Anyone else just think they can't do this?

I really feel for you- are you doing the 4 years degree or the PGCE, I did the latter and it was so so so stressful without the added pressures that you are facing! I think your OH is so dependent on you that he is blackmailing you to think you are the 'vulnerable' one- i.e if he works 2 hours away, MIL does nothing, if you left who would do his horses?! I try and stick with it, at least until you qualify because it sounds like at the moment leaving and trying to find accommodation/a pt job/losing your house/uni is too much- see how it goes, if it gets worse then look at going but remind yourself that they need you more than you need them. They might have you at their beck and call now (out of order) but once you qualify and your OH cuts his apron strings with his mummy, he'll realise :) does your OH actually realise how he is making you feel and what his mother is doing? :confused:Hope you are ok:)
 
horsesatemymoney said:
I really feel for you- are you doing the 4 years degree or the PGCE, I did the latter and it was so so so stressful without the added pressures that you are facing! I think your OH is so dependent on you that he is blackmailing you to think you are the 'vulnerable' one- i.e if he works 2 hours away, MIL does nothing, if you left who would do his horses?! I try and stick with it, at least until you qualify because it sounds like at the moment leaving and trying to find accommodation/a pt job/losing your house/uni is too much- see how it goes, if it gets worse then look at going but remind yourself that they need you more than you need them. They might have you at their beck and call now (out of order) but once you qualify and your OH cuts his apron strings with his mummy, he'll realise :) does your OH actually realise how he is making you feel and what his mother is doing? :confused:Hope you are ok:)
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Im doing the 3yr undergrad degree at UWE. In year 2 now, so I will qualify in nearly 2 years time.

Need to speak to OH about it. xx
 
If you are doing teacher training you must be absolutely snowed under with school stuff. This training is your ticket to independence - make good use of it. Don't become a victim.
Either fill your time with your studies and take on a 'what ever' attitude to their demands, just doing the minimum or move out and share with other uni students.
Get in touch with WHW explain the situation - they would probably prefer as many horses to be out on loan and may be accommodating once you have found a livery for her. Many of my friends doing pgce have bar work or a shift in tesco.
Stay strong and make a plan.
 
jemima_too have you been reading the same posts as the rest of us???? I really don't think you have unless you're playing devils advocate or trying a bit of reverse phsycology. (In which case I take my hat off to you!)

Cedars: Read all of this over again and tell yourself the truth. Be honest. Then get the hell out of Dodge!

None of us know you but we are all of the same opinion and that has to count for something. People have been very candid and given a lot of very good advice if you care to take it.

PLEASE tell your councellor everything that's going on. She cannot help you unless she knows every detail.

Sorry that this is so bitty but it's all going around in my head and I'm getting rather angry with the BF and MIL. I'd like them both to read this post and then insert it where the sun don't shine (did I think that out loud? Sorry, I'm not normally that rude).

Keep us up to date please with what you decide. If you fancy a holiday then I can suggest Vienne, France. There's a slightly odd but very friendly family there who'd let you ride their horses and there'd only be a small amount of poo picking to do (joke).
 
I am snowed under with my degree- just back off of two weeks of placement which is partially why stuff is so bad because ive not been there, so ive not been doing stuff during the week.

Puzzle not allowed in school loose schooling because shes 'heavy on her big feet so leaves holes'. But she really doesnt...and its fine if you grade it, but I'm not allowed to grade the school cos I'm not allowed to use the quadbike...

I did ride her in the school this weekend, first time I sat on her ever (see my other post), but it was a battle even to let that happen (and in the end, I just did it, didn't ask, which is why I've made MIL cross this week...). xx
 
Cant use the school behind their backs because I'm not allowed to grade the school and use the quad - and as careful as I am, you CAN tell when a horse has been in the school. xxx
 
But what would they do if you defied them?! Sack you? :rolleyes: Dump you? :rolleyes: Pretty unlikely because they wouldn't get anybody from outside their family to do what you do just for free livery and unlikely to dump you for reason above- need you more than you need them! (especially in the long term) ;) Ride away in the school, go for it! :D
 
Definitely talk to the WHW about the horse. They are snowed under with horses at the moment and would prefer not to take any back. Whilst they may not be able to help you financially keep your horse, they may know somewhere you could keep it at a rate you could cope with.

Anyway, chat to them and ask their advice - if it was me I would be getting as much information/plans together before talking to OH. If OH know you have options, it may make him really consider what he wants and whether it includes you!!
 
I think it's easier to say just leave than when you're in that position yourself. I think you had the best plan in speaking to your OH about how you feel. You say you love him so he must have some redeeming features (although TBH I'm not sure what they are reading your posts...) Maybe write him a letter and go out while he reads it, that saves it from turning into an argument and you being unable to get your point across. He may not realise just how much you're hurting and how lonely you feel. If he doesn't respond with compassion though then he isn't worth it! It would break my heart if my OH told me he felt as unhappy as you do!!!
If you do leave then you will be fine, when I was at Uni (did Law so pretty full on too) I worked a couple of evenings a week at the local riding school in return for my horse's DIY livery. I actually really enjoyed it (and I never had to poo pick, just turning out ponies, tacking up, helping clients get on etc!) - maybe you could look at this sort of thing? Good luck and big hugs to you. You're not on your own, everyone reading your post cares for you and wants you to be happy xxx
 
I have just read this entire thread, and feel awful for you Ceders. That they wont let you use the school is ridiculous, absolute tosh, and I feel it is this, out of everything, which has given away the kind of people they are. They are bullies, and idiots. And you deserve so much more, love and support.

I DO understand how difficult it could be to walk away, but I think it is for the best. Do you have nowhere else to go? Go and stay with some friends for a while. Get out of their, and see if they miss you.

I SO feel for you, come and stay with me if you are close! :D DONT let them get to you, anf fight your corner. They sound like bloody idiots. Big, nasty bullies!!!
 
I am sorry Cedars - but I can tell you it will not get better the longer you stay with him. I have seen many men like that, and my OH is very demanding with what he expects from me. I have developed a tough hide, and do draw a line in the sand, from time to time. I would stay while it suits you, or if it does not then go.
 
Cedars said:
I am snowed under with my degree- just back off of two weeks of placement which is partially why stuff is so bad because ive not been there, so ive not been doing stuff during the week.

Puzzle not allowed in school loose schooling because shes 'heavy on her big feet so leaves holes'. But she really doesnt...and its fine if you grade it, but I'm not allowed to grade the school cos I'm not allowed to use the quadbike...

I did ride her in the school this weekend, first time I sat on her ever (see my other post), but it was a battle even to let that happen (and in the end, I just did it, didn't ask, which is why I've made MIL cross this week...). xx
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With all these "rules" it sounds like they are treating you like a child. This is NOT okay what so ever. You and OH should treat eachother as equals, not one telling the other rules and regulations.

I do feel for you, but you need to get out of that relationship asap. In 10 years would you rather be the pilot of your own life or having someone else control it for you?

Keep us updated on how you do with the talk with OH :(:(
 
Cedars, I'm sorry, I haven't read all of the thread - I've skimmed but it really is quite distressing. Heaven knows I shouldn't be advising people about relationships, but...

I am astounded by the attitude of your oh - he sounds like he thinks he's doing you a favour by being in a relationship with you. He isn't. I don't think it's so unreasonable for someone to work to support the person they claim to love (I presume after 5 years) while they get a degree to help them in future work. He shouldn't be blackmailing you in that way with you horse - that's disgusting. He shouldn't be listening to his mother about things and not trusting you enough to ask what happened. He just doesn't sounds like he views you as an equal partner.

Surely it must be possible to change the name of the horse through WHW - or talk to them about it and ask to get her yourself when he sends her back. Then let him send her back, you take her on, move away, get a job to pay for the pony and have her to yourself, without the aggro from him and his bloody mother.

This just sounds like a decent person being abused by manipulators :(
 
My bf moved in with me 2.5yrs ago. He moved in as I was struggling to pay for everything and was going to have to move in with my parents. Which would of mean leaving england for rainy ol' Ireland. I couldnt afford food so was making myself very ill. A couple of months after moving in I had to quit my job due to being bullied by my boss(who at the time was my brothers girlfriends mother!). With my current job and trying to kick start my own business I am incredibly poor and I cant afford to pay anything towards the house. My boyfriend never complains and understands that if he wants us to go on a night out he has to pay or I just dont go. This is how a relationship should be, not having to basically work for your OH.
Im only 22 so only young aswell. He sounds to me like your first love and never really having love back I dont think you kind of understand how a loving relationship should be.(sorry if I'm being completely out of order but I think everyones views will help you make things clear). I feel you need to leave this controlling relationship and learn how to be yourself without being controlled by anyone else. Then when you learn this you can find a man to love you for who you are and actually want to look after you.
 
If u can't talk it through and fix it then bite ur tongue, Qualify, take ur horse and leave. It sounds as though u are being treated like a child staff member. If it's ages till u qualify, Rent in a shared house is not too expensive and u can get cheap livery diy especially if u cover a weekend day for yard owner so they can have a day off! I'm sure he has some redeeming features but doesn't sound like there's enough. I qualified in law with 5 horses, a mortgage and no partner, though my dad did help as much as he could. Explore ur options. Good luck. Xx
 
Hi, i havent read the complete thread.

I do feel sorry for you and the way OH has behaved towards you. TBH it sounds like you are getting stressed with your current workload and perhaps reading more into it.

You are lucky not to pay for livery and yes you may have to look after these horses but you are doing this because you cant pay your way ... yet.

OH owns your horse? If so can you buy the horse from him and move yards (can you afford to do this?) If the answer is yes then do it, if you cant and you dont want to lose your horse then just stick it out.

Other than that next time he kicks off dont stand there and take it - give it him back stand up to him.
 
I've only skimmed the thread it's great that you are getting free livery I'd give my left arm for that BUT that does not make you a dogs body and to be treated like a piece of s@@t :(
Am in Bristol and I have seen loads of shares around, or could you get anyone to help you. You sound like you need a break and a bloody good night out along with some respect from the people who are supposed to love you not use and abuse you
 
I answered this once and then my internet crashed. It seems that reply didn't make it so I'll try again.

Chin up Cedars. You can do it, you're just tired and flu-ey and having a November fed up day. You did it last year and you can do it this year. Keep telling yourself that you like being with the horses and you are doing the work for them, forget about the other people in the equation.

At the same time, if you want to get yourself into a different situation, start making some long term plans that end up with you arriving at wherever you want to be, doing what it is that you want to be doing. :cool:
 
I don't think I can put it better than others already have. It sounds as if you're in an abusive relationship. For your own sake, I do think you should tell your Counsellor the whole story.
I appreciate you've a whole lot of things to weigh up, and you've got to make a decision that's right for you. But please do tell someone the whole picture of what's going on. It's not a good way to be living and you obviously realise that.

I hope you manage to sort a way forward that works for you. Sending a big hug x
 
*hugs*

Only you can decide what to do here, but I'd seriously suggest talking to a therapist and making sure you stand up for yourself, whether that be a serious heart-to-heart with your partner or showing him the door. Having horses as a full-time student *sucks* - and I speak from ongoing experience! I couldn't possibly have afforded my guys without serious family support, but that said I have been able to pay for one all the way through off my own back. No, there's no money for anything else, ever, but it's worth it. It can be done if you plan very carefully and make some (okay, a lot of!) compromises.

My advice? Wait until you feel well again so that you're not making a decision on flu-brain and take a long hard look at what you want to do and what it will take to achieve it.

Best of luck!
 
Sounds like a really hard situation to be, and at the end of the day only you can make decisions about what you want to do. There is some good advice on here, read it, but only you know the extent of the real situation.

You don't sound happy and it sounds like you've not been happy for a while. How would your relationships change if there were no horses involved? If you got a job 2 hours away? If MIL got ill? You got married? Had kids? etc.

You should have confidence that OH would support you in all aspects of your life? Does he?

You say its a 5 year relationship that you don't want to give up on? Better to give up on a 5 year relationship than a 50 year one. If you end the relationship, don't see it as a waste of 5 years. Look at what you have learnt from that relationship, look at the mistakes and move on. Life is short and we are only here once. If youre not happy, do something to change it.

I've left a 4 year relationship whilst at uni, (someone who's family I had actually lived with for a year whilst my parents worked abroad for a year too) really hard decision, heart breaking at the time, but the best thing I ever did. I don't see those 4 years as a waste of my life, just part of it. Now been with OH for 11 years, 2 kids, horse, 2 dogs, skint and couldn't be happier.

Good luck whatever you do.
 
just read the entire thread and im gobsmacked.


I wouldnt stand for any of that... tbh right now, id be telling the OH exactly how i felt...lay your cards on the table, if he threatens to send the horse back...let him.

then he has no hold over you horse wise.

Once the horses are out of the equasion.... concentrate on your degree, and if he still supports you, its meant to be

but tbh you sound like hes using you as a skivvy. free livery or not, id be gone.
 
Leave this man, it sounds like he does not love you ( if he did he would bot threaten you that if you don't do the horses you can leave) both him and his mother are using you. Go and find yourself a real man who will treat you like you deserve to be treated. I know it will be hard to leave your horse but can you really risk your health and happiness for a animal , you know the horse will be cares for as the WHW owns it so you don't need to worry what will be become of him. This is a relationship of convienance not love, if he cared for you he would not allow you to work like a dog and ban you from riding his horses etc, that's cruel and unkind..! Please speak to your Uni they will help you find a place to stay and you can get a PT job etc. You can then get your own horse at a later date and I'm sure if you put a advert out you would find someone to let you ride thier horse in return for a little help
 
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