Elderly relative dog neglect

[Clodagh]

I've just got back from MIL's. I'm worried she isn't always feeding her dogs. They have long had the bare minimum of care but they get by, she has a big garden.
Last week I thought there was more food left than there should have been, but I wasn't sure. This week she has only used two tins, she should have used five.
Now I do go over every day but she is sure that she does look after them. In her head they get a walk every day and so on. She gets extrememly angry at any other suggestions and when I queried, while doing her shopping list, the number of tins she said 'well they are still alive, aren't they' and basically kicked me out. I do not argue with her. (Any more, tried that, doesn't work).
Not feeding is going to have to be us stepping in and removing them, but she will be very upset. No one else is allowed to walk them or look after them in any way.

 

[Pearlsacarolsinger]

I think I would pass this on to your husband, she is his mother after all.

 

[Tiddlypom]

The animals have to come first in this, as I’m sure is your natural inclination.

If she is no longer able to look after them, will your OH back you up in removing them?

 

[CorvusCorax]

Can you feed them sneakily without her realising?

 

[Bellasophia]

Are they looking thin?

..perhaps you could take a sack of kibble to your mils house and give them a handful each time you are there..at least if they are hungry they will eat something..even an automatic dispenser is an idea,if your mil is getting forgetful re food times.
If they are small breed ,many often recommend free feeding,which the latter idea would cover.

 

[AmyMay]

How do the dogs look? Who walks them?

 

[Clodagh]

I think I would pass this on to your husband, she is his mother after all.

On this one he is actually looking quite helpful. He will be the one that does it, his brother might even drag himself over. They are both dog lovers.

 

[Clodagh]

The animals have to come first in this, as I’m sure is your natural inclination.

If she is no longer able to look after them, will your OH back you up in removing them?

He will, I won't do it, he can. It would be an absolute relief to have them gone, poor little things, they cause me more stress than she does.

 

[Clodagh]

Can you feed them sneakily without her realising?

No, I cannot enter the house unseen and she watches me like a hawk. I can go over there at their feeding time for the next few days and 'help' perhaps. I can try.

 

[Clodagh]

How do the dogs look? Who walks them?

It is hard to tell if they are thin (ungroomed Border terriers who are so excited to have any human attention that they are very manic if you try to touch them). They weren't thin last time I had a good feel, about 8 weeks ago.
No one walks them. They often pee in the house but mainly when the weather is nice the house door is open.

 

[AmyMay]

Would she actually notice if they weren’t there?

 

[Red-1]

I feel for you. Mum adored her dog, but latterly he became incontinent in the house. He is perfectly continent now. I am pretty sure it was just that he wasn't let out in a timely manner. She did, however feed him correctly.

My situation resolved as she needed help to care for herself, and went into independent living, and we re-homed the dog. Not for long though, he now lives with us!

I don't have any gems for you, just that I know what a difficult time it is for all concerned, MIL and dog included. I had to tell the independent living manager that mum wasn't able to care for the dog, they did allow dogs, it was an uncomfortable conversation. Mum never really forgave me, I don't think.

 

[Goldenstar]

I had to take my parents dog it was awful .
You need to what’s right that may be feeding them on the sly for a while but it’s likely you need to brace yourselves to take them .

 

[EventingMum]

You have my sympathy, I had the opposite with my dad. Having always kept dogs at a very healthy weight, his last one became grossly overweight. We put him on a diet kibble and wondered why he wasn't losing weight but discovered he was being fed multiple time a day as dad was forgetting he had fed him, one time I went in and he was grating cheese over the kibble! Hopefully, your OH can intervene so you're not the bad person in this scenario.

 

[Clodagh]

Would she actually notice if they weren’t there?

She never pats them, only shouts 'shut up' to acknowledge their presence. Yes she would miss them though, in a way untenable to most of us!

 

[Clodagh]

Are they looking thin?

..perhaps you could take a sack of kibble to your mils house and give them a handful each time you are there..at least if they are hungry they will eat something..even an automatic dispenser is an idea,if your mil is getting forgetful re food times.
If they are small breed ,many often recommend free feeding,which the latter idea would cover.

They are incredibly greedy, but a timed thing would be a good idea.

 

[Clodagh]

I had to take my parents dog it was awful .
You need to what’s right that may be feeding them on the sly for a while but it’s likely you need to brace yourselves to take them .

How did you actually do it?

 

[Goldenstar]

Having been in your situation all I can say it’s not all about the elderly person sometimes you have to do what’s right .

 

[Clodagh]

Having been in your situation all I can say it’s not all about the elderly person sometimes you have to do what’s right .

I can absolutely see it happening this winter, but the trouble is you can't tell her in advance or present her with an ultimatum, her mind is like a running tap with no plug in the basin.

 

[Goldenstar]

I just took the dog one night when my Dad was having a psychotic episode.
She was terrified .
She got to us and slept for a week .
it was a very very bad time .
Dad got sectioned and Mum was home alone half caring for the cat .I thought of taking him but could not quite leave her alone so we muddled through he was on her bed when the paramedics found her dead in bed .
One of them had tears in her eyes and asked me what would happen to him it was so lovely in a horrible time that she cared .
We have them both .

 

[Clodagh]

I just took the dog one night when my Dad was having a psychotic episode.
She was terrified .
She got to us and slept for a week .
it was a very very bad time .
Dad got sectioned and Mum was home alone half caring for the cat .I thought of taking him but could not quite leave her alone so we muddled through he was on her bed when the paramedics found her dead in bed .
One of them had tears in her eyes and asked me what would happen to him it was so lovely in a horrible time that she cared .
We have them both .

That sounds beyond awful. Lucky animals.

 

[Ranyhyn]

How awful for you and the dogs.

I walk for the Cinnamon Trust, I wonder could they help in this situation? I dont know if you'd feel better being removed from it or not, but they do deal with the elderly and pets daily so they might at least be able to offer some good advice.

 

[meleeka]

I’ve recently had the opposite. MIL was feeding her dog too much (4 cans of Butchers a day!) I felt very responsible because I found the dog for them, but in my defence she was perfectly well cared for when FIL was alive. He died last November and it was getting to the stage where I didn’t think it was fair on the dog. She’d started to hit it with a shoe, which with her strength probably didn’t hurt the dog but not good with a nervous dog at all. The situation resolved itself when she had a fall and was taken to hospital. She pretty much lost her mind and is now in a care home so we have the dog. I’m not sure how it would have gone if she hadn’t as OH wasn’t keen on conversations involving removing the dog.

I think If you could be there at feeding times you’d at least be able to remind her and then perhaps she’ll see that she’s not up to dog ownership.

 

[Clodagh]

I’ve recently had the opposite. MIL was feeding her dog too much (4 cans of Butchers a day!) I felt very responsible because I found the dog for them, but in my defence she was perfectly well cared for when FIL was alive. He died last November and it was getting to the stage where I didn’t think it was fair on the dog. She’d started to hit it with a shoe, which with her strength probably didn’t hurt the dog but not good with a nervous dog at all. The situation resolved itself when she had a fall and was taken to hospital. She pretty much lost her mind and is now in a care home so we have the dog. I’m not sure how it would have gone if she hadn’t as OH wasn’t keen on conversations involving removing the dog.

I think If you could be there at feeding times you’d at least be able to remind her and then perhaps she’ll see that she’s not up to dog ownership.

You and GS are both very good taking in the dogs. I can’t as the younger terrier bullies my young lab. I am sure they will be easy to rehome though.
I can be there at feeding times occasionally, will make a start with that.
Thank you

 

[Clodagh]

How awful for you and the dogs.

I walk for the Cinnamon Trust, I wonder could they help in this situation? I dont know if you'd feel better being removed from it or not, but they do deal with the elderly and pets daily so they might at least be able to offer some good advice.

Trouble is in her mind she walks them everyday, so she doesn’t need help. She is incredibly convincing and will describe the walk and everything.

CT might be able to advise though, I shall have a look at their website.

 

[Goldenstar]

Just like my parents my Dad would tell you where he had been , he never left the house .

 

[MrsMozartleto]

Nothing really useful to add. And I'm incredibly sorry for all the stress and sadness that people have and are experiencing. Make me stop and wonder what I'll be like if/when I hit that stage in life and how, if possible, one can prepare for it.

 

[Red-1]

It is a really hard time of life, I will admit. The dog was the least of my worries at the time, he was at least fed and the toileting can be cleaned up from the rugs. It was more when she was going to the bank and stopping random strangers to give them her card and PIN number, asking them to take out £500 cash from the hole in the wall. Or panicking about little things and getting really upset. Or imagining things, such as imaginary visitors in the flat being awful to her (CCTV checked, no one there).

All that wouldn't be so hard if it weren't that, if I tried to sort stuff out, she thought I was 'interfering' and would tell people that I was overstepping my mark as a POA. She came across as very plausible, all the 'experts' said she had full capacity when she was just putting on a facade for them. If I had tried to make her properly safe, she would have cut me out of her life, and I am the only close relative.

It has been a simply awful time of my life (and hers too). Bad enough that it has changed me, made me give up horse aspirations, stop competing, stop riding some of the time, sell my lovely young horse. Some days I have considered it a bonus if I managed to leave the house with my trousers on the right way round (twice I didn't succeed, a couple more times I realised as I was about to leave).

At least I have a wonderful Mr Red to support me. Plus I now have a tank of a cob, with whom I need do nothing if I don't want.

Oh, and BTW, I also ended up with her dog!

 

[Clodagh]

I’ve liked your comment, although there isn’t much to like about it.
I’m so sorry.

 

[Clodagh]

Nothing really useful to add. And I'm incredibly sorry for all the stress and sadness that people have and are experiencing. Make me stop and wonder what I'll be like if/when I hit that stage in life and how, if possible, one can prepare for it.

Very true, about how we will cope ourselves. I suspect that our boys, while watching us now, will emigrate.