Anyone else just think they can't do this?

darkhorse123 said:
After reading the rest of your replies - yes.

I do not mean to be harsh but after 5 years things are unlikeley to improve and they are treatign you like a slave - they know you are "beholden" to them.

Have you spoke to your parents about this?

Do you really want ot be in this position in 5 years time?

Cut your losses and walk out. If you are studyng now you will be able to afford your own horse in no time and not be beholden to anyone.

In the meantime look for a share - if you were near me you coudl share my lad.

They sound like horrible bullies - well mum does and her son sounds like a right little chicken sh** mummys boy :mad:
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-My parents don't care, have no relationship with them really. Moved in with OH and his mother when stuff deteriorated beyond any reasonable point (yes, another thing I 'owe' them for). Before anyone says I'm sure your parents would take you back, firstly they're in London (and my degree is in Bristol) and secondly they were extremely abusive so its not just teenage falling out.

-I've not even sat on a horse (apart from my youngster) in over a year - I'm nowhere near good enough atm to share anyones horse.

-If Puzzle was in my name, then I could afford her. We would make something work. But she's not, so I have no hope of moving with her. :( :(
 
Goodness me cedars, how are you even managing not to kill this mother from hell!!!

Totally agree with the others, you are being thoroughly abused. I think leaving this 5 years is well worth it because it will kill you.

If you can't do what a member said and work out time = cost thing and make it fair, I think this is one situation you need to get out from. It's horrible! I'm not even you and it's making me cry! I know you love your horse, but you could have a chance to rebuild things, be totally independent, get another horse which is 100% yours kept how you like and spend as much time as you want.

You feel trapped, and it is difficult to get out but you must!

(((hugs)))) kleenex, cup of tea & chocolates xxxx
 
Think I'm deciding that, in my head, there are two issues.

The MIL issue - I am happy to have her horse during the week when she is not here, because thats my 'payment' for livery. It would be nice to be allowed to ride the mare. However, on the weekends, or the days that she is here, I am NOT responsible for that horse. I don't bring it in, I don't feed it, I don't muck it out, I don't poo pick it. She is there, if she does not want to do it, she needs to pay someone other than me to do it.

The OH issue - we need to work out who owes what financially, and agree my time 'in hours' against what I should be paying. Because this isn't working for me. I love him, god I love him SO much, and when we're happy we're amazing, but this isn't working for me with all of the rest of my life so in turmoil too. So something has to change.

I also want to speak to WHW and have Puzzle in my name. Then that means there is none of this 'we'll get rid of your horse' business, she'll be mine fair and square.

Does this sound reasonable? I don't want to be unreasonable, and I AM grateful for what they give me, but I cannot carry on like this.

xxx
 
If Puzzle is loaned, is there any possibility you could approach the owners about taking over the loan if your OH were to send her back? Might mean she'd have to go back for a bit but might be worth considering if you can find a place for yourself and her. I know easier said than done but OH sounds awful, get out if you can. Good luck.
 
Ah so your horse is from WHW? Well atleast you know where she's going, I have a plan! Find somewhere to live and for your horse to live, move out, OH will send horse back and you can apply to have her on loan for yourself :) Ta- dah! If you didn't mind the commute I'd offer you to keep your horse on my field, I'm about an hour 1/2 - 2 from Bristol depending on traffic
 
Sounds to me that they need you more than you need them! Anyway he would have to pay the bills whether you are with him or not. As for the mother, well she sounds perfectly gahstly. I would talk to him tonight and tell him that if they dont treat you better you are going to walk. I bet he will not let you go. Be strong because he doesnt sound like he is, he is holding you to ransom because of the horse. God I have gone off men! :mad:
 
What a positively horrid situation you're in.

I echo what everyone else has already said about getting out but also remind yourself that if you allow them to make you ill/exhausted/depressed there is a very real chance that you may not even manage to complete your university course. Please talk to someone at your university to see if they can sort you out some emergency accomodation if you need somewhere to go at short notice.

I'm so sorry that you don't have supportive parents, especially at a time like this but from what you've said already, you need to learn how to not 'let' people take advantage/abuse your kind nature. I'm putting this as politely as I can but I think you and others will know exactly what I mean.

Take care and start sorting out the next 6 months of your life, only you can do this.
 
So sorry about your situation. No wonder you feel so down! If you left your partner, would he send puzzle back to whw? If so couldn't you find grass livery somewhere and rehome him? If he wouldn't send him back, could you not explain to whw the situation, you paying for his care and that you're the one who looks after him? They may be able to change ownership over? Even though you're not married you may still have rights as you live with him? Im sure the legal geniuses on here will know exactly your rights but if I was in your situation I'd be seriously looking into all of my options to get out and to get the horse in my name! Even if it means being devious and doing it all behind my partners back (if I thought I needed to!) so I can just say "bye" one day and going with horse!!
Hope this makes sense! On my phone and can't read back what iv written!!!
 
Cedars said:
Think I'm deciding that, in my head, there are two issues.

The MIL issue - I am happy to have her horse during the week when she is not here, because thats my 'payment' for livery. It would be nice to be allowed to ride the mare. However, on the weekends, or the days that she is here, I am NOT responsible for that horse. I don't bring it in, I don't feed it, I don't muck it out, I don't poo pick it. She is there, if she does not want to do it, she needs to pay someone other than me to do it.

The OH issue - we need to work out who owes what financially, and agree my time 'in hours' against what I should be paying. Because this isn't working for me. I love him, god I love him SO much, and when we're happy we're amazing, but this isn't working for me with all of the rest of my life so in turmoil too. So something has to change.

I also want to speak to WHW and have Puzzle in my name. Then that means there is none of this 'we'll get rid of your horse' business, she'll be mine fair and square.

Does this sound reasonable? I don't want to be unreasonable, and I AM grateful for what they give me, but I cannot carry on like this.

xxx
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That sounds very reasonable Cedars. Definately a way forward. Don't let him hold you emotionally like he is - it's so bad for your psyche. You are young and should be having a ball at uni, meeting new friends and having evenings out. The longer you tolerate and allow his and the MIL behaviour the worse it will get and you will lose sight of what is normal. This isn't normal it's really really mean against you. Good luck :)
 
grumpyoldmare said:
To be quite frank, this sounds like a sort of upstairs downstairs set up, and you sound VERY much the downstairs part of things.

You haven't been in a relationship with this cretin for 5 years - you have been in 'service' (in more ways than one) to his family.

Doesn't sound like you own your horse at all - just a little crumb or two that the cretin has thrown to you from his overflowing platter to keep you in loyal and unending servitude.

Walk away, quickly and purposefully. Don't look back, weep a little for what you thought you had (but in truth had nothing) and then move on with your life. In no time at all you can really own your own horse, keep it where ever you choose, but hopefully in the company of like minded young people of your own age.

Let Miss Haversham and her sprog rot away in their own pile of horse poo as you ride off happily into the sunset.
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this 100% Cedars!
I know from your later reply that you love him but ask yourself does he love you or does he just like having the control over you?
I was in a controlling relationship in my late teens, early 20's, these men are very good at turning on the charm when needed to make you think that it can be wonderful if you just 'behave' or be 'more reasonable':mad: Nothing is ever their fault ,always yours and it's always you causing the problems, you're the unreasonable one never them and just to top it off they'll start with the 'how much they do for you' spiel just to really make you feel worthless :(
Yes it will be painful to leave and things may be touch financially for a while but your sanity is at stake here and don't underestimate that fact, get out while you still have the strength to do so, I'm only 45 mins away from Bristol, I'll come and help you pack!!!!xx
 
Is there a counsellor you can talk to at Uni. It strikes me that you have gone from an abusive relationship with your parents to an abusive and relationship with this man and his mother. I think you need to examine your reasons for this (eg not having a proper relationship role model and repeating patterns of childhood). This could be a turning point for you, helping you with your self esteem and ensuring you do not repeat these patterns.

Good luck (and if you want my honest opinion, I would leave - you teach people how to treat you and you need to show them how to treat you)
 
Hi, I do have a counsellor at uni, I'm currently in weekly counselling for the abuse I suffered as a child. She i aware of the situation with my OH but (and I know this is so 'battered wife') but apart from this, we ARE pretty perfect. But as you all know, horses are just such a time waster and part of your whole life. xx
 
Cedars said:
Hi, I do have a counsellor at uni, I'm currently in weekly counselling for the abuse I suffered as a child. She i aware of the situation with my OH but (and I know this is so 'battered wife') but apart from this, we ARE pretty perfect. But as you all know, horses are just such a time waster and part of your whole life. xx
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I am sorry for your situation, it sounds terrible. It also sounds like a repeating pattern and that you are in another abusive situation. It would be safer for you to get out of it altogether.

What does your counsellor say about your present situation?

Look after yourself first and then the horses :)
 
Tbh think she's more worried about the rest of my life falling apart, as atm its like juggling whilst dodging bullets - trying to keep uni and the horses and potential police investigation etc in the air, let alone my own mental health, is a fun game! Not really explained to her how much I feel taken advantage of, although she does know that I really struggle with the relationship with my MIL.

Feel remarkably calm now I have a plan actually, something has just snapped tonight, I've had enough. xxx
 
I can only see one way round this, and that is to get out. I would be on the phone to WHW first, as I feel thats the thing that is upsetting you the most. See if you can arrange something with them, maybe puzzle could go back for a while until you are able to take her (him?! - fear I have not been paying attention) back?

Regardless of what you 'get' out of the relationship, your OH should not treat you like this, try a few years down the line, and exchange the horses for kids, he will not change. Many women do not work whilst at home looking after their kids - and I doubt if many OHs have the same reaction as yours. And better getting out after 5 years than 10 :(

Any friends you can stay at whilst you sort yourself out? :)
 
poor you what a horrible situation to be in :(

tbh this is what "I" would do in that situation

try to speak to OH about it ,i mean really sit down and pore out how your feeling ,maybe chuck a huge sicky (in bed groaning/sweating etc ;) ) so they get the feel of just how much work you are doing

and i would give it about 2 weeks and if nothing looks like changing i'd stick two fingers up and walk ,i'm sorry but i would not let anyone bully/blackmail me into doing what you are doing :(

i'm sorry to be blunt as you already have such a lot to deal with but relationships are meant to be a team and you shouldn't be made to feel like a skivy because you are on a lower/non existence wage ,they are taking the pi** out of you big style and it's not on !

belive me iv'e been there and i know the thought of leaving is scary as hell but you need to do something about this and if your OH doesn't care enough to try and sort it out with you i think you should think about leaving


of course this is going on what you have wrote here and i might have gotten the wrong end of stick and if i have i am sorry

good luck
 
Cedars said:
Tbh think she's more worried about the rest of my life falling apart, as atm its like juggling whilst dodging bullets - trying to keep uni and the horses and potential police investigation etc in the air, let alone my own mental health, is a fun game! Not really explained to her how much I feel taken advantage of, although she does know that I really struggle with the relationship with my MIL.

Feel remarkably calm now I have a plan actually, something has just snapped tonight, I've had enough. xxx
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Good, that is called self preservation and glad to see your is intact :) be strong girl. You deserve ( and WILL get!) sooooo much more than what life seems to have dealt you xx
 
Good girl Cedars (without being patronising...grin!) sounds as though you're getting there. If you walk have you got somewhere to go? It's always good to have to have a place lined up, however temporary. I've no idea where you are but we've got a couple of spare rooms in our house, in Bath, if thats any good. Very chummy household and you'd be most welcome. And...no poo picking involved!
 
I don't normally comment on threads like this but I really think you need to take a step back and look at your 'relationship' with your OH and look at it as if a friend was telling you this - i suspect your advise would be to leave:o I don't think you are in love with him i think you are grateful to him and dependant on him which is not the same thing. You are stronger then you think and will survive on your own - yes it maybe tough but it is for a lot of people but better on your own than in a relationship which is in so many ways abusive and chipping away at your self esteem and making you dependant.

People only treat you the way you ALLOW then to treat you - is the behaviour of your OH and his mother in anyway appropriate or necessary?:confused: of course not and if your OH loved you and had any respect for you he wouldn't treat you like an unpaid groom with threats of losing your house etc and let his mother treat like that either. They are both taking advantage of you.

If necessary print this out and take it to your counsellor and a copy for yourself to keep reading it to remind yourself of the excuses you make for your OH and his mother treating you like unpaid staff:o

If you were one of my friends I would be helping you pack your bags and move - you will only get beaten down the longer you stay - as other have said history is repeating itself for you - you are trapped in an abusive relationship of a different sort and it is doing you no good at all.

Sorry if it snot what you want to hear but better to face it now than in 10 or 20 years time when it is so much harder and you have no self esteem/confisence left.
 
I think you need to get away from these people, they sound horrible, as someone else said earlier, they need you more than you need them. I am sure you feel you are in love and that your boyfriend is lovely when he's not abusing you (controlling you through threats) but that is not love, it's cruel and degrading, I've been there myself and the only way to heal the past is to take control of your future and not allow people to control your life, it's yours after all. I so feel for you and hope that you will be okay xxx
 
Unfortunately for you Cedars, your BF knows fine well that you won't leave him so he continually gets to treat you however he pleases. His parents probably also know you won't leave and it sounds like they've jumped on the bandwagon too. As far as I can see your 5 year relationship appears to have no future but you think there is so you remain there. Personally if I were you I'd be moving out and standing on my own two feet, making the very best of life and what it has to offer and most importantly not be beholden to anyone.
 
The guy sounds like a fool and his mother clearly thinks you're the 'help'. :mad:

I see you are in a horrible position re the horse, worse, I take it you live with idiot boy? He needs to understand that you are a full time student (do you work to finance yourself?) and you need to study (well, duh!)

You need space and time to sort yourself out. Is there anywhere you could go temporarily? I'm appalled that he has threatened you with lose everything if you don't basically slave for him and his mother. Are they royalty? If so, fine, they can treat you like a peasant (although we arein the 21st century :rolleyes:).

I'm afraid my advice is to gather up your dignity and stroll off into the sunset if you can bear to leave the horse (and puppy?). Ultimately, this relationship sounds deeply unequal and like it has zero future. He's not going t propose if he treats you this way, quite honestly and he clearly does not hold you in any esteem. :(
 
Maybe it's because I've been through a similar relationship when I was your age and have now been happily married for long enough for you to be my daughter but I don't quite see it as clear cut in some ways as the others.

Your OH and his monther were your safety net when you left your parents. they took you and sorted you out and got you in a position where you were able to "have" puzzle. Now, whilst you are a student you are in deep financial doo doo. At the moment you don't have a job, you have Uni and you have to do nearly all the work on the yard. In return for that you really only have to pay for your food IIRC - certainly you have a vastly reduced share of the bills.

So, you could decide that you won't do the yard work, you will get a job and you will pay your full share of the bills including appropriate livery bills. OH and his mother will need to pay a groom, it would of course be their choice as to whether the livery would then have no element of DIY and recover a quarter of the grooms costs as part of your livery bill.

Or you can decide that you just want out of an abusive controlling relationship and leave and attempt to keep control of Puzzle although I'd suspect that if you didn't have the experience before it's unlikely they'd consider you did have now, coupled with not having anywhere to keep her it might all get a bit difficult.

Or you could decide that you are over-reacting a little, these people have put you up (and put up with you) whilst you were in dire straits at a very young age and that although you feel hard done by it's a hiccup. You could further decide that if you want a long term relationship, in order for it to last there needs to be a bit of give and take. OH is trying, presumably, to better himself or climb the career ladder and as such is away from home for 12 hours a day. You stand to benefit significantly from such an improvement and thus it is up to you to help support him through this - which means that if you have the time available you are the one to do the yard duties. It's all very well to try to divide things up equally but life isn't like that. It's akin to a mother with a young child saying "Right I've had him all day, now you're back from work you can have him for the rest of the day while I go out partying" Sounds fair in theory but is hardly practical. If you divide things equally what happens if one of you is away or hospitalised? Is the other one going to say "I'm only doing my bit?" Whatever happened to give and take? Bad things do happen. As a couple you have to get over them. I assume this long commute won't continue for ever for him.

As for his mother, over the five years you've obviously both slid into this relationship and that makes it hard to change but again I'd say as a couple you have three horses free of charge on a yard with (from your photos) reasonable facilities. You (between you, currently falling mainly on your shoulders) have to do three horses, surely doing another makes little difference? I'd suggest you just get on and do it - basically you have four horses to look after all the time, at least when she rides she tacks the damned thing up for herself. It seems a small price to pay, to me, for having a nice yard which 6 days out of 7 is yours with no-one to interfere, no blasted livery yard politics, etc. If you are going to have a long term relationship then you need to accept his mother is there, and learn how to negate anything she says without alienating either your OH or her.

There's no doubt you are feeling very overworked and hard done by and we all know how hard this time of year is. I think you are taking a jaundiced view and I honestly think that a good night's sleep will put a better complexion on things - but of course you do have the option to leave, get digs, get a job and do precisely what you want, when you want - within, of course, the bounds of Uni work, job work and finance.

Take a step back, count your blessings and don't do anything hasty. I hope it all seems clearer in the morning.
 
Thanks again everyone - particularly Jemima-Too who is also right with regards to the things that tie me down.

The yard is absolutely fantastic, really amazing, no complaints. But I literally am not allowed/don't get a chance to use them (I'm not allowed to loose school MY horse in the school, but they loose school theirs...I'm not allowed to ride their horses at all in the school, but of course they do).

You are right that, when things were really pants, I relied wholly on her goodwill to have somewhere to live etc. But our relationship has soured since then (which is probably my fault). I think its been my fault because I have just let stuff get piled on to me without ever saying NO. Things like, I organise her plumbing, cleaners, electricians, etc because she asks me to - but I should say NO.

We just need to rebalance the situation, and if we can't, then I've got to go I think. But I certainly won't be walking out overnight, we've been together too long for that. xxx
 
It's definitely time for action cedars - you've done the talking with the OH and it's got you nowhere so now you need to take stock of the situation and , although it's so so sad , it's time to realise that these people are bullies and I really think that they are treating you badly because they know the'll get away with it , they already know that your parents have done so , so they are probably confident that you wont challenge their manipulating spiteful behaviour - this isn't the begining of the end , it's the end of the begining and you're so young , you need to shed these parasites whilst you still have the energy - be the master of your own destiny , carve out the future that YOU deserve..and never ever think that you haven't got friends cos we are all here right behind you..I'm all the way down here in Cornwall but you'd be more than welcome to come down and have a break , if only to give them a rocket up the backside and show them that you're not going to put up with this treatment anymore!!!
 
Some great advice on here, I hope it's helped you to see things clearly.

Couple of points - could you get emergency accomodation through or at Uni? Can you get a part time job to work around your course, there should be some good Christmas jobs coming up soon. Having a good should get you meeting people too, so making friends. If you do leave, I would email the WHW with some purely factual information - that you were the full time groom and carer to their horse, and if she came back into their care, you would like to be considered to loan her.
 
Cedars my heart breaks for you reading this....
Its so easy for us to sit here and say you should leave this BF and MIL, but I can see how hard this will be if the rest of your relationship is fine (in your eyes).
You are alone and vulnerable and under a great deal of emotional anguish, the idea of leaving at this point may simply be too hard to take on along with everything else!!

Contact the WHW and explain the situation, peoples circumstances change all the time and they are used to things like this occurring with their horses. You are only asking for the horse to be in your name as you are paying and looking after him (including insurance?)
IF BF makes a song and dance about you doing this (taking control of your life) then its a clear indicator things are not as perfect as you believe.
You sound like you are perfectly capable of looking after the horses (you have been doing it for goodness sake) so don't let them make you believe you are not "good enough" to do this on your own.
Many WHW horses are given to "relatively" inexperienced homes but the owners are caring and capable, knowing when to seek advice, vet, farrier, ect. thats the beauty of WHW.

And as for poo picking?! Unless horses are on a tiny acreage they won't keel over if you cut back on this. PS I don't know ANYONE who actually does poo pick, on livery yards or at home on 2 acres, and I know over 70 good horse owners!!! Most folk simply worm properly and rest their fields, rotate with other animals and / or harrow regularly. Not politically correct I know but the truth here in Scotland at least...
Life is too hard to be giving yourself so much of a hard time.
 
I feel that you are still suffering from what you have experienced in life (I know this as you keep referring to it in posts, some that have no connection to it) Speaking from experience, you will not be the same person you are now once you have finally rid yourself of the demons that you carry on your shoulders. You will be stronger, wiser and will know in your mind what you will and will not accept from people. My guess is that you depend on your OH, for the stability he has given you through some tough times, but maybe now he is holding you back from fully moving on from everything.

I have no doubt that you love your OH, whether they are for the right reasons anymore I cannot say. I know I had to make some very tough choices that I knew would cause me huge upset in the short term, to change my life in the long term. I had to move away from everything I knew, start again. But I knew this would be the making of me, and it was.

I guess what I am saying is, you still have a long way to go, but there is no point walking down the same path everyday if it leads you nowhere, you need to make your own path, you need to look at the bigger picture and decide what you want from life, what you deserve. If you sit and look inside and listen to yourself, you will find the answers, it will never be easy, never be straight forward, but nothing that is worth having ever is.
 
Cedars said:
The yard is absolutely fantastic, really amazing, no complaints. But I literally am not allowed/don't get a chance to use them (I'm not allowed to loose school MY horse in the school, but they loose school theirs...I'm not allowed to ride their horses at all in the school, but of course they do).
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Why not?
 
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