggestions or experiences, feel free to weigh in!
Tea and cake to anyone who made it the whole way through!
for now though I think you could get a lot of help from a sports psychologist as it does not sound as if you have talked things through with anyone professional and a sports specialist will understand the "want to do" that you are having at the moment. meanwhile please get out and do what jumping and dressage shows you can get to and perhaps just go xc schooling over baby fences rather than a xc event so that you can pick and choose what you jump so that you have good recent memories with your new horse towards the front of your mind for when you do go eventing again
Might be worth a look.
