Do you ever feel you are not good enough to be at your yard ?

[Mary3050]

Hey guys,

So I was having a chat with a friend today at a show . She moved to a lovely professional yard which is owned by a great rider and has a few people who have compete at high level like on the British team. The yard is stunning a huge indoor, two outdoors, lunge pen, winter pen, horsewalker, beautiful off road hacking the works ! We got chatting I said how lush the yard looks and how she was finding it. She said that she didn’t feel good enough To be there . It seemed to upset her .

We got chatting she said that the yards spilt by the talented who go competing high level regularly and those that can afford to be spending loads on training and tons of lessons. She said she feels like her money not as good as there’s. I did say that from what I have seen I actually only think 3 compete top level, 3 at like mid level and a 2/3 unaffiliated. The other 11 or so riders get to one maybe two shows a year some go no where .

She said she feels her horses are well cared for, the coach is great but she feels a few judge her because she doesn’t have the best horse, saddle, boots . She also said she feels one Yo is pressuring her into getting rid of one horse for the stable .

I had no idea what to say really . Said I would pop around for a coffee and a chat soon. Is this a normal feel of everyone at professional yard ?

 

[Mule]

It sounds like insecurity on her part. Nobody cares what other people do with their horses, certainly professionals don't anyway. If she isn't happy she could always go to a different yard.

 

[Cragrat]

She pays the livery fee, same as anyone else there. Why shouldn't she enjoy the facilities, as much or as little as she wants to?

And as long as her tack etc fits and isn't dangerously decrepit, a true professional won't care how old it is. Wannabes with all the gear and no idea are worse.

 

[twobearsarthur]

I think it’s often a reflection on how we feel about ourselves when we don’t feel good enough. 99% of the time no one cares what you’re doing with your horse or at what level. They’re too busy dealing with their own issues.
I was once on a yard though, the owner was a professional rider who did actively make a lot of people feel they weren’t good enough- she was the only person who could ride their horse correctly, knew how to feed them, deal with them the right way etc, any tack you bought or farrier you used that wasn’t what or who she used was always wrong. I used to drive her crazy as I know my limitations and don’t care that I’m winging it and know I’m never going to be a world beater. Having fun is the most important thing. So if your friend isn’t having fun and can’t shake the feeling that she isn’t good enough maybe this yard isn’t the place for her. There’s no point in spending a lot of money on a hobby at the end of the day that should be making you smile.

 

[Christmascinnamoncookie]

My yard was a mix of meander down the lane and people going to shows/clinics with well-known riders, with everything in between. Nobody was ‘superior’ to anyone else.

 

[SO1]

There have been times when I have felt like the poor relative on yards. However I try to be supportive and kind and happy for those for have more than me and not feel guilty that I am not spending unlimited amounts of money on top of the range kit, lessons and expensive massages etc for my pony.

I am a middle range person so I can afford part livery which I need due to work commitments and some nice things but not 5k saddles or a 10k horse, lots of lessons etc. In some ways it is harder being a middle person on an expensive yard or a cheap yard as you don't quite fit in either groups.

Your friend may be feeling under pressure to spend more on services that are supplied by the yard or their associates. Sometimes YO who are top riders may get commission or discounts on products or services that they persuade their liveries to take up. A bit like an influencer or it is the reason why they get sponsored.

If they are trying to persuade her to part with one of her horses as they want that stable for a client that will pay more then it would not be unheard of.

It sounds like the facilities and care are amazing and she should be having a great time. It can take a while to make friends and settle in at a yard so perhaps she will find due course that the people with all the money are nice people and hopefully everyone can support each other whatever their situation is.

 

[Lexi_]

I don’t doubt that some places are snobby, but from what your friend has said about the range of riders on the yard when you asked for more details, it definitely doesn’t sound like the sort of yard where she’s the odd one out. Perhaps she’s just feeling a bit of new girl nerves and fixating (a bit misguidedly) on this one point?

 

[Xmas lucky]

I have been on a yard like this the competition horse got better care more haylage even though they are fat. Anyone one who doesn’t have a fancy horse or doesn’t compete horse aren’t treated good . A lot these type of yards owner don’t want normal people in them so I completely understand we’re your friend is coming from.

 

[FourWhiteSocks]

The yard sounds like heaven. Probably something else going on for your friend. Its good that she has you to check in and listen.

 

[asmp]

I was on a yard in Germany. Lots of fancy horses but ours was a 12.1 pony. Most hardly ever hacked out and I think I was known as the mad English woman who walked out miles with her daughter and pony. Didn’t worry me. I paid the same amount as the others.

The only thing that you said that would concern me was the bit about getting rid of one horse. No one should have that pressure on them.

 

[SEL]

I think it's always a bit intimidating on a new yard. I remember one owner when I rocked up with my draft horse saying "well what on earth do you do with THAT" - kiss his nose and spoil him rotten was my answer. They were pretty horrified when he turned into a hairy mud covered hippo in winter as well asking me why I couldn't clip and rug him. But that was just a few people and I tend to find most just let you tick along doing your thing. Is there anyone there she feels is more on her wavelength she could try and ride out with?

 

[Fred66]

Difficult one, some people internally worry what others think of them others don’t care and it’s really difficult to change who you are.
She shouldn’t get upset about it as her money is as good as anyone else’s and people own horses for a multitude of reason.
You said one yard owner seems to be encouraging her to get rid of a horse, this implies more than one yard owner, what does the other think ? Also why are they encouraging her to do this ? Is it because they think the horse is too much for her, or because it would give her the funds to focus on one, or because the horse is a problem etc.
Try and find answers and at the end of the day it doesn’t matter how good it is on paper if she isn’t enjoying herself then move.

 

[Errin Paddywack]

A friend of a friend had to move to Germany, husband's job and took her very ordinary coloured cob with her. When she came back it was minus cob, she had had people falling over themselves to buy him. She came back with a young warmblood who got kicked first time out in the field and had his leg broken. Should have stuck to the cob.

 

[Arzada]

The yard is stunning a huge indoor, two outdoors, lunge pen, winter pen, horsewalker, beautiful off road hacking the works !

Any turnout?

 

[SussexbytheXmasTree]

A friend of a friend had to move to Germany, husband's job and took her very ordinary coloured cob with her. When she came back it was minus cob, she had had people falling over themselves to buy him. She came back with a young warmblood who got kicked first time out in the field and had his leg broken. Should have stuck to the cob.

How unlucky for that person to lose a beautiful young horse to a field injury.

 

[SussexbytheXmasTree]

I understand it’s hard to stop ourselves thinking about how others might perceive us. Some of that is healthy like behaving appropriately in the circumstances but it can go too far.

I was recently came across this advice “it’s none of your business what other people think of you” which I think is a great piece of advice. Added to that I bet your friend like we all do like some people and not others. It’s pretty normal as long as people aren’t horrible with it.

 

[Snowpup]

My yard is very unfriendly, apart from a couple of liveries. I particularly dislike the way that the younger liveries are treated/spoken to. Ignore and ignore again- it’s their own issues.

 

[Sossigpoker]

To answer the question: no.
Most horses on my yard are massive WBs. I have a 15hh cob and I think he's the bees knees ! I feel so blessed to have him and think he's just super and wouldn't swap him to these big show jumpers if you paid me.
Feeling like you're not good enough comes from inside you (unless you're surrounded by b!tches who tell you so ).
Do you and do it with a smile on your face! Life is too short to care about what anyone thinks - if you enjoy your horse and you both have a nice time ,.how is it anything to do with anyone else ?

 

[Widgeon]

Feeling like you're not good enough comes from inside you (unless you're surrounded by b!tches who tell you so ).

It's impossible to know which of these scenarios might be true of your friend's yard - there do seem to be a lot of people in the horse world who (in reality) don't do much at all, but like to behave as if they're preparing for Badminton, and look down on people who feel fulfilled by pottering around the countryside on a friendly cob. So if the problem is that the yard really does have that kind of a vibe, I'd leave. However if she's just suffering from the initial shock of being surrounded by all that money (haha) then I'd agree with everyone else that she just needs to have confidence that whatever she's doing is working for her and her horse. You can probably help by repeatedly telling her that....when you're having a big confidence wobble it really does help to have friends who can reinforce that you're doing the right thing!

 

[Birker2020]

I feel very unsure of myself at the moment as I have a new horse and I am constantly encountering problems and think certain people look down on me which makes me feel insecure due to my weight. And I get the feeling that certain people think I should be riding him now and to stop messing about and get on him, etc whereas I'm trying to build him up and get things right. Yet others have been brilliant and really supportive towards me.

I feel like I'm in a situation of total stress and I just can't think straight at the moment. For instance I tried the new boy in the trailer at the weekend. Partner parked up whilst I got him in from the field. But he parked so that no one else could get past and I knew someone wanted to past with their trailer shortly which put stress on me. I should have moved it but thought 'oh it will be ok'. Then all I could think about was that I was on a 'time limit' and rush, rush, rush.

Although I'd spent all week thinking about loading and putting on my hat and gloves, putting on his boots, sweeping through the trailer to get rid of the dust from the respray, getting a hay net ready (we were going to take him for a quick trip and back) and everything else, I did none of that. I ended loading him in a bit of a pressured rush without any boots, or hat for myself, or with any thought as to what to do if it all went wrong. I never put the stilts down or the jockey wheel to stabilise the trailer either and my partner wasn't ready to shut the ramp up when we were loaded. I ran out of treats and had to run and get some and then the people wanted to come past with their trailer by which time for some unexplicable reason my car battery had gone dead.

I could see people walking past watching and I felt like I was being discussed or criticised for the things that I was doing wrong. The harder I tried the worse it was. Someone had said earlier in the week when I'd said I was going to load him at the weekend 'if he goes on' which then put a complete negative feeling on the whole thing as I was then sure he wouldn't. As it was he did go on but when we shut the back door I wasn't able to get him across to move the partition and he started panicking and running into me and I ended up getting squished which frightened me, so I asked for the front ramp to come down and then he leapt off and I had to let go of him, lucky he was caught straight away. I kept thinking I could have been killed if he'd gone mad and got upset with myself and angry.

Whilst we did finish on a good note and he was walking through it without a problem three or four times with the help of my friend, I did feel that the whole thing had gone very pear shaped and that everyone will be saying that I was stupid and didn't do things right, which I do realise myself. I feel very angry with myself and I feel I've let him down and I'm not good enough for him. My confidence seems to have been hit and I can't stop being upset about it. I also feel that I don't need all this stress anymore and I'm worried that people think I'm weak and inexperienced when in actual fact I'm one of the strongest people I know (in certain situations) and been loading and travelling my six of my own horses for 25 + years on my own without issues.

 

[LEC]

It

Whilst we did finish on a good note and he was walking through it without a problem three or four times with the help of my friend, I did feel that the whole thing had gone very pear shaped and that everyone will be saying that I was stupid and didn't do things right, which I do realise myself. I feel very angry with myself and I feel I've let him down and I'm not good enough for him. My confidence seems to have been hit and I can't stop being upset about it. I also feel that I don't need all this stress anymore and I'm worried that people think I'm weak and inexperienced when in actual fact I'm one of the strongest people I know (in certain situations) and been loading and travelling my six of my own horses for 25 + years on my own without issues.

You finished on a good note, so great. Ironically horses do not need to finish on a good note and it has been proven its is not detrimental providing you have not made them fearful. It actually does not make them go backwards.

You are second guessing yourself and letting other people into your head space. Do you have a tune which makes you feel great? My current favourite is Sia and Unstoppable. Just listening to it is like a positive affirmation. Do you have videos of you riding where every time you look at them you remember how great it was and how it feels and the great feelings it gave you? I watch these and try to remember all the positive feelings while I am watching them. I also absolutely recommend listening the High Performance Podcast. Such interesting thoughts and things you can take away and use in everyday. I loved Jonny Wilkinsons on just staying in the Moment and something which is vital with horses. This is a world renowned player who wasn't happy at all during his playing career and how he has managed to overcome that to find joy.

You have to train your brain with feeling positive, feel motivated again and I think when things are really dragging you down with work, stuff going on and then its hard work in the winter with horses. Its not easy to feel positive. I would also get better about recording the positives. You will get better at it. Just in a diary to keep a record of the steps forward. Sometimes they will seem pathetic like I went to the yard and fed my horse a carrot, but on that day in the moment, that was the best you can do and you did it.

I think we all have moments where we are in a bad place. I was in a terrible one last year with horses. I had just come 8th at Bicton BE and the week after I could not stop crying about horses and whether the horse was too much for me, whether I was good enough and whether I really enjoyed it all. I put in a summer of hard work training, sorted out my head and started to enjoy it again.

If you want professional help I recommend sports pyschology. It really helped for me. I spend a fortune on the horse, so might as well spend some money on my own brain as well as if anything just as important as the horse being healthy.

 

[Birker2020]

It


You finished on a good note, so great. Ironically horses do not need to finish on a good note and it has been proven its is not detrimental providing you have not made them fearful. It actually does not make them go backwards.

You are second guessing yourself and letting other people into your head space. Do you have a tune which makes you feel great? My current favourite is Sia and Unstoppable. Just listening to it is like a positive affirmation. Do you have videos of you riding where every time you look at them you remember how great it was and how it feels and the great feelings it gave you? I watch these and try to remember all the positive feelings while I am watching them. I also absolutely recommend listening the High Performance Podcast. Such interesting thoughts and things you can take away and use in everyday. I loved Jonny Wilkinsons on just staying in the Moment and something which is vital with horses. This is a world renowned player who wasn't happy at all during his playing career and how he has managed to overcome that to find joy.

You have to train your brain with feeling positive, feel motivated again and I think when things are really dragging you down with work, stuff going on and then its hard work in the winter with horses. Its not easy to feel positive. I would also get better about recording the positives. You will get better at it. Just in a diary to keep a record of the steps forward. Sometimes they will seem pathetic like I went to the yard and fed my horse a carrot, but on that day in the moment, that was the best you can do and you did it.

I think we all have moments where we are in a bad place. I was in a terrible one last year with horses. I had just come 8th at Bicton BE and the week after I could not stop crying about horses and whether the horse was too much for me, whether I was good enough and whether I really enjoyed it all. I put in a summer of hard work training, sorted out my head and started to enjoy it again.

If you want professional help I recommend sports pyschology. It really helped for me. I spend a fortune on the horse, so might as well spend some money on my own brain as well as if anything just as important as the horse being healthy.

Thank you. Those comments are really constructive. I'm just being silly. My partner has always said that I worry about what others think. Those really positive, confident happy people never worry about what others think, they are so lucky I envy them.

I think I do feel unmotivated by doing groundwork for 3 months and I'm just stale and bored. The most exciting day of the week is doing the supermarket shop, I kid you not.

Its horrid when you think people are criticising, someone said my horse keeps knocking the poles (when he was first injured and was finding it hard to use his muscles as he had no top line and no muscle to speak of) then they said 'oh you nearly came off him' when he started reacting under saddle to his new saddle. Someone said "he's no good for you, you wanted something to hack out on your own" because he'd played up the only time I tried him with a saddle that was hurting him. Then I was told he only had 50% chance of recovery from his injury. All these negatives have just been playing on my brain day in day out, its all I can think of. Any happy positive things have dissappeared and in their place is "what if" and wondering what more people are saying behind my back that I don't know about.

I think sports phychology is great, I used CBT for competition nerves years ago and it helped at the time. Its something I need to look into, I struggle with my mental health and feel very down and depressed at times and then take every little criticism and blow it out of all proportion.

I'm going to try again with the trailer tonight and this time will have everything in place, feed, boots, hat, gloves etc.

Sorry you were struggling last year. Glad you got sorted. Maybe the same can happen to me.

 

[Zuzan]

It


You finished on a good note, so great. Ironically horses do not need to finish on a good note and it has been proven its is not detrimental providing you have not made them fearful. It actually does not make them go backwards. .......

I think the finishing on a good note is probably something that helps us humans though.

Agree about the feeling not good enough.. (you don't need the final half of the sentence) .. it is about self worth and confidence. Being mindful that someone who is normally confident and does have positive self worth in a situation that is new / more challenging can lose confidence and self worth. That's when a good support network is important .. be it friends / family and / or professional.

 

[LEC]

Thank you. Those comments are really constructive. I'm just being silly. My partner has always said that I worry about what others think. Those really positive, confident happy people never worry about what others think, they are so lucky I envy them.

They truly do not exist, people just get better at diffusing out the noise and learning where to listen and what to ignore. Weirdly, I was just discussing this about a well known awful person who always has the statement, I don't care what other people think. Well, by making that statement, you do!

On the whole, I am pretty good at blocking out people, there are people's opinions I rate and everyone else doesn't matter. I live by the mantra of Dr Seuss.
'Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.'

 

[LEC]

I think the finishing on a good note is probably something that helps us humans though.

And sometimes that is not best for the horse. We forget they do not think or work in the same way. I was having this conversation earlier with friends about passive leadership, which actually is not how horses behave in a herd at all. It seems to be the big thing where people want such a great relationship with their horse without conflict. Yet, I watch hours of my mare herd and they quite often show strong action especially from the lead mare who is telling them what to do quite often and bossing them about.

 

[Zuzan]

And sometimes that is not best for the horse. We forget they do not think or work in the same way. I was having this conversation earlier with friends about passive leadership, which actually is not how horses behave in a herd at all. It seems to be the big thing where people want such a great relationship with their horse without conflict. Yet, I watch hours of my mare herd and they quite often show strong action especially from the lead mare who is telling them what to do quite often and bossing them about.

Agree but it is very very individual .. Mark Rashid in his book singled out one horse as a passive leader .. others definitely not. That is part of the getting to understand a new horse, whether they like / understand / respond well to active or passive leadership and will often move between the two.. Psychology of horse and human is just one of the most fascinating things.

 

[LEC]

Also while I am thinking about it the book 'The subtle art of not giving a f**k' by Mark Manson would be timely.

 

[Birker2020]

Agree but it is very very individual .. Mark Rashid in his book singled out one horse as a passive leader .. others definitely not. That is part of the getting to understand a new horse, whether they like / understand / respond well to active or passive leadership and will often move between the two.. Psychology of horse and human is just one of the most fascinating things.

Is this the book to which you refer? I may get it on Kindle, I like the Margrit Coates books too.

 

[Zuzan]

@Birker2020 yes that's the one

 

[LegOn]

I think its a shame your friend feels like that at her new yard where it seems like a really 'fantasy' type yard.

Sometimes though, the things that you feel other people might be 'trying' to make you feel, when you realise - that is not your problem, its theirs - it can be quite freeing. No one can make you feel something you dont want to feel, dont allow them that power over you. If they 'want' you feel like you arent good enough, how sad is their life that they are actually bothered about it. They are to be pitied not feared.

She could try writing down a list of all the things she really likes about the yard and about her horse being there - and if she doesnt feel she is good enough, she could start by trying to fake it until she makes it, by borrowing some of the feeling that her horse deserves the best, and if her horse is happy, she is happy. She can then start to transfer that to her own feelings about being there. If is has everything she wants, and she pays for and she is doing what she wants to do - thats all that matters.

Other peoples opinions of me are not my problem. Its their problem. Its a very freeing concept!