Yard problems

[happyhorses103]

So, I have my horse just a 2 min walk (most convienient!) from my house at your average livery yard, however, im the only person there under 18, the other ladies are 35-70, so of course that comes with a few challenges! I always say hello to everyone and say the usual 'how are you's' and it pretty much just gets to that point, occasionally I'll have a longer chat with someone but I prefer to get my headphones in (most of the time they aren't playing anything, just stops people from constantly coming up to me for a chat when im trying to spend quality time with my special girl!) however im just not really happy there and sometimes dread going up! My mare has a few health complications which are monitored with my vet but somethings we do (rigging up a little less, or feeding not as much forage as we would like) tends to interest other people, usually with unhelpful remarks and public messages on the yard messaging group. I don't see why they cant just send me a private message instead of singing it loud and clear to everyone else on the yard.
Another thing, liveries come and go, pretty normal but its changed drastically since I first arrive, new people and combinations has just made the yard quite unpleasant! Gossip is the norm and sometimes people try to involve me. I would love love love to move however parents aren't keen on that at all as the current yard is only a 2 min walk and DIY meaning I can do all the jobs which I love to do also! YO likes to bury his head in the sand when problems come up and its just frustrating at this point.
I am desperately trying to make things work but im just not enjoying it and its such a shame. Any advice and kind words would be hugely appreciated.

Hope everyone is having a good day and my thoughts are out to everyone and all the animals and horses in Ukraine.

 

[Caol Ila]

Sometimes, it's right to move, and sometimes, you have to suck it. If you're living at home and don't yet drive, then you may have to deal until you get wheels or move. It doesn't drastic, like it's compromising your horse's health and welfare. It just sounds frustrating for you. I kept my horse on a livery yard that made me vaguely unhappy for about eight years. YO drove me crazy, and I only made one real friend there. I had different reasons for staying -- the horse was extremely quirky, and I could not find another yard within a sensible distance that suited her. But I constantly looked, hoping some day, the right one would appear. Either a new one opening, or an old one changing management (it was the latter).

On another note, my current yard has liveries ranging from 7-70, and everyone mixes together nicely, for the most part. Just because they are older doesn't mean you can't be friends with them.

 

[Lois Lame]

Sounds like a great yard in so many ways.

I think that if you move elsewhere, you might find the same sort of thing happening but with added complications: a lunatic yard owner or manager; a lunatic livery or two; conditions that don't suit your mare; conditions that don't suit your riding.

So, I think take this on as an exercise in learning how to deal with people you'd rather not deal with. (I'm still learning this myself. Been at it for decades.)

Could you let liveries know that you'd prefer private messages to public ones?

Gossip mongers (I love a good gossip myself but it's a failing. I admire people who want to steer clear)... gossip mongers can be given a smile and a nod and a "Well, I better get on with my grooming/tacking up/picking feet." And then just do that; scrape those feet out; ram that bodybrush down. I think even I would get the message that my thrilling news was unwanted.

I think you will end up being liked and respected. Of course there will be liveries who tut-tut. There's always a wheelbarrow full of those anywhere you go - or almost anywhere. I know one poster here on Horse and Hound loves her yard which is a very small yard, about 5 people. I think that would be rare.

Good luck going forward.

 

[spotty_pony]

I think it would be a shame to move if it works except for the gossiping. It’s hard being the younger one but we have all been there at some point. It might actually be best to involve yourself in conversations a little bit. Stamp a bit of authority and show you won’t stand for any nonsense. Avoid the gossipy ones and if there’s any social media groups for the yard, remove yourself from them and ask the yard owner to contact you directly if there is a problem. hope this helps

 

[Ratface]

I'm an old one. So is my horse. Our joint age is 107. I still ride him regularly, although much more sedately than in years gone by. Well, that's the plan. Sometimes my horse begs to differ . . .
YO is an immensely experienced person: kind and knowledgeable to all animals - variable towards people.
If s/he is having a "variable" (stomping around, hat over eyebrows, silent) day, I smile, wave and get on with grooming, picking out feet etc. I don't say anything until spoken to. I don't mind: horse is a far more pleasant conversationalist than a lot of people I know.

 

[Cinnamontoast]

The convenience of the proximity is huge, no travel time/costs. If the horse is settled, I’d be tempted to keep my head down and carry on.

 

[Flowerofthefen]

I wonder if the headphones make people think you don't want to engage with them? I know headphones can be very useful if there is someone you don't want to interact with but some of the older generation might see them as rude? With the cost of everything going up daily I would really try and work it out. I love having my horses a few mins away, brilliant if they are poorly and need checking on regularly and things like that.

 

[twobearsarthur]

I’m not sure how much experience you have on other yards. But there tends to be a typical types of livery yard users at every yard.

Please no one be offended!!!
The frazzled pony club/showing mum
The older lady who never got married and lives by her own rules - totally adores her horse and classical music that the horse gets to listen to.
The (what I call) whizzy teenagers who have no fear
The one who spends more time interested in what everyone else is doing rather than her own horse.
The dressage diva- usually middle aged with a rich husband.
The ex showjumper/eventer with more broken bones than he knows what to do with
And the happy hacker who lives in hi-viz

I’m sure I’ve missed some off but what I’m trying to say is the people you’ll meet tend to be pretty similar and finding a way to manage them of everything else on your yard (inc distance) is good is probably the way to go. You do right to wear your earphones, don’t get involved in the gossip etc…

 

[AntiPuck]

I wonder if the headphones make people think you don't want to engage with them? I know headphones can be very useful if there is someone you don't want to interact with but some of the older generation might see them as rude? With the cost of everything going up daily I would really try and work it out. I love having my horses a few mins away, brilliant if they are poorly and need checking on regularly and things like that.

I would agree, headphones are often used a "leave me alone" signal, so wearing them all of the time may be making people feel that you're trying to avoid them.

Maybe it's worth taking them off every now and then and having a little chat with people. Difficult if they keep trying to engage you in drama, though.

 

[meleeka]

When it comes to livery yards, the grass is rarely greener! They are all the same, some worse than others.

 

[LegOn]

I do agree that sometimes with livery yards the grass can always be greener so I wouldnt jump just yet but also, every yard is what you make it.

I understand that your horse might have special needs that other people dont understand but sometimes a small bit of education can go a long way and people seeing your distress/upset at the situation, rather than them presuming (headphones in) you are not bothered and detached from it, can elicit an empathy or sympathy response and soften the lines around what you think is bitching or giving out.

When people see things out of the norm, especially with horses, their immediate response is one of welfare - I think you could get more people onside and make the atmosphere more convivial towards you & your horse by giving people a little bit of information on what is going on, just every now and then. But then also when you say 'I'm really sorry I've just had a bad week and feel like me & my horse need some quiet time together just to relax' people tend to understand more and can relate.

People will always question or attack what they dont understand - help them understand, it will benefit you in the long run!

Also, sometimes this comes only from age, but accept the things you cant change - the yard seems ideal for you & your horse otherwise so just accept the people and how they all come and go is out of your control, then once you let that go - you will be happier about the situation! Honestly, a few deep breaths and concentrating on what IS important rather than focusing on what isnt important will do the world of good!

 

[smolmaus]

Gossip mongers (I love a good gossip myself but it's a failing. I admire people who want to steer clear)... gossip mongers can be given a smile and a nod and a "Well, I better get on with my grooming/tacking up/picking feet." And then just do that; scrape those feet out; ram that bodybrush down. I think even I would get the message that my thrilling news was unwanted.

I also love a gossip. It's a skill to engage but not take one side or the other but it usually keeps me out of anyone's bad books on either side. I don't want to judge, I just like to know things!

What everyone else is feeding is a constant circle of doubting eachother. A "oh yes I know, we would love to be doing (x,y,z whatever they are suggesting) but I did talk to the vet and she is doing really well on (a,b,c) so going to carry on for the moment". Just lie as much as you need to to make your life easier, it's only a very small sin.

It is not on you that they keep trying to involve you when you seem to have made it clear that you're not a chatty gossipy type, you don't HAVE to engage. They should respect the earbuds rule! Emergencies only! You're not at all in the wrong here and I do understand why you'd dread going up to be nattered at, but it does seem like a pity to give up on a yard that suits the horse for the sake of poor social skills which are very common everywhere.

 

[humblepie]

If you are trying something different with your mare health wise perhaps do a pre-emptive message to the others, explaining why and what. You shouldn't have to but may cut out some of the discussions.

 

[Cowpony]

If you don't talk to people how will they know what special regime your horse is on/ that they are under vet supervision? I make a point of telling as many people as I can if there is anything going on with my horse, so it stops the gossip and judging.

Re the age range on the yard, you can learn a lot from older/more experienced people, and many have great stories to tell. If you consider all older people to be boring, with nothing to offer, you'll miss out on a lot. I'm 60 and my sharer is 17. I know I'm never going to be the person she chooses to hang out with, but we talk about lots of stuff while we are doing things at the yard. I love hearing about which universities she is thinking about, and over the years I've taught her to clip, how to pick the right rug for the conditions etc, and I like to think she's learned a bit of equine knowledge from me. I've also taken her to shows because I have a lorry. Not saying you should be friendly with people for what you can get, but some of these older people may just be worth getting to know

I too would suggest hanging in there for a while. The clientele has already changed a lot and it will again. All it needs is one younger person you get on with to arrive, and you'll be loving it.

 

[Arzada]

If there aren't any advantages of being on the yard messaging group then I would remove myself. Most likely I wouldn't have been on it in the first place!

Being so close is great. One advantage being that you can easily pop in and out. Are you able to go at times which will avoid certain others?

 

[black and brown]

Given the rising cost of fuel it may be wise to stay put for now. A short walk to the yard would more than compensate for me the other issues at this particular time.

 

[Charley657]

I’m not sure how much experience you have on other yards. But there tends to be a typical types of livery yard users at every yard.

Please no one be offended!!!
The frazzled pony club/showing mum
The older lady who never got married and lives by her own rules - totally adores her horse and classical music that the horse gets to listen to.
The (what I call) whizzy teenagers who have no fear
The one who spends more time interested in what everyone else is doing rather than her own horse.
The dressage diva- usually middle aged with a rich husband.
The ex showjumper/eventer with more broken bones than he knows what to do with
And the happy hacker who lives in hi-viz

I’m sure I’ve missed some off but what I’m trying to say is the people you’ll meet tend to be pretty similar and finding a way to manage them of everything else on your yard (inc distance) is good is probably the way to go. You do right to wear your earphones, don’t get involved in the gossip etc…

You forgot the one who is too afraid to ride their showy SJ and spends their time putting down other liveries. They are usually on good terms with the staff though.

 

[Annagain]

I’m not sure how much experience you have on other yards. But there tends to be a typical types of livery yard users at every yard.

Please no one be offended!!!
The frazzled pony club/showing mum
The older lady who never got married and lives by her own rules - totally adores her horse and classical music that the horse gets to listen to.
The (what I call) whizzy teenagers who have no fear
The one who spends more time interested in what everyone else is doing rather than her own horse.
The dressage diva- usually middle aged with a rich husband.
The ex showjumper/eventer with more broken bones than he knows what to do with
And the happy hacker who lives in hi-viz

I’m sure I’ve missed some off but what I’m trying to say is the people you’ll meet tend to be pretty similar and finding a way to manage them of everything else on your yard (inc distance) is good is probably the way to go. You do right to wear your earphones, don’t get involved in the gossip etc…

I'm offended as you forgot me. The full time working, there really early / really late in inappropriate clothing, trying to fit everything in but giving up and not riding because you're too tired one.

OP - yards provide a great cross section of society. I arrived at my yard when I was 23 and was by far the youngest there. I'm now in my forties (and still one of the youngest there!). I've made some great friends there, the oldest is nearly 80, her daughter is there too and 10 years older than me. Age doesn't need to be a barrier. Make a bit of an effort to chat and you might find you actually want to chat after a while. As they're older and probably more experienced, they may well have some good advice for you too.

 

[Boots*McGruber]

It’s sounds to me like you are lacking confidence when it comes to getting to know new people. Echoing what others have said really but I think it’s worth you trying to “lean in” and talking to some of the sensible older people. Not only is it great preparation for your working life where you will come across all sorts of characters but older people can be more relaxing to be around as they tend to have got over the hang-ups and anxieties that goes with the territory when you’re younger. Not true of everyone of course but generally the older you get the fewer insecurities you have & the less you care what others think.

 

[cindars]

I'm an older livery (70 plus) and have always enjoyed young company,have been a shoulder to cry on in times of heartache get to know us were good fun really.