Fed up, stressed and dissapointed. What would you do? **long and whingy**

[Perfect_Pirouette]

Okay so I am going to try and keep this incredibly long story as short as possible, but as it’s me it will inevitably turn into an essay I’m sure!

Basically I’ve loaned/shared G for 2 and a half years now. I shared him for 5 months and then his owner wanted to get another horse so I agreed to take him on full loan. I had him on full loan for about 6 months and then his owner wanted to send her other horse back (she was full loaning it) as she’d lost all her confidence on it. So we went back to sharing G for a few months and then in July last year she bought another horse. For a few months I effectively had him on full loan again but as he’s kept so far away needed help so had to look for a sharer, of which I’ve had a few and all have been really unreliable and haven’t worked out!

Now the thing I haven’t mentioned yet is G is kept 22 miles away from where I live! Hence extortionate petrol costs and a lot of time travelling! I was sitting at work on Monday and got a text informing me that my sharer was quitting because ‘she didn’t like mucking out’ and ‘didn’t want to ride because it was too cold and she wasn’t enjoying it’ bah! So me and owner immediately got into a flap and she texted and said we’d better advertise for another sharer. I just thought NO, no more bloody sharers. We’ve had about 3 in the past year and as I said above none of them have worked out!

I have been schooling my next door neighbours horse for her for the past couple of months. She is a really nice lady whom I’ve known for years as I used to keep my pony years ago at the same livery yard where she kept her daughter’s pony. Anyway, she is now lucky enough to have 5 lovely stables, acres of land and an all-weather, floodlit ménage with jumps at her home.

Anyway, I went around on Monday night after work to school her horse and told her that my latest sharer had quit blah blah and she said ‘why don’t you keep G here? I wouldn’t want any money, at the end of the day I’ve got 5 stables, all this land and only one bloody horse’ Her daughter lost interest and gave up riding in 2007, the mum (my neighbour) absolutely loves horses and is really into showing so kept a few on, now she’s just left with the one, the one I’m riding for her as she doesn’t ride. So I was ecstatic and said I’d talk to his owner. When I got home I rang his owner and explained everything and asked whether she would let me move him to my village, to be kept at my neighbours.

She said that although she would be really sad to not see his face everyday she realises all the work I’ve put into him over the past 2 years, how much I love him and that obviously she has nothing to do with him anymore so would be prepared to let him move, we arranged that she would come and see his potential new home today at 5.30. Can I just say at this point that when I started sharing G, he had just started competing at Prelim level and his schooling was okay, not brilliant. Anyway, over the past 18 months I have practically been his sole rider and in that time he has come on so so much, we now get consistently placed at Novice level and did our first affiliated test last weekend (where we came 3rd ) Both his owner and my instructor said that he has just come on leaps and bounds and I have taken him to another level. I am not saying this to blow my own trumpet, I’m saying it because I have been the one for the past 2 and a half years riding at 8-9o’clock at night after work, in the dark on my own, in the wind, rain, hail, snow, not getting home until 10 at night etc etc YES he has come on a lot and he is at a totally different level and yes his schooling has vastly improved but it’s been bloody hard work and I am exhausted! It has been worth it though and I wouldn’t change any of it for a minute!

So anyway, I was at work today and got a text from his owner saying that she’s really sorry but she just cannot face not seeing him everyday and therefore cannot let me move him. She said we’ll have to look for another sharer and there’s a couple of girls down the yard who would muck in and help a day or so a week in the meantime. She said it’s not for one second because she doesn’t think I’d look after him etc because she knows I would, but she can’t face not seeing his face everyday etc etc.

I am so peed off and fed up and disappointed. After all the time, work and thousands of pounds I have spent on that horse in flatwork lessons, petrol to get over to the yard, not to mention the £200 a month he costs me just to share/keep over the past 2 and a half years. I have him 4-5 days a week, it’s roughly 170 miles a week I do to go and do him, I am haemorrhaging money and petrol, I have a 2010 plate car that I’ve had for literally 1 year and it’s already done 20,000 miles. I don’t get home on the week days I do him until 9.30-10pm. But I NEVER, EVER complain. Because that horse has become my life and I love him more than I’ve ever loved anything. His owner has nothing to do with him anymore and hasn’t since last July when she bought her other horse. She doesn’t ride him/look after him/pay for him, yet just because she wants to be able to see his face everyday she is willing to make me continue to do all of this and to put him through having a million and one different numpties pulling him about etc. I feel desperately sorry for that horse, he needs routine and consistency and he just isn’t going to get that now.

I told my next door neighbour and she said I should cut all ties with G and if I continue to school her horse, she will sell her once her schooling’s up to scratch and will buy a show/dressage horse for me to have and compete as she just wants to go to shows etc again but she’s got no one to ride or help look after any horses she buys and she’s got 4 empty stables doing nothing. But the thought of leaving G makes me feel sick, I love him so much, I know it’s sad but he’s basically my whole life (anyone who has me on FB here will know that ) and has become my best friend. I have put so much work into him over this winter and we’re just beginning to peak having done our first affiliated test etc, do I really want to leave him now? But at the same time, can I really keep on travelling all this distance and putting all these miles on my car etc indefinitely?

I’m just really confused and fed up. I really don’t know what to do

 

[galaxy]

I can totally understand how upset you are.

I think you need to think about the offer long and hard. then sit down and tell G's owner that you just can't to the mileage and hours anymore and tell her the offer you've had. Maybe if she realises you are going to leave her with G she may change her mind? Afterall she then has to find the £200+ a month for his upkeep and the time looking after him and finding someone else to loan him etc.

You never know

 

[Booboos]

It's a really tough situation. For now I think you should take a deep breath and give yourself a few days to calm down and think things through calmly. It does sound like the owner is making things difficult for you, but on the other hand it's her horse and if she puts her foot down you're stuck.

Give it till Monday and then sit face to face with the owner and have a good chat. Perhaps if you have a chance to tell her all this in detail she will be more understanding and by then you will have a better idea of whether you are willing to keep going with the current situation if she doesn't back down or whether you can bear to give him up.

 

[Holly Hocks]

I think I agree with your neighbour. The owner of the horse you are loaning sounds totally selfish not to let him move to the other yard bearing in mind all you have done. Expecting you to do all that mileage is unacceptable, and although I know it will be incredibly difficult, you've got an amazing offer from your neighbour - and I bet once you tell the person you are currently loaning off that you're not prepared to do it any more, she will let you move him yards....

 

[xspiralx]

Well I can see why you're upset - sounds like you're being pretty ripped off too if you're paying £200 a month to share him, unless those are the costs for loaning with full use or he's on part livery.

I agree that you should issue the owner with an ultimatum. Not in a horrible way because she's not doing anything wrong, but just explain that the situation is untenable for you now - it is too expensive for you to continue looking after him where he is, and so unless she allows you to move him, you'll have to give up the loan.

I understand obviously that would be difficult for you, but at the end of the day he isn't your horse so if you're unhappy with the situation you have to walk away. By the sounds of it the owner would be lost without you, and so faced with the prospect of losing the person who pays for and schools her horse, she is likely to allow you to move him anyway.

 

[MrsMozart]

Ditto those two!

I realise this is one of the drawbacks of loaning, but to have someone like you, taking such good care of the horse, etc. etc. etc. and then expect you to keep loaning when there is an excellent alternative... If the owner is willing to start paying his keep where he is, then maybe okay, but if not.

Anyway, enough of my woffle, as I said, Ditto those two above

Hugs hunny.

 

[V1NN]

Aww hun i really feel for you as you so obviously love him, but the way i'd try to see it is G has a good home where he will get looked after, i'd go out and find your own horse and keep it at your neighbours. Well thats what i'd do anyway..x

 

[Perfect_Pirouette]

I just have to add that I absolutely love his owner to bits, she is honestly like my second mum and is a great friend. I don't want it to seem like I'm slagging her off/bitiching because I'm not. I'm just dissapointed

 

[Jingleballs]

It's a difficult situation but at the end of the day it's one of the pitfalls of loaning/sharing - you pay the money, put the work in but the horse is not yours and you are always at the mercy of the owners decisions.

Could you not perhaps end the loan, keep riding your neighbours horse but save up for you own? That way you'd be free to keep it where you want and do whatever you want with it?

 

[Apercrumbie]

Oh what an annoying situation! I really feel for you and hopefully someone will be able to help.

I know how heartbreaking it is, having been in a similar situation, but I think you need to have another chat with G's owner explaining that you just can't afford to keep the current arrangement going, even if you found another sharer. You never know, if you can bear to give your notice she may suddenly panic and give in.

I don't have any other ideas apart from keeping going with the current arrangement which is so far from ideal that I don't think it's sustainable or fair for you. ((((((Huge hugs)))))) and I hope it all turns out ok.

 

[Firewell]

Oh dear poor you

The way I see it is you have 2 options
1. Carry on the way you are with G
2. Take the other lady's offer. The amount your paying you could even get your own horse that no-one could take away.

I think G's owner is being pretty selfish! She's had her cake and eaten it for a while now so of course she's not going to want to give that up .

I agree with above and think a couple of days to think about it would be best and maybe chat with G's owner and let her know how you are feeling. If the owner stands her ground it's really up to you to decide the best course of action.

It must be so upsetting though, I totally sympathise because I fall head over heels with my horses too. I got so uppity with my current horse untill I brought him because before when he was on loan I was paranoid he would be taken away from me, I couldn't relax.

Hope you sort it out, G looks a lovely horse from your pictures

 

[tallyho!]

Seriously summerstars I think your second mummy is completely bonkers. I can see how much they mean to you. Maybe it's time to test your friendship with her and see how much you mean to her?????

You've made an extremely attractive offer. Sorry but "can't face not seeing G's face" is very selfish indeed and how much would it take off her life to drive and see him once in a while?

You love G and I can see why, he is gorgeous, but pop your reasonably-sensible head on and do something for YOU for a change.

All that money, you could have bought your own dressage superstar by now....

 

[misst]

The longer you stay with G and put in the effort the harder this decision will be....
He is not, at the end of the day, your horse and this situation could arise at any time in the future. I think the uncertainty and the unfairness will kill any enjoyment you get from him eventually. I am sure you love him but I would guess that somewhere deep inside you are already moving on.
His owner has been lucky to have a proper dedicated loaner but it would appear she does not appreciate it.
Time to say goodbye, I think, the money you will save you could put towards your own horse perhaps.
Good luck.

 

[bumper]

I agree you should talk to the owner, explain how you feel, and say you will be forced to walk away if you can't take up that fabulous offer of free stabling near to you, and have to continue to wear yourself out financially and physically travelling like you are. You mentioned that you are exhausted already....I can understand WHY you would do it, he is gorgeous and you have put so much energy/work.money into him. I can see how it would be so difficult for you to give up after all you have put into him x

Unfortunately, in the end he belongs to her, and it's her choice.....she could any day just say she doesn't want you to ride him at all......and you would have no say in the matter.

The other offer sounds great! Not many people would have that sort of offer! I would say that if the owner does not agree to him being moved (she could come visit, it's not THAT far, unless you do it every day!) you should jump at the chance of choosing a horse yourself.

Like Apercrumbie says "You never know, if you can bear to give your notice she may suddenly panic and give in".

 

[Amaranta]

Poor you, its a tough situation.

Head says, tell owner to stuff it and take your neighbour up on her offer. Heart says it would be really really hard to leave G

I would sit down with the owner, put all your cards on the table, tell her just how much this is taking out of you both emotionally and financially, I would also drop the neighbours offer into the conversation and let her know that you have to seriously consider the offer. It could be that once she realises how you feel, she may change her mind about letting G go.

I hope this horrible situation gets sorted for you soon.

 

[CalllyH]

Can you offer to buy him? Money often makes people think differently? If you could keep him at your next door neighbours on the cheap might give you more money and you could offer her monthly payments to buy him?

 

[Paddy Irish]

I agree with the others , I really believe that if this lady know's that you may have another horse to ride , and lets face it for every minute you've spent in the saddle you've put value on 'G' , she wont want you to give up her horse. You love him , you've done everything for him and you've been 100% commited to him when others have fallen at the way side when things get tough , I think you've earned this womans respect and she should let you move 'G' , even if you ask her to take him on a trial period and if she really can't bare to not see his face then you can both think again , my guess is once he's out of sight , he'll probably be out of mind for her anyway. Good luck ...

 

[el_Snowflakes]

Ok,

I think I might ruffle some feathers here judging by what the oher posters have said. I realise you have a bond with this horse but at the end on the day he doesnt belong to you. If i loaned my horse to someone (which i wouldnt) they wouldnt be moving her off the premises thats for sure! and if a loaner started looking for a sharer I would be outraged!! Fair enough, you have put in a lot of hard work but surely you realised that its could all be for nothing when you started laoning him? If you really are spending all this time and money on him, I dont understand why you dont just buy your own horse and keep it at your neighbours yard? That sounds like a fab offer from your friend I would defo take her up on it as long as you understand that the farm situation may one day change. (But as with anything in life, so could everything!) I hope it works out for you, best case scenario- owner agrees to sell him to you but somehow i cant see that happeneing as she is obviously attatched to him......otherwise, get yourself a nice horse of your own and it will be yours to do as you please & you will reap all the rewards

 

[Perfect_Pirouette]

Thank you for all your advice and replies, it is much appreciated!

I am going to have a think over the next few days about what I'm going to do!x

 

[Rachaelpink]

I agree with what galaxy23 said. Explain situation and how you feel about it being a struggle as it's so far away and how you don't want another sharer. As she has the other horse presumably she'd be stuck without you having him.

Also ditto what someone else said about buying him. I shared then full loaned a horse and schooled it as it hadn't been properly ridden for a year or two. After a while the owner, who said she'd never sell her, offered me to buy her. I did and still have her 6 years later. The owner sold her on the condition that if I ever put her up for sale she had first refusal. I guess it depends on what she has decided long term she will do with the horse, she may not of really thought about it.

 

[HollyWoozle]

A lot of good advice has already been posted but I just wanted to say good luck with whatever you decide. You sound like you're looking at it in a really sensible and realistic way so just give yourself some time and have a chat with G's owner. Honesty can't do any harm in this situation and perhaps they'll relent and let you take him to your neighbour's place. Having said that, like someone else pointed out this situation could arise again in the future so it's worth preparing yourself for the fact that the owner could move him again whenever. Seeing as you are so dedicated and are already paying for a horse's upkeep, perhaps it's worth considering having one of your own? I know it wouldn't seem the same when you have built up the relationship with G but you could always go and visit him and ride him sometimes. Maybe someone more local to him could pick up where you left off and G could be a superstar for them too, whilst you could have your own horse to love and work with.

 

[honetpot]

Could loaners are worth their weight in gold and you have proved your worth.
I loan out my ponies, you loan them out for a reason, for me its because I want to see them do something productive. I get as much pleasure out of seeing them do well with someone else as I did with my own children.
I think you have to find out your owners motivation, if its just to cut her bills and she does not value your hard work and dedication you may not be able to persuade her. She may just try and replace you with someone else.
People can be very selfish and if after explaining your problems she won't budge it's time to walk away. It will be hard but just think what it could be like if you progress even further and she sold him or stopped you riding him.
I would like to add that helpers/sharers that I have had help with youngsters always get a % of something that I later sell. We do not have a formal arrangement and they pay nothing towards the animals keep but I value what they do. I would suggest that if you are putting in the time and money you should have a more formal contract next time if this doesn't work out. Other wise its a buyers market and you could by something nice for yourself.
Any way good luck with the chat and I hope it goes well.

 

[somethingorother]

I completely understand how you feel. My loan/share horse of 18 months was taken back by his original owner (long and complicated story) about a month ago and i am still really upset over it. I miss him so much and i know he is just sat in a stable/ field getting no love and no work. This is about the 6th loan/ share which has not worked out and it has taken me this long and the huge upset of having to load my gorgeous lad onto the trailer for me to realise that this is how it is pretty much always going to end.

I think that even if you did loan him and move him, there is still massive uncertainty about you keeping him for any period of time. I know how much it hurts, but in the long run, you have so much love and effort (and money!) to give and can save up for your own which no one can ever take away from you. I'm sure you would soon love them just as much and in the long term even more than G. And if you are good friends with his owner you can still keep in touch. An option i wish i had.

Good luck, whatever you do i hope it works out well. I know how hard it is and that's why i'm not going to get into this situation again. xx

ETS i also travelled 20miles each way to my boy, i know how crippling it is. I have said i will do some work with the youngsters twice a week for free to keep me occupied because it was really hard suddenly having so much free time. It's helping a lot so maybe your neighbours offer would be a good one in the short term x

 

[smellsofhorse]

You need to talk to his owner and explain it like you have fine her.

Ig she still wont let him move then you have to decid which is best, keeping g but traveling if giving him up but then having a horse closer to home.

It's a tough decision.

 

[E_Lister]

I dont know if this has been said, but could you ask the lady if you could keep G on the new yard for 2 weeks or a month or so as a trial run.

Go through the reasons you want to move him (and remind her she already said yes once...) and say that you can see it would be hard not to see him every day but see how it goes and "crunch" day will be the end of the month.

If you do that, then she has a month to get used to the idea and also has reassurance that if she wants, he can come back.

Then, if she says he wants him back again, you might by then have realised that the travelling is ruining your horsey experience or that having a horse at home makes it any more enjoyable. If so maybe it is time to cut ties and find yourself your own horse, that you can keep wherever you like and have no restraints.

Might not be a good idea, but worth thinking about

 

[JVB]

Walk away, and save all the money you have been spending on fuel etc and buy your own and keep it at your neighbours

 

[annierae]

I really feel for you, you've put in so much time and you really love G, it's a really difficult situation. I don't think you would be happy just walking away from him though, but I do think that the best thing would be to sit down with the owner and explain about the offer you've had and say you are going to seriously consider it. I think if she's got enough sense she will realise that she could be in danger of losing you and hopefully she will agree to let you move G to your neighbour's place. You could always suggest doing it on a trial basis...say for a month...to see how she copes without him there and you'll probably find that once you've made the move it will all be fine.
Good luck and I would love to know how this turns out, please keep us posted xx

 

[hayinamanger]

Oh dear, difficult for you but G is always going to be someone else's horse and loving someone else's horse is usually the road to a broken heart.

If his owner won't change her mind and allow you to move him to your neighbour's yard, I don't see how you can continue the arrangement.

I see that she will miss the horse but you are not that far for visiting. As you have done so well with the horse and improved him maybe she will rethink and see that your offer would be good for G.

You are spending a lot of money each month which could be put to a horse of your own, you clearly have the ability to bring a young horse on.. and with your neighbour's offer on the table you could have a much less stressful life.

Good luck with whatever you decide

 

[EAST KENT]

Ok,

I think I might ruffle some feathers here judging by what the oher posters have said. I realise you have a bond with this horse but at the end on the day he doesnt belong to you. If i loaned my horse to someone (which i wouldnt) they wouldnt be moving her off the premises thats for sure! and if a loaner started looking for a sharer I would be outraged!! Fair enough, you have put in a lot of hard work but surely you realised that its could all be for nothing when you started laoning him? If you really are spending all this time and money on him, I dont understand why you dont just buy your own horse and keep it at your neighbours yard? That sounds like a fab offer from your friend I would defo take her up on it as long as you understand that the farm situation may one day change. (But as with anything in life, so could everything!) I hope it works out for you, best case scenario- owner agrees to sell him to you but somehow i cant see that happeneing as she is obviously attatched to him......otherwise, get yourself a nice horse of your own and it will be yours to do as you please & you will reap all the rewards

Completely agree! As a past owner who wanted her beloved horse home again,the resultant fuss has meant I would never go there again. I lent out my paragon of virtue to a lovely lady who had lost her nerve,imagining that once that job was done my paragon would be returned and she would find a duplicate..not so! In fact said lady has never made the effort to find a replacement at all,fact remains ..the horse belongs to the OWNER. Never known such arrangements cause anything but heartach and bad feeling in the end.

 

[Hippona]

Completely agree! As a past owner who wanted her beloved horse home again,the resultant fuss has meant I would never go there again. I lent out my paragon of virtue to a lovely lady who had lost her nerve,imagining that once that job was done my paragon would be returned and she would find a duplicate..not so! In fact said lady has never made the effort to find a replacement at all,fact remains ..the horse belongs to the OWNER. Never known such arrangements cause anything but heartach and bad feeling in the end.

No offense...but if he was that beloved, why did you loan him out? Because you had to? Fair enough- but then don't forget that loaners fulfill a purpose whether it be supporting owners who don't have the time/money/experience. Its not always the owner doing the ''favour''- quite often its the other way around....

OP....I really feel for you, I think you've gone abobe and beyond. Personally- I would let the owner have the horse and the expense and chores that go with it. take up your neighbours offer....theres plenty of horses out there needing love and you sound a really dedicated sort....have a ((((hug))))