Elderly relative dog neglect

[Red-1]

I decided that the key will be to stay active for as long as I can, then book myself in somewhere before I really need it. Such as the independent living, extricate facility. You can choose to have carers or not, but they are there, on site.

That way, when I start to lose my grip, I will already be familiar with the routines. I have no children or close relatives apart from Mr Red. Some of the homes I have seen, I would dread to be there. It has been such a fight, to find suitable provision. In retrospect, she stayed here, with me helping, for too long. When it became too much, it was already too late for her to adjust to somewhere new.

 

[twiggy2]

I have no advice that has not already been given but just wanted give some support to those of you going through or those who have been through these tough times.

 

[Clodagh]

I decided that the key will be to stay active for as long as I can, then book myself in somewhere before I really need it. Such as the independent living, extricate facility. You can choose to have carers or not, but they are there, on site.

That way, when I start to lose my grip, I will already be familiar with the routines. I have no children or close relatives apart from Mr Red. Some of the homes I have seen, I would dread to be there. It has been such a fight, to find suitable provision. In retrospect, she stayed here, with me helping, for too long. When it became too much, it was already too late for her to adjust to somewhere new.

That is absolutely the problem. My OH says if I stopped helping her we could have moved her out before. Well the trouble is recognising that point.

On the plus side she fed the dogs the last two nights.

 

[paddy555]

It is a really hard time of life, I will admit. The dog was the least of my worries at the time, he was at least fed and the toileting can be cleaned up from the rugs. It was more when she was going to the bank and stopping random strangers to give them her card and PIN number, asking them to take out £500 cash from the hole in the wall. Or panicking about little things and getting really upset. Or imagining things, such as imaginary visitors in the flat being awful to her (CCTV checked, no one there).

All that wouldn't be so hard if it weren't that, if I tried to sort stuff out, she thought I was 'interfering' and would tell people that I was overstepping my mark as a POA. She came across as very plausible, all the 'experts' said she had full capacity when she was just putting on a facade for them. If I had tried to make her properly safe, she would have cut me out of her life, and I am the only close relative.

It has been a simply awful time of my life (and hers too). Bad enough that it has changed me, made me give up horse aspirations, stop competing, stop riding some of the time, sell my lovely young horse. Some days I have considered it a bonus if I managed to leave the house with my trousers on the right way round (twice I didn't succeed, a couple more times I realised as I was about to leave).

At least I have a wonderful Mr Red to support me. Plus I now have a tank of a cob, with whom I need do nothing if I don't want.

Oh, and BTW, I also ended up with her dog!

View attachment 56195

didn't want to like your post but I did want to acknowledge it. I had exactly the same except the imaginary thieves even flushed the loo during their visit.
I have never been so close to anti depressants and I am someone who would never even have considered them.I am afraid this situation can just about break you . The medical staff also wouldn't acknowledge she didn't have full capacity. The first time they told me she had alzheimers was when the doctor rang to tell me that was the first entry on the death cert. Five years later and it is still hard to remember her.

Clodagh, whatever you do about the dogs you will never win. I think your OH is right about stopping helping her. Having been there you are past that point. Nothing you do for her will be right and you will have a life when this is all over. It is very important to realise that. I nearly went under. I wouldn't like anyone else to do the same.

 

[Moobli]

So sorry to hear of the struggles many of you have faced or are facing.

 

[FestiveG]

In a way we had the opposite problem with Dad. When he lost the last elderly lab we suggested he either get another pup, or take in an older dog. He made the choice not to, although he knew we'd take on any dog he had when he was no more. I still think it did not help him to live entirely alone? I'm sure he would have fed a dog just fine, but he didn't take good care of himself when he had no dog.

 

[Clodagh]

In a way we had the opposite problem with Dad. When he lost the last elderly lab we suggested he either get another pup, or take in an older dog. He made the choice not to, although he knew we'd take on any dog he had when he was no more. I still think it did not help him to live entirely alone? I'm sure he would have fed a dog just fine, but he didn't take good care of himself when he had no dog.

That is sad. I do think dogs give many people a reason to get up and face the world.

 

[Clodagh]

An update. I bought some Harrington's complete food and transferred it to a bag similar to the one the terrier meal comes in. I then tipped it into their meal food bin. They are being fed meal, she isn't doing the tins. (I don't know why, she can open them OK, I think she is worried about running out, although she has a lot of back stock).
It is good news in that they look much better and the older one is actually growing some new hair on her back.
Next issue, she has walked them a little bit over the weekend (only round the farmyard but still it is good). The younger one she won't let off lead and she used to wear a collar that she clipped the lead to. She now doesn't put the collar on but instead tied an extendable lead round her neck. The dog was choking. We had a stonking row, which achieves nothing, and now I need a solution.
I thought I could buy a collar you just clip together, no buckles, and if I left it attached to the lead it would be easy to do up and undo? Unless anyone has a better suggestion then can someone measure a terrier's neck and tell me what size I need!? She is a mid sized border bitch.

 

[Pearlsacarolsinger]

Sometimes those clips are harder to do than buckles. Can the dog wear the collar all the time? I would be tempted to buy a couple adjustable ones of approximately the right size with those push in clip fastenings that can be really stiff to undo and put the most appropriate one on the dog and leave it there, then MIL can just clip the lead onto the collar. It really isn't worth arguing about it with MIL, just do things when you are in the house, as if the course of action has already been agreed, as you have done with the dog food. Treat her as you would a horse or dog, dont discuss, just persevere calmly, set MIL and yourself up to succeed.
Good luck!

 

[Clodagh]

The dog already has a collar, that she used to wear all the time. I will have a better search for it. I hate them wearing them 24/7 but I suppose it’s better than being strangled.

 

[Clodagh]

And I do know that arguments achieve nothing. ?
She deliberately flicked the dog through the air with the lead as she wanted to come and see my dogs and I had to say something.
She always has been horrible to them, but still.

 

[Pearlsacarolsinger]

The dog already has a collar, that she used to wear all the time. I will have a better search for it. I hate them wearing them 24/7 but I suppose it’s better than being strangled.

Oh yes always opt for the lesser if 2 evils

 

[The Xmas Furry]

The dog already has a collar, that she used to wear all the time. I will have a better search for it. I hate them wearing them 24/7 but I suppose it’s better than being strangled.

Like this type?
https://www.petsathome.com/shop/en/pets/pets-at-home-reflective-padded-dog-collar-medium-red

 

[Clodagh]

Like this type?
https://www.petsathome.com/shop/en/pets/pets-at-home-reflective-padded-dog-collar-medium-red

That's the one I had in mind for MIL to put on with the lead.

 

[TheresaW]

We have those type of collars for our 2. Although they’re fine for us to put on and off, they can be quite stiff to undo them.

 

[The Xmas Furry]

That's the one I had in mind for MIL to put on with the lead.

I'd work it a bit before handing over, just to ensure it's not too stiff x

 

[splashgirl45]

mine have their collars on all of the time but they are loose enough so that they can slip out of them, i use a half choke which is attached to the lead and they are adjusted to only go as tight as a collar so they cant slip out of them..they are easy to put over the dogs head and no danger of choking them so you could adjust them before they are used...

 

[Pearlsacarolsinger]

I'd work it a bit before handing over, just to ensure it's not too stiff x

I wouldn't, I would put it on and hope that MIL cant take it off, tbh.

 

[TheresaW]

mine have their collars on all of the time but they are loose enough so that they can slip out of them, i use a half choke which is attached to the lead and they are adjusted to only go as tight as a collar so they cant slip out of them..they are easy to put over the dogs head and no danger of choking them so you could adjust them before they are used...

Our used to have their collar on all the time relatively loose. One sunday afternoon, Luna started screaming. Her and Aled had been play fighting, and she’d twisted as he was on her neck. Her collar twisted around his jaw. If we hadn’t been home, it would have killed her. We only put collars on when we go out now.

 

[TheresaW]

I wouldn't, I would put it on and hope that MIL cant take it off, tbh.

I do agree in this situation, but fit it quite snug if possible?

 

[Clodagh]

Will let you all know what works.

 

[Tiddlypom]

Our JRTs have always worn collars full time, mainly for attaching their name tags... Fingers crossed, we’ve never had an issue, despite lots of terrier rummaging.

This is the current JRT modelling a Pets at home collar, a 3 Peaks one, with a similar fastening.

 

[Clodagh]

Our JRTs have always worn collars full time, mainly for attaching their name tags... Fingers crossed, we’ve never had an issue, despite lots of terrier rummaging.

This is the current JRT modelling a Pets at home collar, a 3 Peaks one, with a similar fastening.

View attachment 57776

What size TP?

 

[Tiddlypom]

Small, but she’s petite, weighs about 7kg.

 

[The Xmas Furry]

I wouldn't, I would put it on and hope that MIL cant take it off, tbh.

Lol, good idea batman!

 

[Christmascinnamoncookie]

Get a very adjustable small so you can fit it, although I’d be tempted to remove all leads bar slip leads. Have you spoken to her gp? I think it would be useful to lay some groundwork now re her state of mind/inability to look after herself/the dogs.

Your OH is right, C, looking after her will prolong her being ‘independent‘ when she isn’t really capable, but it looks like she is because she’s being monitored.

 

[Pearlsacarolsinger]

Get a very adjustable small so you can fit it, although I’d be tempted to remove all leads bar slip leads. Have you spoken to her gp? I think it would be useful to lay some groundwork now re her state of mind/inability to look after herself/the dogs.

Your OH is right, C, looking after her will prolong her being ‘independent‘ when she isn’t really capable, but it looks like she is because she’s being monitored.

Yes, I would remove anything that you feel is unsuitable. She won't know if she doesn't actually see you take stuff away.

 

[Clodagh]

I don't know if you have tried to speak to a GP since February but ours are not contactable. We went through a lot of hoops about her last year and got no where. I am tryng not to shoot down responses! I wouldn't let a dog starve to death and I can't her, either.

 

[Clodagh]

She only has leads with clips on, and if I take those away she won't use anything else. It will have to be an easy to clip collar with a big loop for the clip, I will see what I can find.

 

[Christmascinnamoncookie]

I don't know if you have tried to speak to a GP since February but ours are not contactable. We went through a lot of hoops about her last year and got no where. I am tryng not to shoot down responses! I wouldn't let a dog starve to death and I can't her, either.

I know what you mean, it’s a very difficult dilemma.

We’ve been fortunate in that we can contact our GP reasonably easily. I needed to renew meds recently and they would only prescribe 3 months. Got the package home and have 9 months. ?