Yard affecting my mental health!

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Giving_Up123

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I just need to get this off my chest, not sure what i expect from posting this but:

my yard is seriously affecting my mental health. I loved it there for my entire adult life but one person has changed the whole dynamic, she's made all of the nice liveries leave but none of them have told the YM this. I did leave but ended up moving back due to my new yard being too muddy with no option to bring horses in, but the people on that yard were absolutely amazing, i miss them all so much.

Since i've been back i find myself constantly crying. my horses are so happy and I cant afford to move them anywhere else. because i have multiple horses its impossible to find anywhere that could accommodate them.

horses are my entire life! I have nothing else! i literally work to be able to have them but the thought of going to see them every day is horrible.
 
You need to speak to yard owner. Can you meet in the evening or lunch off sight somewhere neutral like a pub or wine bar. You can relax more and she will not be in the YARD owner fame, more a friend. You need to do this and try record anything this person does or says. Tell her everything that happened with the others too, it would help if you can get a letter from one of the others to take along with you so not just hearsay.
 
It's hard to explain, and I'm scared people will know who I am.

I don't want to blame anyone but the tone from the top isn't being set right and its allowing this bully to continue with poor behaviour. Talking behind peoples back and creating clichés.
There's always someone in the firing line
 
Unfortunately I think we can look back on things with rose tinted glasses. I’m guilty of this, I moved back to the yard I’m at due to being there when I first got my horse and it was to me then, the best place on earth. The stark reality of it now is that it’s absolutely dreadful. Things change and people change sometimes not for the better. It’s now a money maker and the horses clearly aren’t at the YO’s best interests. What is the person doing?
 
Is there one or two left on the yard that you can talk to about it ? Just to test the water as to whether you are genuinely being isolated or whether others feel the same way ?

If the latter then it might be possible to have a conversation with the person creating the atmosphere and ask them what do they hope to achieve by the talking about people behind their back’s and generally making the place feel like you are back in school. Whilst not everyone needs to be best friends she is creating a hostile environment and that you are all adults with a shared love of horses and having a kind, respectful and supportive environment is not an unreasonable expectation.
 
You can talk to the YO about it. If it becomes evident that the YO doesn't want to do anything about it, then you'll have to make a decision. I think this is going to sound harsher than I intend, but your mental health is your responsibility.

I'd communicate with the YO, but technically they don't have to do anything. It's worth bringing up though, because you never know.

If the situation can't change you have to find a way to live with it, or move.

This is one of the many reasons that being on a livery yard can suck. I've been so fortunate as a livery over the years. I've been on great yards with good people.

I hope that you can find a resolution. It's unfortunate when everything is great, but there's that one rotten egg in the mix.
 
Welcome to the forum!

I joined HHO in a similar situation to you and the advise and support from the majority was amazing and I've stayed ever since. Like CC says you get a few bad eggs everywhere, and sometimes some people just have a bad day.

It difficult to give advise with little information, but I totally understand why you are worried about being identified at this time.

As the yard owner took you back after you moved away I'd assume you are respected/liked by the YO? That would be my first port of call. A message along the lines of 'I'm feeling low are we able to have a chat, I think there are a few things that I need to do to help myself but there is something I'd like to run past you' that way it doesn't seem like your bringing a problem to her door just asking her to help with part of a solution.

Have ALL your friends left? where have they gone? can you go on a list there? I'm not sure what facilities you need or can afford so again it's hard to judge.

Feel free to vent here or DM me if you like - I know exactly how it feels.
 
Echo above advice. If you can't change yards you have two options really. One is to ignore it and distance yourself from the yard politics. Stick headphones in and just get on with it. She might lose interest if you don't rise to it.

The other is to do something about it. Next time you catch her out being mean about someone else to you, explain straight away you are not interested in gossip and cut the conversation off. If she's mean to you could you politely tell her that you don't like the way she's acting towards you and could she please stop?. Record what happens and if she's still being a cow go to yo with evidence. Not gossip but actual things you have seen happening.

Or just go straight to the TM/YO. Don't be surprised if said stirrer has already been to them about it (bullies like to get in there first and pretend they're all innocent, leaving person responsible for sorting it out with one lot of words against another. ) It's better to have some kind of evidence or others on yard to support this.
 
I've been keeping myself distanced from them all and I did confront the trouble maker last year before I left and she outright lied to my face and tried to blame other liveries. she's was always on the phone to the ym constantly making complaints about other people, and rather than confronting us, the ym took her word for it! a couple of people got asked to leave, a horse was pts all because of this one person. when I left I told the ym that is what was happening but everyone else that has left since have just gone quietly.

but its recent events, where the ym hasn't added me into her group chat, since I've moved back and I wasn't worried but recently I've missed out on important messages about things being done on the yard. I've asked to be added to the group, but have been ignored.
a new livery asked her why i wasn't in the group, and she's told that new livery its because i fell out with the other person. this is totally untrue, I distanced myself from a trouble maker, but still said hello etc, but once I left she decided to unfriend me on socials, and clearly lied to other liveries about me, so that none of them will even look at me when I'm there! I know it could be worse but I really struggle with how i'm perceived, and i feel like i'm being treated like i've been the bully, but all i've ever done is help people. its heartbreaking to be treated this way for no reason.
 
I think it time to move on. I know you say it's difficult to find somewhere as you have multiple horses but your being treated as an outcast by the YM so stand little chance of being treated differently by the rest of the liveries.,YM is feeding the drama and bullying unfortunately.

Give us a rough idea of area and what facilities you require and someone on here might have an idea of somewhere that might fit the bill.

When I was in your situation I went round knocking doors of farmers asking to rent a field and leaving notes on empty field gates with my number. I eventually found somewhere, but I had no facilities (not even running water) and then made the best of it on my own. It wasn't the end goal but it gave me time to find the right place for me and gave me some head space and peace when I needed it.
 
I’ve read your update, and this seems to be a YM problem not a livery problem. Is the YM the owner or an employee? If the former you have little choice but to leave.

If the latter then you could escalate it.

Possibly you could speak to the person you perceive as the issue and say, “Look whatever our issue was in the past, then I am sorry if I got the wrong end of the stick, but can we start again. We both come down here to be with our horses and it would be good to get along”

Otherwise you either put up with it or move on. Out of interest why did you move back, knowing that you left not liking it.
 
You have 3 options:
1. Ignore their behaviour and carry on as normal (I appreciate that could be easier said than done)
2. Call them out on it
3. Move

Difficult to give specific advice unless you give more detail
 
Honestly, I think I’d move. I said on here the other day that there’s always one livery who upsets the balance and it’s her. I moved due to a livery being a real menace, she told the yo outrageous lies about me so I had no choice, then on my next yard, there was another who fortunately moved on.

If she’s made everyone turn against you, the ym hasn’t added you to the yard Whatsapp, I think you’re best off moving. I know it’s hard and a major pain. I’m sorry you’re in this situation.
 
Cinnamontoast said:
Honestly, I think I’d move. I said on here the other day that there’s always one livery who upsets the balance and it’s her. I moved due to a livery being a real menace, she told the yo outrageous lies about me so I had no choice, then on my next yard, there was another who fortunately moved on.

If she’s made everyone turn against you, the ym hasn’t added you to the yard Whatsapp, I think you’re best off moving. I know it’s hard and a major pain. I’m sorry you’re in this situation.
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You’re right, it’s amazing how one person can change the whole yard dynamic. If it’s making someone dread seeing their horses, that’s a big red flag. Hopefully, Given can find a more positive place soon, even if it’s temporary. Yard atmosphere really does make all the difference.
 
laurabound said:
You’re right, it’s amazing how one person can change the whole yard dynamic. If it’s making someone dread seeing their horses, that’s a big red flag. Hopefully, Given can find a more positive place soon, even if it’s temporary. Yard atmosphere really does make all the difference.
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This with bells on. I'm a month away from the yard I was at when I commented above in March, what a difference! I actually enjoy my horses now, I've got the spark back. My oldie has brightened up too. The whole atmosphere is just night and day. Looking back, the last yard was nothing short of a dictatorship with absolute toxicity driven by YO and one other livery in particular(both in cahoots). There were certain liveries that were 'under the thumb' and are nothing short of manipulated by them both, the usual constant tearing down of abilities to make them think they were no good and relied upon their mentoring/teaching to be able to do anything with their horses. That and constant can't can't, don't don't really wears you down, and I'm not against rules at all but when it comes to being told you can't school or hack your horse because of x, y and z and they're not doing anything to change the factors then it just becomes ridiculous. It's not worth it OP, move!
 
holeymoley said:
This with bells on. I'm a month away from the yard I was at when I commented above in March, what a difference! I actually enjoy my horses now, I've got the spark back. My oldie has brightened up too. The whole atmosphere is just night and day. Looking back, the last yard was nothing short of a dictatorship with absolute toxicity driven by YO and one other livery in particular(both in cahoots). There were certain liveries that were 'under the thumb' and are nothing short of manipulated by them both, the usual constant tearing down of abilities to make them think they were no good and relied upon their mentoring/teaching to be able to do anything with their horses. That and constant can't can't, don't don't really wears you down, and I'm not against rules at all but when it comes to being told you can't school or hack your horse because of x, y and z and they're not doing anything to change the factors then it just becomes ridiculous. It's not worth it OP, move!
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I've honestly been looking every since I've posted this post and there isn't anywhere that has the space for all of my horses :( - I had the physio out to my horses this week and she said that she knows a lady that is buying her own land, so their might her two spaces coming up on a yard she's currently at, which is 5-10 mins from where I am. so I could potentially put my retired one out on loan to a friend until i find somewhere else, or another space comes up! but we all know how long a house purchase will take!

I miss the olden days where we had working farms all around, and there were plenty of options! it seems that all of those places have been sold and built on now, and a lot of diy yards that still exist have very old farmers running them, so it makes me wonder how long they will be around for :(

i've even started thinking about selling up and moving up north to try and buy my own place (but I think thats more of a dream than anything, not sure work would let me work fully remote)

I can say nothing has improved since my post, in fact it feels worse. its been warm, so the bullies have been at the yard more! even got laughed at last weekend as I rode passed the two ring leaders! you'd think we were all in primary school the way they behave! I always just look away when I see them
 
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