Beware of what is your dream, it may come true!

[cally23]

Sometimes it is hard to be honest, no matter what your hobbies, loves needs are.
I became besotted with horses when taking my daughter for lessons. I could see it was not really her thing and that I was the one getting the adrenaline buzz. I just could not get enough and offered my time to anyone who would allow me to help with their horse and also volunteered with a charity for abandoned ponies.
I started lessons, which was hard being a post menopausal women with a lot of kids who picked up everything so easily. Lessons were not enough, I could not wait a whole week for my next fix. I read a Lot! consumed as many book, forum threads and online workshops as I could manage. I loaned a horse and then fell in love with the horse, probably not the best horse for a beginner but I was gun ho and had had a good start with an instructor who believed getting them out there to make their own mistakes on the mountain was key. It worked and I felt confident. I bought the said horse and found a very quiet hacking yard, which was perfect for my ability. I found an instructor who was sympathetic to my feelings of never getting it right, taking a long time for stuff to sink in(an age thing). I stayed here for a few years just hacking out on my mare, which was fine but repetitive and a bit boring, so my mare told me.
Retirement beckoned and my OH and I decided on buying our own small place with a few acres. This was going to be the icing on the cake. Always having my horses close and riding out everyday, for me the ideal world. The dream!

Reality is so different, I have no horse friends, there are some equine yards close by but they are Stud/ Competition yards.
The hacking is awful, unless you are willing to travel, my mare is a nightmare to load.
My two horses who have been in a herd of 9 are now on their own and have separation anxiety.
I have no menage or yard area to train and I am finding it difficult to train in the field as we are on hilly ground.
My horses are food obsessed and bored.
I realise my home learning has focused on Trust Based Intelligent horsemanship, which while there is nothing wrong with this approach. It is not the Riding School approach of mutual respect and guided expectation. So my approach, I know is too fuzzy and confusing.

I do apologise for the long read. I need(with kindness, yes you can roll your eyes but please do not totally lash me!) a way out of this mess. Just to add my horses are not being sold. They are with me for life, they have a good life and are well vetted and cared for by a big softy, me!
I need direction and some solid advice to move things on. thank you.

 

[cauda equina]

I'm so sorry that the reality doesn't match your expectations; I'm sure a lot of us have experienced that at one time or another.

Just to focus on some practical points - has your mare always been bad to load?
Some horses become worse loaders if they have a minor unsoundness (maybe not even apparent when ridden) or if the trailer/lorry has a problem - low tyre pressuses, dodgy ramp - the horses know! Once you're confident that mare and lorry are good, get some professional help with loading. I had Richard Maxwell; not cheap, but it worked.
For the separation anxiety - have you got room for a third? The charities have got loads of companions looking for homes.
Otherwise could you move your horses back into livery?
I hope you find a way to start enjoying your dream again x

 

[SEL]

Well I'm currently paying livery for 3 broken horses so I'd rather be in your position!

We have a number of trainers around here who will work with poor loaders so why not make that your first point of call? Perhaps a 3rd pony would also help the separation anxiety (rescue or someone who wants grass livery) - 2 is a difficult number if there aren't other horses around.

 

[cally23]

I'm so sorry that the reality doesn't match your expectations; I'm sure a lot of us have experienced that at one time or another.

Just to focus on some practical points - has your mare always been bad to load?
Some horses become worse loaders if they have a minor unsoundness (maybe not even apparent when ridden) or if the trailer/lorry has a problem - low tyre pressuses, dodgy ramp - the horses know! Once you're confident that mare and lorry are good, get some professional help with loading. I had Richard Maxwell; not cheap, but it worked.
For the separation anxiety - have you got room for a third? The charities have got loads of companions looking for homes.
Otherwise could you move your horses back into livery?
I hope you find a way to start enjoying your dream again x

Thank you for taking the time to reply. My mare has always been a bit wary to load but the lorry I have now she absolutely loathes, yes i do think it is the lorry that has the problem. I am about to change it for a trailer and hope this will make a difference. I did loan a rescue pony, it went very wrong, he was only a baby and full on too much for me and also too much for my very quiet laid back cobs. He also kicked my Oh more than once, so he is adamant that we cannot have any more. There is a yard which brings horses back into work and has great hacking from their door. I had forgotten about it as I visited for a friend. I will enquire. I cannot see them going to livery full time as my OH would have a fit and also my health and stables etc are all here for them cost etc.

 

[cally23]

Well I'm currently paying livery for 3 broken horses so I'd rather be in your position!

We have a number of trainers around here who will work with poor loaders so why not make that your first point of call? Perhaps a 3rd pony would also help the separation anxiety (rescue or someone who wants grass livery) - 2 is a difficult number if there aren't other horses around.

I never thought of finding a grass livery for here i also have an empty field shelter, Thanks, that helps

 

[Keith_Beef]

I was helping to load a particularly difficult horse, after having just loaded a horse who had watched me pull down the ramp and open the doors and then he simply walked in... I asked the owner whom I was helping, why there was such a big difference between the two.

She said "I don't know why the mare was difficult, there can be so many reasons, but often it's that a horse has had a bad experience like a driver who brakes and accelerates too brusquely or takes corners a bit too fast, or might have been stuck in traffic on a hot day. Maybe it gets claustrophobic. The mare can't tell me and I just can't know what happened to her before she came to me."

You can try to overcome the loading problem, especially with professional help like Cauda Equina suggests.

As for the hacking and the hilliness and the lack of facilities around, I suppose you must be kicking yourself for not factoring these criteria into your house search... you could sell and move to somewhere more suitable.

 

[Red-1]

I'm sorry you are not enjoying the 'dream'.

I would give it a full 12 months to see if it settles.

If you are still not happy, then I would have a family conference and say so. There is nothing to stop you from moving house again to a different area. That could be a different area with your 2 horses, or a different area with a normal house and great livery. You could test it out by simply putting your horses on livery whilst you Make a decision.

It is certainly not worth being miserable the rest of your life!

 

[Red-1]

Thank you for taking the time to reply. My mare has always been a bit wary to load but the lorry I have now she absolutely loathes, yes i do think it is the lorry that has the problem. I am about to change it for a trailer and hope this will make a difference. I did loan a rescue pony, it went very wrong, he was only a baby and full on too much for me and also too much for my very quiet laid back cobs. He also kicked my Oh more than once, so he is adamant that we cannot have any more. There is a yard which brings horses back into work and has great hacking from their door. I had forgotten about it as I visited for a friend. I will enquire. I cannot see them going to livery full time as my OH would have a fit and also my health and stables etc are all here for them cost etc.

Could you have the horses at home for much of the time and go to the great livery yard for a week or so every month? Like a holiday? I have done that last summer when life was mad. Horse lived with me, but for a while was a regular visitor to another yard when they had a spare stable and I needed a break.

They would even fit me in when horses were off at a show, because they knew I could whip her back at short notice.

Their facilities are much better than mine, in fact I plan to go there for a month when I get my new horse, just so we have the best start with facilities and company.

 

[rextherobber]

What a shame this is not working out as you'd hoped. Is there not even a level-ish 20mx40m area? Could funds stretch to having an arena put it? (Tell your husband it will increase the value of the property?!) Do you have stables you can put the one you aren't riding in, they seem to settle better in on their own than galloping round the field...I thought my hacking was bad, when I moved a while ago, but have discovered that once you get the first roadwork bit out of the way, actually, it isn't bad at all, there are more permissive paths than I'd realised. Could you get a livery in? No extra costs for you, and company and a third horse? Could you build some cross country jumps on your hilly field, make a little course (It's amazing what a few pallets and old tyres can become, with a bit of basic DIY). Join a Riding Club, if you haven't already, meet people in your new area?

 

[Winters100]

Sorry to hear about this - but if it is any consolation I expect it is quite common to feel like this on first bringing horses home. But don't despair, give it some time and you might get to love it! In the meantime there are a few things you can do. The option of a grass livery is a good one, would it maybe fit 2 horses? If so you might find that you are able to get someone who will ride with you. Are your horses sensible types? If they are could you look for someone who is currently horseless and would like to hack out together on one of yours from time to time? Use the food obsession to your advantage. Try to feed the bad loader in the lorry, then progress to loading her, 5 minute drive, fed and unload.

I would also keep your eyes open for horsey people and approach them. There are probably others with horses at home or on DIY and you can ask them about hacking routes etc - chances are that someone will invite you to come along sometime - just look for the exhausted person with dirty t-shirt and hay in her hair at the local shop.

Good luck and chin up!

 

[Gloi]

I stayed here for a few years just hacking out on my mare, which was fine but repetitive and a bit boring, so my mare told me.
My horses are food obsessed and bored.

I do sympathise with your position, it is horrible when things don't work out. However I do think here you are projecting your emotions onto your horses. Two horses together in a field have no reason to be bored, they have their friend, they aren't thinking they wish they were being ridden more. Same as when you were just hacking the mare, you can do lots of exercises out on a hack, I hack 95% of the time and bored ponies aren't ever an issue.
As for being food obsessed, they are cobs, it is to be expected.

 

[Trouper]

I have seen this situation more than once - life on a livery yard seems expensive and restrictive and the dream is always to have them at home - until you do. I think we sometimes undervalue the support and companionship of other people in following our horsey dreams. Rather than find a 3rd horse to deal with the separation anxiety I think I would (very carefully!) offer a space to another rider on what terms suit you both - livery, share of tasks etc - but choose your companion wisely!!

 

[Pearlsacarolsinger]

If there is a local RC, it be worth you contacting the secretary. Their activities are probably curtailed currently but they might be able to introduce you to other local riders, who could show you the hacking routes.

Don't worry about bored horses - they don't get bored, although they may be a bit skittish if they are being over-fed.

 

[canteron]

Is there somewhere nearish where you could send you horses to for, say, a couple of weeks, with maybe great hacking or jumps or some facility just to give yourself an opportunity to have some fun and meet people.

If you ask on a fb forum there may be a small yard who would welcome.

And it may be a cheaper option to moving house is to invest in a proper lorry - most large horses prefer a lot of space to find their balance and larger lorry tends to give a better ride?

 

[ycbm]

C23 I understand everything you are saying. The lack of socialisation is a very big issue for me and one reason I am on this forum so much.

Putting in an arena was a game change for me as we are also on hills. Luckily my hacking is beautiful from my doorstep, but traffic is an issue and getting a canter requires a drive or opening a lot of chained up gates. And I have friends a short drive away who are horse owners and a number of local riding clubs

How long have you been there? I'm afraid for you that if you feel this way before your first winter, then the winter is going to feel very hard. I do think in the end you may need to consider moving, either yourselves or the horses. Sorry not to be more positive but coming up for thirty years here now your post still resonates.
.

 

[alibali]

I think finding a sharer for one of your horses is a great idea. Then you can ride together which gives you company and also deals with the separation anxiety. Providing you can find a suitable person it will give you a good chance to make like minded contacts in the area

 

[Xmasha]

I agree with Pas, try a local RC , even just pop over and watch a few of the clinics , get talking to them . Why not hire a trailer until you can buy one , then get a freelance groom / rider to help you load and unload until you feel more confident.
I would do this quickly, before winter kicks in , before you feel even more isolated

 

[southerncomfort]

You wouldn't be the first to feel like this. It doesn't always work out exactly as we hoped unfortunately.

I suspect you are feeling despondent because you are seeing one giant problem.

Try listing each of the issues you are currently facing and then list potential solutions i.e

Mare won't load: can you get a professional trainer to come and help you solve the loading issue?

Isolation: can you join a local riding club to help make new friends? Where i live we have 2 really good riding clubs plus a bridleways group that organise regular social rides which is also a really good way to find out where all the good bridleways are located.

I do feel for you. We moved to the country almost 3 years ago. For the first year it all felt like an amazing adventure and I loved it, but in the second year I began to feel quite lonely and isolated. It does get better once you start gettingto know people.

If you really hate it there then give yourself a get out clause, as in....if by next spring I still feel like this then ill look at selling up.

 

[oldie48]

I absolutely understand how you feel as when I first owned horses I had similar problems, but fortunately, not all at the same time. Separation anxiety when you just have the two horses is a real pain and sometimes difficult to overcome. I guess that could also be why you're having problems loading too. It is really difficult to suggest what might help because there are potentially so many variables but I did sell a horse that had dreadful separation anxiety as he was never going to cope on a small yard. It doesn't sound as if your horse is that difficult so the idea of having a sharer for your other horse might work for you. Definitely join the local RC too and work on loading. I bought the Richard maxwell video and halter, did all the groundwork and got my first horse loading. If you can afford to get him to come to you, it would be money well spent and he'd probably give you loads of general advice too. He's a really kind person who knows his horses. All of these difficulties can be worked through but you will need to be strong and focused. I'd also find a good local trainer to support you. Good luck, owning horses is a journey, not a destination!

 

[sharni]

maybe consider sending the horses back to livery, somewhere where there are friends for you and other horses for them, and good hacking, and using your own land for something else, rent it to a farmer for sheep, or use as a holiday place for your horses to go to from time to ttime, that way you will get the best of both worlds.

 

[honetpot]

I am not surprised you are a bit glum. Moving house is always stressful, but you have not only done that you have moved lifestyles, and land is hard work and has hidden expenses. When I moved here I tried getting a livery for company, big mistake. I seemed to attract nutters, who made more work for me and didn't pay.
I would find your self a paid knowledgable helper, at least once a week but more if you can afford it. This will not only give you an extra pair hands but if they are the right person, you can work on the problems you have and perhaps share the load and help you to plan.
Livestock is all about planning ahead and managing situations, you never get it all right, but most of the time nothing bad happens and you will only get that perspective with experience. Mares can be the worst, they are a bit like teenage girls, hating each other but can not be away from each other, they either like to boss or be bossed, so they are perhaps missing the herd structure. All I can suggest without getting an older bossy pony to sort them out, is make sure you get them in to some sort of routine before winter, work on simple things and make sure they do them, no ifs, no buts. Like someone else has said think of it as a list of small problems to work on, not one big problem.
Local Facebook groups are excellent at finding contacts and groups to join, and also who can tell you who to avoid, from their posts. Use your nearest local shop, our post office lady knows everyone. It is tough I only moved 16 miles and after 20 years in the same place it was strange that I knew no one locally, and because the children went to a different PC,RC, knew none of the people I saw out riding. I can not say I have ever been lonely, I have been on enough livery yards over the yards to be glad of the peace and lack of drama.

 

[tristar]

big changes need big efforts of adjustment.

you know what is lacking, now you need to do something about it, start today, do anything small, and think through what you need to do to get where you want to be, research places to ride, get someone to ride your other horse with you on hacks, find out when it quiet to ride out, plan an arena, and don`t build a silly fxarting small one, go large then you can work your horses anytime, big time

you`ve got what loads of people long for, don`t drop the bit in the last furlong, don`t collapse when you`re nearly there!

 

[blitznbobs]

I have compromised. I have my horses at home in the summer and on livery in the winter - I am lucky i can afford to do this ... i also have good hacking. keep going with the separation anxiety and just ignore it (I stable the other horse when i hack out so it doesn't try and jump out to follow. ) I have found if you keep doing short separations they get over it eventually... or get a mini so you have 3 and therefore no one is ever alone. Or the other compromise is to get a livery. This way, if you find the right person, you have some company, mitigate costs and have some help in an emergency or if it suits you both you can cover each others holidays etc (This depends on the person but this arrangement has worked well for me in the past.)

Sometimes you have to think laterally... could you spend some time teaching your horse to load. If time is taken I've never failed to teach one yet... And I've had some stubborn ones...

Keep going it gets better!

 

[dorsetladette]

I'm in a similar situation, my horses aren't at home but on my own piece of land. I have 2, one has terrible seperation anxiety and cant be left alone, this isn't something that will easily improve for my lad either. So I got a livery in. It means I can hack and livery can hack, but we can't hack together. Really I wanted 1 person with 2 horses so in effect a hacking buddy and a companion for the nit wit.

So, if you have enough room maybe you could advertise for 1 person with 2 ponies to share your 'dream' with you. You then have a hacking buddy and one to leave in the field with your other one. obviously you would have to be the one to compromise and not ride if your livery anted to take both there ponies out at the same time, but for me it is a workable compromise.

 

[shamrock2021]

I would love to have horse at home at least you can just walk out your back door and see your horse. Maybe as others have suggested give it year and see how you feel. Having horses on DLY in a livery yard when you have to drive makes it a lot harder and full livery is going to be very expensive if you have multiple horses.

 

[cally23]

What a shame this is not working out as you'd hoped. Is there not even a level-ish 20mx40m area? Could funds stretch to having an arena put it? (Tell your husband it will increase the value of the property?!) Do you have stables you can put the one you aren't riding in, they seem to settle better in on their own than galloping round the field...I thought my hacking was bad, when I moved a while ago, but have discovered that once you get the first roadwork bit out of the way, actually, it isn't bad at all, there are more permissive paths than I'd realised. Could you get a livery in? No extra costs for you, and company and a third horse? Could you build some cross country jumps on your hilly field, make a little course (It's amazing what a few pallets and old tyres can become, with a bit of basic DIY). Join a Riding Club, if you haven't already, meet people in your new area?

Thank you, yes everything you have said makes sense.

 

[cally23]

What a shame this is not working out as you'd hoped. Is there not even a level-ish 20mx40m area? Could funds stretch to having an arena put it? (Tell your husband it will increase the value of the property?!) Do you have stables you can put the one you aren't riding in, they seem to settle better in on their own than galloping round the field...I thought my hacking was bad, when I moved a while ago, but have discovered that once you get the first roadwork bit out of the way, actually, it isn't bad at all, there are more permissive paths than I'd realised. Could you get a livery in? No extra costs for you, and company and a third horse? Could you build some cross country jumps on your hilly field, make a little course (It's amazing what a few pallets and old tyres can become, with a bit of basic DIY). Join a Riding Club, if you haven't already, meet people in your new area?

Thank you, yes everything you have said makes sense.

Sorry to hear about this - but if it is any consolation I expect it is quite common to feel like this on first bringing horses home. But don't despair, give it some time and you might get to love it! In the meantime there are a few things you can do. The option of a grass livery is a good one, would it maybe fit 2 horses? If so you might find that you are able to get someone who will ride with you. Are your horses sensible types? If they are could you look for someone who is currently horseless and would like to hack out together on one of yours from time to time? Use the food obsession to your advantage. Try to feed the bad loader in the lorry, then progress to loading her, 5 minute drive, fed and unload.

I would also keep your eyes open for horsey people and approach them. There are probably others with horses at home or on DIY and you can ask them about hacking routes etc - chances are that someone will invite you to come along sometime - just look for the exhausted person with dirty t-shirt and hay in her hair at the local shop.

Good luck and chin up!

Thank you, I will take your advice

 

[bubsqueaks]

Thank you for taking the time to reply. My mare has always been a bit wary to load but the lorry I have now she absolutely loathes, yes i do think it is the lorry that has the problem. I am about to change it for a trailer and hope this will make a difference. I did loan a rescue pony, it went very wrong, he was only a baby and full on too much for me and also too much for my very quiet laid back cobs. He also kicked my Oh more than once, so he is adamant that we cannot have any more. There is a yard which brings horses back into work and has great hacking from their door. I had forgotten about it as I visited for a friend. I will enquire. I cannot see them going to livery full time as my OH would have a fit and also my health and stables etc are all here for them cost etc.

At least you're facing facts & being honest with yourself OP - I too think I have a lorry issue - what should have been a dream come true 6.5 ton is proving a problem with my currently bolshey connie as its proving difficult getting the partition over -3 past bad incidents on my part dont help either! So I too am going to try a trailer & see the difference.
We also keep our at home & yes whilst its lovely does as everything in life has its down sides - we are having to sell our connie as we cannot give him the work he needs through winter - hes the type that needs working everyday but lacking an arena & the confidence to load him to take him places.
Youre not alone with your dilemma & like most things in life there is a solution as people have suggestions on here.
Good luck.

 

[cally23]

I do sympathise with your position, it is horrible when things don't work out. However I do think here you are projecting your emotions onto your horses. Two horses together in a field have no reason to be bored, they have their friend, they aren't thinking they wish they were being ridden more. Same as when you were just hacking the mare, you can do lots of exercises out on a hack, I hack 95% of the time and bored ponies aren't ever an issue.
As for being food obsessed, they are cobs, it is to be expected.

Yes you are right! What i should have said is, that my mare is now extremely spooky and my pony is not much better. It is extremely quiet here, very beautiful and really I am blessed. The last livery we were on was next to a busy motorway, so they had screaming police and ambulance cars, noisy lorries and motorbikes. They are now scared of their own shadow. I need to start with a firm hand and groundwork. I have been emotional as I feel I am back to square one and I have no one but myself to blame. i think putting this down in words has shown me i need to crack on and find the enthusiasm I have lost.

 

[Tarragon]

I have recently met someone who posted on our local village FaceBook group, saying that she is thinking of moving into the area and wanted to know more about the local riding etc. I got in touch, and since then she has come up to stay in the village a few weekends and we have now been out for a few rides (and drives!) and this last weekend she brought her horse up for the weekend and we did a two day ride together! All that from her single post on Facebook, making enquiries.