Advice please- Teenager suddenly lost interest in horse. Can I help her get it back?

[StuckinCheshire]

I'd really like some advice from more experienced horse owners.

Over the last few weeks my 15 year old daughter has suddenly lost interest and doesn't want to ride or have lessons. She has had her horse for over 2 years. She is a lovely mare who whilst quite stubborn is a steady ride who loves a gallop and a jump.
I'm not sure if it is a bit of boredom going round the school or hacking out in the same area or she's got to a point where progressing to the next stage is going to take hard work and she can't be bothered. She's a natural rider so it's all been quite easy up to now.

I love this pony and how she benefits my daughter. Sometimes it's the only time she looks really happy and relaxed, other than with her friends. It's quality time we spend together at the yard so I'm loathe to throw it all away and get rid of the horse as she wants to at the moment. Riding is very therapeutic for her and coming into the tricky teenage phase I'm keen to continue with it.

My daughter is as stubborn as her horse and thinks this won't pass so she's a bit reluctant to do anything. I can't decide whether a programme of fun things to reignite the spark ( which I would say is getting her fitter for sale) or giving her a break and see if she misses it would work.

Has anyone or their child rediscovered a love for riding?

I'm also conscious that we've had a rubbish winter and spring and it's all felt like a bit of a chore up til now

Any ideas or thoughts would be most welcome

 

[Clodagh]

I wouldn’t push. I gave up riding at about 15 and my parents did sell my pony. A massive wake up call but I wouldn’t get up to do him in the morning and they said (rightly) he was too expensive and Dad wasn’t doing him every day.
If you are at a yard, does she have any friends there? Would she rather be there without you? I did not want to spend the day with my mum when I was 15.
Can you ride the pony?

 

[Abacus]

There are some interesting conflicts in what you say. She has lost interest and thinks this won't pass, and yet you say that the pony benefits your daughter, make her happy and relaxed, and is therapeutic. Are you sure that all of these things are true, because it doesn't sound as though she currently thinks so?

Totally appreciate that it may be the case that her feelings are temporary and it won't be good to do anything too hastily, at the same time I don't see much point in pushing.

I have a 14 year old son who rides maybe once per week, it used to be more but he just isn't that bothered. I accept that this is all he wants to do and am glad on the whole that he still rides a bit - he can always pick it up or give up entirely if he really wants to. Maybe you could encourage her just to keep going a little, make it as fun as possible, and hope that she rediscovers the joy? If you're prepared to keep the pony in the meantime.

 

[OrangeAndLemon]

What is the yard like? Does your daughter have other people her age there she can ride with?
Are there instructors on site?
Are there competitions she could work towards?

It sounds like she just isn't enjoying her time there as much as you are and a different yard may be a better fit for your daughter.

Have you considered getting a sharer? Not quite as drastic as selling but may help your daughter appreciate the horse if she sees someone else enjoying her.

 

[StuckinCheshire]

I have considered riding her but I haven't ridden for years and not that confident any more. She can spook occasionally in the school and be quite forward. Which my daughter loves.
She does have a friend there ( the only other child) but she's doing gcses at the moment and hardly ever around. Maybe when she's back it'll help.

I think you're right that she doesn't want to hang around with me all the time . Last summer she was spending hours at the yard on her own and I just can't see her doing that this year. I can't even get her to complete a 30 min lesson without huffing and puffing. I would happily leave her at the yard when there are others around.

She says she's not interested but then yesterday said she'll outgrow her horse and would like a TB instead!

I just don't know what to do to give it a final chance rather than selling up.

 

[StuckinCheshire]

There are some interesting conflicts in what you say. She has lost interest and thinks this won't pass, and yet you say that the pony benefits your daughter, make her happy and relaxed, and is therapeutic. Are you sure that all of these things are true, because it doesn't sound as though she currently thinks so?

Totally appreciate that it may be the case that her feelings are temporary and it won't be good to do anything too hastily, at the same time I don't see much point in pushing.

I have a 14 year old son who rides maybe once per week, it used to be more but he just isn't that bothered. I accept that this is all he wants to do and am glad on the whole that he still rides a bit - he can always pick it up or give up entirely if he really wants to. Maybe you could encourage her just to keep going a little, make it as fun as possible, and hope that she rediscovers the joy? If you're prepared to keep the pony in the meantime.

thanks for your response. I think it sounds conflicting because it's been so sudden. Last week she decided she didn't want to ride. We had a lesson booked in and for half of it she was smiling away as usual and then just dropped her head and couldn't be bothered. Previously, she'd come out of school all tense and after 10 minutes on the horse looked like a different girl.
She's adopted and her counsellor has said it is so vital for her wellbeing. I think that's why I'm keen to hold on to it. I'm prepared to keep the pony at the moment definitely.

 

[StuckinCheshire]

What is the yard like? Does your daughter have other people her age there she can ride with?
Are there instructors on site?
Are there competitions she could work towards?

It sounds like she just isn't enjoying her time there as much as you are and a different yard may be a better fit for your daughter.

Have you considered getting a sharer? Not quite as drastic as selling but may help your daughter appreciate the horse if she sees someone else enjoying her.

The yard is full of older people so that is a good point. You're right that I do enjoy our time there but I'm probably more bothered about what replaces her time if she isn't outside doing horsey things. I'll look into sharing as I think it would bother her.

 

[SEL]

I would find some fun things to do.

A friends daughter lost interest when covid struck and they couldn't go anywhere.

Any clinics, camps etc you could sign her up for? Fun rides?

 

[ROMANY 1959]

I’ve had ponies and horses all through my life , a gap here and there like when I travelled and married and had kids. Then my son at age 7 got interested,
I bought him his first horse, a small lorry, and he loved Polocrosse , going to tournaments, in summer, winter he wasn’t so keen, but we got a teenage girl to share. He progressed, bigger Polocrosse pony, I started carriage driving, with my big ID cross Gypsy vanere .
We had fun till he was 18, he got a serious GF, went to uni. Lost all interest, so I sold the lot, as my Husband was really sick with big C. I tried keeping it going with a sharer and freelance groom but it got too much. He really lost all interest . So sold up whole lot, bit fortuitous really, as the yard shut down months later and I couldn’t have coped moving horses kit, lorry carriage. He is now 25 , still no interest in horses.

Sometimes one just have to accept they lost the love of. It

 

[StuckinCheshire]

I would find some fun things to do.

A friends daughter lost interest when covid struck and they couldn't go anywhere.

Any clinics, camps etc you could sign her up for? Fun rides?

Yeah, there are lots of things round here. I'll have a chat tonight and she how she feels about giving it a go over summer. Thank you for your suggestions.

 

[Tiddlypom]

She’s a year 10 or a year 11? It’s exam season. I’d cut her some slack for now, it’s a stressful time of year.

 

[StuckinCheshire]

I’ve had ponies and horses all through my life , a gap here and there like when I travelled and married and had kids. Then my son at age 7 got interested,
I bought him his first horse, a small lorry, and he loved Polocrosse , going to tournaments, in summer, winter he wasn’t so keen, but we got a teenage girl to share. He progressed, bigger Polocrosse pony, I started carriage driving, with my big ID cross Gypsy vanere .
We had fun till he was 18, he got a serious GF, went to uni. Lost all interest, so I sold the lot, as my Husband was really sick with big C. I tried keeping it going with a sharer and freelance groom but it got too much. He really lost all interest . So sold up whole lot, bit fortuitous really, as the yard shut down months later and I couldn’t have coped moving horses kit, lorry carriage. He is now 25 , still no interest in horses.

Sometimes one just have to accept they lost the love of. It

Thanks for the reply. Hope your husband has recovered well. Sounds like your son had lots of fun. I might just need to get over it

 

[ester]

This isn’t that unusual at this age, I think sometimes it’s the point that people realise that it is stopping them being able to do stuff other people are.

My instructor always said girls got to 14 and either abandoned it completely or started working for her and it did seem to be true.

I’d take the pressure off now and just see how it goes, she’ll either miss it or not, you could also have a conversation about what she does/doesn’t want to do lessons wise etc.

 

[AppyLover1996]

When I was going through my exams a few years ago, I completely lost the love for anything horsey over the course of exam season - my parents even carted me to the doctors cause up until then I had been completely and utterly horse mad - turns out the stress and anxiety of exam season just really screwed with my mental health and once I did all my exams, I found that I wanted to do anything and everything horsey again

If it's possible, maybe go out for lunch somewhere or grab a coffee and try and have a chat with your daughter, explain that you've noticed some changes and that you are concerned about her not enjoying herself even though other times it seems like she's really enjoying herself and see if she'll open up to you and give you a definitive answer perhaps?

I'd say getting a sharer to keep the pony going for the mean time is a good idea - pony keeps fit so if your daughter wants to grab a ride she can do with no issues and it could have the added bonus of making her feel a bit jealous that someone else is having fun with her pony? A livery at the yard did this with her daughter and it worked a treat - even though the daughter cottoned onto the reasoning for the share rider in about 4 hours!

 

[Follysmum]

Just as we bought a new pony my daughter started to lose interest

19 years we still have the pony and she never got back into it

 

[honetpot]

Both my daughters rode from the age of four, did PC etc but a fifteen other things take over, school, friends and later working. As I rode I kept both their horses, but in your situation I would sell it. When I took their horses over I said it was my decision and not to feel guilty about not riding, and they would help me from time to time.
I think riding is a bit like learning to swim, its a fun skill that teaches you so much, but a hobby, and when you get older for most people other things take its place. Having teenage girls is enough of a war zone without having something else to fall out over. I would try and turning selling the horse in to a positive, like a saving for driving lessons and enjoy the time and the money you are not spending. If you do sell now is the best time, do not leave it until September.
Sorry not to sound positive about changing her attitude, but I feel really grateful that I spent so many years doing something we all enjoyed, I would have hated to have spent hours watching football, and as they are now adults its a happy memory for us all.

 

[Nonjumper]

To be fair, it's pretty common for mid teens to lose interest in horses. Some get it back others are happy to leave it behind. When I lost interest it was very sudden, one day I was thinking about what I was going to do with my horse next and the next day I literally couldn't be bothered with the whole thing. That was just over 20 years ago now, and my horsey escapades feel like a whole other life. It's only now, with my life fully established that I am thinking I wouldn't mind getting a horse again.

I would sit her down and ask her in all seriousness what she wishes to do. One option could be to turn the horse away for a couple of months and see if she stats to feel like getting back into riding once the summer holidays kick in. If at the end of the holidays she's still committed to stepping away, then sell up.

There isn't anything you can or indeed should do to make someone want to start riding again, that is a very personal choice and a matter for the individual to decide for themselves.

 

[starbucker]

Perhaps mental health if very out of character? I lost interest for about 10 years and now have a beautiful mare again once I was more 'solid' in life and career and was done partying and chasing after boys. If it was me Id give her the summer or til say august so theres still a fair buyers market to sell, its hard enough to balance horses when youre 100% feeling it never mind with college around the corner.

EDIT : could you look at getting a loaner to take some pressure off the daughter riding?

 

[KittenInTheTree]

As she's adopted, it could possibly be an attachment issue. Giving up a hobby that she enjoys could be her way of controlling her life, etc.

 

[AShetlandBitMeOnce]

I don't mean this to sound contentious, but as she's mentioned getting a TB, is she perhaps seeing lots of other teenagers with bigger/'flashier' horses and feeling inferior perhaps? Could be a conversation line worth exploring.

 

[maya2008]

Has she fallen out with someone at the yard? Was the instructor being critical and it just became too much? Would she enjoy riding if there were no lessons and just fun for a bit? Is it the horse? Is it too much of the same and it would help to go out and do some fun stuff?

 

[rextherobber]

I'd have lessons and take over the horse myself!

 

[Equi]

There could be a multitude of reasons she is wanting to give up. Some emotional some physical (as in can’t be bothered)

Have a real talk with her, ask her if she wants to really sell, then say okay but it’s your horse so you’re going to have to prep her and deal with all the buyers etc. The money can go into a bank account to be used in the future for a car.

 

[CobsaGooden]

Sounds to me like she wants a bigger/better horse? What does she have currently?
If this were me, I’d be getting a sharer and seeing how that goes and if ur makes her spark her interest again. If she does want a new horse, she needs to get her current one fit for sale first.
Maybe drop the lessons too if it’s a lot of pressure on her

 

[Gloi]

An awful lot of teenagers give up at about that age and move on to boys .

 

[paddy555]

my niece was like this, horses all her life. At 15 she wanted to jump, they bought her a suitable pony, new trailer etc etc, she was flying around Bicton. Then one day she didn't want to know and that was it. Discovered boys and was married a year later. (could still marry at 16 then)
Didn't come back to it. Just flipped a switch and that was it. Bye bye horses. Expensive exercise for her parents.

I think in a way people/kids who do that are lucky because it is a very expensive hobby to carry through into adulthood.

 

[Spotherisk]

Offer her a bit of fun with horses! Lessons in the school and hacking with just one friend sounds really boring, taking your horse on a riding holiday (or riding other horses) is way more fun. Is she in Pony Club?

 

[ycbm]

My horse mad friend has 3 daughters who were all on a pony before they could walk. Two of them gave up at about 15 and have barely sat on a horse since. The third is still out competing in her 40's as a mother herself. You can't make them what they aren't.

If probably try and loan the pony out for the summer and reevaluate in the autumn.
.

 

[Hannahgb]

Could you look at a sharer to take the pressure off her having to go up every day?

 

[ponynutz]

I was lucky enough that I hadn't moved off of ponies yet and my loss of (some) interest and big exams coincided with me growing out of pony. She's now a field ornament and I've regained my passion while at university. I was still expected to care for the horse though - in my family pets are for life and a responsibility you take on in a similar vein to a child: my dad doing everything while I worked out if I wanted to carry on simply wasn't an option. I'm grateful for that discipline now - missing that routine of looking after every day helped me regain my passion when I moved away from home.

So, yes, she may well regain her passion but it might be best to let her work it out for herself. Pop pony on full loan if you don't want to sell maybe?