Am I mean? Is there any thing else i could do?

[horseymummy]

Sorry but this is a very long story - About two months ago my dearest hubby told his friend that his daughters could come and help me with my ponies. I didnt really want any help but thought what the hell and didnt want to dissappoint the already excited girls. Anyway it turns out that hubby had told them that they could come as often as they liked and could ride the ponies. Again Its wasnt what I wanted but after assurances that they were both confident riders and had had private lessons for 4 years I decided that it shouldnt be a problem. So the girls came for every night for a week and just got used to being around the ponies, they groomed them and lead them from and to the fields etc - I did say after a week it was probably too much that they were coming every night for two hours so i cut it down to four evenings. They came the week after and started to ask if they could ride them, I did tell them they would need rider insurance and also need to help with things like poo picking. Insurance was very quickly sorted and girls were told they they could ride. This is where the cracks began to appear, one of the girls wouldnt poo pick because it was boring and followed me round asking if i could do that on a night when she wasnt coming because it was boring. This also happens when i fill haynets, do waters and muck out etc. I explained to her the need to to all jobs and that having ponies wasnt all about riding. Their riding ability is not at all confident, one is not too bad and has very soft hands (so the pony loves her) but doesnt always have control and the other one will not ride unless I lead her around (on a pony that only has one gear, you are lucky if you get him to trot) This means that whenever they ride I have to give my full attention. I said that she doesnt need leading as it is a very small paddock she is riding in and know that the pony wont do anything. I am fed up will walking around in circle for 45 minutes at a time.
I am at a point now that I dread them coming I cannot leave them around my poines whilst I do my chores as I dont think they are competant enough, I really want to tell them that they cant come anymore but I know they will be too upset. I did say that they need to cut down on the days again but they just keep coming. I just dont know what to do. I wish my bloody husband had never opened his mouth. Hubby isn't horsey or I would have made him do it.

 

[pogface]

Could you speak to their parents and explain? Maybe mum or dad could lead the girl? Give them the option of two nights or nothing? Be v strict and say no one steps foot on the yard unless they are willing to do all jobs... Offer husband out as baby sitter?
You are being lovely letting them have access to your ponies but if it's becoming a hinderance then you need to be honest.

 

[Irishbabygirl]

I think you need to be not so nice and just tell them parents its just not working for you - they can break the news to their girls. They'll get over it

 

[bitlessbill]

Maybe suggest that you can't afford the time to supervise them for 2 hours every night and they could just come once a week but no more.

Also you could say that they need to pay a contibution of £10 per day each as this is the usual sharers rate as ponies are very expensive to keep.

 

[BackRidingAgain]

Why not write their parents a letter putting pretty much what you've put above and cite a lack of time to support children who in your opinion still require supervision around your horses. Maybe suggest that they come once a week to see the horses if they want to, but that you haven't got the time to supervise their riding and horse management more often than that. Then their parents get to explain things to the kids.

Mind you if you do nothing I suspect that the visits would gradually tail off esp. as school is now back after the summer break.

 

[GLW]

Mean? I hope you're joking! You have been more than generous with your time and your ponies.

Non-horsey hubby obviously didn't realise what he was landing you in but it sounds like a nightmare to me!

I really think you need to bite the bullet and tell their parents that they can't come any more. If it helps you feel better, you could make up a little white lie as to why they can't come (although personally, I think honesty tends to be the best policy - as you can get caught out! - so I would probably just say that they are not really helping and in fact having them around is more time-consuming than dealing with your ponies alone). Yes, they will be upset, but they will get over it and when you ask some one for a favour you can't be too upset when they change their mind. You are basically offering free child care and riding lessons at the moment...

Good luck!

 

[FfionWinnie]

Hmm I'd say to the girls if ey don't do chores they don't do riding and also the one that needs led I'd say you will only lead her for 10 mins.

I'd also explain this to the parents and suggest they need to supervise the children while there. As it s they are getting a child minding service and they probably think you are getting loads out of it...

 

[ribbons]

Give your husband a good box round the ears and tell him that he does their share of poo picking etc until he sorts it out and restores your peace and tranquility to enjoy your own ponies.
Not that keen on kids, had you noticed.

 

[TrasaM]

My OH would probably do the same. It looked like I was going to be stuck with his very overweight 17year old son for two weeks in august And that I was to take him riding as he loved horses and knew how to ride as he'd had a few lessons aged 11. Sigh.. Happily for both of us he changed his mind. So I'm passing on the advice my lot gave me (after they'd stopped laughing) Speak to your OH and explain that much as you love his little girls that you are worried about something happening and you being blamed for it which in the long run will spoil your chances of all getting along happily. It'd be good if he could get involved and do the leading around himself then he can appreciate that it's not all about hugging ponies and that there is work involved. Same re poo picking ..get him to back you up. How old are they?

 

[Chestnut mare]

Soon be to dark and cold...u wont need to worry for much longer

 

[Meowy Catkin]

What I have discovered, is that parents honestly don't get how much attention, effort and time goes into letting their child groom, let alone ride your horse/pony. My eyes were opened recently when, like you, I was landed (by my mother ) into letting a child that I didn't know come and groom the horses. Anyhoo, afterwards, the child's mother said that the child could come and help me again. 'What help?' I thought, I have put myself out to make this happen, but she really believed that the child had done me a favour.

I have now decided to take the mean approach, unless I decide that it's OK. I have also made it clear to my mother that she can look after any children that want to pat the ponies in the future. Suddenly she wasn't so keen.

I don't know what to suggest, other than to be truthful and say that it isn't working out. Maybe give them the contact details to a good riding school? Also make it clear to hubby, that you don't want the situation repeated.

 

[Slightly Foxed]

Have you been CRB checked?? Should't be around children if not

 

[horseymummy]

Thanks everyone for your great thoughts and advice, I had been feeling very mean and so fed up of the situation that I am in.I kept thinking that I was just being grumpy and tried to make the best of it but Its got to the point that my little bit of heaven (my ponies) has turned into hell.

Non-horsey hubby obviously didn't realise what he was landing you in but it sounds like a nightmare to me!

I think Hubby thought that it would be a help and actually save me time.

Offer husband out as baby sitter?

Why on earth hadnt I thought of something like this - love it

 

[aradiagreen]

Oh god it sounds like a nightmare! I agree with everyone above. Tell them they can come twice a week but have to do chores if they want to ride. And their parents need to come and supervise or they can't ride...in fact you said it was your husband's friend's kids so let hubby tell his mate the situation. they're still welcome once or twice a week but must do chores & be supervised.

I keep my pony on a public common and we always have kids hanging around. Some are considerate...

Last saturday I went to catch my pony and met a man with his 2 daughters 'come to see the ponies'. One was 6, in her flip flops and the other was 8 and had had riding lessons before. I was leading my pony back to the gate when they stopped me and asked if they could stroke him. No problem. They chattered away for 10min, again, no problem. I left them and tied him up, groomed and was about to get riding when they reappeared and asked if they could help groom. Before I could reply they'd pounced on my brushes and started! The young one (in flipflops) kept walking round his back end, banging into his hind legs!!! I and her father kept telling her to leave space etc but were ignored. After 10min I said I had to go ride. I was riding bareback that day. The dad asked if the young one could sit on Ozzy 'as she's soon to start lessons'. I was annoyed he asked me in front of her as she got so excited. I should have said no at this point! He lifted her on but she got scared so was taken off. So I said goodbye and led Ozzy out onto the lane. Then the older one piped up 'but I want to ride him on the road' and I said she didn't have a hat but the dad joined in too! I gave in and he lifted her on and I spent 10min leading her up and down. She got off but now the younger one's stamping her feet and SHE wants to ride on the road! Again th dad joined in! So he lifted her on (I had to tell him to walk beside her and hold onto her leg!)and I walked her up and down. It was nearly all worth it to see the joy on her face and I remember being a pony-mad kid myself desperate for ANY ride. I think I'm finished when dad suddenly realises he hasn't got a pic so out comes the phone and ofcourse he had to get video footage too! And, you guessed it, then the older one has to get BACK ON so he could get pics of her too! In all this took well over half an hour and then I got caught out in a thunder storm on my ride in a t-shirt...cursing them all the time!

Moral of the story is...JUST SAY NO!

 

[horseymummy]

Have you been CRB checked?? Should't be around children if not

Yes I have to be for my job, other wise this would have been a good getout.

 

[stencilface]

I think this is only ok if they pay you the going rate for a babysitter as that's what they're essentially getting for 2 hours a night, the cheek of it!

Say they can ride, only after all the jobs have been one, if they don't like this, tell them to let their parents know that they can come and do the stable chores so their kids can ride bet they'll start stumping up the cash again for private lessons.

My OH would never dare offer my services like this, as he knows if he did he be red faced when I told him to back and retract his offer! I don't mind offering myself, but I would never commit myself to doing this x times a week, I have a life!!

 

[Godknows]

OP I think your OH needs to understand that when his friends children are there he needs to be there. Horsey or not he can lead the pony round and help them muck out and poo pick. He will then understand and explain to his friends that it is not working

 

[skint1]

You have been FAR from mean, I had a similar situation with my OH's nephew, only I was no where near as accommodating as you've been, I'd get a constant stream of texts and FB messages, feel guilty, go and get him and then he would just sit there like a lump not doing or saying anything, I felt terrible because I wanted to help him but at the same time it made a lot of extra work and driving and kind of spoiled my time with the horses. His mother whined a lot about the cost of horses (not that she ever paid for anything, my OH paid for him to have a few lessons, bought him wellies, found him a hat etc) or if he got dirty or got home later or earlier than I had thought we would. Neither of them ever once said thanks, or anything positive in fact. I managed to knock it on the head in the end by saying that he or his mother or some other member of OH's family with more leisure time than I had to put some effort into getting him to the yard.

 

[juliette]

Personally I would make it clear to the parents that they need to be there the whole time the kids are with you. I would also make them aware that the jobs must be done first and the kids are expected to do their share - one barrow of poo picked = 15 minutes riding etc.
Without meaning to be mean I think you have been far too kind to the kids and they don't appreciate what a HUGE favour you are doing them.
I used to ride out with a friend who had a child that rode her pony at the weekends. I stopped riding with her when the child was coming, my horse time is my me time. I don't want to spend it with a kid, overseeing their hack. I have kids of my own that I can spend time with, I don't choose to spend time with anyone elses kids - they simply are nowhere near as nice as mine!

 

[mirage]

You've been more than accommodating! I've had more people than I can count say to me that 'XXXX just loves ponies and has had riding lessons,could she come and ride yours?' Or even better,they moan about how expensive lessons are and want to come and ride mine for free.I have put a stop to it now by just telling people that they are not riding school ponies and that the land owner does not like people he doesn't know on his property,so,sorry they can't have a free ride.

Yes,lessons are expensive,but so is keeping ponies.I like to get on with my jobs without worrying about other people's kids getting in the way and possibly injured.

 

[Littlelegs]

I'm going to go against the grain & say it would be mean to suddenly stop them coming. Their parents & your husband are to blame, & to a certain extent you should have had firmer boundaries from the start. And I can sympathise that its not currently much fun for you. But, its really not the girls fault either. Not their fault your husband volunteered you, not their fault they aren't experienced enough to be left unsupervised, not their fault they don't yet understand the concept of the work & not the nervous ones fault she wants leading.
Imo what you need to do is set some rules, with both kids, parents & husband. Explain to the kids clearly that ponies have needs, no jobs done will result in no riding. The parents I would tell that until girls able to be left unsupervised, one of them must be present. And they must also learn from you how to lead her, thus freeing you up. And if the money isn't an issue, insist they have a private instructor out weekly for a lesson on yours. And tell husband he can do more housework, ironing etc seen as he is responsible for your lack of time.
While I am the first to make it clear to daughters friends parents I am not a free rs or childminding service I really don't mind making some kids day on my terms to play ponies occasionally. And some I take under my wing happily. Can't say it ever occurred to me to not want to have boyfriends child at the yard with me years ago, or to resent teaching her to ride. And when daughter was a baby I took a pony mad kid under my wing. Pony mad kid now a teen who I trust to house, horse, pet sit when we go away, & hack with my child, or babysit. My 'hindrance' is now very much a help.

 

[mandwhy]

Eek I think the parents need to understand that the kids are not doing you a favour and you are having to supervise them! Tell them they have to come next time and demonstrate what you are having to do, or just tell them the riding isn't good enough and they should go to a riding school or you are worried something might happen. Having to lead is ridiculous, and complaining about poo picking? They'd be out on their ear and told they obviously didn't understand what having a horse is about (well, in my dreams of not being a pushover). Glad I have a big horse, there's no question of kids getting on him!

 

[Penumbra]

Either your husband or the child's parents can be taught to lead, which I think would help the situation. They would also then be around to help supervise.

I also think it would be a good idea to get everything down in writing with the children's parents so they understand that they have to help out in return for riding. If they aren't willing to do this, perhaps the parents could make a token financial contribution?

I think it's fair to do this, as it seems they haven't been totally honest about their riding ability?

 

[Hippona]

Soon be to dark and cold...u wont need to worry for much longer

How true......my daughter thinks its child abuse if I make her do any yard chores in winter.....

 

[Wagtail]

OMG what a horrible situation! I completely sympathise with you. It would be driving me nuts! I had a livery here once who kept bringing her 6 year old daughter for lessons on her 14 hh pony (was elder sister's pony). Then she would just leave me to run up and down for an hour leading the girl and go off somewhere. Even though she was a paying livery and also paying me for a lesson, it became a real chore. I can't begin to imagine what it must be like doing it for free. I banned all children from the yard that were not accompanied and fully supervised by adults three years ago, and it was the best thing I ever did. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a child hater, I just don't enjoy mixing children with horses, unless they are very capable and supervised by other people. Far too busy to be a baby sitting service. For your sanity, you need to put a stop to this or it will hang over you like a black cloud every time you think about it. Really, it should be your husband who gets you out of it. Make him sort it out!

 

[cyberhorse]

Call it a day. Seriously it sounds like you are running a free riding school / babysitting service - totally unfair on you! It will do the kids no harm to learn that they don't get something for nothing and if they cared about the horses they would do all the jobs it takes to look after them. Either they pull their finger out and do the jobs without needing supervision or chasing up, or they go and pay a riding school for lessons. As others have said their parents need to be told of their attitude and actual riding ability to realise what you have giving in terms of your time and effort and understand why this can't reasonably continue.

 

[Holly Hocks]

You are being taken for granted. You are not a free child-minding service. If one of the children has an accident on your yard, do you have any third party insurance should one of the parents decide to sue? (sorry if this has been asked already, I just skim read the other replies). Just trying to think of get outs for you. You could always try telling the parents, that one of the ponies has exhibited some dangerous behaviour recently and you can't risk the children being around them in case something happens......good luck I hope you get it sorted soon!

 

[Equi]

Give the ponies some sugarbeet and sugar cubes, they might not want to come back then

 

[Copperpot]

I'm obviously very mean cos I'd end the arrangement now! Infact i'm so mean I would never have agreed in first place

 

[splashgirl45]

no you are not mean....kids need to learn that there will be no riding till all the jobs are done, if they dont want to do the jobs GOODBYEEEEE!!!! easy peasy......in my very long ago youth i helped at the riding school from 8am till 6 pm and SOMETIMES i got a free ride, prob about once a month.....it made me realise you dont get something for nothing, a very good lesson, and one these children need to learn!!!!