Family fall out and property woes

BlackIrishBeauty

BlackIrishBeauty

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So I just wanted some view points on what you think I should do…

I keep my horses in my parents property however, me and my husband are currently looking to buy our own stables and home and hopefully have found one.

However, in the meantime, my family have massively fell out and seem to think that they can help themselves to my ponies and my equipment. I have asked them to stop but I doubt it will. It’s been branded as ‘their property’ and all sorts and is not a nice environment.

Obviously the horses were going to be moving off in the next 6 months hopefully but the situation is really getting me down.

Would you

- move the horses onto livery but end up paying an £800 livery bill a month (obviously may also impact our affordability) I will also say that I pay for my electric and water, as well as all maintenance of my parents yard. I have also invested about £15k in fencing, general maintenance as before I moved on, it was derelict.
- suck it up- be polite and just keep thinking of the end goal.

I’m an emotional wreck and husband just wants me to make a decision.
 
Tiddlypom said:
Is there any valid legal reason why your family think that the horses and the equipment is theirs?

Just wondering if they will dispute ownership or not.
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Not at all, they are just entitled and think because they’re on their land- they can help themselves. Very clear that things belong to me.
 
tristars said:
Its quite a common thing renting property to be purchased

And means you only move the one time instead of the stress of temp yard then on to new prop

I have done this
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Agree with this .
When we where moving to our current place we rented one of the fields so we didn’t have to move multiple times
 
It seems to me that unless there is a radical move towards some sort of reconciliation, things are not likely to get any better. With the unavoidable stress that comes from property purchase, the last thing you want is increasing stress from what sounds like a very difficult situation.
I would definitely be looking at moving the horses. Renting the place you are hoping to buy, as others have suggested, sounds ideal. If this can't be done I would be looking at livery, whether that's a yard or land (with even minimal facilities).
Hope you manage to get something sorted out, it sounds really unpleasant.
 
BlackIrishBeauty said:
I think that’s irrelevant as it’s still my stuff and my ponies?
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I suppose it makes a difference on if to stick it out or not.

They're using my mucking out tools and not putting them back where they found them - stick it out.

They took the Oakley and started doing doughnuts with it round B&Q car park - don't stick it out.
 
Do you pay a rent for the space at your parents? If not then I can understand that they might feel it is a quid pro quo arrangement. As in they aren’t doing any harm and if you want the benefits relating to being family then you have to live with the drawbacks.

Not saying that this is right just that it could be behind their actions
 
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BlackIrishBeauty said:
I think that’s irrelevant as it’s still my stuff and my ponies?
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It makes a pretty big difference to whether to stay or go - is it annoying but ultimately harmless, or actually causing a problem?

Using your wheelbarrow and not putting it back? Stay.

Taking pictures with your ponies and posting them and pretending it's "their" pony? Stay.

Borrowing your tack without permission but taking good care of it and putting it back? Probably stay. (But maybe take your tack off the yard.)

Borrowing your tack and losing or damaging it? Leave.

Popping a kid on a pony for a 10 minute leadline ride without permission, but you know that they're an excellent and trustworthy horseperson, even if you hate them right now? Mayyyybe stay.

Popping a kid on a pony for a 10 minute leadline ride without permission, and you don't trust them to be safe about it? Leave.

Taking your ponies out for a day's hunting without permission? Leave.

(Obviously if what they're doing is harmless but it's upsetting to you, then that factors in as well - but even then I think it's useful to distinguish between material harm or risk, and emotional harm, and think about what your tolerance is for each.)
 
I wouldn't want the worry and would rent somewhere cheap over the winter.
Have been on the sidelines in a family dispute, and anything to do with land is the worst, it can all get very nasty because often what has been agreed has never been written down, there are some real horror stories on the farming forum.
My brother in law is eighty eight, his dad died forty five years ago, and the four acre field at the back of his house that he used to work is still not settled, and two of the siblings have died. Its got to the point where no one will talk about it.
 
The big unanswered question about is, "are you paying for your horses to be kept by your family?"

When I've had horses kept at various family members yards, free of charge, I've always accepted them using my things and even riding my horses. In fact, I never got my little chestnut Danish filly back because my cousin's daughter rode her so well!


If I didn't want people using my horses and my kit, I would pay for a livery arrangement where the lines are clear.

To me, not paying for livery means accepting that I am the guest, and I am there at the grace of my host.
 
LadyGascoyne said:
The big unanswered question about is, "are you paying for your horses to be kept by your family?"

When I've had horses kept at various family members yards, free of charge, I've always accepted them using my things and even riding my horses. In fact, I never got my little chestnut Danish filly back because my cousin's daughter rode her so well!


If I didn't want people using my horses and my kit, I would pay for a livery arrangement where the lines are clear.

To me, not paying for livery means accepting that I am the guest, and I am there at the grace of my host.
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I often store things for my children, I have the dog this week, but it could be something else, and I have kept a horse at my mums, no money changes hands and if I or they wanted to use something it would be respectful to ask, and I not do ask my children to pay for things, even if I can make money out of it.
 
honetpot said:
I often store things for my children, I have the dog this week, but it could be something else, and I have kept a horse at my mums, no money changes hands and if I or they wanted to use something it would be respectful to ask, and I not do ask my children to pay for things, even if I can make money out of it.
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But surely you'd presume to be able to use their dog lead and bowls etc if it's in your house? And if you left kit and your mother's yard when you had your horse there, and she'd used it, would you expect her to call and ask?

I wouldn't, personally. It's family, they are doing me a favour, I'm not going to worry about what's being used.

I would if it was a livery yard.
 
In addition to the other suggestions, one other option could be to offer to pay 'livery' where you are and set up a written agreement to create some boundaries, that way you wouldn't have to move before your purchase is complete, but you would have the peace of mind that you don't have now.
 
LadyGascoyne said:
But surely you'd presume to be able to use their dog lead and bowls etc if it's in your house? And if you left kit and your mother's yard when you had your horse there, and she'd used it, would you expect her to call and ask?

I wouldn't, personally. It's family, they are doing me a favour, I'm not going to worry about what's being used.

I would if it was a livery yard.
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I just get the dog, and it's on our sofa. My mother had nothing to do with horses, or although she did once borrow my goat just to see if she could cope, she couldn't.
 
Obviously without knowing what the nature of the fallout is that’s led to the toxic environment we are shooting in the dark regarding potential solutions.

Generically then you need to look at the pros and cons in respect of your peace of mind, horses welfare, family relationships, monetary costs.

Will winter make the boundary stomping worse, what mitigation can be done for the boundary stomping (eg taking tack home - say your insurance has changed it’s conditions rather than saying you are putting your foot down, avoids adding to the discord).
 
honetpot said:
I just get the dog, and it's on our sofa. My mother had nothing to do with horses, or although she did once borrow my goat just to see if she could cope, she couldn't.
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🤣 mine didn't cope with the goat either! The goat hated her.

But re the thread. Perhaps we are imagining things differently.

I'm imagining OP has put horses in field / stables on parents property, along with the usual horse stuff. And mum and dad have been borrowing kit - which in my mind is things like tools, tack, buckets, grooming kits, head collars, maybe a tractor or ATV at a push.

I'd be more than happy for my parents to use my things if I'm using their land for my horses. That feels like family mucking in together.

But I'm also generally happy for family and friends to borrow my things. I'm not terribly precious about that sort of thing, as long as if it's broken it's mended to replaced.
 
LadyGascoyne said:
🤣 mine didn't cope with the goat either! The goat hated her.

But re the thread. Perhaps we are imagining things differently.

I'm imagining OP has put horses in field / stables on parents property, along with the usual horse stuff. And mum and dad have been borrowing kit - which in my mind is things like tools, tack, buckets, grooming kits, head collars, maybe a tractor or ATV at a push.

I'd be more than happy for my parents to use my things if I'm using their land for my horses. That feels like family mucking in together.

But I'm also generally happy for family and friends to borrow my things. I'm not terribly precious about that sort of thing, as long as if it's broken it's mended to replaced.
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I agree with that, although OP suggested they were helping themselves to the ponies, and I think that's where I'd draw the line 😂
 
DressageCob said:
I agree with that, although OP suggested they were helping themselves to the ponies, and I think that's where I'd draw the line 😂
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I think it depends what that actually means though.

They pull one in from the field so the kids can spend an hour brushing it - let it go.

They pull one in as they fancy trying their hand at breaking it to drive - don't let it go.
 
Families are hard. I have kept my ponies/horses on my parent's land for years and I have spent a huge amount on fencing, a school and stabling. My late Dad would always have an opinion about everything and I seemed to be permanently under scrutiny but he was wonderful in many ways. I miss him hugely now.

Renting the place you want to buy sounds like an ideal solution. Otherwise I would personally move them to a livery yard as 6 months of misery through the winter doesn't sound good.
 
honetpot said:
I wouldn't want the worry and would rent somewhere cheap over the winter.
Have been on the sidelines in a family dispute, and anything to do with land is the worst, it can all get very nasty because often what has been agreed has never been written down, there are some real horror stories on the farming forum.
My brother in law is eighty eight, his dad died forty five years ago, and the four acre field at the back of his house that he used to work is still not settled, and two of the siblings have died. Its got to the point where no one will talk about it.
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Yep Iv seen the same with my husbands family.
His grand mother had 100 acres and 4 kids, my husbands mother was hated by the 2 boys in the family and they made her life hell during the split of land etc.
But karma got them and both are dead now.
Family inheritance can really show peoples true colours.
 
CastlelackSportHorses said:
Yep Iv seen the same with my husbands family.
His grand mother had 100 acres and 4 kids, my husbands mother was hated by the 2 boys in the family and they made her life hell during the split of land etc.
But karma got them and both are dead now.
Family inheritance can really show peoples true colours.
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With my BIL he was using the land for a market garden, when his dad died he wanted to buy the others out but they were sure they would get planning on it, forty years later and its all going to start again because the grandchildren think they can get planning.
 
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