Hovis_and_SidsMum
Well-Known Member
Dear Man Upstairs
Ok. Enough all ready. I think its fair to say youve made your point and truly exposed the fact I am pants at dealing with bad weather. Seriously pack it in now. Im sure that underneath the whole man upstairs of wrath and whatnot persona youre a reasonable dude so I plead with you to sort the weather out for the following reasons:
1. Red noses are humorous and for a good cause one day a year for charity. I do not need to sport one for 3 months. Note also the charity ones dont come complete with ribbons of snot so I look like Im 3 years old again. Its hard to blow your nose when youre hanging on with both hands to a rampaging 16.2HH menace with frozen boy parts.
2. I only own a few pairs of sensible keep-ones-under-carriage-warm pants. This is because theyre not exactly a) flattering or b) what the other half wants to see bobbing about in front of his face at 6am. Flannette big girls pants may have worked for Bridget Jones but trust me with an arse the size of mine it makes me look like the sleepnite Hippo is wrestling with my thighs.
3. Whilst I dont have the nicest of toes I would like to be able to feel them occasionally. Its sort of reassuring to know theyre still there and havent snapped off inside my wellies after my attempts to break the 6 inch deep ice on the water trough were assisted by my darling Hovis. I know the fact I have a special needs horse isnt entirely your fault but a bit of slack would be most appreciated.
4. Id like to be able to go up the yard not wearing the entire contents of my wardrobe all at the same time and without the woolly hat. Seriously theres no need to look for Wally Ive found her. She's currently trying to stuff hay nets wearing three pairs of gloves and sporting escapee curls out of the side of the tea cosy on her head. I have to see this in the mirror every morning is that not punishment enough? Going to the loo takes an hour to get undressed and trust me the cold and my advancing old age means sometimes that can be a rather stressful prospect.
5. Id like to be able to bath my horse without turning him into a half tonne ice sculpture sometime before he turns 15. Hes so greasy I could lubricate half the farm machinery with the contents of his mane. What little there is left of it. Due to him having to wear a neck piece all winter he currently looks like a follicley challenged rock hopper penguin with mange and dont get me started on his tail; if his bum wasnt so big you could shove him up chimneys and use him as a sweep.
6. Whilst in the summer a light breeze is most appreciated, sending gales alongside the arctic blizzards is not funny. Firstly in order to function breathing is quite important so winds that literally take said breath away are not helpful. Nor is it pleasant when you end up wearing a snot moustache at the age of 36 (see comment 1). Since I own a large fairy of a horse the lovely rug lifting, tail flapping, mane dishevelling ice cold wind you so thoughtfully have provided us with tends to produce a sudden desire to engage his inner race horse. Which is lovely. But not when Im on the end of the lead rope. If I wanted to be a snow clearer I would have applied to the council at least they expect you to use a snow plough rather than your snot encrusted face.
7. Snow is pretty. We all wish for it at Christmas. It looks pretty on Christmas cards and makes us feel festive. I hate to break it to you but this doesnt quite work the same for Easter. I want fluffy bunnies, little chicks, chocolate eggs and that yellow ball thing that I vaguely remember being in the sky. You remember it? Provides heat and helps the green stuff our horses need to eat to grow? Stops me having to keep feeding copious amounts of hay and thus running up an overdraft larger than some third world countries national debt? Im sure you do if you put your mind to it.
8. Ive just had a baby. Finding time to ride my horse is hard enough as it is thus a) hes a bit feisty and b) Im not that fit. So whereas I appreciate watching me try to sit to The Destroyer half passing down the school at working gallop whilst attempting to see through a wall of incoming sleet might be highly amusing to you, I must have had a sense of humour bypass as well as a C-section because Im not finding it funny.
So please cut us all some slack, get rid of the snow / hail/ ice / sub zero conditions and dig that lovely yellow ball in the sky out of storage would you? Get that lovely green stuff to get off its bottom and start growing and perhaps think about not sending driving wind and rain as an alternative? I know us horse owners are all a bit nuts but even nutters deserve a break sometimes? Pretty please?
Yours Chilblained of Lincolnshire
Ok. Enough all ready. I think its fair to say youve made your point and truly exposed the fact I am pants at dealing with bad weather. Seriously pack it in now. Im sure that underneath the whole man upstairs of wrath and whatnot persona youre a reasonable dude so I plead with you to sort the weather out for the following reasons:
1. Red noses are humorous and for a good cause one day a year for charity. I do not need to sport one for 3 months. Note also the charity ones dont come complete with ribbons of snot so I look like Im 3 years old again. Its hard to blow your nose when youre hanging on with both hands to a rampaging 16.2HH menace with frozen boy parts.
2. I only own a few pairs of sensible keep-ones-under-carriage-warm pants. This is because theyre not exactly a) flattering or b) what the other half wants to see bobbing about in front of his face at 6am. Flannette big girls pants may have worked for Bridget Jones but trust me with an arse the size of mine it makes me look like the sleepnite Hippo is wrestling with my thighs.
3. Whilst I dont have the nicest of toes I would like to be able to feel them occasionally. Its sort of reassuring to know theyre still there and havent snapped off inside my wellies after my attempts to break the 6 inch deep ice on the water trough were assisted by my darling Hovis. I know the fact I have a special needs horse isnt entirely your fault but a bit of slack would be most appreciated.
4. Id like to be able to go up the yard not wearing the entire contents of my wardrobe all at the same time and without the woolly hat. Seriously theres no need to look for Wally Ive found her. She's currently trying to stuff hay nets wearing three pairs of gloves and sporting escapee curls out of the side of the tea cosy on her head. I have to see this in the mirror every morning is that not punishment enough? Going to the loo takes an hour to get undressed and trust me the cold and my advancing old age means sometimes that can be a rather stressful prospect.
5. Id like to be able to bath my horse without turning him into a half tonne ice sculpture sometime before he turns 15. Hes so greasy I could lubricate half the farm machinery with the contents of his mane. What little there is left of it. Due to him having to wear a neck piece all winter he currently looks like a follicley challenged rock hopper penguin with mange and dont get me started on his tail; if his bum wasnt so big you could shove him up chimneys and use him as a sweep.
6. Whilst in the summer a light breeze is most appreciated, sending gales alongside the arctic blizzards is not funny. Firstly in order to function breathing is quite important so winds that literally take said breath away are not helpful. Nor is it pleasant when you end up wearing a snot moustache at the age of 36 (see comment 1). Since I own a large fairy of a horse the lovely rug lifting, tail flapping, mane dishevelling ice cold wind you so thoughtfully have provided us with tends to produce a sudden desire to engage his inner race horse. Which is lovely. But not when Im on the end of the lead rope. If I wanted to be a snow clearer I would have applied to the council at least they expect you to use a snow plough rather than your snot encrusted face.
7. Snow is pretty. We all wish for it at Christmas. It looks pretty on Christmas cards and makes us feel festive. I hate to break it to you but this doesnt quite work the same for Easter. I want fluffy bunnies, little chicks, chocolate eggs and that yellow ball thing that I vaguely remember being in the sky. You remember it? Provides heat and helps the green stuff our horses need to eat to grow? Stops me having to keep feeding copious amounts of hay and thus running up an overdraft larger than some third world countries national debt? Im sure you do if you put your mind to it.
8. Ive just had a baby. Finding time to ride my horse is hard enough as it is thus a) hes a bit feisty and b) Im not that fit. So whereas I appreciate watching me try to sit to The Destroyer half passing down the school at working gallop whilst attempting to see through a wall of incoming sleet might be highly amusing to you, I must have had a sense of humour bypass as well as a C-section because Im not finding it funny.
So please cut us all some slack, get rid of the snow / hail/ ice / sub zero conditions and dig that lovely yellow ball in the sky out of storage would you? Get that lovely green stuff to get off its bottom and start growing and perhaps think about not sending driving wind and rain as an alternative? I know us horse owners are all a bit nuts but even nutters deserve a break sometimes? Pretty please?
Yours Chilblained of Lincolnshire
