Accompanying to competitions - am I being unfair?

FestiveSpirit

FestiveSpirit

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My instructor is also my friend; she is on the same yard as me and is practically the only person who goes eventing apart from my feeble attempts
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So I have got into the habit of going with her to events to groom for her.

On Saturday she has 3 entered for an event, and I have just checked her section times to find that she will be doing dressage at around 9am
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When we have a 2 1/2 hour drive
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And she insists on getting there 2 hours before the dressage
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Am I being unfair to say I dont want to go? I sort of feel oblidged to go because I originally said I would, but it drives me mad that she can never be bothered to type the words "not early times please, thankyou" on her entry! I do, every time, and funnily enough it works and I get mid-day times
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I suspect that the answer is really that it depends how much of a friend I am.... but this is about the fourth time she has done this in the last three months, and I am getting a tad fed up of 5am starts when I am not even competing
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Sorry nearly put this in Soapbox but it is sort of horse related...
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depends if you work or not?

I have asked for early times at an event before as I was at work that evening (in pub) - I didnt get them. Doesnt always work!
 
Ha, ha no easy answer here. Is she riding 3 on the same day? If so she cant quite be as flexible as those of us with only 1 horse can be as times need to be split up.

At the end of the day if you dont want to go tell her today you cant make it (to give her plenty of warning) If I was her I would only want my 'unpaid' friend/helper to come if they actually wanted to come.
 
No I don't think you are being unfair.

Personally, if I were you, I'd feel obliged to go to this one now that I said I would, as 3 horses to deal with on her own would be rather tricky.

But I would tell said friend, that I would not be attending any more Events with her unless she asked for later times as I needed a rest!!

Or that I would let her know nearer the date of the Events when the times were published so that I could decide whether I wanted a 5am start.

It's a tricky one, If she does the same for you on other dates...
 
Why don't you just go under your own steam at a time that suits you? I sometimes groom for a friend but on my days off, I don't want to be up at the crack of dawn so I just turn up for the SJ when she needs me to do fences etc. Dressage, she can manage on her own usually!
 
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depends if you work or not?

I have asked for early times at an event before as I was at work that evening (in pub) - I didnt get them. Doesnt always work!

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I work full time for my sins
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Ha, ha no easy answer here. Is she riding 3 on the same day? If so she cant quite be as flexible as those of us with only 1 horse can be as times need to be split up.

At the end of the day if you dont want to go tell her today you cant make it (to give her plenty of warning) If I was her I would only want my 'unpaid' friend/helper to come if they actually wanted to come.

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Yes she has entered 2 in the BYEH so has to ride the 3 on the same day. I will try and speak to her later I think
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my rule of thumb is would she do they same for you???? If NOT you have your answer.......

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Nope she would not - she DOES help me when I go to events, but only if she has entered at the same event (which I think is fair enough)

If I enter an event which she doesnt want to go to, I know I will be going on my own - she has never offered to come along, and even when I mention to her about coming to local unaff stuff which I do she is always busy that day
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If it was me, I think I would go and help her at this one, unless you know she can easily find someone else to go along with her, but advise that you will only be able to help out in future if the times are more civilized!
 
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No I don't think you are being unfair.

Personally, if I were you, I'd feel obliged to go to this one now that I said I would, as 3 horses to deal with on her own would be rather tricky.

But I would tell said friend, that I would not be attending any more Events with her unless she asked for later times as I needed a rest!!

Or that I would let her know nearer the date of the Events when the times were published so that I could decide whether I wanted a 5am start.

It's a tricky one, If she does the same for you on other dates...

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I see your point exactly madhossy - I have tried to have this conversation with her already this season but I think I was too casual/joking/friendly about it? I am fed up of it now though, so I reckon M Keynes will be my last time
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Sorry, really whingy post when I think about it, but I just saw the times and thought 'OMG not AGAIN!' - as I have said in another reply, she would not do the same for me
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Like OP said above, if you have already said you would go to this one specifically, then you should really go, as not fair on leaving someone to deal with three horsies on own. However, you can always change your mind for next events!
 
Well if it cheers you up, Baydale and I will be at MK on sat too, as Baydale also has ponies in the YEH classes, so no doubt we can all look equally sleepy in good company
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But does she do other stuff for you? for example do you pay for your instruction

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OMG yes I always always pay for my instruction, and if I travel to an event with her then I pay diesel, buy her food when we are there etc
 
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Well if it cheers you up, Baydale and I will be at MK on sat too, as Baydale also has ponies in the YEH classes, so no doubt we can all look equally sleepy in good company
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LOL KatB
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I will be the one wandering around randomly learning my dressage tests for the next day
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i would feel obliged to go to this one as you have already said you would... after that i would only agree once you have seen the times
 
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If it was me, I think I would go and help her at this one, unless you know she can easily find someone else to go along with her, but advise that you will only be able to help out in future if the times are more civilized!

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I would do the same. When I first read your post, I thought 'OMG - that could be MY friend/instructor!'
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I have so many early starts! But I do the same for her, so it's not quite the same.

I would go this time, if it is short notice, in case she can't get anyone else. But in the future, make it clear that you can't/won't/don't want to do the really long days. Like someone else said, I would hate it if I thought my helper didn't want to be there
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I'd feel really guilty.
 
TBH i think SHE is being unfair! You pay for instruction, diesel, food when she helps you...and yet she expects you to always help whenever suits her for free?!?
Yes, if shes a friend and you want to help go, but you are more than at liberty also to say no if it doesn't suit. I would probs go this time as you said you would, but after that only go when you want to. If she wants guaranteed help at all time of day she should pay a groom!
 
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my rule of thumb is would she do they same for you???? If NOT you have your answer.......


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Nope she would not - she DOES help me when I go to events, but only if she has entered at the same event (which I think is fair enough)

If I enter an event which she doesnt want to go to, I know I will be going on my own - she has never offered to come along, and even when I mention to her about coming to local unaff stuff which I do she is always busy that day

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i think if you originally said yes, the best thing to do is go and HELP, but i would defo say that your not a early bird or wot about some FREE lessons - As if she wasa real friend she would do it inreturn or make it up with UNpaid favours, sorry she's taking 'the horsey peee'........

sorry but friendship or horsey favours SHOULD go either way...
 
I can see where your coming from because I would definately feel the same as you.

But, because she booked into this event with the knowledge that your helping her then I would feel obliged to go with her. Or tell her now to get someone else and if she cant then you'll do it.

Whilst your on your way to the event you need to be accertive and say in a nice way "sod this for a game of soldiers, your not up for early starts like this after getting up early all week for work, if she wants your help then she's going to have to request later times".

I know it doesnt always work but most of the time it does, BE organiser's are a helpful bunch that do try to accommodate peoples needs.
 
I did text her and say (jokingly) that I had seen her times and wasnt going - to which she replied 'you cant be a fair weather friend, you must come'
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I know the tone of text messages is easy to misinterpret though, so I am just not going to respond to that
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I have decided after thinking this over that I am just not going to go to competitions with her once I move yards (supposedly this weekend, but god only knows when I will get the time since I am dressaging on Sunday....) as it is just too much hassle
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To be perfectly honest you would do yourself more favours volunteering at the events, if you like going to events when you're not competing - at least you get fed and reduce the chances of being balloted when you are competing!
 
Can you not travel seperately? My friend helped me out at my last event and bless her she did the 2hr drive seperately to me because she needed to get home earlier than i could leave the event.
So I was happy as i had my groom for the day, and she was happy as she was free to come and leave at her own time.
 
Did you OFFER to help or are you OBLIGED to help? It makes a world of difference. Since you've already agreed to this one you're stuck with it, in my book, and it seems you accept this with as much grace as the prospect of rising in the dark can engender.
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BUT this is (like most things) a communication issue. You need to steel yourself to have a chat and perhaps codify your professional relationship a little more firmly. And like it or not, because you are paying her to teach you, it is professional even though you're friends the rest of the time. Just say you're finding it very tough to commit to her relying on you and you would feel better if you can tell her what you CAN do and then letting her sort out her schedule accordingly. These conversations are always tough to anticipate but almost always go much better than expected and clear the air.
 
sounds pretty one way to me.

i'd drive myself there later on to help. no way would i be getting up the yard at 5am or whatever to go with her if she didnt even return the favour ever to come to an event with me !!
 
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