Anyone else just think they can't do this?

[Cedars]

Having a really bad day so I apologise in advance for how moany this will be. I have flu so am really rough.

We have four horses. One is mine, two are my OHs, and one is his mother's. I am a university student, doing a full time course training to be a teacher. My OH works very hard, 2hrs drive away from here. His mother is only here at weekends due to work. We are on our own yard with nobody else, so there is no extra help, just the three of us.

Because I am at university, my boyfriend obviously financially supports me, and he definitely has much more than his fair share of house bills. We split all the food costs, pet costs etc, its just things like the electrics and the gas that he pays. Because of this, I am aware that I will do more than my 'fair share' of the animals, in payment, so to speak.

His mother is interesting. She owns the yard, and we don't pay livery, so clearly we are very much indebted to her in that sense. However, she just doesn't do anything with her horse and it is getting to the point where I'm going to really lose my temper. Her husband is not at all horsey, so, I appreciate that one day a weekend (of the three they're here) she spends solely with him - thats fine by me. During the week though, I have her horse full time, with all the crapola that comes with that (literally...) so is it too much to expect that when she is here on the weekends, she actually does something? Take, for example, this weekend. She was here all day Friday - and all she did was sweep the yard, once. No mucking out, no poo picking (despite us asking her). Saturday she went out all day (as her 'nonhorsey day') - fine by me. Sunday, she always has two riding lessons. She literally (this is no exaggeration) turned up at 12pm for her lesson at 12.15pm, got on her horse, rode for an hour and got off. Then she did, to be fair to her, half arsedly help around the yard - but she went in for lunch (her house is on site, ours isn't, I wasn't invited in), did a grand total of a wheelbarrow worth of poo picking, held open some haynets. I did EVERYTHING else (my boyfriend was at work).

Then, yesterday evening, she told tales on me to my boyfriend (I am aware how young that sounds) saying that I hadn't even bothered get to the horses until 11am (I did - they had breakfast nets before I turned out later, but she wouldn't know this as she didn't get out of bed until 10am), and basically she'd be spying on my movements all weekend, telling my OH what I had and had not been doing. So my OH comes home with a temper on him yesterday, kicking off that he doesn't know the full picture about what I'm doing with his horses.

Today, I was meant to be going in to uni, but I didn't because his horse has a swollen leg. Fine, I thought, day off, sucks but not the end of the world. Started to poo pick (which hasn't been done all week because I've been on placement and I'm the only person who does any really) and didn't stop - 18 wheelbarrows I've done today. I'm ill and the ground is absolutely disasterous, clay soil so you might as well drag a stone through it rather than a wheelbarrow, but EIGHTEEN WHEELBARROWS.

Final straw was that OH came home from work, has gone absolutely nuts that there is still 2 wheelbarrows to do in the field, and he needs to fill up water buckets. That is IT, I've done everything else. Its his day off tomorrow, and he's kicking off because 'he'll have to do all the mucking out on his day off'.

Am I unreasonable to be thinking, I NEVER get time with my horse, I'm not allowed to ride any of their horses and mine is a baby, I had half hour with her this weekend when I sat on her and I'm being made to feel like I'm a devil for spending that time not mucking out. It feels like they both expect me to do everything, and that when they turn up on their days off everything should be done. Whereas I feel like actually, they wanted horses, their days off should be filled with doing the stuff that I do EVERY DAY!

Sat here in tears thinking, I just can't do this this winter. But I can't walk away either - because I'll lose my horse (who is in my OHs name) and I'll lose my OH because he's told me in no uncertain terms before that if I walk away from the horses, I can get out of the house and out of the relationship.

I know that the finances are difficult because I don't pay my way with bills/livery, but I feel like I definitely do the lion's share of the work and I just don't think I can do it any more.

Cookies if this makes sense to anyone.

xx

 

[Sheep]

Can't really offer any advice but it sounds like a really tough situation. I hope things improve for you soon.

 

[darkhorse123]

If its upsettign you that much leave and start to pay for your own livery ?

 

[Cedars]

With what horse, and with what money? My horse is in my boyfriends name, and I'm a full time student! And should I just walk out on my 5year relationship?

 

[Trot_On_Dressage]

Sounds like a tough situation for you.

Can you not talk to you OH about how you feel?

 

[PooJay]

that's awful!

Well, i know what i'd be refusing my other half cos "i'm waaaaay too tired" if he treated me like that.

Think that's pretty disgusting - if it were me, i'd have flipped already and more than likely exploded in a flurry of tears and screams at how much i had to do and how little time and enjoyment i got out of it. No advice really there except maybe it's time to say something and let your oh know how you're feeling?

Good luck whatever happens though!

 

[fatpiggy]

Do you actually want to spend a number more years with his mother looking over your shoulder all the time? He will invariably take her side in an arguement, I can guarantee that. They have both got you over a barrel in reality because "your" horse is basically his and his "there's the door" threat rather shows he seems to feel more for the horses than you. If you turn that around and think that if he said his dinner wasn't on the table in the evenings, he would chuck you out - would you stay???


I know what you mean about the poo-picking though. Our fields are supposed to be done by all the liveries, but the reality is through the summer I was taking a full barrow off every day before I went to work and the others did precisely nothing. Does my horse produce 7 barrows full a week. Um, no. My mother nags me about not getting any physio for my very dodgy back, but can't see that I'd undo all the good work the very next day. I might as well tear up £10 notes.

 

[La Fiaba]

You poor thing, sounds like you are in a really bad situation. Firstly, what do you mean by your horse is in your boyfriends name? Do you just mean on the passport? Or is it his horse and he loans it to you? Who bought the horse?

Secondly, just going by what you've written and having no other knowledge of you or your bf, I wouldn't want to be in either a relationship with a man who lost his temper with me over something like this OR financially dependant on him or his mother. I would get out of the situation asap.

However I don't know if this is a one off and you're just feeling like this because you're ill etc and things always seem worse. Hope things pick up for you.

 

[PooJay]

could you suggest a local youngster coming to do the stables once a week with the promise of a free ride?

I don't know how "good" your horses are but i know as a teenager i would've done anything to ride a horse for more than my 1 hour riding lesson.

Then you and your OH could maybe have a saturday off together and "mother" can spy on the potential teenager!

 

[MissMincePie&Brandy]

I think you sound lonely.

I know this feeling because I grew up on my parents farm, and we kept the horses at home. Myself, my brother and my dad were the riders of the family, but all the horsey chores were my responsibility (after the age of about 14). We had between 3 and 5 horses, and at times I felt very depressed and resentful with it all. I was almost thinking of giving up, but by the time I moved out of my parents place to move towards London for work and with my BF, I took two of my horses with me and put them on livery - and it was like a new beginning, the company was all that I was lacking. When there are others around you and you are having conversations whilst mucking out and making feeds etc, it really isn't as bad as being alone on a yard with 5 horses and no one else around, day in, day out. I guess I was lucky that the livery yard I went to was a nice one. I've been there 10 years now, and still love it.

Perhaps, if there is space you could get a livery in? You will have some company, and they might even help you a little?

 

[Wagtail]

I cannot believe they will not allow you to ride their horses?! Do they only trust you to be a skivvy?

You can look at it two ways. You are getting free livery in return for work and as you have no other way of earning, this is your only option and so grin and bear it until you get your degree and hopefully a job and then tell 'em where to go. If you see it as serving your purpose and not theirs then you will start to feel better about it.

Or

You can take the view that they are simply using you and have a free groom who does everything and also 'services' the boyfriend to boot! Sell your horse and leave.

I personally favour the first option. If it's any consolation, I do eight horses entirely on my own. They are on full livery and I also have two of my own. My OH does the muck picking though at weekends. But all eight horses are stabled 20 hours a day in winter and I poo pick the all weather turnout all by myself. OH only poo picks when they are in the fields all summer and part of the spring and autumn. I also do all the cleaning, washing and cooking for a family of four, but I don't have to study or work elsewhere. Just think how fit and healthy you will be? Nice and attractive for someone else should you decide to kick your OH into touch.

 

[Archangel]

Personally I hate things where I get something for free as the things you do in return often get a completely out of proportion to the original deal.

OK so you get free livery for 1 horse (say a value of £120 pcm equalling 15 hours of your time @£8ph) in return for looking after the mum's horse 5 days a week. Say 1 hour a day = 20+ hours a month. Now you are equal.

Your BF subsides you at the moment because you are training and you balance it out by doing his horses. All very good but again some boundaries. You cannot be beholden to someone over 'I pay the electric gas etc' for an unlimited amount of 'work in lieu'. Work out how much time you spend doing his horses and sit down with him to 'balance the books' with him. Again, he may pay the electric/gas/council tax etc but it is only your half that he is paying extra and this does not equal a free slave.

Value yourself properly, your time is worth money and you are contributing in kind. Set time aside for your own horse otherwise what is the point?

I sympathise with your feeling that you cannot do a whole winter of this. 18 wheelbarrows is too much, no wonder you flipped.

It is so hard, I once had free livery for my pony and the person expected me to be at their beck and call 24 hours a day in return!

Also with Mum looking over your shoulder and reporting back to her son is a bit toxic. Either he trusts you to do the horses or he does them himself. OK he works two hours away but that is not your problem really and doesn't entitle him to a free slave!

Sorry gone on a bit!

 

[Cedars]

I do talk to him - and all I get back is a load of 'well you don't pay for anything' 'i'm sending your horse back if you wont do mine' 'we wont be together if you wont do the horses' 'you're so ungrateful, my mother houses your horse for free'.

It upsets me as well because its like babysitting when his mother is on the yard. She has excuses for EVERYTHING, why she can't help. She's scared of my youngster (who literally is brain dead), she won't go in to their boxes (so wont muck out if their are horses in), she won't pick out her horses feet, she won't change rugs, she can't even bring her own fricking horse in to the field! Because she's 'scared'.

Cant stop crying tonight.

 

[Once was lost]

Take the horses out of the equation and you have an abusing relationship, he is controlling you and emotionally blackmailing you.
From what you say I can't see anything changing for the better but I do see it getting a whole lot worse.
Not the same but when I was younger I was controlled by somebody, she was the owner of the horses I cared for, rode, broke in, brought on, I did all the work every day for all 5 horses while she paid for them, most of the time but it was getting so I was having to pay more and more. She was using me I was young and emotionally fragile (My Dad had been ill and then died) and my bond with the horses is what kept me going, I knew that the situation was bad and I knew she was taking advantage but I felt that I just couldn't turn my back on the horses, I was very depressed and even started self harming, I couldn't see a way out as I was not willing to leave 'my' pony. An accident saved me in the end, didn't feel like that at the time mind, I suffered a very bed injury in a fall from 'my' pony, she didn't visit me once through my week in hospital having surgery, the only time I saw her again was when she came and dropping some of my things from the tack room (that she only gave me back due to the YO putting pressure on her) once I couldn't give her what she wanted she dropped me like a hot brick. It hurt like hell but my depression lifted once I was out of the situation, I was able to move on. I still miss those horses every single day and I am so sad I never got to say goodbye but I know now, 15 years down the line it was the saving and making of me.
You need to think about what you get out of this relationship, think about if you are staying because of your horse or because you love your partner and you want a future with him.
If you are staying for your horse then you have to either find away to keep him and leave (grass livery, loan), if you paid for him and you can prove that you paid for him then that shouldn't be a problem (ownership wise not costs of keep) but if you didn't pay for him, have no proof of purchase in your name then you have a problem and maybe, just maybe you are going to have to sacrifice the horse for your own future well being and happiness. I know it is the unthinkable, I know that you just can't imagine doing that and I know you feel that your heart would just break and there would be no future or happiness without your horse but I have to say, having been there that there is, I am not in a situation so far removed from where I was then and so much happier for it. You can do it, short term hell but tell me, can you look into the future and tell me how you will survive another 20-30 years like this?

 

[Sugarplum Furry]

Golly they really have got you dangling by a few strings haven't they? Financially, emotionally, and not to mention somewhere to live, and your horse. I can't believe the mother openly spies on you, that's not just rude....it's creepy. And the threats from your OH about losing your home and your/his horse if you walk, listen, with respect, are you sure this is the man for you? You sound like a lovely caring intelligent hard working woman and OH and his mother ought to be falling at your feet with gratitude for everything you do for them and the horses. Right now I think you should throw a sickie (well you HAVE got flu) crawl into bed for a couple of days and let them get on with it themselves.. In the long term it's time to set down a few ground rules,.....I know it will be hard, but you've got to initiate the change or your going to be their live in slave for a very long time, especially if you stay with your OH. Wishing you luck and hope you feel better soon.


Edited to say...((((((((((((BIG HUGS)))))))))))))

 

[Trot_On_Dressage]

I do talk to him - and all I get back is a load of 'well you don't pay for anything' 'i'm sending your horse back if you wont do mine' 'we wont be together if you wont do the horses' 'you're so ungrateful, my mother houses your horse for free'.

It upsets me as well because its like babysitting when his mother is on the yard. She has excuses for EVERYTHING, why she can't help. She's scared of my youngster (who literally is brain dead), she won't go in to their boxes (so wont muck out if their are horses in), she won't pick out her horses feet, she won't change rugs, she can't even bring her own fricking horse in to the field! Because she's 'scared'.

Cant stop crying tonight.

If he really uses those threats to you Cedars he is not worth your tears. I would not let anyone hold me to anything like that. if it means selling your horse as your OH owns him so be it. You said your horse was a baby, can you really be beholden to this man for what, the next 30 years or so just because you are frightened he will sell the horse. Get out of there and find someone nice who wont use threats to keep you there.

 

[SS.89]

Take the horses out of the equation and you have an abusing relationship, he is controlling you and emotionally blackmailing you.
From what you say I can't see anything changing for the better but I do see it getting a whole lot worse.

I'd ditto that .... I had a horse whilst I was full time at university but luckily I still had time for a part time job so was able to afford livery so I can't help in that situation :/
However .... I think somewhere in the equation someone is taking the P**S out of you I really hope you make the right decision and things improve for you !!

SS x

 

[Devonshire dumpling]

With what horse, and with what money? My horse is in my boyfriends name, and I'm a full time student! And should I just walk out on my 5year relationship?

I would! Do you realise what you are worth?? They just don't deserve you end of! x

 

[Devonshire dumpling]

I do talk to him - and all I get back is a load of 'well you don't pay for anything' 'i'm sending your horse back if you wont do mine' 'we wont be together if you wont do the horses' 'you're so ungrateful, my mother houses your horse for free'.

It upsets me as well because its like babysitting when his mother is on the yard. She has excuses for EVERYTHING, why she can't help. She's scared of my youngster (who literally is brain dead), she won't go in to their boxes (so wont muck out if their are horses in), she won't pick out her horses feet, she won't change rugs, she can't even bring her own fricking horse in to the field! Because she's 'scared'.

Cant stop crying tonight.[/QUOTe
Blimey I hadn't read this when I commented before, definately leave, there is someone somewhere who will treat you like a princess, life is too short! xx

 

[Cedars]

I am unbelievably lonely, because I never have any time for friends! Any time I would spend with friends gets a 'well you could have spent that time poo picking'.

The horse is in his name because shes 'on loan' from WHW - to him, because at the time I didn't have enough experience. She has always been all mine, he only needed a companion and when we took on a youngster it was assumed she would be mine and thats how is it (I pay for everything for her, shes mine) except in name. So, he COULD send her back if he wanted.

xxx

 

[JingleTingle]

To be quite frank, this sounds like a sort of upstairs downstairs set up, and you sound VERY much the downstairs part of things.

You haven't been in a relationship with this cretin for 5 years - you have been in 'service' (in more ways than one) to his family.

Doesn't sound like you own your horse at all - just a little crumb or two that the cretin has thrown to you from his overflowing platter to keep you in loyal and unending servitude.

Walk away, quickly and purposefully. Don't look back, weep a little for what you thought you had (but in truth had nothing) and then move on with your life. In no time at all you can really own your own horse, keep it where ever you choose, but hopefully in the company of like minded young people of your own age.

Let Miss Haversham and her sprog rot away in their own pile of horse poo as you ride off happily into the sunset.

 

[Cadfael&Coffee]

I'm a full time student, I work and I pay for myself and my horse. It is doable!!!!

 

[skydancer]

I do talk to him - and all I get back is a load of 'well you don't pay for anything' 'i'm sending your horse back if you wont do mine' 'we wont be together if you wont do the horses' 'you're so ungrateful, my mother houses your horse for free'.

It upsets me as well because its like babysitting when his mother is on the yard. She has excuses for EVERYTHING, why she can't help. She's scared of my youngster (who literally is brain dead), she won't go in to their boxes (so wont muck out if their are horses in), she won't pick out her horses feet, she won't change rugs, she can't even bring her own fricking horse in to the field! Because she's 'scared'.

Cant stop crying tonight.

These people are nothing but bullies - for your OH to show you the door when something is not to his liking is both manipulative and abusive. If you have somewhere else to go - then go, you will be able to get your "own" horse when you have finished uni. The mother in law sounds like my mother in law a control freak and whatever you do or no matter how much you work she will never be happy!Now, stop crying and dry your eyes they are really not worth it and know that whatever you decide you are the better person xxxxxxx

 

[Cadfael&Coffee]

Forgo to add- personally, from what you've said here I would walk away.

Tough to walk away from the horse I'll admit, but if it's in his name I'm afraid there isn't anything you can do about it.

This is why ALL my animals will always be in MY name alone I'm afraid- noone can take them away!

 

[ridefast]

If he's serious, take him up on it and leave. Is there a ring on your finger? I would have though after 5 years things would be in a good state, you shouldn't be his slave. You may have to take the risk of leaving your horse, but do you really want to stay in this situation?

 

[darkhorse123]

With what horse, and with what money? My horse is in my boyfriends name, and I'm a full time student! And should I just walk out on my 5year relationship?

After reading the rest of your replies - yes.

I do not mean to be harsh but after 5 years things are unlikeley to improve and they are treatign you like a slave - they know you are "beholden" to them.

Have you spoke to your parents about this?

Do you really want ot be in this position in 5 years time?

Cut your losses and walk out. If you are studyng now you will be able to afford your own horse in no time and not be beholden to anyone.

In the meantime look for a share - if you were near me you coudl share my lad.

They sound like horrible bullies - well mum does and her son sounds like a right little chicken sh** mummys boy

 

[ghost&secret]

Take the horses out of the equation and you have an abusing relationship, he is controlling you and emotionally blackmailing you.
From what you say I can't see anything changing for the better but I do see it getting a whole lot worse.
Not the same but when I was younger I was controlled by somebody, she was the owner of the horses I cared for, rode, broke in, brought on, I did all the work every day for all 5 horses while she paid for them, most of the time but it was getting so I was having to pay more and more. She was using me I was young and emotionally fragile (My Dad had been ill and then died) and my bond with the horses is what kept me going, I knew that the situation was bad and I knew she was taking advantage but I felt that I just couldn't turn my back on the horses, I was very depressed and even started self harming, I couldn't see a way out as I was not willing to leave 'my' pony. An accident saved me in the end, didn't feel like that at the time mind, I suffered a very bed injury in a fall from 'my' pony, she didn't visit me once through my week in hospital having surgery, the only time I saw her again was when she came and dropping some of my things from the tack room (that she only gave me back due to the YO putting pressure on her) once I couldn't give her what she wanted she dropped me like a hot brick. It hurt like hell but my depression lifted once I was out of the situation, I was able to move on. I still miss those horses every single day and I am so sad I never got to say goodbye but I know now, 15 years down the line it was the saving and making of me.
You need to think about what you get out of this relationship, think about if you are staying because of your horse or because you love your partner and you want a future with him.
If you are staying for your horse then you have to either find away to keep him and leave (grass livery, loan), if you paid for him and you can prove that you paid for him then that shouldn't be a problem (ownership wise not costs of keep) but if you didn't pay for him, have no proof of purchase in your name then you have a problem and maybe, just maybe you are going to have to sacrifice the horse for your own future well being and happiness. I know it is the unthinkable, I know that you just can't imagine doing that and I know you feel that your heart would just break and there would be no future or happiness without your horse but I have to say, having been there that there is, I am not in a situation so far removed from where I was then and so much happier for it. You can do it, short term hell but tell me, can you look into the future and tell me how you will survive another 20-30 years like this?

Read this .... then read it again.... very wise words. I wish some body had said this to me seven years ago. I was in a similar situation to you. Abuse is not only violence, it's emotional blackmail and humiliation that makes you keep putting up with a situation without changing it or feeling like you can't change it, it's all your fault , you feel duty bound to provide and carry on regardless, you are hopeless, useless, a liar, and find yourself 'set up' for a fall, until you get a the first point where you are now. Next you will make yourself ill, and all for what?

Change it or walk away... heartbreaking yes but only YOU can change it all.
As some one said to me Talk or Walk.

It will feel worse as you are feeling crap with the flu as well but really think what YOU are getting out this relationship and the boundaries that are set. Can or would your partner change things for you, back you up against his mother and support you.

Harsh words maybe, but something you need to think about. Your studies are so important don't wish things were different - be strong and positive and do something about it.

Good luck and we are all here for you xxx

have edited to add this .... read this it helped me understand things http://helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

 

[ChesnutsRoasting]

To be quite frank, this sounds like a sort of upstairs downstairs set up, and you sound VERY much the downstairs part of things.

You haven't been in a relationship with this cretin for 5 years - you have been in 'service' (in more ways than one) to his family.

Doesn't sound like you own your horse at all - just a little crumb or two that the cretin has thrown to you from his overflowing platter to keep you in loyal and unending servitude.

Walk away, quickly and purposefully. Don't look back, weep a little for what you thought you had (but in truth had nothing) and then move on with your life. In no time at all you can really own your own horse, keep it where ever you choose, but hopefully in the company of like minded young people of your own age.

Let Miss Haversham and her sprog rot away in their own pile of horse poo as
you ride off happily into the sunset.

This x a 1000. Walk away, whilst you're still young and have the energy. Once you qualify, a whole new world will open up for you and you will wonder what the hell you were doing staying in such a one-sided relationship for so long.

 

[Cedars]

Thank you all so much for being so supportive, I was expecting people to say 'pull yourself together look at everything they give you'!

Told the boyf we need to have 'the talk' tonight about what is happening, because its clear to me today that I can't continue as I am, so...

Thanks everyone xx

 

[Cedars]

If he's serious, take him up on it and leave. Is there a ring on your finger? I would have though after 5 years things would be in a good state, you shouldn't be his slave. You may have to take the risk of leaving your horse, but do you really want to stay in this situation?

Nope - he won't propose - 'we're too young'. xx