Feel bad at the moment - How dare I be so selfish to have my own pony!!

RainbowDash

RainbowDash

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Hi,

I'm 34 loved horses and ponies all my life. Raised on a council estate, rode from 9 till 10, then at 15-17 (given all the new ponies (AKA nutters) to ride at my local riding school and 19 years later I finally have my own pony ( given up so much for this ).

It's all that i've ever wanted, my pony is lovely (has a few issues we're ironing out, doesn't like puddles, the horse walker, the harrow etc), so well mannered on the ground - my 5 year old can groom him and he's so good, can leave him un-ridden for more than a week and he's a beauty to hack/school etc.

I've owned my pony for almost six weeks and finally plucked up the courage to tell my (usually wonderful and generous) dad and he's just left me in tears - telling me I'm stupid and i'll never be able to afford him, my mortgage, kids, dogs etc.

My husband, mum, sister, friends are soo supportive even though they don't get horses.

Have you had this reaction from someone you really love dearly and have always looked up to? if so how have you dealt with it?
 
Aww, chin up... Sounds like he still sees you as his little girl, and not the 34yr old adult you are now.
You've told him now, and just agree to disagree - although I understand why you got so upset, I would have cried too.
Just think of how much pleasure your ponio is going to give you, and good on you for fulfilling a lifelong ambition, and don't let your dads response tarnish everyone elses love and support.
Big hugs to you x
 
:( how horrible for you! I hope it comes right for you soon!

Not on the same scale as you, but my in laws aren't happy because I have two horses. My husband and I got married 18 months ago and they both think that I should turn into some baby making machine. I'm only 26 and still living my life for a few years before I wish to plan for the future, my husband is very supportive of me - which is a good job for him really otherwise I would have shown him the door long ago!
 
I'm so sorry you have had that reaction :( I've been lucky in that my family are not horsey but support my decision (and secretly love my ginger horse).

I hope you can sort things out, if not then just make yourself even more determined to prove you are doing the right thing!

rhino x
 
I can totally understand where you're at. I've been there too and it's devastating. All you can do is give them time and make sure you keep everything under control and nothing else suffers for your pony's sake. Don't give him the opportunity to say he told you so and he'll eventually come around like my dad did.

Try to think positive about your pony and give him a chance to get used used to the idea. Don't mention it anymore for a while and hopefully he'll come to you. Don't feel bad, it won't last forever, he's just going to worry about you until you 'prove' that you're ok and can cope. Big hugs. xx
 
ShrikeThelwell said:
I've owned my pony for almost six weeks and finally plucked up the courage to tell my (usually wonderful and generous) dad and he's just left me in tears - telling me I'm stupid and i'll never be able to afford him, my mortgage, kids, dogs etc.
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I suspect your dad is not upset about you having a horse but is very upset that it took you 6 weeks to tell him.
 
Yes my dad has been the same since I started owning a horse with children full time job and mortgage etc. Now I have 3 horses and a big lorry which I hid from him for over a yr telling him I only had my old boy my dad still
looks at me and sighs. I know how you feel and it hurts but it's all about you and your hubby and if you are both happy that's all that matters I don't talk about my horses in front of my dad. Chin up and enjoy your horse it's your life live it :-)
 
Spring Feather said:
I suspect your dad is not upset about you having a horse but is very upset that it took you 6 weeks to tell him.
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I didn't dare tell him how long I've had my boy. :( I suppose I've been holding off telling him - he has said that he wouldn't have babysat my girls if he knew I was at the yard :(.

And this from the same guy who took 9 year old me to my riding lessons......

.........and later offered to get me a pony to do pony SJ on.......
 
dukesmum said:
Yes my dad has been the same since I started owning a horse with children full time job and mortgage etc. Now I have 3 horses and a big lorry which I hid from him for over a yr telling him I only had my old boy my dad still
looks at me and sighs. I know how you feel and it hurts but it's all about you and your hubby and if you are both happy that's all that matters I don't talk about my horses in front of my dad. Chin up and enjoy your horse it's your life live it :-)
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Thank you. You've made me smile...:)
 
ShrikeThelwell said:
Hi,

I'm 34 loved horses and ponies all my life. Raised on a council estate, rode from 9 till 10, then at 15-17 (given all the new ponies (AKA nutters) to ride at my local riding school and 19 years later I finally have my own pony ( given up so much for this ).

It's all that i've ever wanted, my pony is lovely (has a few issues we're ironing out, doesn't like puddles, the horse walker, the harrow etc), so well mannered on the ground - my 5 year old can groom him and he's so good, can leave him un-ridden for more than a week and he's a beauty to hack/school etc.

I've owned my pony for almost six weeks and finally plucked up the courage to tell my (usually wonderful and generous) dad and he's just left me in tears - telling me I'm stupid and i'll never be able to afford him, my mortgage, kids, dogs etc.

My husband, mum, sister, friends are soo supportive even though they don't get horses.

Have you had this reaction from someone you really love dearly and have always looked up to? if so how have you dealt with it?
Click to expand...

Congratulations on getting your pony - hope it goes well for you. It does sound to me though like your Dad is just worrying about you. My Dad was like that - he wasn't very good at putting his point across and it usually came across the wrong way. I wish I had realised that when he was alive, because now it's too late. Your Dad is probably just thinking about you and your kids but doesn't have the words to say it. I had a massive argument about going back to work when my oldest son was little, yet he was the one who had pushed me to get my qualifications. I'm sorry, I don't really have much advice, but hopefully he'll come round to the idea. xx
 
millimoo said:
Aww, chin up... Sounds like he still sees you as his little girl, and not the 34yr old adult you are now.
You've told him now, and just agree to disagree - although I understand why you got so upset, I would have cried too.
Just think of how much pleasure your ponio is going to give you, and good on you for fulfilling a lifelong ambition, and don't let your dads response tarnish everyone elses love and support.
Big hugs to you x
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Thank you. I will indeed keep going on my dream - taken me long enough to get back in the saddle :D
 
ShrikeThelwell said:
I've owned my pony for almost six weeks and finally plucked up the courage to tell my (usually wonderful and generous) dad and he's just left me in tears - telling me I'm stupid and i'll never be able to afford him, my mortgage, kids, dogs etc.

My husband, mum, sister, friends are soo supportive even though they don't get horses.
Click to expand...

I'm sorry to hear your dad isn't being particularly supportive... But looking at the bit in bold I do wonder why, on some level, you felt the need to hide it from him if you really did expect him to be thrilled with the idea...

I don't agree with his approach but sometimes us parents can become horribly judgemental about our offspring's choices - even more so when the next generation of children exist... I'm not saying it's right but it is something I try to be aware of... He *may* view indulging his own daughter's riding as totally different to potential riding risks, financial implications etc when you have your own children... Again, not saying it's right but just wondering if he's speaking before thinking...

It's a lifelong dream for you so good on you for finally getting there... It took me over forty years... :D A happy mummy and children raised in a more physical environment with an appreciation of the care and responsibility for animals - whilst also learning to ride themselves when/if ready... Perhaps these enhancements to the family are aspects your dad will come around to appreciating in a bit of time...

I know my family are 'better' now having horses and a far more outdoor lifestyle... Different circumstances as it's also helped heal a pretty difficult wound for us all... But I also know my elder daughters (nearly 30 and 20) will probably cheerfully admit I sometimes open my mouth and say the wrong/unexpected thing... :o
 
ShrikeThelwell said:
I didn't dare tell him how long I've had my boy. :( I suppose I've been holding off telling him - he has said that he wouldn't have babysat my girls if he knew I was at the yard :(.

And this from the same guy who took 9 year old me to my riding lessons......

.........and later offered to get me a pony to do pony SJ on.......
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This is *your* dream! You are not a child and I know it must be upsetting for you to see your dad in this light but you must overcome this and move on. Enjoy your dream and if your dad cannot be happy for you to have it then that is sad. I suspect he will accept it in time and if it were me and my father then I wouldn't avoid talking about the horse, on the contrary I would find a time to talk to him and explain just how much this means to you and that YOU are disappointed in him that he isn't happy for you.

Don't EVER give up your dreams is my advice and I wish you a long and happy relationship with your pony :)
 
I know exactly this reaction, my mum positively disowned me for a week when I noted her I had bought a horse again. I sold my last horse 4 years ago when I started a family and she hoped that was it, then I bought Harry and she was "very dissappointed" with me (the worst thing to hear from your parents I think)

I am 30 and had desperately wanted a hobby since my son was old enough and I was over the moon to buy one this time. Parents were very unhappy as we have struggled its money in then past and she said how selfish it was when I have a family. she wasn't bothered about me doing shooting though (which is just as expensive)

I understand the money worries and have always been determined to keep him as cheaply as possible (without compromising on care) and not buy things if I don't need them. She has come round a little bit and asks my son how Harry is most weeks . I think a lot of my family opinion and help but this time after a week of doubt I made up my mined, I am an adult now and why shouldnt I do something I love, this time I want to pre them wrong :)

I've had him 6 months in march and I've never been so happy :)
 
First - congratulations on finally achieving your dream.

I always wanted a pony as a child & teen, circumstances meant it never happened.

I bought my kids a pony last summer. My mum told me it was a Really Bad Idea; the expense, the work... but after a few months my mum has admitted she's completely changed her mind and it was obviously a good decision. She's seen how much they adore their pony and how much it gets them out into the fresh air - and the discipline it's teaching them too.

I then bought my own this winter (which I will be sharing with the kids when they are big enough), and didn't hear a murmur from the parents!

I honestly think you might be surprised once your Dad sees the positive effects on you and your kids...

Have fun with your pony, I know what it's like to wait a lifetime to achieve your dream, so don't let the negative stuff spoil it for you.
 
jeeve said:
some people just don't get horses, and why we want them in our lives, just let it go - that is his opinion, you enjoy your pony, and don't give it another thought
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100% this. None of my family and friends (except my niece, she is now a horsey convert, thanks to me, says my sister) are horsey and whenever my horsey ways comes into conversation I get the rolling eyes and the 'booooring' look. I don't care what anyone thinks anymore, as others have said its your life, you work hard to earn your money, god forbid you should actually buy yourself something you've always wanted with it. :rolleyes:
Enjoy your pony, you are one of the lucky ones who has realised their dream of owning their own pony.
 
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tell your dad it could be worse- mine claims to hate horses so we tell him as little as possible. when i was about 13 he only found out about one horse when we were trying to sell it (having owned it for over a year without him knowing), then last year he got a call to clear out the stable he was using as a shed as we had bought another one... i think we only told him that much as we now have them at home!

every time we buy one he throws a hissy fit and claims to hate horses but when he doesnt realise we are watching him he will go up and pet them and spend hours at their doors...
 
As others have said, chin up and enjoy what you have.

My dad was the same when I chose a career at the racetrack and not college. He didn't speak to me for a year. Only when he saw me in the newspaper galloping a horse for the KY Derby owned by a baseball team owner did he start thinking I had a cool job. Then he was my biggest supporter. My life has never been conventional, kids, and lots of things but I'm responsible and do what makes me happy even when times are tough. I tell him the world needs people like me too to balance all the normalcy. He gets it to a point but I'm sure he wishes different for me.

Terri
 
I'm sorry your Dad's attitude has taken the gloss off you achieving your dream, but don't let it set you back.

One thing did occur to me - ignore me if I'm wrong. You said that your Dad offerred to buy you a horse, but from what you say he never did. Could it be that he still feels bad that he couldn't/didn't do that and you just got a knee-jerk reaction to something he still feels bad/disappointed about?
 
I get this from my parents and inlaws! They think that my horse is on loan and our daughters pony was given to us for free! And when we got a 2nd pony for daughter as she outgrew the first one we told them he had gone out on loan! Thankfully they never come to the yard....
They just remember how much they used to spend on my pony when I was a kid but then they also wanted 2 foreign holidays a year, brand new cars, shopping trips etc. We don't do those things in order to have the horses...holidays are spent in France where my Mum now lives, cheap easyjet flights! We have older cars and I shop in primark and in the sales for clothes....its natural for them to worry but sometimes I wish they would keep their noses out!
 
He'll come round. People don't understand how much horses cost and they don't have to cost us a fortune like people believe. He'll come round eventually, he is probably just looking out for you but doesn't know how to express this without coming across negatively or upsetting you.

Chin up :)
 
Just gently point out that its YOUR finances, and that your hubby is happy with it and that's all that matters. Why does your dad babysit while you go to the yard? Mine always come with me, no matter how tiny.
 
milesjess said:
He'll come round. People don't understand how much horses cost and they don't have to cost us a fortune like people believe. He'll come round eventually, he is probably just looking out for you but doesn't know how to express this without coming across negatively or upsetting you.

Chin up :)
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My dad would have reacted exactly the same way and he would have thought it cost a fortune too. Perhaps when everything has calmed down a bit you could talk him through the financial side. I'm sure he is just worried that you have overfaced yourself with expense and that he'll be fine when he sees you really can manage.
That said, one of my friend's husbands still thinks both her horses are on loan and cost her £20 a week to keep!
 
jeeve said:
some people just don't get horses, and why we want them in our lives, just let it go - that is his opinion, you enjoy your pony, and don't give it another thought
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oh so agree with this, i have 2 horses, 2 ponies and just taken another horse on loan and just to really make him:rolleyes: i have 3 dogs;):D my dad just doesn't 'get' pets at all, he doesn't dislike horses or dogs but he just doesn't understand why i want them and in his words, 'why i need so many':D
enjoy your pony, you've worked hard to get it and I'm sure dad will come round in his own time, especially if you can convince him it was his idea all along;)
 
CatStew said:
:( how horrible for you! I hope it comes right for you soon!

Not on the same scale as you, but my in laws aren't happy because I have two horses. My husband and I got married 18 months ago and they both think that I should turn into some baby making machine. I'm only 26 and still living my life for a few years before I wish to plan for the future, my husband is very supportive of me - which is a good job for him really otherwise I would have shown him the door long ago!
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I'm exactly the same. I've been married 8 months and 3 months into our marriage i brought my first horse. I'm 27 and my parents/in laws/sis in law/sis all think we should be trying for a baby rather than having a horse!

I have been riding since i was 10 years old and my parents couldnt afford to buy me a pony. I had 4 years worth of group riding lessons and then they became too expensive. However, a lady at a local yard loaned me a horse weekends and half term for a very small price (she had too many to exercise). I loaned various horses until my much loved loan horse was sold 2 weeks after our wedding. I was absolutly devestated!!!

I totally feel ur pain. My mum was really funny about it but she has now come round and actually brought my horse an xmas present lol!!!!! IF its something you've always wanted, i'm great believer in no regrets in life, enjoy it!!!!!
 
Had the same thing when i got my first horse at 19 I worked on RS and my dad thought I loaned him but Id actually owned him for 4 years before I finally told him and I got the you cant afford it blah blah blah to which I answered well ive been doing really well for 4 years so I think I can say I can afford it and im old enough not to need your approval it's my money not yours since then we've got on really well.
 
My guess is that your Dad's first thought was that you were taking on too much and that he was worried about/for you. You have said that you have had money troubles in the past (did he help you out then?) and that he has been looking after your child while you were at the yard. Perhaps he thinks that you wouldn't be able to have the horse without other people's (his) support or that you are 'neglecting' your child.
I imagine that as time goes on and he sees that your time with the horse is not time taken away from your child, that you do not need financial help and that you are happy, his attitude will soften.

Why did you need to pluck up courage to tell him?
 
Firstly, congratulations on your lovely new pony :) Can we have photos to drool over please? I've just returned to horses after a long break too (and thrown myself in at the deep end!)

I'm sorry he's making you feel bad about it. If I were you I would try and sell it as being a wonderful thing for his grandchildren. Tell him how much you appreciated his decision to get you involved with horses as a child so much that you wanted to do the same thing for your children by getting them involved with horses at a young age - that might shut him up ;) As you say your five year old is already grooming etc. so I suspect it won't be long until they get the bug too. Flattery will get you everywhere!

Point out how wonderful a love of horses is in children - teaches them responsibility, respect for animals and others etc - and if your daughter is anything like me if she falls in love with horses she'll spend her teenage years chasing after horses rather than getting up to all sorts because she's got nothing better to do.

Enjoy your horse and try not to worry what other people think as long as you and your children are happy what does it matter if you spend your money on a horse?
 
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