Dog PTS - not telling daughter have I done the right thing

LisaS

LisaS

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I know this is probably not the right place to post this but as I post on here for horsey things thought I would ask for advice here.

My daughter who is 23 on 31st May has a Dachshund that has always lived with me (last 6 years). She has been away at University doing a Law degree and has her final exams at the moment. She has her last ever exam next week,on the day of her 23rd birthday.

Sadly last night we found Dennis (her Dachshund) with his back legs not working. No idea at all what happened as he was in the kitchen with the other dogs. Took him immediately to the vets, he did at the time have some element of feeling in his hind legs when vets used forceps to apply pressure.

Decision made for anti-inflammatory and cage rest, with review in 24 hours if no bladder not functioning.

Sadly he had no bladder/bowel control, took him back tonight, and absolutely no feeling at all in both hind legs and made the decision to PTS. I have not told my daughter at the moment.

My daughter is in her final 8 days of a 4 year Law Degree, with exams finishing next Thursday. Is has been very sad but I know that i did the right thing by Dennis and did not prolong his suffering.

I am torn however that I have not at the moment told my daughter, she adores him, but I know how upset she would be if I told her now, and she has final exams over the next week that will help shape the rest of her life. She will be so upset at not being able to say goodbye.

I am so worried over this, have I done the right thing by not telling her?
 
You have done the right thing, her knowing now or next week won't change a thing (other than if she wanted his ashes, but then I don't know if you have had him cremated or if you have requested the ashes...).
 
This is your decision, you know you'r daughter, but i have to say, if it was my daughter i would have to tell her!
 
Yes, you've done the right thing not telling her. All telling her will do is (at best) distract her from revision and exams...telling her now won't change what's happened to her dog and telling her after the exams are over won't be any easier but will help prevent damage to her degree. Honestly, you've done the right thing...my cat died during my first year exams at uni and my parents didn't tell me until later. It's been 15 years since then and I still appreciate their consideration at the time.
 
You poor thing, what a dreadful thing to happen and a heart-breaking decision.

I think you've answered your own question though when you say the outcome of these exams could affect her whole life. I'd let her get through them, then find a way to tell her, if possible face-to-face.

She is obviously going to be very very upset and initially might be cross that you didn't tell her at the time, but in the end she'll understand.

There's no "right" decision here, but I think that's what I'd do. Hugs for you, it must be a terrible burden. :(
 
Im sure lots of people will say you should have told her, but I honestly think theres nothing that could have been done, she couldnt be there and theres no benefit to her being upset at this vital time in her university career.
Yes, she will be upset and/or angry, yes, Im sure she would have thought about coming to be with him, but I can totally see why you did what you did.

My mother told me someone close to me had died, shortly before an exam, I was upset and it was on my mind. She said 'she didnt think I would have been that bothered'. Id rather she had told me afterwards.
And in my third year my father was in hospital and died during my exam period. If you can delay stressing her for the next few days, Id personally do it.
 
You know your daughter, if she would struggle to stay focussed on her final exam, hmmm possibly the right decision, but if she wasnt able to say goodbye when the chance was there, she might be very upset with you when she finds out. Its done now, so to me theres no point in upsetting her now as the dog is gone.
 
I think you did the right thing, if she fell apart after the news and mucked up her exams you would feel worse. I think she will understand why you did it and i am sure she will be grateful to you.
really sorry that you have lost the wee dog :(
 
Thanks for all your replies.

I do feel very very guilty that she potentially didn't have the chance to say goodbye, tbut he outcome was always going to be the same.

I have lived here in the UK for appox 15 years and I did a MBA starting 2000 as a mature age student. Right at the end of my degree in 2004 my dad died about 4 days before my final exam. (sounds familiar eh!).

My husband and family chose not to tell me at the time, as I couldn't change anything. I did not make the funeral, but did get back home to Australia for the burial. (was a few days apart due to distance between funeral service & burial)

I hope that she understands and will eventually forgive me. What a hard decision this has been.....
 
I agree, think you're doing the right thing. Even if her grief manifests as anger initially she will in time look back and appreciate your actions.

I leased a pony from RS when I was at school, worked my socks off to pay for her, and she was PTS on a Monday (day off for everyone) yet no one told me for a couple of days as I was doing GCSEs and in the middle of big coursework deadlines. I was very upset that I hadn't been told immediately but looking back there would have been no benefit to knowing sooner, what was done was done and me being aware wouldn't have changed the situation one iota.

I hope your daughter does well in her exams and condolences for the loss of the pooch.
 
I too have a daughter sitting exams at uni - although not the last year ones. To be honest if it was me I would have done exactly the same. Yes she may not have got to say goodbye, but would she have wanted the dog to suffer whilst waiting for her to come home. Yes I think when she finds out she will be very angry and upset, but she will soon realise that you did what was best for her and the dog at the time.

It was a dreadful decision to have to make - but I think you did the right thing for both the dog and your daughter.
 
Your daughter is 23 so she will understand why you have had to put her dog to sleep. I think if you leave it for the eight days or whatever until she finished exams and comes home she will be more upset. Tell her as soon as possible as it will be better for her to find out and then even though she'll be heart-broken it's better then hiding it from her for almost two weeks as she'd probably be mad at you for that...hope this helps :) and sorry for your loss :(
 
As a recent law grad I can sympathise with your decision - during our finals my course-mates and I were pulling our hair out, crying for no reason and basically spent a good month stressed out of our minds. Hearing news like that would completely have pushed me too far and I wouldn't have been able to revise/retain information having that in the back of my mind. I think you've done the right thing, but perhaps be prepared for some backlash - even at 23 years old your daughter may take some time to realise that you had her best interests at heart. Once she is done grieving she will come round.
 
If you had told your daughter before the dog was PTS & she had wanted to say goodbye, not only would there have been possible consequences for her exams but it could have prolonged the dogs suffering. Now the dog has been PTS it makes no difference if she knows now or after her exams.
 
Although I can see why you have done it, and I do understand why to a point. If this happened to me and any of my dogs or cat was pts and I wasn't told about it, for whatever reason, I don't think I could ever forgive my parents.

Not being able to have said goodbye and knowing I'd been lied to, exam or not, I'd be completely devastated.

But before anyone decides to jump all over me, this is my PERSONAL view.
 
I think you did the right thing. Not quite the same but when my daughter was at uni her cat was run over and killed, I made the decision not to tell her over the phone but wait till she was home some 2weeks later.
 
I don't feel that you've lied to her ^ , if anything you've done what anyone who loves their daughter would do , you've protected her from some very sad news in the hope that she can get these exams done , big hugs from me cos ATM you are carrying this saddness on YOUR shoulders when i'm sure all you would rather do is share it with her and cry together! I'd like to think that she would understand why you've done this , best wishes and RIP Dennis x
 
You have absolutely done the right thing!!

My pony was kicked whilst I was at uni doing exams and broke his leg. My mum did not tell me as I was due to come home in the next few days and didn't want me driving for 3hours with that on my mind as I would have almost certainly had an accident.

I arrived home and mum started crying as soon as she saw me and told me what had happened and we went straight up to the yard. I was absolutely heartbroken but at no point did I blame my mum for not telling me. Obviously I would have liked to have been there for my boy straight away but I trust my mum 100% and know she would always do right by the horses.

Obviously your daughter will be heartbroken but telling her would only have a disruptive effect on her exams and you did the best thing by the dog. I would be more upset if my animal had been left suffering for weeks waiting for me to come back to decide what to do.

I hope my story gives you at least some peace of mind as I have been on the receiving end and am certain it's the right thing to do. Xx
 
I too think you have done the right thing

Not the same thing at all but an example of protecting our grown up kids :D

I had to have my young horse PTS last week and my son is on his first holiday in 10 years. Even though the horse was mine and he is not horsey, I still haven't told him as I know he would have got the first flight home to support me. He really needed this holiday so no way was I going to spoil it

Yes he will be a little cross with me but he will understand and no doubt be grateful
 
as a mum i would do exactly the same, :) she may be upset and a little angry with you to start with but i'm sure once you explain your reasons she will see that you did it for her benefit not yours.x
 
she'll probably disagree at first but you have done the right thing. i had a similar situation a few years back where my mum kept some bad news until after my exams, I was upset at first for not being told earlier but it was better that way x
 
At 23 I'm sure she would understand but i can see your reasons for not telling her.

If your worried that she'll be upset about the the amount of time it's taken you to tell her that her beloved dog has died then just tell her it happened just before her exam so it doesn't look like it's taken you so long to tell her?

I was in Spain when my horse was PTS when the YO who was looking after her was riding and due to a freak accident she broke her leg. The YO dealt with everything but didn't tell me until i was back.
I glad she waited as there was nothing i could have done, i couldn't come back and it would have ruined my honeymoon...not quite the same as a Law Degree but i don't think she'll be angry with you if she doesn't find out until after her exams.
 
Personally I would have wanted to know but everyone is different.

I had a situation once when one of my mums friends died whilst she was on holiday and the funeral took place before she got home, I made the decision not to tell her until she got back from holiday as there was nothing she could have done and it would have spoilt her holiday.

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer you are just doing what you think is best and I am sure she will understand that.
 
One of my horses had to be PTS whilst I was in Italy. I wasn't told until I came back. Ideally I would like to have been told when it happened, but actually what good would it have done. I wouldn't have made it back in time and been in hysterics because I couldn't get to her. It was very hard for the person looking after her though as I rang up every morning and said "how are the horses?" :(

Hope the exams go well and I am very sorry about your dog.
 
Yes I think you've done the right thing. When my Father had a heart attack during my exams, my family waited until I had finished them to tell me he was currently in hospital! I fully understood why.
 
I'm also at the end of a 4 year degree and have my final exams over the next week and a half. So long as she doesn't have an exam tomorrow, say, I really think you should tell her. I would be furious if one of my animals had had to be put to sleep and my mum hadn't told me. I've said this to her right from the off though, if something happens, she needs to tell me right away. This resulted in her having to tell me that my cat had been hit by a car when I'd just travelled from Spain to Portugal to start the second half of my year abroad, but I would rather have known than found out later. He was okay in the end, though he was quite poorly for a while, so I suppose it is a bit different. My mum and my sister are also looking after my pony for me, and if something happened to her I would want to know, final exams or not. But I suppose I am looking at it from the other side; whether my mum would actually tell me, in the middle of my exams, that something terrible had happened, is another matter. However, I would want, if possible, to know beforehand, so I could get myself used to the idea, even if I couldn't get home to say goodbye. In terms of your daughter passing her exams, I'm sure you've done the right thing. But whether it is actually the right thing for her, as a human being, I'm not so sure. I think you should have told her before, as soon as you realized her dog would have to be PTS. Like I said, I would want to know, final exams or not.
 
I think this is one of the few occasions where not telling her straight away is the right thing to do. It would be different if telling her would have meant that she had the chance to say goodbye, but that isnt the case. I suspect she will be a little bit angry initially but it is in her interests long term and she will come to see that.

Just dont take it to heart if she is angry initially, she will be in grief and will lash out probably. But will get over it, and hopefully will do well in her exams.
 
I think anyone with a bit of life experience is going to think you've done the right thing. This is about seeing the big picture in relation to your daughters long term future prospects. The only thing telling her is going to possibly change is her exan results.
FWIW I think you're being very unselfish in taking this course of action. It's not in your best interests to withold the sad news, but it is in hers, in the same way as having the dog PTS was in his best interests too.

R I P Dennis.
 
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