Anyone else just think they can't do this?

You are doing a lot, but then again, you somehow chose to be with this guy and you chose to have a horse. Having a horse is a luxury I would never have been able to afford as a student... so in a way, you are having that luxury, and you're now paying for it, too.

I'd seriously ask you to consider whether you really love your OH. Whether you love him enough to withstand his pain in the a** mother. Or whether you are just staying with him due to your love for horses. Do you have anything else in common with him other than riding/horse stuff? Do you do other things together? When was the last time you two went out together?

In my mind, this all just sounds too much like a "marriage of convenience" - like the kind of stuff you read in historical novels. He and his mother get your service, and you're that little orphaned girl who had no choice really.

To be honest, if you decide your relationship is not a good one, the best thing to do is walk away asap. Any minute you spend with a man you actually don't want to be with is a wasted one.
 
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You seem like your having such a hard time all round! :( I agree with all those who have said get out! I understand that it is difficult and you love him. It sounds as if his mother is using you as much as she can and your OH will always side with her mo matter what. Take it from one who knows. You are better than them (esp MIL!!!)

It also sounds to me as if while they want you as a free, (yes free!) stable hand they dont want you actually doing anything you would consider fun atall. The reason they give about your youngsters schooling and feet ect is utter S%%t! They are bringing you down, knowing you are having a hard time and if you dont sort this and get a rest you could end up very ill indeed. Dont let your studdies for YOUR career suffer because of other people, no matter who they think they are. OH does realise that you cannot make more money for household as you are running round doing all horses on you own all the time?!!

If you dont decide to leave look in to a sharer ect, there are lots of young people and mothers who would love the experience and it may also give you some comapny too.
Good Luck xx
 
Do you honestly think he really, really loves you too? What a sick and twisted way of showing it. They certainly have you dangling on a string.

Love isn't about threats, bullying, emotional manipulation. Love isn't about making your partner feel crushed, pathetic, resentful and scared of what you will do. Love isn't about constant put-downs, mockery, criticism and anger. Love is about tolerance and fairness, kindness and good grace, caring and sharing, supporting and nurturing. That's not what you have here, is it?

Do you honestly think he respects, admires, and values you? Do you think his friends and family are certain how much he adores you? Do you honestly feel you are in a relationship in which you have an equal emotional investment, a relationship in which you both continue to grow? Do you honestly believe you really, really LIKE each other?

Because if this is how he (and his silly, arrogant mother) could treat someone he cherished, there's not much hope for anyone they didn't like, is there?

Putting up with such appalling treatment is not a fair price to pay for material security.

He has threatened you with losing 'your' horse. One threat, and it's one threat too many. Any man who threatens to take away something you love if you fail to comply with his demands, does not merit any place in your life. How dare he, how DARE he be so nasty?

Don't EVER let anyone threaten you into submission. Please, tell your counsellor what is going on, remind yourself you are worth a million times more than he is ever likely to make you feel... and get the hell out of his life.

Talk to WHW and see what you might be able to arrange re Puzzle, but don't stay involved with this arrogant bully for the sake of a horse. WHW will assure her of a decent home if it can't be with you, she won't be his responsibility.

You have a lifetime ahead of you, remember you're stronger and worth much, much more than he wants you to believe.

Enough is enough.
 
Has anyone heard from Cedars yet?

Really troubled me reading this :(


I hope Cedars get's through uni and takes the bad experiences of her life and turns them into strength as she gets older!

Hope you had the talk with the boyf and i hope you have managed to sort this?

xxx
 
Cedars said:
I do talk to him - and all I get back is a load of 'well you don't pay for anything' 'i'm sending your horse back if you wont do mine' 'we wont be together if you wont do the horses' 'you're so ungrateful, my mother houses your horse for free'.

It upsets me as well because its like babysitting when his mother is on the yard. She has excuses for EVERYTHING, why she can't help. She's scared of my youngster (who literally is brain dead), she won't go in to their boxes (so wont muck out if their are horses in), she won't pick out her horses feet, she won't change rugs, she can't even bring her own fricking horse in to the field! Because she's 'scared'.

Cant stop crying tonight.
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Get out now!!!! You do not want to spend the rest of your life with a selfish control freak!! Just wait til there are kids involved!!
 
Your OH does not love you. Hard but true, based on what you have written. His mother does not like you.

I have been in loveless relationships before - it is not until you experience true love that you can see the reality of this world, and that is that a lot of people have no clue what love is. Do you feel loved? The biggest thing you can do in your life is be honest with yourself and pull the veil of fear from your eyes. You are only young, life is yours for the taking, it would be sad if you allowed yourself to remain in this situation with people who do not love you. Love yourself, respect yourself and do what you have to do for YOURSELF, no one else will, it is all down to you, always has been, always will be.

I feel for you, I really do. You sound like a good person, you don't deserve to be treated so badly.
 
I have not read every post on this thread but my heart has just gone out for you. If you were here I would be giving you such a hug! You are still only young and you have your whole life ahead of you. But dont make any rash decisions whilst you are feeling ill. It wont help, honestly. Give yourself a few days to feel better and get over the flu, turn your horse out and leave it for a couple of days, you are ill for crissake and your MIL lives on site. The horse will be fine. Going to read the rest of the posts now, doing this in the wrong order.... sorry. But if you were my daughter I would want you back home for a few days until you feel better and can make better decisions, is this a possibility? xxx
 
Cedars said:
Nope - he won't propose - 'we're too young'. xx
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Thank God for that, no excuses get out and run!

Would love to know who these people are so I could give them a piece of my mind, they have made me so cross for you!
will continue to read the other posts now, still not finished yet...... xx
 
Cedars, I haven't read to the end of the thread yet but I think you need to come up with a plan of action for what you would do if you decided to leave. Then when you know it isn't the end of the world if you leave/get thrown out you can evaluate things more dispassionately.

The fact that your horse is loaned from WHW actually makes this easier. If your horse was owned by your OH then he could threaten to sell it behind your back or send it to the meatman or keep it and not allow you to see it. He can't do this because it is owned by WHW and so he must either keep it and look after it properly or return it. It has a safeguarded future even if you aren't around. Talk to the WHW anyway though, see if you can get him changed into your name or if they can note puzzles file that if he is ever returned you would like first refusal to loan him.

Therefore the most important things are to think about getting an income and getting accomodation. I would try and get a job anyway, if you have your own money you will be far less beholden to your OH and it makes it easier for you to leave if you want to. You can use your money to start a secret emergency fund and also to contribute to the bills.

Find out from the uni and from the council what options there would be for housing if you left your OH or were thrown out. You would almost certainly be housed somewhere and you would probably be entitled to some financial help too.

Even if you decide to stay it will make it easier if you know that you have a choice.

Don't let your OH walk all over you. Just because he is paying the bills it doesn't give him the right to walk all over you. Plenty of people are supported by their OH due to children, health, study, changing career etc but their OHs don't treat them this way. Remind your OH that your studying will benefit him in the long run as you will bring a decent income into the house making a better life for you both.
 
It must be nice for your OH and his mother to have a lacky........

Stop doing everything - and just do what you can.

You work full time too - it's called University.

As for your OH kicking off because he'll have to muck out 4 horses - tell him to get a grip. That's an hours work at the absolute most. It's everything else that takes time.
 
Apologies if I've got this wrong. You get free accommodation, bills and livery for your horse in return for doing their three horses (not riding) and some housekeeping duties occasionally? And you don't get on with the people who provide it because they are beginning to treat you like a skivvy?

tbh its not actually a bad deal in return for doing three horses. But if you don't like any of it, why not move out, pay your own way and be in control of your own destiny? So many students now have to run part-time jobs and give up their horses. You should also not be missing whole days at uni because of horses having swollen legs. I think you need to get your priorities in order, pay your own way and be in charge of your own destiny. Theres not a lot of point in saying you can't afford it, because having a horse while a student is a luxury, and what you are doing just now is a way of providing for that luxury.

Moving out into your own place might actually help your relationship, maybe it would make your OH respect you more or miss you or something, who knows. But right now, you are far too dependent on these people.
 
sorry not read all the replies so hope i don't repeat anything that's already been said.

it's easy for us to all sit behind our computer screens and say leave, you are the one living this, not us. BUT if you stay you will lose everything you have, he will start telling you what to wear or question how many times you shower. as it is he's using the horse to keep you there, if he loved you then he would ease up on you and help you out or god forbid he would tell his mother to grow up.

you do have to leave, you say you can't socialise, you can't ride your horse but you have to do everything for him and his mother. he is controlling you, simple as that.

if a friend came up to you and said all that you've said what would you advise? it would be hard to walk away, i'm not going to lie and say it won't but once you've done that you will feel so much better and who knows maybe he will actually realise how good for him you were and come crawling back on his hands and knees begging for forgiveness, if he doesn't well think yourself very lucky. you have to start taking care of yourself and stop being a doormat, you are going to uni to better yourself so you can get a good job afterwards, maybe he's also scared of you doing better than him so it's better for you to be under control now before you get ahead of him.
 
Right just an idea, if I'm being dumb do tell me!

How about get a part time job? Just find one where you can do maybe 8 hours over two nights, this will give you three benefits: 1. You can contribute towards bills, even a little bit well look good towards your OH. 2. You'll have two nights off where they will have to sort there own horses out. But he can't complain as you will be contributing towards the household. 3. You'll be gaining a new social circle and will no longer feel so Linley and isolated.
 
Cedars said:
I do talk to him - and all I get back is a load of 'well you don't pay for anything' 'i'm sending your horse back if you wont do mine' 'we wont be together if you wont do the horses' 'you're so ungrateful, my mother houses your horse for free'.
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Cedars said:
Any time I would spend with friends gets a 'well you could have spent that time poo picking'.
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Cedars said:
Think I'm deciding that, in my head, there are two issues.

The MIL issue - I am happy to have her horse during the week when she is not here, because thats my 'payment' for livery. It would be nice to be allowed to ride the mare. However, on the weekends, or the days that she is here, I am NOT responsible for that horse. I don't bring it in, I don't feed it, I don't muck it out, I don't poo pick it. She is there, if she does not want to do it, she needs to pay someone other than me to do it.

The OH issue - we need to work out who owes what financially, and agree my time 'in hours' against what I should be paying. Because this isn't working for me. I love him, god I love him SO much, and when we're happy we're amazing, but this isn't working for me with all of the rest of my life so in turmoil too. So something has to change.

I also want to speak to WHW and have Puzzle in my name. Then that means there is none of this 'we'll get rid of your horse' business, she'll be mine fair and square.

I cannot carry on like this.
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Okay I've selectively quoted a few things so that I hope you'll read them back and hear yourself. You're not in a happy relationship by the sounds of it. Hard though it is (and I've been there and can sympathise totally with you on this one) you are being held to ransom for a horse. This just isn't acceptable. The ONLY solution is to be prepared to walk away from the horse. I'm sorry its come to this, because I know its heartbreaking, but if you hang on in there "because you owe them" and "because you will lose the horse..." they will take more and more liberties, because sadly that's what some humans are like.

If I were in your shoes, I would... a) consider how long you have left in uni, and work out student loans, crisis loans and grants from uni, that side of things. Compare how much you do spend on all your bills - including the horse at present. My guess is you could live in a house share, all bills inc, for equal to or less than what you are currently paying.
b) Ask WHW to speak to you in confidence about your situation with the horse, and ask what they would need to transfer the horse to you, should your BF follow through on his threats (yes, they are threats. It is intimidating and bullying behaviour). It may be that they would like horsey references for you, and you'll have to be prepared that it may be that they feel you won't be in a position to care for a horse with your uni commitments. But you don't know unless you try.
c) Take your own power back from your BF and his mother when the time is right for you. Issue HIM with the ultimatum.. that you will walk away from him, the horses, his mother, unless something is sorted out that will work for all 3 of you. And if he won't compromise, you'll find no happiness with him, move out, leave them behind, move on. It'll be hard, but my god you will be so much better off in the long run.
 
Good afternoon everyone! Thanks again for all your replies, offers of places to stay etc. You will never truly know how much I appreciate them!

We didnt talk much last night but I did explain that I had absolutely had enough, something has got to change. We briefly decided that, with the MiL situation...

During the week I do her mare. This is payment for my livery.

On the weekend, I expect not to be responsible for her horse for 3 half days. As she should be doing at the very least Sat night, Sun morning and Sun night.

So, either that means that she gets up at 7 with me and does her mare, PROPERLY. Or, she pays someone. If she pays someone, then they can do the three half days during the week so I get time for Uni work, socialising, etc. Because on the weekend I'm on the yard anyway so seems daft to have someone else there too on that day.

She also needs to learn how to do her own horse. No more excuses-I expect her to be capable of bringing her own horse in from the field, changing it's rugs and picking its feet out as a very minimum. Im not expecting her to be able to tack the mare up because she IS difficult, but I am certainly not babysitting her any more.

I think if I get some days off in the week I will then feel much better about doing my boyfriends horses-because he DOES provide for me and I don't think it's unreasonable that I help him out. However on his day off he needs to step up and do some jobs.

I've also decided that I will be using the school, il learn to grade it properly so that i dont damage it, and that's final-I have a youngster, she needs time in the school, end of.

I am also waiting for WHW to ring me back about putting puzzle in my name.

I do have a part time job, I nanny, and I COULD afford puzzle if I absolutely needed to-so feel calmer about that.

Thank you all for your help in making me see how unreasonable some of this is! Going to make a big effort to improve things otherwise enough is enough. I'm 21 and need to be happy with what I'm doing.

Thanks again xxx
 
Cedars said:
Good afternoon everyone! Thanks again for all your replies, offers of places to stay etc. You will never truly know how much I appreciate them!

We didnt talk much last night but I did explain that I had absolutely had enough, something has got to change. We briefly decided that, with the MiL situation...

During the week I do her mare. This is payment for my livery.

On the weekend, I expect not to be responsible for her horse for 3 half days. As she should be doing at the very least Sat night, Sun morning and Sun night.

So, either that means that she gets up at 7 with me and does her mare, PROPERLY. Or, she pays someone. If she pays someone, then they can do the three half days during the week so I get time for Uni work, socialising, etc. Because on the weekend I'm on the yard anyway so seems daft to have someone else there too on that day.

She also needs to learn how to do her own horse. No more excuses-I expect her to be capable of bringing her own horse in from the field, changing it's rugs and picking its feet out as a very minimum. Im not expecting her to be able to tack the mare up because she IS difficult, but I am certainly not babysitting her any more.

I think if I get some days off in the week I will then feel much better about doing my boyfriends horses-because he DOES provide for me and I don't think it's unreasonable that I help him out. However on his day off he needs to step up and do some jobs.

I've also decided that I will be using the school, il learn to grade it properly so that i dont damage it, and that's final-I have a youngster, she needs time in the school, end of.

I am also waiting for WHW to ring me back about putting puzzle in my name.

I do have a part time job, I nanny, and I COULD afford puzzle if I absolutely needed to-so feel calmer about that.

Thank you all for your help in making me see how unreasonable some of this is! Going to make a big effort to improve things otherwise enough is enough. I'm 21 and need to be happy with what I'm doing.

Thanks again xxx
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Great news :D I'm sure you may've painted all this in less than rose tinted way because of feeling so blue yesterday, but i really felt for you. I'm proud that you got what you wanted. Please don't let your uni work slip as that will be your only route to independance. :)

Congratulations and good luck! xxx
 
I have read the thread and I am so sorry you are struggling as much as you are. It is very easy for us all to offer advice it is you that has to make the difficult decisions but please do not put that you off, harder doesn't mean it is the wrong decision. I do think you need help looking at your relationship, no matter how much you love your OH this situation cannot continue. I do think you need to speak to your councillor about these issues. What would you say if a friend came to you and told you what you have told us on here?

I do agree with the majority of folk on here saying that you do need to leave your OH however if you are prepared to stay then something needs to change.

I can understand you aren't wanting your OH to send your horse back I imagine that she means the world to you and makes you so happy that you don't want to loose that out of your life. Unfortunately it is giving your a OH a way to have an emotional hold over you. If you want to keep your horse and stay in your relationship then changes need to be made.

If Puzzle gets sent back, then although it will be difficult it will allow you to get away from the yard and find a job so that you are contributing to the household, tough luck on him and his mother they will have to do their own horses or find someone else but it may help get the MIL from hell off your back and get your OH to see who you are, a hard working person who deserves respect.
OR
Have you spoken to your OH about you finding a PT job, pay your way for Puzzle and contribute as much as you can financially into the household as well?

By working and contributing financially, even just a little bit will help you feel that you are part of the relationship and household and not just dependant on your OH (I have been in the same situation whilst at uni but my OH was supportive of this and didn't use it against me).
It is do-able to have a job, horse and uni (speaking from experience). You will be contributing towards the horse, so OH and MIL shouldn't be able to complain and it will show you are not expecting to have things handed to you for nothing. You are putting money into the house, again showing you are trying to contribute. Like stich said you will also be gaining a new social circle.

I really do hope that you turn this situation into something good that works for you, because you do deserve A LOT more than what you are getting. Please do not stay in the relationship for Puzzle, it is the same as staying in the relationship for a child it does not work.

Sorry I haven't managed to read through my reply I am sure there are loads more I wanted to add or re-phase.

I really want to wish you the best of luck and I hope whatever you decide it works out for you :)
 
snoopyinfrance said:
jemima_too have you been reading the same posts as the rest of us???? I really don't think you have unless you're playing devils advocate or trying a bit of reverse phsycology. (In which case I take my hat off to you!)
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Yes I read cedars' posts as she is the one in the situation and, as you'll have seen if you read my post carefully, I have been in a similar situation but many years ago. I also read with increasing horror the frantic reaction that other younger (than me) people were having.

I may be being unfair to cedars but I suspect that when she is a little calmer she may feel that she has looked very much on all the worst points and not really thought of any of the current positives. I merely tried to show her some of the options. When you ARE caught in this situation it is so hard to know what is for the best, however being a young person with no financial or emotional support, with the issues that cedars freely posts about, trying to dramatically change your living and support circumstances in the middle of counselling AND whilst trying to do a degree is an almost certain guarantee of failure. Add in losing a beloved animal . . .

I managed to stay, I put up with some unbelieveable (to others) situations which cedars would probably recognise. It meant that I had a safe place to live and a far higher standard of living than I could otherwise have afforded. I didn't have to take up any of the offers that were made to me "to help me out" like being an older man's mistress or peddling drugs. I could not have survived on my own. It gave me time to sort myself out and meet someone who is a pleasure to be with - and has been for more than 20 years. When I do occasionally spill to other people about what went on they are appalled, any counsellors I have seen have been stunned by the **** that was handed out but it was a phase of my life that gave me a chance to go to somewhere better. Like cedars I was taken in by my OH and his mother when relations with family broke down. It is difficult for the parent/MIL in this situation to get it right. Partly they want to treat you like a daughter - and few people would argue with a daughter being expected to provide the support that cedars is supposed to provide in order that the family can maintain it's standard of horse care, partly you are a threat to the family unit as a "daughter in law". When you so badly want to be helpful and loved and part of the family as I wanted to be helpful and loved and part of the family and I suspect cedars does one allows and even encourages people to ask more and more of you. Then it becomes natural and as you grow up and, if you were a daughter of the house, would move away actually you are not in a position to do that as you are in a relationship already.

The other part of my post about making a long term relationship work - and believe me both parties need to work to maintain a long term relationship - isn't just based on my failed relationship but on my current relationship and the current relationship of the woman who is now in my place with my previous OH and his mother. She was obviously older that I was when her relationship with my ex started and she was better about being able to distance him and her from his mother. She has been able to just accept things more than I did because her situation before she met him was worse than mine was I expect. There is so much emphasis nowadays on having "a partner" and so little understanding of partnerships needing constant give and take and mutual support. If each person in the partnership does exactly what they want then it's doomed to fail. Someone always has to be the back end of the donkey - pushmepullyous don't survive as there is no-one to deal with the s h i t. The trick is to be able to decide who is front and who is back and to be able to negotiate the change successfully. My ex's GF is very skilful at negotiating and managing him tactfully so that she gets what she wants and needs out of the relationship. She has succeeded in what I failed at and has a relationshipe that gives her what she needs and she is very happy in it - as is my ex. Cedars is an intelligent young lady and if she can understand her MIL and alter that relationship she stands every chance of working with her OH as my ex's GF has done. Alternatively if too much damage has been done it will not be long before she is in a situation to get the heck out of there and get on with her life.

Jumping ship at the moment is a very very scary option.

Cedars, I have been blunt. I hope you understand that I sympathise, have a far better understanding of where you are than you can imagine and that I wish you well.
 
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^^^^ I spent some time typing that essay obviously whilst you were already posting!

Good luck with the new arrangements:D
 
Oh dear. So he's talked you round again by the looks of it.

You are far too young to be putting up with this BS.

You have gone from one abusive situation to another (just like the statistics said you would).

You need to 'choose life' (sorry for the cliche).

Leave the shower of ***** (and I only ever use that when I'm really cross).

Teaching will wait, nobody ever fails a PGCE (I'm a student teacher regent and there are some horror stories who pass trust me). In a similar (not nearly as bad) situation I brought a one way to Perth Aus, only told parents day of flight. You will never look back.
 
Amymay, I think she mentioned it somewhere earlier in the thread, as London way. and OP is near bristol (I spotted it as I didn't realise that's where she was PGCEing!)
 
ester said:
Amymay, I think she mentioned it somewhere earlier in the thread, as London way. and OP is near bristol (I spotted it as I didn't realise that's where she was PGCEing!)
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She's not doing the PGCE/DE anyway, she's doing the BEd. And SM, in the region of 10% of my year failed their PGDE although I'm sure some of those would have managed to resit.
 
Bit off topic but re pgce - you can miss only a small amount of course in order to fail but you can fail on both teaching quality (or lack of) or on admin and attendance. I am former head teacher and have failed pgce students when their institutions might have passed them. If you are doing pgce you will find your first year of teaching more intense than pgce year so perhaps bear that in mind also.

Sent from phone.
 
Haven't read every post but it seems to be as if your OH is treating you like a skivvy rather than as an OH.

If you cannot talk to him about the situation then it is time to leave. You are not throwing five years down the drain, you are saving yourself from future heartache.

If he is siding with his mum now it will only get worse as time goes on. Having an interfering M-I-L would be a nightmare. It is MUCH harder to get out of a marriage than to leave a relationship that obviously isn't working because you OH has no respect for your needs.

If you have to lose the horse then, sadly, so be it. You have to save yourself.
 
ester said:
Amymay, I think she mentioned it somewhere earlier in the thread, as London way. and OP is near bristol (I spotted it as I didn't realise that's where she was PGCEing!)
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Thanks Ester. Have come in on the end of this, so haven't read the whole post.
 
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