Dealing with a liveries that dont like me/making my life miserable

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EJP15

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I've been on my yard a year and there's been issues with other liveries seemingly not liking me for reasons I don't understand. Recently one of the oldest liveries age/time on yard has started to pick on me. She's always having a go at me, shouts at me, ignores me.

She's even deleted me off Facebook and started posting stuff about me. I've tried to ask her if I've upset her but she just ignored this. I've spoken to YO but she doesn't believe me.

Please help as I have mental health issues and Autism/ADHD and I don't have a life other than my ponies. I don't leave the house often (horses are on full livery most days) and this is making me not want to go at all.
 
I'm really sorry to hear this. I hope you are OK. That sounds horrible. People's behaviour can be totally mystifying at times. I don't have much advice - I spent only a few weeks at a livery yard and ran away screaming! I rent a field now. But can you work out the routine of the one who is being so unkind and go at different times?
 
Really sorry you are going through this. It's hard for neuro diverse people - my sons are both on the spectrum, and they can sometimes appear rude without meaning to. But sadly even without an excuse some people just pick up the "different" vibe and see a good opportunity to bully. Is there another livery you get on better with, who you can ask what you've done to upset this other livery? There may be nothing, she may just be a nasty person. It's often the longest standing livery who seems to think they rule, and causes the problems.

If your YO doesn't believe you can you get evidence? I assume somebody must have told you what she's posting on FB, so would they send you some screenshots?

What is the livery having a go at you about? If it's yard rules that you've broken or things that you've done that inconvenience her, then maybe modifying your behaviour would help. But she doesn't have the right to shout at you. She sounds like a 4 year old!

There are other threads on here about this issue, so maybe have a look and it might reassure you that you're not alone! There are also lots of helpful suggestions, like wearing headphones so you don't have to listen to her. But sometimes the only solution is to find a nicer, more supportive yard. It's unfair that one person makes you leave, but for your own wellbeing that may be the best solution.
 
Im so sorry you are going through this.

People can exhibit very worrying bullying behaviour. This type of person lacks empathy or is jealous of you and 'gets off' on your distress. I know, I was severely bullied through school, constant name calling and physical abuse when one would yank my hair whilst the other would knee me in the kidneys. This was jealousy for certain.

Bullying changes the person completely, I certainly changed and became withdrawn and anxious and its affected my life even now.

You need to ask them why they are doing this to you. They will display defective behaviour for sure, but bullies always do. If you challenge them in a non aggressive manner they might be able to see you for who you are and try and understand how much it's effecting you.

I personally wouldn't leave because it's like letting them win and why should they drive you away? But only you can make that decision. Headphones like compony suggests is a brilliant idea. If they start on you try and walk away.

I hope you get it sorted, as I know how much it can destroy you x
 
Maybe the older livery has mental health issues herself or is also neurodiverse. Older people missed out on all the diagnoses and support that happens nowadays and had to struggle to find their own way through life. Maybe that’s her way of coping 🤷

People aren’t generally just nasty for the sake of it. Perhaps just ignore her and enjoy the friends that you do have at the yard. x
 
dreamcometrue said:
Maybe the older livery has mental health issues herself or is also neurodiverse. Older people missed out on all the diagnoses and support that happens nowadays and had to struggle to find their own way through life. Maybe that’s her way of coping 🤷

People aren’t generally just nasty for the sake of it. Perhaps just ignore her and enjoy the friends that you do have at the yard. x
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I don't agree with this - the outcome at least, no idea about the diagnosis. Bullying isn't ok even if someone has their own problems, nor is it ok for the YO not to believe you (do you have any evidence you can show? The stuff she has posted, if it is clearly about you?).

If she shouts at you or is otherwise unpleasant, get out your phone and video her. If you can, stand up for yourself rather than be apologetic (unless there is something to apologise for, in which case do it simply).

Can you move yard? Some places are toxic. If the ponies are on full livery and you aren't there much, find somewhere you do want to be.

I have a lovely girl at my yard who was bullied at her previous yard because she couldn't be there much even though the horse was on full livery. She's timid and sweet and it's an absolute pleasure to see her enjoying him when she can make it to the yard, and no one is nasty to her here. Please put yourself first, and find something better than this. You do deserve it.
 
dreamcometrue said:
Maybe the older livery has mental health issues herself or is also neurodiverse. Older people missed out on all the diagnoses and support that happens nowadays and had to struggle to find their own way through life. Maybe that’s her way of coping 🤷

People aren’t generally just nasty for the sake of it. Perhaps just ignore her and enjoy the friends that you do have at the yard. x
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She can find another way of coping.

I do give a certain amount of grace to people who are... abrasive, shall we say, who might just have no idea how they come across but that grace has to have an end point where they are making other people miserable.

My advice is keep yourself right, keep just being polite and courteous, and stay out of her way as much as possible, and look around for other places that might suit you.

If it helps you to look for a "why" then it might be she has control issues and she is trying to control your behaviour, or she is just taking out her own insecurities on you, or she just likes the feeling of power that bullying someone gives her. All of these things are pathetic from a grown woman. I find a "why" helpful as it puts someone's behaviour into context as THEIR behaviour that they have to take ownership over. It isn't actually about you and you don't have to think about it or care about it, her behaviour is her business.

I am sorry you're being put through this. I don't understand why it is so hard for some people to manage a baseline politeness!!
 
Sympathies, OP. I have grown up with various people taking an instant dislike to me for my bluntness (also neurodiverse). A recent study did confirm that NT people are more likely to instantly dislike ND than other NT people. The problem therefore lies with the other livery, not you (assuming you're not doing anything wrong). As suggested, block her on social media, if anyone does try to pass on bitchy comments that they've seen, ask what they're trying to achieve. This is sh*t stirring and they are not being helpful. You will come to accept that not everyone will like you. That's ok (after all, you don't like everyone, either!). It's a problem only when they manifest that dislike through lack of courtesy or respect, but as I say, that is THEIR problem. Ignore/shrug and move on.
 
Block on all media platforms. Get yourself a pair of noise cancelling headphones and pop them on with your fave book/boxeset/music playing and just get on with your horse.

Lock up you stuff, put your name on all your feed bags, shavings and put a tarp and rope on your hay/straw.

I got lockable boxes and my dad made me a yale lock secured tack locker and I got padlocks for all my boxes and that sent a message more than anything that I won’t be tolerating any nonsense. It has driven the two I have issues with crazy that I don’t respond, engage and they can’t get to my stuff to do anything to it as it’s just obvious now that it’s them to all the liveries and YO. I also have my helmet cam set up in an obvious place whenever I’m working my my boy, they see it sitting on my hat in full view and it discourages any nonsense.
 
dreamcometrue said:
Maybe the older livery has mental health issues herself or is also neurodiverse. Older people missed out on all the diagnoses and support that happens nowadays and had to struggle to find their own way through life. Maybe that’s her way of coping 🤷

People aren’t generally just nasty for the sake of it. Perhaps just ignore her and enjoy the friends that you do have at the yard. x
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I'm old too, nearly 40 and only got my diagnoses recently. She shouted at me, my 12 year old sharer and my son with special needs last week because of the mess she thought we had left. It was actually two other young (children on the yard that had left said mess). When she realised it wasn't them she actually wasn't cross anymore as she is very friendly with their parents.

Ps she had walked on the yard and spoken to everyone really nicely, walked into the area we were and just started shouting. I calmly explained who it was and she just ignored me and walked back out.
 
Abacus said:
I don't agree with this - the outcome at least, no idea about the diagnosis. Bullying isn't ok even if someone has their own problems, nor is it ok for the YO not to believe you (do you have any evidence you can show? The stuff she has posted, if it is clearly about you?).

If she shouts at you or is otherwise unpleasant, get out your phone and video her. If you can, stand up for yourself rather than be apologetic (unless there is something to apologise for, in which case do it simply).

Can you move yard? Some places are toxic. If the ponies are on full livery and you aren't there much, find somewhere you do want to be.

I have a lovely girl at my yard who was bullied at her previous yard because she couldn't be there much even though the horse was on full livery. She's timid and sweet and it's an absolute pleasure to see her enjoying him when she can make it to the yard, and no one is nasty to her here. Please put yourself first, and find something better than this. You do deserve it.
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I'm old too, nearly 40 and only got my diagnoses recently. She shouted at me, my 12 year old sharer and my son with special needs last week because of the mess she thought we had left. It was actually two other young (children on the yard that had left said mess). When she realised it wasn't them she actually wasn't cross anymore as she is very friendly with their parents.

Ps she had walked on the yard and spoken to everyone really nicely, walked into the area we were and just started shouting. I calmly explained who it was and she just ignored me and walked back out.
 
unfortunately there are people in this world who are rotten to the core, and they seem to thrive on making others miserable! I can't offer any words of wisdom but please hold your head up high and ignore the toxicity, if you can! and if possible maybe have a look for a nicer yard where you can feel happy again! a wise lady once said to me, if you don't like it, leave! and she was very right! but I know personally how hard it is to find a good yard that offers everything you need
 
dreamcometrue said:
Maybe the older livery has mental health issues herself or is also neurodiverse. Older people missed out on all the diagnoses and support that happens nowadays and had to struggle to find their own way through life. Maybe that’s her way of coping 🤷

People aren’t generally just nasty for the sake of it. Perhaps just ignore her and enjoy the friends that you do have at the yard. x
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Abacus said:
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I'm old, too, nearly 40, and only got my diagnoses recently. She shouted at me, my 12 year old sharer and my son with special needs last week because of the mess she thought we had left. It was actually two other young children on the yard who had left said mess. When she realised it wasn't them she actually wasn't cross anymore as she is very friendly with their parents.

Ps she had walked on the yard and spoken to everyone really nicely, walked into the area we were and just started shouting. I calmly explained who it was and she just ignored me and walked back out.

she's about 10 years alder than me I'd say. There's only 2 other liveries and she's very friendly with them.
 
Fransurrey said:
Sympathies, OP. I have grown up with various people taking an instant dislike to me for my bluntness (also neurodiverse). A recent study did confirm that NT people are more likely to instantly dislike ND than other NT people. The problem therefore lies with the other livery, not you (assuming you're not doing anything wrong). As suggested, block her on social media, if anyone does try to pass on bitchy comments that they've seen, ask what they're trying to achieve. This is sh*t stirring and they are not being helpful. You will come to accept that not everyone will like you. That's ok (after all, you don't like everyone, either!). It's a problem only when they manifest that dislike through lack of courtesy or respect, but as I say, that is THEIR problem. Ignore/shrug and move on.
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I'd never make anyone feel intimated or keep picking on them, deliberately ignore them or shout for no reason. I think she is miserable in her owl life to be honest but obviously no excuse. Unfortunately only two others on my yard and she's very close to them.
 
EJP15 said:
I'd never make anyone feel intimated or keep picking on them, deliberately ignore them or shout for no reason. I think she is miserable in her owl life to be honest but obviously no excuse. Unfortunately only two others on my yard and she's very close to them.
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Own** haha excuse my typos 🤣

Owl 🦉
 
I'm sorry you are feeling this way.

I appreciate not every yard owner is good but if they don't think there is a problem, there may not be? Or get evidence to back it up when you to them next?

You've mentioned mental health issues - is there a counsellor or therapist you can talk to about how you are feeling? It can be difficult to always see a situation clearly without a different perspective and it night really help.

Yards can be tricky as people are there for different reasons - I usually don't have much time to socialise as I'm so busy getting ridden, jobs done etc in time beforw work/gym/other hobbies etc that I wouldn't go out of my way to talk to a lot of people a lot of the time. It's nothing personal but even when I was on full livery, I had finite time and honestly, I'm there for my horse first. But I fully appreciate for other's it forms much more of their social life.

Don't get me wrong, I try to say smile and hello to everyone but if I'm rushing I might blank someone without meaning to because I neeed to leave in 2 minutes and I've got three minutes worth of jobs to do! I'm sure people will think I'm rude and think badly of them or whatever.

But honestly, for a lot of us it's the worst time of the year and we're just trying concentrate on getting through at the moment so not so much time for chatting etc.

I would try not to worry overly about being deleted off FB, I try very hard not to accept FB invitations off liveries until I know them well and consider them friends but if I have, I often delete them at a later date. It doesn't mean I dislike them, but if I don't talk to them a lot it seems pointless having them as a friend or they post a lot/post things I don't want to see I don't want their posts cluttering up my FB feed.

I echo the headphone suggestion too. I wear mine a lot and it's a double whammy win of not hearing or being involved in a lot of drama and stopping people talking to you.

I wouldn't worry overly about being ignored either. There are liveries I don't speak to but we can co-exist - I'm sure they don't particularly like me, but that's fine! What other people think of me is none of my concern. And if someone was constantly asking if they'd done something to upset me, I'd probably back off interacting more too.

And I mean this in the nicest way but I do think it's healthy to have other interests outside of horse's. That way, someone else's bad day at the stables doesn't affect yours as much. Can you get out for a walk or run regularly? Take up a craft? Join a reading club? Just something so not all your eggs are in one basket.

I hope you can start enjoying your time again soon.
 
Cowpony said:
Really sorry you are going through this. It's hard for neuro diverse people - my sons are both on the spectrum, and they can sometimes appear rude without meaning to. But sadly even without an excuse some people just pick up the "different" vibe and see a good opportunity to bully. Is there another livery you get on better with, who you can ask what you've done to upset this other livery? There may be nothing, she may just be a nasty person. It's often the longest standing livery who seems to think they rule, and causes the problems.

If your YO doesn't believe you can you get evidence? I assume somebody must have told you what she's posting on FB, so would they send you some screenshots?

What is the livery having a go at you about? If it's yard rules that you've broken or things that you've done that inconvenience her, then maybe modifying your behaviour would help. But she doesn't have the right to shout at you. She sounds like a 4 year old!

There are other threads on here about this issue, so maybe have a look and it might reassure you that you're not alone! There are also lots of helpful suggestions, like wearing headphones so you don't have to listen to her. But sometimes the only solution is to find a nicer, more supportive yard. It's unfair that one person makes you leave, but for your own wellbeing that may be the best solution.
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No no rules I've broken. Like if she thinks I've done something like leave a mess etc she goes mad at me but then when I tell her it was someone else (people she likes) she will walk off and be overly nice to them. I don't get an apology or anything
 
MuddyMonster said:
I'm sorry you are feeling this way.

I appreciate not every yard owner is good but if they don't think there is a problem, there may not be? Or get evidence to back it up when you to them next?

You've mentioned mental health issues - is there a counsellor or therapist you can talk to about how you are feeling? It can be difficult to always see a situation clearly without a different perspective and it night really help.

Yards can be tricky as people are there for different reasons - I usually don't have much time to socialise as I'm so busy getting ridden, jobs done etc in time beforw work/gym/other hobbies etc that I wouldn't go out of my way to talk to a lot of people a lot of the time. It's nothing personal but even when I was on full livery, I had finite time and honestly, I'm there for my horse first. But I fully appreciate for other's it forms much more of their social life.

Don't get me wrong, I try to say smile and hello to everyone but if I'm rushing I might blank someone without meaning to because I neeed to leave in 2 minutes and I've got three minutes worth of jobs to do! I'm sure people will think I'm rude and think badly of them or whatever.

But honestly, for a lot of us it's the worst time of the year and we're just trying concentrate on getting through at the moment so not so much time for chatting etc.

I would try not to worry overly about being deleted off FB, I try very hard not to accept FB invitations off liveries until I know them well and consider them friends but if I have, I often delete them at a later date. It doesn't mean I dislike them, but if I don't talk to them a lot it seems pointless having them as a friend or they post a lot/post things I don't want to see I don't want their posts cluttering up my FB feed.

I echo the headphone suggestion too. I wear mine a lot and it's a double whammy win of not hearing or being involved in a lot of drama and stopping people talking to you.

I wouldn't worry overly about being ignored either. There are liveries I don't speak to but we can co-exist - I'm sure they don't particularly like me, but that's fine! What other people think of me is none of my concern. And if someone was constantly asking if they'd done something to upset me, I'd probably back off interacting more too.

And I mean this in the nicest way but I do think it's healthy to have other interests outside of horse's. That way, someone else's bad day at the stables doesn't affect yours as much. Can you get out for a walk or run regularly? Take up a craft? Join a reading club? Just something so not all your eggs are in one basket.

I hope you can start enjoying your time again soon.
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She actually storms up to me and screams at me that's the problem....
 
It's not good that the YO is allowing this to happen, but often they also feel threatened by the livery because of there dominating demeanor.

Self appointed 'yard bosses/managers' are the worst. I'm assuming she doesn't shout at you when the YO is on site or in ear shot?


Would approaching the YO in a different way help? without knowing the person it's hard to tell but maybe along the lines of - XXXX makes it really uncomfortable for me here sometimes. I've been shouted at a few times now and its really upsetting. Would you mind having a quiet word? I'm only here to enjoy my ponies. If you have any issues with me being messy or anything would you come direct to me in case she is feeling she needs to 'manage' me on your behalf. I'm not missing anything am I? is it her job to keep the yard tidy?
 
EJP15 said:
She actually storms up to me and screams at me that's the problem....
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Thanks for your advice but it's a little more complicated than how you are imaging the situation. She will walk on and be overly friendly to everyone and ignore me unless she's shouting at me or telling me off. There's only 2 other liveries and her sister on the yard. They are all very friendly. I had to leave the yard chat because she kept complaining about things she thought I'd done but when told it was her sister or another livery she won't apologise and then says oh its fine then.
 
dorsetladette said:
It's not good that the YO is allowing this to happen, but often they also feel threatened by the livery because of there dominating demeanor.

Self appointed 'yard bosses/managers' are the worst. I'm assuming she doesn't shout at you when the YO is on site or in ear shot?


Would approaching the YO in a different way help? without knowing the person it's hard to tell but maybe along the lines of - XXXX makes it really uncomfortable for me here sometimes. I've been shouted at a few times now and its really upsetting. Would you mind having a quiet word? I'm only here to enjoy my ponies. If you have any issues with me being messy or anything would you come direct to me in case she is feeling she needs to 'manage' me on your behalf. I'm not missing anything am I? is it her job to keep the yard tidy?
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Yes I've spoken to YO several times. Unfortunately with no resolution.

From what I gather she's upset with me over something but won't tell me even though I've asked politely several times. The other liveries won't tell me but say her sister may have made something up
 
EJP15 said:
Yes I've spoken to YO several times. Unfortunately with no resolution.

From what I gather she's upset with me over something but won't tell me even though I've asked politely several times. The other liveries won't tell me but say her sister may have made something up
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Wahhh I feel like I'm at school
 
EJP15 said:
Thanks for your advice but it's a little more complicated than how you are imaging the situation. She will walk on and be overly friendly to everyone and ignore me unless she's shouting at me or telling me off. There's only 2 other liveries and her sister on the yard. They are all very friendly. I had to leave the yard chat because she kept complaining about things she thought I'd done but when told it was her sister or another livery she won't apologise and then says oh its fine then.
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Is the YO on the yard chat?
 
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