Bloody whelks. Bloody self pity. Bloody tomatohead.

Felicity_09 said:
There are more things in heaven and earth, Echo Bravo
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy...

I suspect she maybe the product of experiments conducted by the US during the cold war into bio-weapons. Named Operation Starzaan it was a side branch to the Star Wars project.

What communist troops could withstand her morang wafting, sausage waving, whelly dance? The weapon was never put into mass production becasue a slight genetic flaw which means that Starzaans could be defeated by a bottle of 'Clairol's Rinse & Dry - with extra highlights'.
Click to expand...

It's far too early to be snorting with laughter, especially as I am in a bad mood, so kindly stop the funny stuff :mad:


:eek:



:D:D:D
 
My nemesis is Wella actually, get your facts straight missy!!

And a postcard from Aus would make my year, I want drawings and a song and everything please, I promise not to call you a raging tit if I get a postcard...


And how RUDE, the fellow idiot I was referring to was of course my consultant, not the FF, he doesn't have glasses the size of a house... he has a HEART the size of a house (if you know what I mean ehe eh ehehehehe)

Druggies stronger today.... led to a falling out of the wheelbarrow incident and landing in the mud... which resulted in me flailing about like a flailing thing and whacking Ed in the eye... which illicited much giggling on my part and a spectacular flounce on Ed's part....followed by his attempt to scoop me back into the wheelbarrow without touching the muddy bits.... this failed. A lot.

Now please shutup and shshhh because I'm very druggy and important and I'm watching masterchef AGAIN...and have wobbly jelly limbs...AGAIN.


I want turnip foam.

Someone make me turnip foam
 
Starzaan said:
I want turnip foam.

Someone make me turnip foam
Click to expand...


Tunip foam coming right up....!

p040.gif
 
just when you thought it couldn't get any better than a 'Starzaan post' we have 'Starzaan on Drrrrrrugs post' excellent ;)

As a totally sane (non drugged) individual with a psychology degree I can officially say:


Starzaan, you are BONKERS in the best way ever.

Everyone should have a Starzaan to make them smile, chuckle, giggle, splutter coffee and tea, cry with laughter at. You make very booring days, anything but boring :D:D:D

Mrs M: you are not much better either, you too have been put on the earth to make people chuckle.

If the two of you keep this up I won't be able to read this in work time anymore, I will be caught, tarred and feathered, dragged around the town and then stoned to death for being naughty and all no worky like by my bosses.
 
How rude. I would be an asset to any home... I have ocd, I'll put all your crap in straight lines and make sure the taps are turned off.

And I am OCCASIONALLY capable of being a normal, sane, serious human being...





actually...
























no I'm not.
 
You have OCD???
Oh you can come and stay at mine then. I dont have dripping taps, but if you could fix the drip on youngest son's nose, I'll front you that turnip foam!
 
do you make sure all the towels on the towel rack are all level and everything in the cupboards is facung front and nice and straight?

I'm thinking 'sleeping with the enemy'...


You are a freak of nature, and when you die they will pickle you in a jar and study you but my home is untidy so you can come and live with me I will make you turnip foam flavoured angel delight :)
 
queenbee said:
just when you thought it couldn't get any better than a 'Starzaan post' we have 'Starzaan on Drrrrrrugs post' excellent ;)

As a totally sane (non drugged) individual with a psychology degree I can officially say:


Starzaan, you are BONKERS in the best way ever.

Everyone should have a Starzaan to make them smile, chuckle, giggle, splutter coffee and tea, cry with laughter at. You make very booring days, anything but boring :D:D:D

Mrs M: you are not much better either, you too have been put on the earth to make people chuckle.

If the two of you keep this up I won't be able to read this in work time anymore, I will be caught, tarred and feathered, dragged around the town and then stoned to death for being naughty and all no worky like by my bosses.
Click to expand...

I don't think you need to be worried about tarred and feathered..... you need to watch Mrs M and perhaps the wibbly one..... upset them and Mrs M may well strap you into her back brace and set Starzaans mother on you armed with the sausages:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
 
hi Starzaan,
Glad to hear you're on the mend. please would you have an afternoon nap as I have some housework to do.

ps my computer has run out of capital letters.
pps where does mrs m get all her smilies from? i think she must run a smilie farm. that's why she is so cheerful.
 
The FF for one!!

I shan't have an afternoon nap, I shall try very very hard to stay awake and little bit with it so that I can irritate you.

Screw housework, come and watch tv that makes you ashamed to be a human with me! I have angel delight, sausages, and a Great Dane puppy who is determined to be as annoying as possible.... he found a tin of white paint....



my house is now white.
 
please try harder to be irritating, it's not working yet. daytime telly is only bearable if you are ill, or if you only have an aubergine, a pot of creme fraiche and fresh basil in the kitchen and need a suitable recipe to create a sumptuous supper for six. sick of housework doesn't count. and i've bought some ready made pizza for tea.
must clean out the lobby, have had a chicken living in it for three weeks and it is like the inside of a pillow in there.
 
I am officially cutting you out of my little book of people for having an aubergine in your house.

They are the food of satan, and you are a vile cretin and wee stain of a human if you eat them. I'm ashamed of you!


Go and think about what you've done while swallowing feathers, and I shall continue to learn how to spatchcock a chicken using a VERY LARGE CHICKEN CUTTING KNIFE.
mwahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

I broke the knob on the heating.... now I'm drugged up to the eyeballs and so hot that I think the morphine is boiling inside my veins. I've got the angel delight sweats.

Nice.
 
have some presents for you:

http://shuvecchadhaka.com/images/grapes.jpg

http://www.hashemian.com/blog/images/grapes.jpg

Shame this didn't happen to you a few days earlier, you could have gone out last weekend and scared all the children with no need to dress up ;)


If you are really bored then do a google search for fairy godmother tycoon on iwin games, its addictive, you get to research potions and sell lots of magicky things, there are magic carpet mats to steal customers away from others, persuasion trolls to hire to scare off competitors customers, and you sell potions to cure your customers of nakedness, being on fire, and having a swollen head. Its absolutley bonkers and just the type of thing for you to be playing in your drugged up state! Far more fun than daytime tv :D:D:D
 
i haven't got an aubergine - ive got pizza.
boiling morphine sounds more interesting, possibly not in your eyeballs.:eek:
try opening the window (do padded cells have windows?) but don't lean out.
 
I'm a grapist... only black grapes are real grapes. White grapes are black grapes with no balls.

Fact.


And my giant head is all gone now - I'm just bruised and high! I was at my worst on Sunday last week, so just in time to make small children cry... the "you won't need to dress up for Halloween" gag got a bit old after the squillionth person....
 
but I have been tres thoughtful, I knew you would b!tch if I got you one type of grapes so I go you both so you could choose, cos I is nice like that :)

And I have provided you with a fabulous way to pass your time, by saving the fairy godmother from bankrupcy and running a fabulous chain of magic emporiums. You can even learn how to make a Luuurrve potion and give it to FF then you won't be charged with date rape :D

Seriously though, when are you just going to grab him and snog his face off? (eurgh I hate that word!!) If he slaps you or pushes you back into a pile of muck and runs off with your mother to be hand fed sausages all his life and used as a slave for carnal pleasures, at least then your misery will end and you can get yourself a nice non distracting ugly farrier.

If you do not take action soon, someone else will, seriously there have been nights when I have read these posts and considered whether someone should contact all the farriers where in the Cotswolds and tell them there is a mad woman out there matching your description who is psychotic and in love with one of them. We all want you to at least make one majorly embarrassing go for him. I will even let you abuse whelks afterwards:D

http://www.beloblog.com/ProJo_Blogs/studentsabroad/bucket-400.jpg
 
I have not jumped him because a) I'm a wimp with no balls and b) he has a Miss FF. Which makes me very sad.

I ALMOST snogged his face off yesterday (I put it down to the drugs)... he did the hanging-around-for-half-an-hour-nattering thing that he's so good at before he left... I will never approve of his ri god damn diculous jeans - he pays money for jeans that already have holes in them. This makes me cross, especially when the holes are in ridiculous places like mid thigh, where, really, nobody is going to wear out their jeans! So he was showing me the strange maternity zip on his latest pair of crap jeans, which required a certain amount of leaning into the van... I have never been so tempted to whack out some casual face licking...

Sadly I just snorted and was rude about his jeans a bit more.









ALSO: he is perfectly aware that there is a mad woman ranting about him on here... and even more aware that said mad woman is me. So I'm going to put my head back in the whelk bucket and hope that he straps on a pair when he's on holiday, and comes back all single and ready to sweep me off my bed of pain.


We can all dream........
 
Damn woman...please just pin him down and lick his face!!! lick him all over...you can blame the drugs :P

How does he knows about your ranting on here.?...seeing as he stuck around for a chat after knowing all this surely means he wants to also participate in face licking fun????:D
 
He has mentioned the ramblings of this particular mad woman to several clients...

and may have been interrogated to within an inch of his life several times, by people like my mother....




and it's also blindingly obvious that I adore him.




Even dead moles know this.














I am currently thinking that he does not want to partake in any casual face licking, and that he is playing "be nice to the nutjob".


Ho hum pigs bums.
 
I have a thought Starzaan....if he knows about you and your morag wafting welly dancing ramblings, and has spoken to people about it - including sausage-weilding-mother - they maybe...just maybe... he isnt hanging around playing be nice to the nutjob, and is instead trying to work out a way of partaking in random facelicking and morag wafting??
Of course you could always make do with my slightly random ramblings and madlesbiany angel delight making?




Oh...any more of that nice morphine going? I think Ive cracked a rib! xx :)
 
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Postcard with the nessecary drawing, song and dance standing-by to be posted however as wonderful as Royal Mail is I dont think something addressed to:

Starzaan
c/o Morphine Asylum
Cotswolds,
England

Is going to make it ....

On the topic of drugs, my Grandmother (GM) was a district nurse, there was this one patient (OL=old lady) who was right at the end of her district so she shared the duty of visiting her with another nurse. Anyway the Dr put the OL who'd been a bit down on some new medication to be taken once a day. After a week she cheered up considerably and was very happy and chatty when ever my GM visited. One day when GM was leaving she asked:
OL: How long will the fish stay?
GM: <glancing careful round the room> What fish dear?
OL: Oh the ones swimming round the walls, they are very pretty but a bit disconcerting.
GM: Oh don't worry they will go in a coupple of days, the weather you know...

It turned out both my grandmother and the other nurse had been giving the old lady her medication and the poor woman had been high for the last fortnight and been kept company by fish and little birds.... :o
 
Rosehip said:
I have a thought Starzaan....if he knows about you and your morag wafting welly dancing ramblings, and has spoken to people about it - including sausage-weilding-mother - they maybe...just maybe... he isnt hanging around playing be nice to the nutjob, and is instead trying to work out a way of partaking in random facelicking and morag wafting??
Of course you could always make do with my slightly random ramblings and madlesbiany angel delight making?




Oh...any more of that nice morphine going? I think Ive cracked a rib! xx :)
Click to expand...

I like this thought. This is a GOOD thought.

Gold star for your thought. Now please tell him that that is his thought, and all thoughts henceforth shall be gooduns!

'Course you can have some morphine - they've trusted me to inject myself now, so I'm all over it.... you can have angel delight to take away the pain as well. If you've cracked a rib, you must stop breathing, looking with your eyes, hearing things, coughing, moving, basically, just stop existing for a bit 'cause it would seem you use your ribs for EVERYTHING. I think the most painful injury from my accident with Cadbury was the ribs....

Alternatively I could come and kick your arse to take your mind off the rib pain? I'm a ninja you know.


A tomatoheaded, drug filled ninja...



ETA - my body went a bit mental in hospital last week and couldn't cope with ANYTHING, not even the stick things on the heart monitors, so I ended up having an allergic reaction to those, quickly followed by an allergic reaction to one of the drugs they were giving me, so they gave me the hard stuff instead, and I was most definitely hallucinating for a few days....
No more visions, just a feeling of general wellbeing, wobbliness, fallen in the giggle pond, and the shakes like a mad thing...
 
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