Dealing with a liveries that dont like me/making my life miserable

[EJP15]

So what do you reckon you are going to do now?

Sorry but I that is my life sometimes, just keep swimming

Your in a really crap situation, just hope you can find a way to leave or stand up to 'hag' in a non confrontational way as per my previous post.

How long have you been at this yard? X

A year next month, she was actually really nice to me at first actually. I've never had a falling out with her. She just changed one day but there's always been someone she's mad at. I guess that's why 3 other liveries have left in the past year, 2 said she bullied them

 

[EJP15]

A year next month, she was actually really nice to me at first actually. I've never had a falling out with her. She just changed one day but there's always been someone she's mad at. I guess that's why 3 other liveries have left in the past year, 2 said she bullied them

Oh yeah just keep swimming, that's the one x

 

[scats]

I think thats a very simplistic view. Being ND doesn't mean you can be an arse to people, but do I hell have control over what I do a fair whack of the time. The older I get and the more I know the more I can control my responses but it takes a huge amount of effort, and generally massively upsets me for ages afterwards. For eg. 3 days ago I had to be very polite and firm with someone who was being unreasonable and not very nice to me. What I wanted to do was slam the door and hide while I sobbed. I managed not to, but I'm still completely rattled and upset by it. The other person has forgotten all about it, I'm still fighting with myself not to over react. I am completely ruled by my emotions which can change at lightning speed over and over. Obviously not always but if there's stress or worry I come apart at the seams and its very common for me to fast cycle emotions.

I can mask and keep it together in front of people, but by god does it drain me, its hard and often doesn't work despite myself. If people are off with me I can know fine well its their issue, but that doesn't change what I feel which will be a mix of upset/panic/fury. The thought of cheerfully going about my business while other people behave like that is completely alien to me. I don't really get how other people think and feel either. It feels like I'm an alien a lot of the time. And it is bloody awful internally fighting with yourself to behave in a way that mean you fit in.

It seems to be a very common theme in stuff I see online relating to ADHD which is the only thing that makes it better, knowing I'm not the only one like this, and actually, lots of people are worse than me.

Fair enough. I just think that there is a danger of over-analysing everything we do and trying to find a reason for it.
In the example I gave, there’s probably a lot of NT people who would also go away from that scenario feeling like they must have done or said something to upset the other person. It’s easy to chalk everything up to being ND, but sometimes it’s just because we are human.
As much as a bigger awareness of ND is great, we do run the danger of using it to justify/explain/analyse everything and I don’t think it’s always helpful.

But I recognise that might be just me.

Apologies for derailing your thread, OP.

 

[Peaches24]

To be there for that amount of time seeing 3 others go, you are doing better than I would. Hat off to you to be fair!

Honestly, one line sentences when she's on one and when she's being okay will work wonders. With the 'just keep swimming' smile and attitude. Never explain to her anything. Make a wee joke of, hope she's getting paid enough to be keeping track, hard job etc. So shocked YO has stayed back this long, they are loosing money here too.

I'm new on here (well back after about 12 years) but is there a reason you really want to stay on this yard? Xx

 

[EJP15]

To be there for that amount of time seeing 3 others go, you are doing better than I would. Hat off to you to be fair!

Honestly, one line sentences when she's on one and when she's being okay will work wonders. With the 'just keep swimming' smile and attitude. Never explain to her anything. Make a wee joke of, hope she's getting paid enough to be keeping track, hard job etc. So shocked YO has stayed back this long, they are loosing money here too.

I'm new on here (well back after about 12 years) but is there a reason you really want to stay on this yard? Xx

It suits my geldings needs more than most of the others. Unfortunately I have one with a host of health issues and also a mare attitude. Then the other's are also better here for various reasons. Plus it's difficult to find a yard with multiple vacancies x

 

[Peaches24]

Fair enough reasons to stay from your point of view.
This woman is just picking on you as seems your the last one standing so to speak.

Short happy responses, never normally a fan of that but this situation it will work.

Someone mentioned up thread of terrible things happening due to a situation similar and sticking it out, please do take that on board too. Xx

 

[Cobxfan55]

That does not sound a good place to be at currently doe she have a go at you with other people around and the yard management is around in earshot or does she only do it whenever there are not too many people around

 

[Jambarissa]

What do you think you can do @EJP15?

I was diagnosed with ASD pretty late in life, after I'd already learned strategies to fit or at least to cope. I had my horses at home until I was 23, moving to livery was hell. I aimed for small places but have found large places much better, the bullies can't have everyone backing them if there are 30 other owners and there's always someone else for them to have a go at so I try to ignore it and it goes away.

Imo there isn't too much you can do, you can't make the yo get involved so you can leave or you can ignore. You don't have to engage with someone shouting at you, you are allowed to walk away. Agree with PP that no amount of logic will help with this type of person.

There's a guy on Facebook called Jefferson Fisher who gives excellent strategies for dealing with a-holes like this, you could try to learn a few phrases.

I'm really sorry you're having a hard time and I do hope it improves.

 

[JenJ]

Sorry, not wishing to derail the thread further, but I did want to pick up on these points, as to me (and I don't imagine I'm alone in this) it is important.

I think thats a very simplistic view. Being ND doesn't mean you can be an arse to people, but do I hell have control over what I do a fair whack of the time. The older I get and the more I know the more I can control my responses but it takes a huge amount of effort, and generally massively upsets me for ages afterwards. For eg. 3 days ago I had to be very polite and firm with someone who was being unreasonable and not very nice to me. What I wanted to do was slam the door and hide while I sobbed. I managed not to, but I'm still completely rattled and upset by it. The other person has forgotten all about it, I'm still fighting with myself not to over react. I am completely ruled by my emotions which can change at lightning speed over and over. Obviously not always but if there's stress or worry I come apart at the seams and its very common for me to fast cycle emotions.

I can mask and keep it together in front of people, but by god does it drain me, its hard and often doesn't work despite myself. If people are off with me I can know fine well its their issue, but that doesn't change what I feel which will be a mix of upset/panic/fury. The thought of cheerfully going about my business while other people behave like that is completely alien to me. I don't really get how other people think and feel either. It feels like I'm an alien a lot of the time. And it is bloody awful internally fighting with yourself to behave in a way that mean you fit in.

It seems to be a very common theme in stuff I see online relating to ADHD which is the only thing that makes it better, knowing I'm not the only one like this, and actually, lots of people are worse than me.

Fair enough. I just think that there is a danger of over-analysing everything we do and trying to find a reason for it.
In the example I gave, there’s probably a lot of NT people who would also go away from that scenario feeling like they must have done or said something to upset the other person. It’s easy to chalk everything up to being ND, but sometimes it’s just because we are human.
As much as a bigger awareness of ND is great, we do run the danger of using it to justify/explain/analyse everything and I don’t think it’s always helpful.

But I recognise that might be just me.

Apologies for derailing your thread, OP.

I think maybe the above posts are not actually disagreeing with each other, but rather highlighting different aspects of ND experiences.

Whilst ADHD and ASD both fall under the ND banner, and many people (including myself) have both, they do have some markedly different (and often contrasting/conflicting) aspects. One BIG issue that a lot of ADHD people have (that as far as I have read, is not a particular struggle for non-ADHD autistic people) is Emotional Dysregulation and Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. The scenario ID describes is a perfect illustration. We can take things very personally, we can take everything to heart, we can take on other people's angst, and we can be especially good at doing all that when the other person is completely nonplussed about the situation and completely oblivious to our distress. We have spent so long masking and hiding our feelings, that we try our hardest to internalise these feelings, which only adds to the emotional maelstrom. It's not so much trying to find a reason for everything we do, but more a genuine revelation of 'Oh! You get that too!' and when I learned about ED and RSD, it was huge relief, to the extent of bringing me back from a nasty brink. Having spent my whole life struggling with this over-sensitivity, seeing that as 'no one' else struggled with it, it must mean it IS specific to me, and I must just be a bad, horrible, unloved, nasty person, because other people don't get this, to suddenly discovering that other people whose brains are similar to mine DO get it, meant that maybe it didn't mean I was a monster, maybe my reaction was just an overreaction in keeping with a recognised symptom of my condition. That was life-changing for me, and nowadays, although I still have the massive overreaction, always worrying that I've offended people, that I've done something wrong, or that I've said the wrong thing, a part of me tries to reassure myself that I would think that, wouldn't I, not necessarily because I did do wrong, but because.... ADHD. It doesn't often change my reaction or emotions, but knowing why I am feeling that way helps me cope with it a little better. So it can be very important for things like this to be talked about, as it can be a massive help for the person experiencing this, who didn't know it was actually a thing, and thought it was because they were bad.

I'm not suggesting this is necessarily the case with OP, who has mentioned that they are not the first to have issues with this person, but it is possible that it is part of it, and that to the OP it is a much bigger deal to be on the receiving end of negative behaviour than it may be to NT people.

It's also worth remembering that though most ND people have something in common in that they generally think differently to most NT people, it is not the case that ND people are all similar. It's probably likely that most ND people are more similar to NT people than they are to other ND people, especially those with differing 'conditions'.

I don't think I've explained very well what I'm trying to get across, and I think I've mixed some of my words up along the way, but I hope it makes a little bit of sense

 

[Caol Ila]

I think thats a very simplistic view. Being ND doesn't mean you can be an arse to people, but do I hell have control over what I do a fair whack of the time. The older I get and the more I know the more I can control my responses but it takes a huge amount of effort, and generally massively upsets me for ages afterwards. For eg. 3 days ago I had to be very polite and firm with someone who was being unreasonable and not very nice to me. What I wanted to do was slam the door and hide while I sobbed. I managed not to, but I'm still completely rattled and upset by it. The other person has forgotten all about it, I'm still fighting with myself not to over react. I am completely ruled by my emotions which can change at lightning speed over and over. Obviously not always but if there's stress or worry I come apart at the seams and its very common for me to fast cycle emotions.

I can mask and keep it together in front of people, but by god does it drain me, its hard and often doesn't work despite myself. If people are off with me I can know fine well its their issue, but that doesn't change what I feel which will be a mix of upset/panic/fury. The thought of cheerfully going about my business while other people behave like that is completely alien to me. I don't really get how other people think and feel either. It feels like I'm an alien a lot of the time. And it is bloody awful internally fighting with yourself to behave in a way that mean you fit in.

It seems to be a very common theme in stuff I see online relating to ADHD which is the only thing that makes it better, knowing I'm not the only one like this, and actually, lots of people are worse than me.

Are you me? I could have written every word here.

ne BIG issue that a lot of ADHD people have (that as far as I have read, is not a particular struggle for non-ADHD autistic people) is Emotional Dysregulation and Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. The scenario ID describes is a perfect illustration. We can take things very personally, we can take everything to heart, we can take on other people's angst, and we can be especially good at doing all that when the other person is completely nonplussed about the situation and completely oblivious to our distress. We have spent so long masking and hiding our feelings, that we try our hardest to internalise these feelings, which only adds to the emotional maelstrom. It's not so much trying to find a reason for everything we do, but more a genuine revelation of 'Oh! You get that too!' and when I learned about ED and RSD, it was huge relief, to the extent of bringing me back from a nasty brink. Having spent my whole life struggling with this over-sensitivity, seeing that as 'no one' else struggled with it, it must mean it IS specific to me, and I must just be a bad, horrible, unloved, nasty person, because other people don't get this, to suddenly discovering that other people whose brains are similar to mine DO get it, meant that maybe it didn't mean I was a monster, maybe my reaction was just an overreaction in keeping with a recognised symptom of my condition

Yeah, this forum has guided me to my (admttedly self) ADHD diagnosis, but it has to be that. It just has to be. It fits every checkbox. Explains everything. My parents spent most of my childhood and teenage years and twenties trying to diagnose me with all sorts of stuff, but never that, because it wasn't on their radar. It was always associated with hyperactive little boys bouncing off walls, destroying stuff. It doesn't stop me from being a weirdo, and like hell is it under control, but it at least helps me makes sense out of some stuff, so that's not useless.

I have a great time at Irish traditional music sessions. Jesus Christ. All the social stuff is quiet and passive-aggressive and pure dead complicated, and it's amazing I can get out and play at all. Sometimes through sheer force of will. Livery yards have nothing on sessions when it comes to challenging interpersonal sh1t, except you obviously don't *have* to go if it gets too stressful, because the care of an animal doesn't depend on it.

 

[scats]

Sorry, not wishing to derail the thread further, but I did want to pick up on these points, as to me (and I don't imagine I'm alone in this) it is important.



I think maybe the above posts are not actually disagreeing with each other, but rather highlighting different aspects of ND experiences.

I think that’s a good point, that ND experiences, as much as NT experiences, are different.

I often read ASD experiences and symptoms and can’t relate to them. Perhaps I’m not a textbook case.
Interestingly, now that people are becoming more aware of ADHD, I’d say I fit into a lot of that. I am scarily impulsive (to the point of buying horses/spending thousands/making life changing decisions the second a thought pops into my head), can’t sit still anywhere without constantly needing to move… and a tonne more.

Infact, I’d go as far as to say I fit more ADHD signs than ASD, yet I’m diagnosed ASD. Whether that’s because I’ve become so adept at over turning ( I dislike the term masking) some of my ASD traits that I’ve almost distanced myself from them, who knows?
Interesting discussion though.

 

[scats]

I don’t think I’ve explained myself very well on reading that again

 

[leflynn]

my 2p worth is move, it sounds toxic and unlikely to change sadly

If you are worried they may find this and know who you are delete the thread. I got stalked online by a now former yard owner who found a thread (yard not named) about a decision about a yard move and then proceeded to chuck me off the yard with no notice once I gave notice to leave and tried to take me to court (long story)

 

[I'm Dun]

Fair enough. I just think that there is a danger of over-analysing everything we do and trying to find a reason for it.
In the example I gave, there’s probably a lot of NT people who would also go away from that scenario feeling like they must have done or said something to upset the other person. It’s easy to chalk everything up to being ND, but sometimes it’s just because we are human.
As much as a bigger awareness of ND is great, we do run the danger of using it to justify/explain/analyse everything and I don’t think it’s always helpful.

But I recognise that might be just me.

Apologies for derailing your thread, OP.

I think autism and ADHD are opposite ends of the scale. For me ADHD does explain everything I do, emotional dysregulation is a huge part of it. Its about scale. Everyone loses their keys sometimes or forgets things occasionally. I have to have a complicated set of systems, trackers and phone alarms or I lose them every day multiple times and never go anywhere I'm supposed to. And I've still lost both house keys today and its not even 11am.

 

[smolmaus]

I think that’s a good point, that ND experiences, as much as NT experiences, are different.

I often read ASD experiences and symptoms and can’t relate to them. Perhaps I’m not a textbook case.
Interestingly, now that people are becoming more aware of ADHD, I’d say I fit into a lot of that. I am scarily impulsive (to the point of buying horses/spending thousands/making life changing decisions the second a thought pops into my head), can’t sit still anywhere without constantly needing to move… and a tonne more.

Infact, I’d go as far as to say I fit more ADHD signs than ASD, yet I’m diagnosed ASD. Whether that’s because I’ve become so adept at over turning ( I dislike the term masking) some of my ASD traits that I’ve almost distanced myself from them, who knows?
Interesting discussion though.

It is an interesting discussion! I'm not diagnosed with anything, and frankly can't be bothered with it, but I also relate to a lot of ADHD and ASD traits. If I look back I have eliminated a lot of the obvious ones like stimming with constant humming, obsessive hand washing, walking on my tip toes, emotional shut down/ explosion doesn't happen now life isn't as chaotic and I deal with stress better, I HAD to learn how to try and make eye contact with people sometimes, the hyperfixations are now just OH GOD THE HORSE rather than changing all the time etc etc

I think it is truly a spectrum and some of us grew up and had the most socially-distancing behaviours stamped out so we wouldn't register as diagnosable anymore. I think I certainly would have raised red flags if I was a child these days. If you add in the alcohol problems, disordered eating, depressive episodes etc there are still some red flags in the adult behaviour but again, you just work on those yourself so you can function in society.

 

[Fransurrey]

And I've still lost both house keys today and its not even 11am.

It's a running joke with myself that it takes me three efforts to leave the house every day. This is because I get to the car and realise I haven't picked up my car key (and often then have to spend 10 minutes finding it or taking the spare). I now have the car key, start the car and realise I don't have my purse. Go back, get that. Get to car and realise my morning tea (I always take a travel mug in the morning) is still sat on the dining table, where I put it down to put on my shoes. Do you ever see those ADHD reels on FB by Roxy et al? Yeah, that's me, without the funky hair.

 

[SEL]

I think it is truly a spectrum and some of us grew up and had the most socially-distancing behaviours stamped out so we wouldn't register as diagnosable anymore. I think I certainly would have raised red flags if I was a child these days. If you add in the alcohol problems, disordered eating, depressive episodes etc there are still some red flags in the adult behaviour but again, you just work on those yourself so you can function in society.

I work with some undiagnosed but fairly obvious ND types (the industry does attract them) and I'd say many have learnt to function in society by adapting what comes naturally (or recruiting someone who manages their work life for them in one specific case). To varying levels though I think we all adapt to deal with the people we are working with / socialising with etc at that moment in time. I think women in particular have always done this, probably a deep genetic requirement to get along with people back when we were all living in caves.

OP - you have my sympathies. I was on a yard once with someone who had some mental health issues and was a nasty bully. It was all very subtle and generally left you wondering whether you'd misinterpreted something or whether she really was being nasty. A lot of it was done behind people's backs as well. If she was pulled up on it then the 'but I have x MH issue was dragged out'. I can remember the day she decided I was her next victim. I'm quite switched on to the nuances of people's behaviour so I knew how she would ramp up from little digs, texts behind my back, things done or not done to the horses etc. I put up with it whilst looking for a new yard then pulled her up on her behaviour to get the usual 'its because I have a MH issue' at which point I said 'Your MH issue doesn't make you a B1tch, that's all you) and then handed in my notice.

Some people are just toxic

 

[paddy555]

Is this situation anything more than bullying.
she is a bully, you are her victim. There is no fun in being a bully unless someone is going to be your victim.

Stop explaining. Just what she wants. It gives her the chance to belittle you even more. Don't rise to her bullying.

Put your earphones on. When she walks up to tell you, mockingly, you have left the mess in the way wait until the shouting has stopped. Slowly turn round to face her, slowly take the headphones off and ask her calmly and firmly what did she say. Listen without interrupting and then just reply "not guilty" put the headphones back on and carry on your work.
If she carries on having a go at you just repeat, slowly remove the headphones, ask what the problem is, then reply I have just told you I didn't leave the mess. Then ignore her.

Take control. Don't try to stop her shouting by explaining. Stand still (or ignore) and let her shout it out. At the end of the rant ask her have you finished.

Don't complain, don't explain just make it obvious you will answer her direct questions yes or no but don't engage further.

 

[Mahoganybay]

This is doing the rounds on ‘Faceache’ at the moment:

“Let Them”

Let them be upset.
Let them judge you.
Let them misunderstand you.
Let them gossip about you,
Let them ignore you.
Let them be “right.”
Let them doubt you.
Let them not like you.
Let them not speak to you.
Whatever it is that people want to say or think about you, let them!
Kindly step aside and LET THEM.
Make the decision to no longer sit at tables where you might be the topic when you get up! Let them .. go
You can still be kind. You can even still love them
It’s taken me a long time to get here. I’m not going to lie , almost daily I have to remind myself “let them” say what they are going to say and do what they are going to do . It’s an ongoing journey. If you struggle with this please know you are not alone. I’ll never understand why hurt people hurt people. But we can do the hard work to grow ourselves as people … because healed people do in fact heal people.
With that said …
Don’t you dare let them steal your joy.
Don’t you dare let them dim your light.
Don’t you dare let them steal your peace.
You are in control of that.
Control the controllable's, release what you can’t AND
Let them