Am I being unreasonable to sell daughters pony?

[Red-1]

I agree that you need to get out of this with no emotional baggage for your daughter.

If the pony was a companion, I would let it go back to being a companion. Job sorted!

 

[Ambers Echo]

I dont see why anyone thinks there needs to any baggage at all. It seems quite simple to me: its fine for daughter to have lost interest. But it's not fine to then insist pony stays anyway. Lots of kids like the idea of a pony far more than the reality of one! If pony can have an alternative job then that's perfect but either way it's now up to OP what to do with no obligation to keep pony if a companion role is not needed anymore. As far as I can tell she's never pushed her child into riding and child is not interested in grooming, fussing over pony from the ground either.

 

[Pearlsasinger]

Yes of course - I was the responsible adult! No one is suggesting 8 year olds are in sole charge! But my daughters were begging to keep the pony while at the same time refusing to care for or ride her. Expecting them to recognise that being able to have a pony is not a right but a privilege and that keeping one required them to take age appropriate responsibility for her was imo perfectly reasonable.

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Your situation was rather different from OP's. Her pony had NOT been bought specifically for her daughter (as yours had) but as a companion, so not the responsibility of the daughter at all.

I agree that having pets does help to teach children about responsibility, knowing that pets need to be fed, etc every day but you can't get a pet for one purpose, then decide that it is the child's responsibility to deal with it, even marginally. Another useful purpose of samm pets is to teach the child to understand and experience of death in the family. Ponies are a slightly different case, as in most normal cases the first pony is outgrown and moved on so that a bigger pony can take its place.

When moving any pet on, the adult has to be very careful about the messages that they send. I have known children whose dog has been given away, who worry that they will be next. I can't see any reason why OP's pony can't just go back to being a companion, which was its intended purpose.

 

[Hollychops]

If the RS doesnt seem the right one could you try a different one or different instructor? Or even give Pony Club a go? That may fire her enthusiasm or it might make you decision easier. Both my daughters rode when little, they had ponies for them (not me) and understood they had to look after them themselves. My eldest gave up at the age of 12, she enjoyed the social and riding side of it but not the looking after side. It was her decision to move up to bigger ponies and her decision to stop (but i would have made the decision for her if required), sometimes you have to for the childs best interests. My youngest is still mad keen and now works with horses.

I would suggest if the pony can be a companion, let him be one. If you daughter wants to ride then let her if poss, but dont ask the question as she may say yes as she doesnt offend you. If at the end of june/summer she hasnt shown any interest you have your answer.

Just dont beat yourself up over this. I have lost count of the interests my daughters have had, dancing, swimming, hockey, rugby, the money we spent on them, for them to give up after a short while. I am sure they were working their way through the whole sports spectrum!

 

[ycbm]

Jaffa I am confused. If the pony was bought as a companion, why would you sell it just because your daughter doesn't want to ride it?

 

[AnShanDan]

I've not read the other replies but fwiw, in my experience as a mum of 3 and pony club DC, the right pony is totally critical. I've lost count of the number of times I've seen kids put off by unsuitable (not crazy or bad but just not for that child) ponies.
I watch children riding week in week out and some of them are lucky enough to have ideal pony club type ponies and those are the children that get the most out of it. They progress so quickly and can relax and get the most out of their experiences.
Kids with slightly unpredictable, naughty, nappy, sugglish etc. ponies are on the back foot and it has such a massive impact.
I've seen children give up riding as a result of having the wrong pony, it happens all the time.
When my boys were little I spent a long time quietly looking for suitable ponies and ended up with 2 of the best, and most sought after, ponies in the area. Neither of them was stunningly beautiful but they were confidence givers with a bit of go about them. They both went on to numerous other kids and did the same job again for them, we used to joke I could have cloned them both many times over.

 

[Jaffa]

In answer to a few questions, circumstances have changed in the period since pony was purchased.

Companion duties were not required after 18 months sadly, but we kept the pony on.

As I said all riding has been instigated by her and she has never been pushed, I am disappointed the partnership hasn't gelled either through interest from her (I had hoped 12 months at the RS on bombproof ponies would give her the confidence as this is all pony has needed) or from lack of experience from pony but I was taking a gamble anyway due to ponies lack of experience.

We spend plenty of time together anyway in other pursuits so she wouldn't miss out on time with me.

Reading other posts on here has clarified my thoughts on either kids are into it or they aren't due to nerves or they just aren't interested - which is 100% fine.

We have done a few local parties (at my suggestion) which she has always enjoyed when there and pony has been good as gold. Walked round the ring or done LR dressage without batting an eyelid at many potential scary objects.

I'll leave it a month with no instigation from me and then if no mention from her then I have my answer. I think it would be different if we were on a busy yard with a school and other children but we aren't and that's not about to change as I don't want to leave my yard.

 

[ihatework]

Why not loan the pony to the RS?
Then she can have her lessons on it if she is interested, pony isn’t sold just living somewhere else and you then have that stepping stone to selling it down the line if needed

 

[Equine_Dream]

I dont see why anyone thinks there needs to any baggage at all. It seems quite simple to me: its fine for daughter to have lost interest. But it's not fine to then insist pony stays anyway. Lots of kids like the idea of a pony far more than the reality of one! If pony can have an alternative job then that's perfect but either way it's now up to OP what to do with no obligation to keep pony if a companion role is not needed anymore. As far as I can tell she's never pushed her child into riding and child is not interested in grooming, fussing over pony from the ground either.

Totally agree! OP it doesn't sound like she is interested. I would just sell the pony or put it out on loan.

 

[Jellymoon]

I really sympathise as I’m in a similar situation. It’s easy if your child shows either massive enthusiasm or zero interest, it’s the semi-interested ones that are hard to work out. I have semi-interested. She likes it if it’s with friends, or at pony club, but in between she never, ever asks to ride and shows little interest in the pony. She is only 7 though, so there’s a chance she might get interested as she gets older.

I wonder if I don’t do enough to encourage her, but I want it to come from her and not be something she forces herself to like because it pleases me. Then I see other families who are constantly taking their little ones to shows, hunting, endless pony club things, etc etc, and I think I should be doing that. But I’m not prepared to spend all my free time doing that with a child who is not that fussed anyway. I’d rather take her to something she really wants to do, like a play date with friends, or swimming, cycling, which given the choice, she’d probably opt for.

Also, I worry about the ethics around the danger element of riding. It’s one thing if your child is very passionate about it, you can’t and shouldn’t stop that. But how would I feel if something happened to her and I knew inside she was never all that keen and I had been pushing her into it? Maybe it’s best just to let it gently slide away and let them find a passion of their own elsewhere.

I have a sharer for the pony, so she is still used and I get some money for her upkeep, I’m very happy to keep her, so I guess I’ll just bimble along as we are, but once the pony is grown out of, she will need to show much more interest before I buy her another one.

 

[honetpot]

I think its very hard to hold any childs interest for any length of time, and if you are the parent its a chore for them. I know I was very lucky but we would go round the village after tea and just wander to the shop,chat to people or go round to a friends and play ponies in the back garden. Children doing things together make it interesting for themselves.
If depends if you want to teach you daughter to ride or just have a life skill. Both my daughters no longer ride but I think the skills it taught them has made them successful adults. I would try and find an older child to share, she will be far more impressed by them. I think even for adults riding is about 5% fun the rest is work.

 

[Tiddlypom]

The child isn’t keen, so sell or pass on the pony. At that age, I was pony mad keen and loved all the chores as well as the riding (still do, really).

I looked at it that certain out of school activities were essential, like swimming lessons (and my lads hated swimming with a passion at first), and other activities were not, like clarinet lessons which they tried and gave up.

We had an elderly pony on loan when the lads were small. His prime role was as a companion, but he was well up for occasional lead rein duties. The lads loved him but were never keen riders, so if I had only got him as a riding pony he would have gone back to the sanctuary, but he stayed on with us til the end of his days.

 

[Ellietotz]

How big is the pony? I'd get a confident little rider to bring the pony on and let your daughter watch. That may then inspire her to want to do the same because of having a bit of a competition.

 

[Sandstone1]

Just in my defence slightly, pony wasn't brought for her, I do have more sense than that.

Pony was purchased for companion duties but then this was just 'upgraded' to LR when she showed an interest.

So why do you now want to sell it because your daughter not interested. Im confused.

 

[TPO]

So why do you now want to sell it because your daughter not interested. Im confused.

OP replied above. Circumstances changed so that a companion is no longer required

 

[Sandstone1]

I see. Ive read it now. Sorry I missed it. I guess it depends if the pony is a family pet or there to be ridden. I wouldn't push a child in to riding.

 

[Jaffa]

I really sympathise as I’m in a similar situation. It’s easy if your child shows either massive enthusiasm or zero interest, it’s the semi-interested ones that are hard to work out. I have semi-interested. She likes it if it’s with friends, or at pony club, but in between she never, ever asks to ride and shows little interest in the pony. She is only 7 though, so there’s a chance she might get interested as she gets older.

I wonder if I don’t do enough to encourage her, but I want it to come from her and not be something she forces herself to like because it pleases me. Then I see other families who are constantly taking their little ones to shows, hunting, endless pony club things, etc etc, and I think I should be doing that. But I’m not prepared to spend all my free time doing that with a child who is not that fussed anyway. I’d rather take her to something she really wants to do, like a play date with friends, or swimming, cycling, which given the choice, she’d probably opt for.

Also, I worry about the ethics around the danger element of riding. It’s one thing if your child is very passionate about it, you can’t and shouldn’t stop that. But how would I feel if something happened to her and I knew inside she was never all that keen and I had been pushing her into it? Maybe it’s best just to let it gently slide away and let them find a passion of their own elsewhere.

I have a sharer for the pony, so she is still used and I get some money for her upkeep, I’m very happy to keep her, so I guess I’ll just bimble along as we are, but once the pony is grown out of, she will need to show much more interest before I buy her another one.

This is mine to a T!
She's semi interested, and like you say about the danger side, if something happened and its from me pushing it then 😳.

She rode this afternoon at a RS and seemed to have some fun, although this morning when I said it was time to get ready was met with a 'Nah.' but this is her answer to leaving the house to do anything 🙄. I've put an advert up for a share so we shall see what happens from that.

I've left riding lessons for now and we'll see how often (if!) she asks to go riding at all, if she does then we'll do some private ones as I think she's got 'stuck in a rut' and see how it progresses.

 

[Honey08]

I rhink my stepson wasnt that interested at that age. He got keener when we got him his next pony, who was a real superstar schoolmaster cob that took him to pc and was easy/fun and he could compete on.(he was about 12/13) His enthusiasm dipped again around the age of 15, and i actually thought he'd lost interest completely until he went to uni and got involved with the polo team. He seems to be completely hooked again. Funnily enough they have grooms and he doesnt have to do much of the work like he did at home!

 

[The-Bookworm]

Two years on the lead rein and not letting go of the strap in trot isn't nervous, it sounds terrified to me.

 

[Nasicus]

Not surprised she's not interested if she's spent two years on the lead rein (albeit at her own insistence), I'd be bored to tears myself. Add in the element of her being scared and it sounds like the poor girl associates the pony with fear and as such has distanced herself from it.

I would say you could try another instructor/riding school that is pretty clued up on helping scared and nervous riders gain some confidence (perhaps on a different pony that she might click with?), and it might spark a more genuine interest once she realises she can do more than just hang on for grim death whilst someone steers her around.
But, if she's genuinely not interested, then there's no point in forcing it. She may come back to it in the future, she may not. You'll probably get some tears if you do sell the pony, but they won't last long.

 

[Fruitcake]

Not surprised she's not interested if she's spent two years on the lead rein (albeit at her own insistence), I'd be bored to tears myself. Add in the element of her being scared and it sounds like the poor girl associates the pony with fear and as such has distanced herself from it.

I would say you could try another instructor/riding school that is pretty clued up on helping scared and nervous riders gain some confidence (perhaps on a different pony that she might click with?), and it might spark a more genuine interest once she realises she can do more than just hang on for grim death whilst someone steers her around.
But, if she's genuinely not interested, then there's no point in forcing it. She may come back to it in the future, she may not. You'll probably get some tears if you do sell the pony, but they won't last long.

To be fair, it doesn't sound like she's had 2 years of daily riding on the lead rein. OP said that, over the last two years, daughter had had the odd lesson, then a break and then fortnightly group lessons. If you add up the actual amount of riding this entails, it's probably only a few months-worth of regular riding and it's totally expected that she'd still be on lead rein.

As for the poster who mentioned never putting an 8-year-old on the lead rein, I'm a bit confused over how you could manage a beginner in trot in a group lesson without doing this as, surely, they shouldn't have the reins in trot until they're balanced. I suppose private lunge lessons could solve this but would probably be expensive.

OP, I don't think you're being unfair. If she's not really interested, she's old enough to understand that's OK but there's no point in keeping a pony for her.

 

[mcnaughty]

OP - please ignore everyone above who is being aggressive as there is absolutely no need! You and you alone know your daughter and what really interests her, however I would personally sack the riding school - 10 years old and still on the lead-rein after two years! Good god! For inspiration, why don't you take your daughter to affiliated junior jumping or an affiliated showing show and watch the riding pony classes. If anything is going to give her an incentive to ride properly it will be competition. Sell the pony though and if she shows an interest spend some decent money and get her something that she can have fun on that is well schooled and not sharp.

 

[Megan V1]

I would keep the pony but then I have never sold one yet but I wouldn't mention her riding at all I would let her ask. My son never showed much interest, I used to ask him every birthday and christmas if he wanted a pony, he always said no as he thought the work involved was more trouble than the joy of an hour or two's riding a week. He saw brushing, mucking out and general care as work and didn't enjoy doing it so no pony. If your daughter wants to ride I would make sure she does a share of the caring as well so she is under no illusion how much effort it takes to keep a pony and it's not all about riding. If a child is not prepared to care for a pony then shouldn't have the joy of riding it either.

 

[Jaffa]

Well here we are a month on and she has asked to ride twice, but then when the actual getting up and going out of the house is there I'm met with 'Nah'.

So pony is being sold, she's off for schooling for 6 weeks then will be sold after that.

I am being mean about it, but I know my daughter and I can keep putting her off asking to go to the yard for a while and eventually it will just drop. She devours all horse books, PONY magazine etc but I think horses themselves just frighten her, which is absolutely 100% fine.

She hasn't asked to go back to the riding school at all, my husband and I just left it and she hasn't mentioned it all although when she has brought it up she has said she likes going there. I'm not paying £35 each week though for more donkey rides.


Oh well - just means I can look for one for me then

 

[LaurenBay]

Get one for yourself Jajja

I think you are doing the right thing by selling the pony.

 

[Elf On A Shelf]

Get yourself a nice Fell pony! That was you can enjoy it and yet it is still small enough and genuinely nice ponies if your daughter ever does decide she wants to go for a pony ride! At least you don't have to pay £35 for that!

 

[Hollychops]

I think you have gone about this the sensible way. Buy one for yourself and your daughter may come back to riding in time and if she doesn't, its not the end of the world! All the more ponies/horses for the rest of us!!

 

[HEM]

Think you have done the right thing. There is nothing stopping your daughter picking up riding again if she wants to and I tend to think an older child that has begged for a pony will get a lot more joy from it that a younger one that has just been given it!

 

[SadKen]

Whenever I read about kids who aren't that bothered about horses, I revert to being the jealous 10 year old I once was, watching those kids not playing with the ponies their parents had bought for them, while I tolerated leading other kids round for hours in return for RS lessons (they let you lead other kids then, I'm old). I loathed those kids! The ones who weren't remotely interested were fine, albeit totally weird in my eyes!

Since then I've thought that if you really want kids to ride, the experience and easiness of the pony must increase as the enthusiasm of the kid decreases. If it's fun and easy, they'll do it. If it's scary and hard, they won't. But I'm not sure they are actually learning or enjoying it even a tenth as much as a kid like me who lived and breathed horses from day 1. Not saying they shouldn't do it - just asking whether there is any real value for what is an expensive hobby, when those kids might live and breathe something else if they found out what it was - and they're missing out by doing something they don't really enjoy instead.

OP I think you have done the right thing. I would imagine your daughter wants to have something in common with you (you're likely her idol) hence all the pony magazines and so on! would just suggest giving her some gentle hints that you're open to sharing other things that she wants to do - as I've no doubt you will.

 

[Floxie]

Since then I've thought that if you really want kids to ride, the experience and easiness of the pony must increase as the enthusiasm of the kid decreases. If it's fun and easy, they'll do it. If it's scary and hard, they won't. But I'm not sure they are actually learning or enjoying it even a tenth as much as a kid like me who lived and breathed horses from day 1. Not saying they shouldn't do it - just asking whether there is any real value for what is an expensive hobby, when those kids might live and breathe something else if they found out what it was - and they're missing out by doing something they don't really enjoy instead.

This is something I've wondered over often, watching my yard owner's (disinterested, spoiled for horses) kids. I was the child like you - in lessons since I was 4, DESPERATE for a pony - by the time I was in my late teens my parents were in a position where we could loan, and as the youngest child by quite a way this was met with some understandable sibling jealousy! But all though growing up I envied those kids who had been raised with ponies and went to Pony Club. I could not understand (and intensely disliked!) those who didn't appreciate what they had.

But I'm almost certain I'd have been one of those if it had all been handed to me from the get-go.

I don't have a solution - I don't think 'making kids wait' or earn their rides is the answer. I don't know what I'd do if I had children and was in a position to buy them a pony, because I genuinely do think that spoils the magic and drive for most kids - not all of them of course! But MANY that I've seen, and probably would have done the same for me. But then if I could buy my children a pony (and they were pony-mad) then I think I'd be a horror not to, just because I thought it would spoil them!

So it's a bloody good job I'm child-free and poor