Feel like giving up and need a talking to please!

[ycbm]

I am asking you all to give me some perspective and a good talking to!

Before I start I just want to mention that I know how lucky I am and what a first world/non-problem this is.

I have a little boy (turning five on Friday), I work full time in a pretty full on role and have a husband that travels for work. I am 36 and feeling like I will never be a part of the horse world again and that it would be easier to just sell all my things and put it all behind me instead of continuing on with a pipe dream that I might one day get back to where I was with it all.

When I was young I would volunteer all day at the riding school, not even for a ride at the end of the day, just for the privilege of mucking out!

My parents finally got me a loan horse in my late teens, then I had two of my own in my twenties and had the time of my life. There were ups and downs, vet issues and things, but I had a trailer and was out and about doing little one day events and hunter trials, nothing serious, just fun 80cm things.

I sold up and moved back to where I grew up and had my son. All my horsey contacts and friends are far away now. I did by a nice horse in early 2022 but I very much bought a horse to suit 24 year old me, who was a little spicy and needed riding 5 times a week which I couldn't manage easily. I sold him easily so that was fine, then loaned a lovely mare through the summer but she was taken back at short notice by the owner. I now have a private lesson once a week at a good riding school which I enjoy.

Realistically I won’t be able to loan/own for a few more years, I don’t have the time with my son, job and my husband occasionally being away. I am just feeling despondent about it all. I’m really enjoying my lessons, but at the same time I have this stupid chip on my shoulder that I am just back to where I was at seven years old.

My sister got me a lovely silver bracelet for Christmas with a snaffle bit on it. I’m reluctant to wear it because I almost feel like one of those men who wear Ferrari branded clothes. I know this makes no sense but it is the perfect example of how irrational I am feeling at the moment.

I think I am missing my horsey contacts and I am feeling like I am running out of time. I’m looking for someone to (gently) tell me to get a grip and that it will be entirely possible to pick things back up properly in my early forties and still have some fun with it all.

You certainly aren't running out of time. I have a friend regularly jumping for her riding club team and she is 76. I have another friend in her 80s who rides her own pony. I'm 65 soon and I backed my last horse at 63.

I can completely understand your sense of loss after the abrupt way your loan ended, but you've got plenty of time yet.
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[Crazy_cat_lady]

I gave up last year due to the incoming rise in the cost of living, but I'd also long ago lost the love of it all and was merely plodding along.

I don't regret it or miss it in the slightest. However I'd long been ready to give up.

I've sat on a horse once.

Could you try and book some fun activities instead of the lessons some weeks, e.g horse archery/a hack etc - the variety may help, especially if they are group activities?

I've ridden once on holiday since I gave up, however if I did fancy it again, I'd want to do a variety of things rather than "just" go to an rs especially having previously had my own - I'd want to do school master lessons/fast hacks/try western/beach ride. Maybe the lessons are making you feel like you've "regressed" (not saying you have!!) To being "just" an rs client again whereas if you did different activities you haven't done before it may help. I mainly hacked alone when I had mine so went where I want, at the speed I want!

The only time I've ridden since was amazing, but it was because of all the factors (sunset beach ride abroad, a horse that was spicy and in no way an rs plod, well schooled too and probably more responsive than mine, but safe). If I'd been on a kick along badly schooled plod in a school I definitely wouldn't have enjoyed it.
The location was what made it special - it didn't reignite the spark to go back to it when I was back home. I think what happened when I made the decision I did around giving up has also put me off, probably like the way your loan ended did you.

 

[SaddlePsych'D]

I can relate to the things around losing horsey contacts and not finding RS riding so satisfying. I haven't had my own horse before but did have a share which I had to give up as I moved and that was a big loss. It took a while to find an RS I like, and even then I have felt a bit aimless with it.

I do think RSs could do more for adult riders in terms of having training goals/things to work before. I'm not competitive but I love having a sense of progress and something to work towards in my nervous 'why am I doing this?!' moments. I can imagine this is magnified if you have had your own horse and in the past been getting out there to different events/places.

I booked a trek with my (sort of horsey) OH just for something different, it was so fun! Also started looking at mechanical horse lessons, have a go polo sessions, riding holidays, horse archery - just for a change although haven't done any of them yet.

Definitely worth putting out an ad for a share, just be honest about your situation and what you can do in terms of time. I am fairly limited because of work and my location but (touch wood!) have found another share now. Two of the three shares I have had were on full livery so they are out there - it costs a bit more but still a very good 'deal' and I have flexibility to spend more time/lend a hand when I can. With livery costs increasing perhaps more owners would be open to a sharer, especially someone like yourself with experience.

It's taking time to rebuild my horsey community (aside from the forum!) but on the right yard a share can be fabulous for this.

 

[Barton Bounty]

On the flip side, im 35, have two horses pretty much do what I like, but I dont have children and seems likely I can't. I am always being told by people with kids stuff like 'must be great you only have to look after yourself, can do what I like, sleep when I like etc'. It's actually not that great to have the choice taken away from you. At least you can come back to horses more later if you want.

I know through a friend how difficult it is. She was 35 and had to have a double mastectomy and a hysterectomy, had that chance taken away from her. Mentally it is so tough as others can flippantly say ‘must be great to have no ties’ without probably thinking of how the other person will feel.

 

[Penguin_Toes]

Thanks everyone, it is helpful to get some perspective sometimes, and also really nice to hear that others have been in similar positions and felt the same, and that some have ended up with six horses ?

I had my hands a bit too full owning last year. But I did find it a good deal easier with the loan horse, I think because I liked her far more than the horse I owned then sold. You can forgive the time and money more easily when you actually like them…

I know I am being ridiculous and that 36 is no age. It’s just such a frustrating hobby to have, so expensive and time consuming and I feel like I’ve been chasing after it forever and not really getting anywhere. I wish I loved cycling or something where you could leave the bike in the shed and it not take over your life!

I think I will proceed as follows:

Keep on with the weekly lesson as it’s not easy to find a great instructor with good riding school horses.
Consider writing my own honest advert offering a share, rather than replying to other people’s wanted adverts.
Volunteer at horse events.
Have a mechanical riding lesson.
Consider a riding holiday.
Keep in mind that my son is very little in the scheme of things and will grow up fast (and possibly marry an Australian and end up living on the other side of the world, leaving me with too much time!)
I need a new car this year, perhaps get one that can tow so I am ready to go in a couple of years.
When the time comes, get a kind, older horse that I can just get cracking and have fun with.
Wear the damn bracelet.

@huskydamage I hope I didn’t upset you, and I’m so sorry that choice has been taken away from you. Sometime you need your friends to just agree that something is really hard and awful, rather than try and 'fix' it.

I know it is not a big problem to have in the scheme of things, in fact it is not a problem at all in the world we are living in. But no one understands the irrationality like other horsey people ?

 

[ycbm]

Wear the damn bracelet.

Go for it!
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