Confidence crisis- regular user- new name embarrassed!

Serephin said:
Sounds to me like it is the perceived pressure of him maybe being your next horse that is freaking you out.

You have already ridden him fast across the fields and negotiated some things that could have been scary, but he took it in his stride. I think you are feeling pressurised and you are scared things will go wrong again.

My advice, is take things slowly - yes, you have a time limit, but I am great believer in if he is meant for you, things will work out, but you have to take the pressure off in the meantime.

Focus on the positives you have already experienced with this horse - write it down (I have a positive experiences horse diary, where I only write down the good stuff, so I can go back and look at it if I get a wobble - over the past year it has only ever been good stuff, so you can get there) and think only of the fun you are going to have NOT the bad things that you think MAY happen.

If you want to get on him, just make it a couple of minutes if necessary. Just get on and then straight back off again. Maybe take a few steps away from the mounting block, assess how you feel and go from there.

I know what it is like to have a horse completely destroy your confidence, but I can say, hand on heart that you can get it back, but you have to be gentle on yourself and give yourself time - try not to push yourself too much and do things at your own pace. If you think this horse is a good, genuine horse, that you can have fun with, he will wait for you to get back on track again. Mine did, even now, if I have a wobbly day, he turns into a plod, but if he feels I am up for it, we canter round the woods jumping logs at a much faster pace!

Good luck, and take care of yourself and trust that you know what is right for you.
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^^^^^ This :)

There are many who feel/have felt the same way so don't think you are the only one or a failure.

I'm working through some similar confidence issues. I've gone from terrified of getting on any horse to being able to jump on other peoples horses to now riding my own but not on my own...... yet.

I understand totally the own horse thing and there have been some great suggestions, especially having someone else riding your horse whilst you watch then you jump on. It really does work to see your horse being ridden, what they do, what they'll react to etc.

The weird thing is, and possibly how you are feeling, I would have had no problem getting on mine if she wasn't mine :rolleyes:

Take baby steps. Have a friend or instructor to help you. Even for the first time if you just mount, walk for 5 or 10 mins then get off, it's a step in the right direction. Then the next day walk for 30 mins, the next trot etc. Take it at your own pace but still push yourself a little each time.

You'll get there, the fact that you've posted here, not given up shows that :)
 
I have been in exactly this situation, except I had bought mine and couldn't send it back!

I bought her and went about tracing her history as she was sold as a project, unfortunately what I got to hear wasn't good, but the icing on the cake was a vet report saying she was showing dangerous behaviour under saddle.

I had everything checked and sorted but when it came to get on I couldn't, I would stand on the block and shake. It even got to the point where my confidence issues with the mare began to feed into my riding my gelding (who I have owned forever). I had not been a nervous rider before!

I have pushed on with her because of her past issues but 3 years on and riding her still really tries my confidence from time to time, even to last night because it was my first proper ride in her new WOW saddle and had some terrible fear she would hate the flair and chuck me off.

I have noticed that if other things are getting me down, eg I have had a row with OH, that it really does feed into my confidence riding my mare.

I understand you are concerned about what your friends may think (I was the same) I would suggest you find an instructor / someone who advertises as a rider that is unknown to your friends and ask them to come out to help you in confidence. You don't even have to tell them that you are having confidence problems yourself you could just say you have a horse on trial and would like someone to come and ride him so you can have a look at him working at home from the ground.

If you can see X riding this horse in your saddle at your home and doing nothing wrong then it should do wonders for your confidence, they can tell you how he feels and you can see how he is reacting.
 
hi hun

Like others have said, don't beat yourself up!!

I am always like this. I go try a horse and I get a friend to ride them first, if they behave for her I get on :D

Then I get them home and am scared to get on as i| know they can react so differently in a new place. So I own up to someone and get them to ride first. Once I see the horse is fine I then ride for me this is then problem solved :D

Maybe you could be honest with your instructor, or an outside instructor. Even consider getting the owner to come ride him for you. as you say you need to do this soon!!

Occasionally if for some reason horse hasn't jumped in ages I may even get someone else to jump him first, then me

I finally got over the jumping part and jumped him myself the other day :D
 
God this is me!!

The exact thing happened with my new horse - waking up in the night feeling sick about getting on etc etc etc. First time I got on my mum was there and I was absolutely messing myself. I got on him and all he did was shift his weight from one foot to the other, and I nearly jumped off!!

I got so I could ride round the paddock with my mum! Then I had trouble getting him to hack out alone, many of you offered me advice with this, and now we are hacking down the road for miles!

I think its fear of the unknown, it takes a while to get to know a new one, and what they are likely to do in situations, just take small steps and always try to end on a good note. Now when my boy does anything, I am firm and bossy with him and he does as he is told, and dealing with his issues has actually made me more confident as I can handle his paddies now!

But at least if he is on trial, you can always give him back! as a previous poster has also said, I'd already bought mine!
 
Small steps. Can you just sit on him in the yard, do not go anywhere just sit for a minute and get off. Build it up slowly, sit for a bit longer progressing to a few steps etc. It sounds like the horse has done nothing wrong and if you have bought him it would be unfair on the previous owners to try and send him back (unless you have an agreed arrangement).
Take your time, confidence is easy to break, you have tried this boy and know what he is like otherwise you wouldn't have bought him.
Would boxing him somewhere neutral help? borrow a better fitting saddle for now.
Don't be pushed into anything and don't worry about what other people think/say, everyone has confidence issues at some stage.
 
Great advice on here.

An obvious non-horse, but never the less an high impact factor seen running through this is the shortage of time.

You say you have to make your mind up to buy and that you are already half way through the trial time? There's your pressure point then. Take this away and it will come right.;)
 
I think confidence is a very fragile thing, I am sure lots of people suffer in silencebut it so easy to go outside our comfort zones and you do from you posts seem very tied to a short time frame.

You are obviously happy with animals you trust - like your older boy, so you are still able to be a confident rider. Maybe because your last new horse gave you a bad experience trusting another new one is hard. I think give him and you a chance. I echo the advice about ground work and see if someone can lend you a saddle. Take each day as it comes, and woolly as it may sound try some relaxation exercises - deep breathing or meditating.

Good luck and I hope it works out either way
 
I get why you've used another username, and I do understand how you feel, but I'm sure that people who know you, know your story anyway (the new horse, the fall, and now this new horse on trial) so have probably worked out who you are. Nobody will judge you for it at all, we've all been there. Not long after my old boy retired, I leapt off my friend's total gent of a horse (like a Frankie Dettori celebration dismount) because he swished his tail and "looked funny" and refused to get back on him for a month:rolleyes:. I'm now competing the same horse! I'm sure that if you come clean, those who know you in real life will only be too happy to help you - and that's exactly what you need at the moment - some knowledgable, objective help. Good luck.
 
I would get someone else to ride him in the school for you so you can watch and see that he isn't going to do anything silly.
After your friend has ridden, just lean on him from a mounting block, then gradually build up to putting your foot in stirrup and swing over, having your friend hold him all the time and reasurring you. Once you get on get your friend to just walk you round the school a few circuits. Halt and dismount. Try the same again the following day (having a friend ride first) and maybe add a few steps of trot in at the end. If you build up very slowly you should gently gain confidence from this.
I do appreciate you don't have a lot of time before deciding on this horse, but I would strongly advise you not to buy it if your confidence is still at rock bottom by the end of the trial period. A nervous rider will only penetrate this to the horse and you'll be asking for all sorts of problems then.
Good luck, its hard to take that first step - but once you've done it you will feel fantastic!!!!
 
Do you really like this horse and feel that he will try for you? If not, I think it is only fair on him that you return him. Say he's lovely, but not for you and you don't want to mess them around.

However, if you do really like him this is a plus. Have you a friend who will ride him out whilst you go along on a horse you are happy on or even a bike. Once you can see him being ridden away from home safely a couple of times you could progress to swapping with your friend and riding him even if only for a few minutes.

I'll bet there's hardly anybody on this forum who hasn't had a confidence crisis at some time or another, but for some reason lots of us don't want to "come out" about it!

Have you ever thought about trying Bach Rescue Remedy - it can help to relax your nerves.

PS I am a bit confused about your post saying you rode him flat out on your own a week ago.
 
oh bless you, big hugs, i really sympathise. i bought a horse 18 months ago that was supposed to be my ideal and the first time I went to get on him at home he bronced me off as i adjusted my stirrups. I persisted but ended up on crutches a few weeks later, wish id listened to my gut instinct but i felt trapped, id bought him and there was no going back.:o It wrecked my confidence though so i truly know how you feel.

I did end up with another horse though, who was fabulous for my confidence, so dont worry you will get there. I have to say though, he did a job for me but after a year I was wanting more and moved on to the horse I have now who Im loving to bits. I wouldnt have been fit for him a year ago though.

With regards the horse you have on trial now - id advise getting an instructor out to your yard that you trust. Ask them to ride the horse for you in the school and then you will be able to get on having seen that he/she behaves and also with the security of an RI being there. I know this always helps me as I feel ive passed the burden to someone else in a way. Get as many lessons as you can in your trial period too.

chin up, it happens to the best of us:D
 
Don't put so much pressure on yourself. They are unpredictable animals and a bad experience is bound to knock your confidence, you would be mad if it didn't.
I have had times where I have been scared to death to get on mine and once I was visibly shaking, the funny thing is once your actually on your usually fine, it is just that we build it up in our minds.
If I were you I would spend a couple of days lunging and long reining the horse (in its saddle) to build a bit of a rapport.
Then lunge before you get on and have someone help you get on and talk to you while you walk around.
There is absolutely no shame in asking for help, we all need it sometimes and no one will think any less of you.
Best of luck
 
Ok- I have just got back from the yard sorting them out for the day and read all these replies! wow!

yes as a few of you have picked up on i made a mistake- thats all it was nothing dodgy or troll like ;) I rode him out last a week before i took him on- ie I rode him out from the owners home and then picked him up a week later. Since then he's been at my yard a fortnight and i have discovered my issue!

I think writing it all down instead of it all going round my head helped lots as did everyones advice. The ones that mainly hit home was the not fair on the horse and give it back (although i didnt like them ;))
So i got him in and tacked him up....very very carefully telling myself i wasnt getting on just adjusting the tack etc:o
He was so good i decided maybe i'd lunge him and *consider* getting on...so i borrowed my daughters body protector and neck strap and realised no where to lunge anyway:mad:
Stacked a few bales of shavings to see how he reacted to me leaning over- Not easy in a body protector:rolleyes:
Then i got on, I actually didnt realize HOW scared i was my heart was pounding, my hands were wet and i was physically shaking all over. He was fine- just stood til i asked him to move on, Off we went a hundred yards or so and i know something is wrong...........:eek:NO HAT:eek:- leap off, back to the yard hat on and off we go again. Very short hack he behaved perfectly and i just literally felt relief like a wave :o- (poor horse is wondering what the hell sort of owner he has ended up with!)
will do a proper hack tomorrow, maybe with someone else and see how that go's but major hurdle over and very very very happy:D:D:D
Thanks you all xx
 
Well Done!!

I've recently got a new horse and I understand where you are coming from with your confidence.. I was more confident riding at his old place than I was when I brought him home!!

I think you just have to take a deep breath and get on with it.. I think the trick is to not push yourself (or the horse) too far in the new environment - My boy had a panic attack when I first tried to get on him, So I resorted to a bit of groundwork first and that calmed his nerves (and mine!!) :)

Good Luck!! xx
 
Hi, I haven't read any replies, so sorry if repeating others.

It happens to the best of us at some point so you shouldn't feel embarrassed.

I bought a new pony last year, was fine trying it out, but when I got him home, I just couldn't get on him, as irrational as the fear was, it was also very real.

Was about 2 months before I did, I paid someone else to ride him, and took lessons at a riding school to build confidence, then I had lessons on him. We got there in the end.

Patience is key, but as you have the horse on trial, its pressurising you which you just don't need.

How about getting an instructor out, or a trusted friend to even just walk with you to start with?
At 38 I had to be led with a lead rope the first time, blind panic would have hit me if my friend had let go.

I feel a nonse now when I think back, but at the time I was in a hell of a state, and its really not nice :(
 
WELL DONE !!!

so relieved as i read through the thread I thought you were going to send him back when it does sound like you would have an issue getting on any horse at your place after what happened.

keep the momentum up - even if you only go out for 10 mins - make it the norm again to get on everyday if possible so it is no big deal and you will soon be back to your old confident self again
 
Well done for riding him today! :)

Im normally a very confident rider as well, riding lots of different horses everyday.
Earlier in the year I had a new one rear over with me. I got back on it but it had terrifed me and I couldnt continue riding. Even getting on ones that I knew where perfectly safe I was uneasy... I couldnt ride the horse that had reared over for a few weeks after that.
I continued riding the 'safe' ones building my confidrnce back up. Eventually I got the courage to get back on that horse but only rode in the indoor school, and at first only trotted... Anyway, my point is even for the bravest of us things can and do go wrong!
I believe you will get your confidence back quicker than you would think jus by sitting on your horse and goin for a walk. :) And the suggestion of watching someone ride him and seeing him behave well is also a good idea. (My mum rode the one that scared me and seeing him be good did make it slighlty easier for me to get back on)

Hope the rest of your trial goes well. :D
 
Yea well done, it takes guts to get through stuff like this, I did the forgot hat thing when I was trying to get back into it after my accident, hope things all work out, don't be worried about loss of confidence, it's a normal thing with the horsey game.
 
Call or email Ken Scott http://ashesscott.com/change/, he has shown me one or two techniques for getting specific incidents that have caused confidence issues back into perspective and letting you move on, I'd try to describe it here but think you'd be better getting it from him in this instance. Issues like this can hit us all, but you can get over it.
 
Darn pregnancy hormones made me well up reading this!

Well done on riding, that is brilliant. I lost more than just my bottle and it took me a good 13 months to get back in the saddle. And the longer you leave it the worse it gets. It turned out that the horse that threw me had ligament damage in his back so was in pain but he really did nearly kill me. In the end, hubby bought me my dream horse for Xmas last year but he had to ride him to start with so I could see he was safe and then I would only ride on a lead rope. Even just walking off I was terrified, I remember saying as I got on "ohmygoditsmoving"lol, poor soul was only breathing! Then one day scheming hubby "forgot" the lead rope and since then riding is like a drug, I get a high from making it back to the field in one piece.

I'm still not perfect and will never be as good a rider as most people on here but that first hurdle is the highest!

Good luck xx :)
 
I think the crisis is over! Obviously it will take a while before we are properly ok together but it was the actual getting on i was afraid of and i did it twice! (one hatless then again with hat:rolleyes:)
I have never felt anything like that before though and have real respect now for those of you who had ongoing confidence issues and overcame them.
If i felt like that every time i had to ride i just couldn't do it so hats off to you guys!- I like to think i have always been sympathetic to anyone suffering nerves but never "really knew" what they were going through.

Thank you all so much for your kind words and encouragement- this site is fabulous ;)
beingachicken is signing out.......................:D
 
Old Bat said:
Find a friend who you trust to get on your new horse and if you have one that you are already riding, go out for a ride together, then you can see his behaviour, if good, it'll give you confidence to get on, if scary, then you can return him to the owner with no damage done!
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I echo this suggestion.
If you decide that all is well, start very slowly. Get on, get off the first time, then ride at a walk round an enclosed area the second time and then take it from there. Make sure that you have a sympathetic friend available and try not to worry too much about your perfectly normal loss of confidence.

ETA I've just read the rest of the thread and see that you have been riding. Well done!
 
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Well done :D:D:D

If this happends again i wouldnt keep it bottled up, I was terrified of my first horse as he threw my mum off for no reason and she was badly hurt.

After i sold him to a knowledagble home an older very experiened lady from the yard asked me why my horse had been sold, i blurted everything out and cried because i have lost the 'perfect' horse i wanted since i was 5 years old (i was in my mid 20's)

She admitted that she had a broken rib as her horse had thrown her off and she was nervous about riding again. I could not believe that she would ever have any issues with her horse or her nerves!!! After this various other riders who seemed to have perfect horses and perfect relationships with them told me about there issues and problems and one told me she had told everyone her horse couldnt be ridden when it was perfectly healthy she was just too scared :eek:

My point is you are not alone and although your horsey yard friends may seem like they are having a perfect time with there perfect horse they are probably a bag of nerves too!

Share your worries and fears and i am sure they will too
 
Well done, for getting onboard:D I Know its not easy
I had a wee crisis after my girl a stressy tb was on box rest for 4 months, in hand walking needed sedalin she was so wired but she still managed to corkscrew and double barrel me, connecting with my head ( hat on ) :D but successfully connected with my arm bursting it and although double the size no break and 4 sutures.
I was a bag of nerves at times walking her and when i got the go ahead to get on, had it in my head she was going to go nuts.
I have rode some real characters and in the past wouldnt have just jumped on, but not this time, i had to ask my coach to come and be with me the first time i got back on as i was scared .....5 hits of rescue remedy and i was on her and riding away, she never put a foot wrong, i thought my heart was going to burst out my chest, but coach kept asking questions about nothing in particular to make me breath and relax....get some lessons on your new horse until you feel more relaxed, it will fall into place again :)
 
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