Confidence crisis- regular user- new name embarrassed!

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beingachicken

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Hi I am a regular on here but do know a few people outside of hho aswell and tbh am really ashamed of myself right now:o
I have a new horse- i got it 2 weeks ago after trying it out properly hacking, schooling company, alone main roads, at speed etc etc
Now i have it home i cant get on it- i just cant, I feel really sick at the thought and there is an excuse every time. Last night i had planned to pull myself together and do it. Ended up falling out with my o/h and just putting the horse back in the field because i was in such a state about it.
I know why this has happened. I bought a "perfect" horse a few months ago and the second i got on his back he bolted and threw me off violently putting me in hospital. I thought i'd be fine on another horse and i was at its own yard but not in the same place as my accident with the same bridle and same saddle etc (thats really stupid i know!) its kind of like when ppl have lucky pants to compete in i guess!! I am convinced it will happen again.:(
I cant admit this to anyone as i am supposed to be this knowledgeable competent person and i'm just not right now.
I have to get on this horse- he's on a months trial which i am half way through by now- I cant afford to get the saddle checked and fitted properly and think its slightly narrow but until i know he's ok i cant afford to spend the money, esp after loosing a lot on the last new one!
I have also been told he may be a little sharp at first- which should be NO problem for me and if he was sharp after my first ride wont bother me but i cant get on................
Sorry if thats rambled, I'm seriously so stressy about this and at my wits end right now- coffee and cookies to anyone who made it to the end! (too early for wine;))
 
Theres no shame in having lost confidence, and I'm also quite relieved that you have this horse on trial!

You don't need to explain to the people he goes back to WHY he is not suitable for you, just say that your just don't think he is right for you, no worries there.

I understand about the saddle, but can you talk to the owners and say you think there is a problem? Because if there IS a problem with the saddle, it'll keep happening to the poor thing, whe he does on trial again....and will become a vicious circle.....

I'd try that first, ask them if they would consider getting his saddle checked out.....and take it from there.
 
Hi, I dont think there is a problem with the horse at all and i think he is the right horse- like i say i am usually confident and rode him no problems from theirs- Its more a mental thing of the first time getting on at mine after my accident (on the other horse who went back)
The saddle is mine- bought for the last horse. I need to use it just for the trial period then will get a saddler out and px it for a properly fitted one. Just cant risk doing that before i commit to buying!.
I really want a horse and this one is lovely like i say its my problem not his! Once i've got over this initial crisis things will be fine, I will be off and away...just need to get the handbrake unjammed!!
 
This is blunt but IMHO this is not the horse for you, send him back to his owners now.

Spend the next couple of months getting some lessons so that you are used to riding lots of different horses in lots of different situations and getting your head sorted. Then have another go at buying.

If you're a very competent rider as you suggest then if you buy the sort of plod you would be happy with now you are just going to have to go through all this again when you feel you have outgrown the abilities of any horse you buy now.
 
beingachicken said:
Hi, I dont think there is a problem with the horse at all and i think he is the right horse- like i say i am usually confident and rode him no problems from theirs- Its more a mental thing of the first time getting on at mine after my accident (on the other horse who went back)
The saddle is mine- bought for the last horse. I need to use it just for the trial period then will get a saddler out and px it for a properly fitted one. Just cant risk doing that before i commit to buying!.
I really want a horse and this one is lovely like i say its my problem not his! Once i've got over this initial crisis things will be fine, I will be off and away...just need to get the handbrake unjammed!!
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If that's really all that's stopping you why don't you ask the owners if you can borrow the saddle you tried him in, with a view to buying that as well?
I suspect it's more deep-rooted than that and my previous answer is more accurate though.
 
As DragonSlayer says, there's no shame in a having a confidence crisis so don't beat yourself up!
Do you have someone around that could ride the new horse for you the first time? Would the owner come and ride him for you?
Do the owners have a saddle that fits him that you could borrow?
Would walking him out in hand help for a start?
 
It sounds as if you are trying to rush a little,take your time and spend a while getting to know the horse ,some groundwork, lungeing or longreing let yourself learn to trust him before you try to get on.
If you could have someone,maybe not your OH if you wind each other up,to be there, use the saddle as a reason for someone to observe whether they think it fits ok. or arrange for a lesson,ask your instructor to ride and give an assessment of the horse.
If you are not happy maybe it is not the right horse or you are not yet ready for another one.
I would get the saddle looked at if possible as if the horse is uncomfortable he will have a reason to misbehave.
 
Echo DS there is no shame in having a confidence crisis, especially as you have had a nasty accident.
If you dont feel this horse is right for you send him back.
If you think he might be right, can you get a sympathetic friend or calm instructor to help out?and borrow a saddle that fits better? I 'lost a day' due to falling off at the beginning of the summer, it seems I may have gone head first into a fence post but I cant remember. I would quite happily have got on the pony I fell off as I cant remember what happened, but didnt want to get on my sharp TB as I could remember the last time I fell off him! The fall made me question everything I do I am no spring chicken and have a family to look after, I didnt realise how much I had analysed and perhaps thought a bit too much! OH usually very calm and extremely patient with his clients, but not with me:rolleyes: actually realised how cut up I was and really helped me by letting me go at my own pace, first time I got on and got straight off, second time walked once round the school. Now i feel much better and ready to try competing again.
Have said all of this I know how you are feeling, but it can be over come, it does take time though.
Feel free to pm me if you like, if you are anywhere near to me I would be happy to help, if you think I can:)
 
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beingachicken said:
The saddle is mine- bought for the last horse. I need to use it just for the trial period then will get a saddler out and px it for a properly fitted one. Just cant risk doing that before i commit to buying!
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The saddle thing - agree about borrowing his old tack - don't set yourself up for a fall by using a saddle which doesn't fit and could be uncomfortable/painful for the horse.
 
Thank you all!
The saddle i tried him in certainly didnt fit- his owners admitted it was an awful fit and they just used a thick front riser and prolite underneath- Its worse than mine!:rolleyes:
I have lunged him and was pleasantly surprised he is the easiest to lunge horse i have ever come across, very responsive and perfectly behaved.
I had intended to give it ago quietly this morning but its absolutely hammering down!
I want to get on- I see fields and think what perfect canters they will be and pass lovely bridleways etc- I already have another horse who i have continued to ride as usual- due to health problems his time left is limited and he is partly retired- we just ride when he's ok to provide a life for him:(
 
Echo borrowing old saddle as one hurdle out of the way.
I would just get someone else to sit on him for the first time and see how he goes.
BTW, he isn't a big dark bay 6yo with a Z suffix by any chance is he?
 
jemima_too said:
This is blunt but IMHO this is not the horse for you, send him back to his owners now.

Spend the next couple of months getting some lessons so that you are used to riding lots of different horses in lots of different situations and getting your head sorted. Then have another go at buying.

If you're a very competent rider as you suggest then if you buy the sort of plod you would be happy with now you are just going to have to go through all this again when you feel you have outgrown the abilities of any horse you buy now.
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I wouldnt say i'm a "very competant" rider as such but i know really i am more than capable of this horse- only last week i was flat out across a huge field on him by ourselves after negotiating very busy roads and other obstacles to get there- I purposely took him places i thought may freak a horse out to see how he reacted and he took it all in his stride.
 
Find a friend who you trust to get on your new horse and if you have one that you are already riding, go out for a ride together, then you can see his behaviour, if good, it'll give you confidence to get on, if scary, then you can return him to the owner with no damage done!
 
JunoXV said:
Echo borrowing old saddle as one hurdle out of the way.
I would just get someone else to sit on him for the first time and see how he goes.
BTW, he isn't a big dark bay 6yo with a Z suffix by any chance is he?
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He's not no! I had thought that but it required telling someone!
 
i think you are right not to get on this horse, if i feel like that i say no thanks, until prooved otherwise, the horse will pick up on your feelings, you owe it to him not to have a bad experience, you sound like you are not ready yet, but you will get over this in time
 
Have you actually ridden anything since yr accident? If not, I would say to go and ride, just a plod, to get the feel back. Then, once yr confidence is returning, go slowly with the new one! I know the fields look great at the mo for a good blast, but they will be there this time next year to enjoy!
 
Is there any way at all you can borrow a saddle that you know fits (which will make you feel better about riding the horse for starters) and get someone confident/experienced that can be with you while your doing stuff with him, sometimes just having some company can really help even if their just there to talk to or even take it in turns to ride him.

Everyone looses their nerve at some point specially after a bad fall etc and learning to gain the trust of a new horse, you wouldn't be human if you didnt.
 
It sounds to me like you have a mild form of post traumatic stress disorder, but it's difficult to make an accurate diagnosis on the net:rolleyes: It will take a while until you feel safe, and what you feel is perfectly normal and natural, but you WILL feel better. Perhaps, and don't take this the wrong way, you could seek counselling via your GP (either CBT or solution focused? I would.

In the meantime, we are all here on H & H to chat. Pm me if you anytime, if you like.
 
benson21 said:
Have you actually ridden anything since yr accident? If not, I would say to go and ride, just a plod, to get the feel back. Then, once yr confidence is returning, go slowly with the new one! I know the fields look great at the mo for a good blast, but they will be there this time next year to enjoy!
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I have ridden my other horse but have been riding him for years and he could throw anything at me!
I also rode my friends youngster out who i helped break in so again know well but he's quite lively and i did feel slightly nervous on him at first (although continued to hack him out alone successfully)
 
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Is there any way at all you can borrow a saddle that you know fits (which will make you feel better about riding the horse for starters) and get someone confident/experienced that can be with you while your doing stuff with him, sometimes just having some company can really help even if their just there to talk to or even take it in turns to ride him.

Everyone looses their nerve at some point specially after a bad fall etc and learning to gain the trust of a new horse, you wouldn't be human if you didnt.

Good luck with him, try to get a saddle sorted and have someone their you can trust to give you a hand, you'll soon get back to your normal self, just take it slowly.:)
 
Just take things slowly.
Lunge him first if he can be a bit sharp at first and then hop on :) Get someone to come into the school/down the road etc with ypu. Bring a leadrope if needs be, get the person on the ground to keep chatting to you and you would be amazed how much you relax :)
Also get an instructor out. Ask them for say a 45min lesson and they ride for the first half of it, put the horse through his paces and get him settled, then you get on for some gentler cooling off work :)

I know what its like with loosing your confidence and all of those things helped me alot :)
 
If he's so good at lungeing why not get someone to lunge him with you onboard. You'll be in the safety of the school and with a lunge rein attached. Then build up to going out for a hack with someone walking with you. It could just be that first "getting on" and once you've done a few things the confidence will come back - you know you can do it - you did when you tried him!

Good luck
 
beingachicken said:
I wouldnt say i'm a "very competant" rider as such but i know really i am more than capable of this horse- only last week i was flat out across a huge field on him by ourselves after negotiating very busy roads and other obstacles to get there- I purposely took him places i thought may freak a horse out to see how he reacted and he took it all in his stride.
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I thought you'd had it two weeks and not got on it yet?

Sorry, if you are currently riding another horse and can't get on this one then he's not for you. Please don't think I am belittiling your problem, as I am the same. I find the thought of getting on ANY horse terrifying, even though we have the most sane and sensible mare you could hope to meet and have owned her for, I think, four years now. I do ride her, it's worse if I don't ride for a while, but I always have the fear running through my head and body.
 
Hi, I do understand and have been there crying and ashma attacks through fear, but there is only 1 way to fix it. GET ON THE DAMN HORSE!! You can. You have before. Just get on. Lightening doesn't tend to strike twice, just walk it round the school and get off, then tommorrow have a trot. You will kick yourself if he goes back because you can't get on it.

Good luck, sympathy and cakes AFTER you ride him!
 
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Jemima too, I picked up on that too! So, after spotting that you have gone flat out in a field presumably on a different horse, then maybe this one just isnt for you.
 
Re: unjamming the handbrake . . . try breaking it down. I can so relate to how you feel just now . . . after six months of owning and riding my lovely boy we hit a massive bump and I became terrified of riding him - just the thought of sitting on his back brought me out in a cold sweat! What worked for me was help - and lots of it. I made appointments for a horsey friend to come out and help (making the appointments meant I had a commitment). At first, she held him while I got on, continued to hold him and lead us in a small circle away from mounting block and then I got off. Then we did it again. And again. I am now more than happy to get on on my own and ride him in the field. I can't believe the progress we've made.

Seriously, break it down into manageable chunks . . . and then give yourself a stretch goal (even if it's tiny) for each time you get on.

Good luck.

P
 
Benson and Jemima - I read it that the OP has taken this horse across the fields "flat out" but this was when she was trying him from his own yard and the problem is now that she has him back at her yard. I could be mistaken though
 
Sounds to me like it is the perceived pressure of him maybe being your next horse that is freaking you out.

You have already ridden him fast across the fields and negotiated some things that could have been scary, but he took it in his stride. I think you are feeling pressurised and you are scared things will go wrong again.

My advice, is take things slowly - yes, you have a time limit, but I am great believer in if he is meant for you, things will work out, but you have to take the pressure off in the meantime.

Focus on the positives you have already experienced with this horse - write it down (I have a positive experiences horse diary, where I only write down the good stuff, so I can go back and look at it if I get a wobble - over the past year it has only ever been good stuff, so you can get there) and think only of the fun you are going to have NOT the bad things that you think MAY happen.

If you want to get on him, just make it a couple of minutes if necessary. Just get on and then straight back off again. Maybe take a few steps away from the mounting block, assess how you feel and go from there.

I know what it is like to have a horse completely destroy your confidence, but I can say, hand on heart that you can get it back, but you have to be gentle on yourself and give yourself time - try not to push yourself too much and do things at your own pace. If you think this horse is a good, genuine horse, that you can have fun with, he will wait for you to get back on track again. Mine did, even now, if I have a wobbly day, he turns into a plod, but if he feels I am up for it, we canter round the woods jumping logs at a much faster pace!

Good luck, and take care of yourself and trust that you know what is right for you.
 
Double_choc_lab said:
Benson and Jemima - I read it that the OP has taken this horse across the fields "flat out" but this was when she was trying him from his own yard and the problem is now that she has him back at her yard. I could be mistaken though
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Quite possibly, but she has had him on trial for two weeks and it was last week she was riding flat out, maybe a slip of the fingers.

Support and advice still given though.
 
Dealing with confidence is a main part of riding, not an unfortunate side issue. EVERYONE who rides past a certain age has to deal with it to a lesser or greater extent.

I don't think you will regain your confidence until you admit you have lost it.

To me, your main concern seems to be how people regard you .... IMO until you learn to focus on riding for yourself and not worrying about what they think, you are making it so much harder on yourself.

What you will find is that while some (young mainly) may not be impressed, the people who are probably going to be your future riding friends will confess that they too have confidence issues from time to time.

So be brave and face up to it - only then can you deal with it!!
 
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