Feel like giving up and need a talking to please!

[Penguin_Toes]

I am asking you all to give me some perspective and a good talking to!

Before I start I just want to mention that I know how lucky I am and what a first world/non-problem this is.

I have a little boy (turning five on Friday), I work full time in a pretty full on role and have a husband that travels for work. I am 36 and feeling like I will never be a part of the horse world again and that it would be easier to just sell all my things and put it all behind me instead of continuing on with a pipe dream that I might one day get back to where I was with it all.

When I was young I would volunteer all day at the riding school, not even for a ride at the end of the day, just for the privilege of mucking out!

My parents finally got me a loan horse in my late teens, then I had two of my own in my twenties and had the time of my life. There were ups and downs, vet issues and things, but I had a trailer and was out and about doing little one day events and hunter trials, nothing serious, just fun 80cm things.

I sold up and moved back to where I grew up and had my son. All my horsey contacts and friends are far away now. I did by a nice horse in early 2022 but I very much bought a horse to suit 24 year old me, who was a little spicy and needed riding 5 times a week which I couldn't manage easily. I sold him easily so that was fine, then loaned a lovely mare through the summer but she was taken back at short notice by the owner. I now have a private lesson once a week at a good riding school which I enjoy.

Realistically I won’t be able to loan/own for a few more years, I don’t have the time with my son, job and my husband occasionally being away. I am just feeling despondent about it all. I’m really enjoying my lessons, but at the same time I have this stupid chip on my shoulder that I am just back to where I was at seven years old.

My sister got me a lovely silver bracelet for Christmas with a snaffle bit on it. I’m reluctant to wear it because I almost feel like one of those men who wear Ferrari branded clothes. I know this makes no sense but it is the perfect example of how irrational I am feeling at the moment.

I think I am missing my horsey contacts and I am feeling like I am running out of time. I’m looking for someone to (gently) tell me to get a grip and that it will be entirely possible to pick things back up properly in my early forties and still have some fun with it all.

 

[wills_91]

I'm in a similar position to you. I've got my 2 shetlands and we don't have anywhere within a reasonable distance to get lessons. Sometimes it really gets me down, but our kids won't need us forever and it's never to late to pick it back up again. Have you looked into a share?

 

[Trouper]

[/Quote] I’m looking for someone to (gently) tell me to get a grip and that it will be entirely possible to pick things back up properly in my early forties and still have some fun with it all.[/QUOTE]

Well that would be me. My "gap" was 30+ years and while I might not have been the devil may care rider of my youth the enjoyment level was just the same. You are tantalising yourself with one lesson a week and I know just how unsatisfactory that is. When I returned to riding I lasted about 8 months before I started looking for my own again but by that time I was retired and family responsibilities had ended. I think if I had tried to take on a horse full time before that I would have just found parts of it "just one more chore" to try to fit in to the day and that would have somewhat spoiled the enjoyment.

I don't think anyone can really advise you on what to do. Only you know how much time you realistically have to devote to your own horse but it does seem to me that you have your hands pretty full just now. The theory of time management in horse ownership is fine but it doesn't survive contact with the enemy of horses who choose to do the daftest things at the worst possible time - in your case probably coinciding with your son coming down with a virus while your husband is away. That is just sod's law.

Never give up on the dream however. My only possibly half-baked solution to offer is maybe to think about a share of some sort? It might not be easy to find the right share "days" to suit you but you can only ask??

 

[Widgeon]

A share sounds like a good idea, if it's viable time-wise. Don't be too despondent, it will be easier as your son gets older and you'll still only be forty-odd so plenty of time for several more horses! If you can't manage a share, it sounds like you're doing the best thing - keeping yourself reasonably riding fit and ticking over with lessons until you have time for your own / a loan in a few years. You'll be able to pick back up very quickly when the time comes.

Children or not (I'm 33 and don't have any) I think increasing age and responsibility does change what we want / need from horses - did you see the recent thread about people deciding they no longer enjoyed jumping? There were quite a few of us in our thirties who were finding that the risk / reward trade off just wasn't right any more. So don't feel too down about never again being that gutsy 24 year old! Might you be able to find a good trekking centre or somewhere with good hacking and go for the occasional blast at the weekend, if your OH is around for your son? That might give you something that lessons aren't (even if they are very good lessons there's nothing like a good gallop).

 

[moorhillhorses]

Your only 36! Definitely not running out of time Don’t be so hard on yourself and when your 5 year old is a little older you may have more time.

 

[Barton Bounty]

Firstly…. Wheesht you are being far too hard on yourself, we have ALL made sacrifices for our kids but take it from me, they are not small for long. Once he is a little bit older and possibly has after school clubs, play dates with friends, sleepovers, it will start to get easier. When he is at secondary school its will be so much easier.
What I would do if I were you, if either look for a share that only entails two days a week, get you back into the swing of things or set yourself a goal that in 6 years time you will have a plan to be actively looking for a horse. Save yourself some money… put a little pot past so you can buy all the things you need when you find your perfect horse. Then it becomes your time to enjoy. I really miss my kids being small but I must admit I am 46 and I don’t miss all the running around after them. 22/19 now ?

You will get there, it is going to be about 6 years probably and to be honest it will fly in ?

 

[PinkvSantaboots]

I know it's hard because of the commitment that taking on a ridden share horse involves but it might be worth putting a few adverts out and being honest about your position, there might be people that would be grateful of some help for the odd ride when they can get it.

I put an advert out I wanted a rider to ride one of my horses with me as one was a bit nappy, didn't want money didn't want jobs done and not set days and times, I found a lovely girl who could really ride and got on with both my horses, she had a daughter when we met and 5 years on she has 2 more kids, she still comes and rides its a very loose agreement but I'm grateful that it can help me out.

She absolutely loves coming here and it gives her a bit of horse time and it gives me someone to ride with as I'm always alone as mine are kept at home so I look forward to it as well.

So there are opportunities I suppose you just have to ask about and get out there and see if you can find a similar thing, maybe even someone on here could be the answer you never know.

 

[tda]

You will find, if you really look that there are loads of women who have gone back to riding/horse ownership in their 40/50s ?
I would also look for a share horse, I would love someone to just come and ride my pony a couple of times a week, they would just have to be good at grooming as she lives out ?

 

[KittenInTheTree]

Get your son into horses too, perhaps with the end goal of owning or loaning something that the two of you can share the ride of.

 

[Cherryblossom]

I am 39, and had the exact same feelings. 48hr shift work job, 2 pre-schoolers, busy busy life. We’d moved to the country and had stables and arena but I was renting it out because I had no time for horses. Then at the start of the pandemic, my cousin was in an accident. ICU for months, around 20surgeries, really really not expected to make it. It brought me a sudden clarity that if I were in an accident I would be so gutted that I didn’t pursue the opportunity when I had the chance.
So now I’ve got a 5yo, and my kids have a pony. Neither gets ridden as much as they should, they’re kept in a very low maintenance way, and I’m quite often out kicking out at 10pm. Was it a good head decision? Absolutely not. But my heart is happy and I wouldn’t change it for the world.
In your shoes I’d definitely advertise for a share. If I could find someone to ride Poppy once or twice a week I’d be delighted, but I’m not willing to advertise and trawl through all the ridiculous dreamers.

 

[Abacus]

I really sympathise. I remember during my university horse gap going for a walk in Epping Forest, seeing horses being ridden and feeling insanely jealous. It was enough to make me take a couple of lessons and then find a share that I could fit into my schedule. It is possible to fit horses and children together, as long as it's financially viable, although you do have to accept the days where nothing goes to plan and you have to abandon hope of riding. I agree with others that a share might suit you. Where in the country are you? I have plenty that could do with more riding! And yes if your son could join in it's a lovely thing to do with him... the best feeling as a mother is your first mother/son hack together.

 

[lme]

I would agree with suggestions re a share. And don’t assume you will never go back to having your own horses. I had about 10 years off when my children were tiny and we lived in London. My lovely young mare went on long term loan and I assumed I would never have time for horses. Now my children are adults and we have 6 horses between us including my 3 ??

 

[Skib]

If you regard riding as a sport and a competitive sport, then taking a break might be a problem. But one has a life time ahead of one once one's children have grown.
Meanwhile, I agree with the suggestion that you look for a share.
But I would also reconsider this weekly lesson. What are you learning and doing, and on what sort of horse. Could you alternate hacking with a specialist class from a top level teacher?
If your present teacher is unsure what to teach you, can you turn up with a dressage test you would like to prepare and then ride?

 

[Borderreiver]

It’s just different parts of our lives. There can be horse times after young family times but they will be different and still fun. We can’t look back just forward to the next thing. For me now in my late sixties I enjoy driving my gorgeous fell pony. I have happy memories of beach galloping though!

 

[rabatsa]

How about doing lessons towards your BHS stage exams. A local riding school puts these on for adults who want to be involved but life prevents them having their own horse at the moment. You could learn a lot that you did not know, even though you looked after your own horse previously. Then when you do get back into having a horse again you will know a lot more theory of why you are doing something and how to do it.

 

[Equi]

Ask the rising school if you can come up an hour early to prepare your horse. Some are more than happy to let you get on with it. When I had no horse for a bit I ended up doing lessons and I would arrive and have a saddle and a grooming kit chucked at me and told it was the last horse on the left. Eventually I ended up spending my Saturdays there a full throw back to my youth but that’s not going to be viable for you.

But deffo get your lad into horses! A Saturday at the yard while he does his little lesson, you can go muck out a horse or groom one/help prepare a pony for the next lesson.

 

[Penguin_Toes]

I hope it didn't sound like I was begrudging my little boy in my OP. He is very sweet and the light of my life.

Unfortunately he has no interest at all in riding! He used to like coming down to the yard (mainly to look at the quad bikes) but he's had a couple of lessons and could not care less!

A share is a good idea, or helping someone with exercising. I am competent enough and can handle spooks and spins. It's a wee bit harder with a share because it would have to be on full livery because I'd be in a pickle otherwise if my husband was away on one of my days.

I am in Cheshire by the way!

 

[Equi]

Hopefully you could find someone flexible. Some like a sharer just to get a day off not particularly because they need one.

 

[Peglo]

It definitely didn’t sound like you begrudged anything in your life. Could you volunteer at local horsey events when your husband is home to get to know horsey people near you? Finding a good trekking centre would be a good call if you can’t find a horse to ride casually. Hopefully in a few years you can have your own so don’t give up completely.

 

[WelshD]

My last pony is now out on loan and I am having a whale of a time being pony free.
I'm in my forties and am sure I will go back to it but at this point in my life I am enjoying the financial freedom and extra time.
You can never lose the horsiness entirely!

 

[cauda equina]

I know it's hard because of the commitment that taking on a ridden share horse involves but it might be worth putting a few adverts out and being honest about your position, there might be people that would be grateful of some help for the odd ride when they can get it.

I put an advert out I wanted a rider to ride one of my horses with me as one was a bit nappy, didn't want money didn't want jobs done and not set days and times, I found a lovely girl who could really ride and got on with both my horses, she had a daughter when we met and 5 years on she has 2 more kids, she still comes and rides its a very loose agreement but I'm grateful that it can help me out.

She absolutely loves coming here and it gives her a bit of horse time and it gives me someone to ride with as I'm always alone as mine are kept at home so I look forward to it as well.

So there are opportunities I suppose you just have to ask about and get out there and see if you can find a similar thing, maybe even someone on here could be the answer you never know.

I would love to find a person like that!
It's a pity I'm in the wrong area for the OP

 

[Tarragon]

I left ponies behind when I left school, and didn't own another until I was in my 30's. In the gap, I just rode what I could when I could. I got a local reputation for myself as someone who would exercise your horse for you and would happily take out some fabulous horses out hacking when the owner either didn't like hacking, or in one case had broken their leg! Even spent some time hacking out for a local hunter livery yard.
Now I am 60 and have three ponies (and three grown up children )

 

[Penguin_Toes]

You are all making me feel much better. I think I'm having a mid life crisis ? if I were a man this is probably the time I'd go and buy a four year old and a lorry that I can't afford.

What a good idea volunteering is. I'm going to look into that!

 

[Penguin_Toes]

I am eaten up with jealousy, it's a horrible trait. I see these pictures of people out and about competing and on the beach. I feel like I'll never get back there as I get older, which I know is brattish!

 

[Toby_Zaphod]

My wife had ponies when she was young, she lost them to natural causes around 40 + years ago. We got married, bought a house and had children. When they grew a bit & had good reports from school we asked them what they wanted from us & they wanted riding lessons. They had a few lessons & then became helpers at the riding school. They were first on the yard in the morning & last to leave. They did this for two years & two winters did not deter them. e surprised them with a pony on Christmas day. I spent all of Christmas day freezing to death in the school whilst my daughters rode. As they grew we sold the pony & bought a 16 h Hanoverian x TB and he took over the duties of the pony. He was schooled in jumping, dressage & cross country, we took him to shows and had a great time. When my daughter was 21 she was given money & she bought a 16h3 French Thoroughbred. The other horse she gave to her mom so they both had a horse. We are still like that with the 2 horses and seeing wife & daughter hacking out together is marvelous. The horses are now 25yr & 18yr and they are still being ridden and enjoying life. My wife is now 67 years old, regularly riding so don't talk to be about you being old at 36. There is nothing wrong with having a break from horses until children have grown up & you have the extra money you will then have & the extra time you have to accommodate horses. We all know how expensive it is to keep horses so wait for the right time that suits you

 

[Dexter]

Theres lots of people who would appreciate you as a sharer. Mines on full livery so no jobs to do, and I can be flexible with days or times. I don't have a sharer as I cant be bothered advertising but I'd respond to a wanted ad with your description of yourself I think.

 

[Skib]

For me now in my late sixties I enjoy driving my gorgeous fell pony. I have happy memories of beach galloping though!

Not too late. OH and I did have a canter on a beach when we were well over 60. We walked on that same beach 20 years later in summer 2021 and I reminded myself to do that again.

 

[Barton Bounty]

I am eaten up with jealousy, it's a horrible trait. I see these pictures of people out and about competing and on the beach. I feel like I'll never get back there as I get older, which I know is brattish!

Youv got to think about the future more than anything, your time will come! And there will be someone somewhere being jealous of you!

 

[huskydamage]

On the flip side, im 35, have two horses pretty much do what I like, but I dont have children and seems likely I can't. I am always being told by people with kids stuff like 'must be great you only have to look after yourself, can do what I like, sleep when I like etc'. It's actually not that great to have the choice taken away from you. At least you can come back to horses more later if you want.

 

[Tiddlypom]

Are you on the Cheshire Horse FB page? It's pretty active. Lots of shares/volunteering type posts on it as well as the usual horsey chitchat.

Good luck.