Feeling blue

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DellaMoon

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I will apologise now if this rambles! Next year will almost certainly be my last year as a horse owner for the foreseeable future. I have a 3 yr old (4 in Feb) who I am going to produce to sell once the weather improves (hahaha). I expect she will be put on the market late spring early summer and once she has gone that will be it. My husband and I got married this summer and the horse is putting pressure on us in terms of time and money. We can afford it but it does mean that we do not have the scope to be putting much aside for a bigger house, holidays, children etc. We also want to start a family and I don't think doing both is an option. I'm starting to get quite depressed about being horseless. I know I will still have horses to ride but it's not the same as having your own. I'm desperate to compete and produce other horses but it just won't fit into my life any more.

Has anyone else been in a similar position? What did you do and how did you cope?

Thank you - miniature heroes all round.
 
Why sell your horse, or remain horseless if you don't want to, esp if you can manage the cost side of things? There is no way I would sell my girl to have more time to have a family! If/when I have a family then they and my mare will fit around each other. Lots of people on here have horses and a family. While they most certainly don't have an over abundance of spare time or cash, they do manage it!
 
I have a 2 year old daughter and 3 horses.

I wouldnt be without them!

They are just part of our lives and my other half is great.

If you do have to sell, find a share or part loan, this way you still get contact with horses and be able to ride and compete but save yourself time and money.

I know this isnt he same as having your own but its better than nothing!
 
I have so much respect for you mothers with horses. I would love to do it but don't think my OH would. I feel very selfish making him miss out on things because of my hobby. He doesn't understand how crazy us horse people are! Thinks it's money down the drain in some respects.
 
My mum managed with 2 children under 5, a husband who was a self employed tree surgeon and a part time job to have her horse. When my sister and I were under 10 she had an event horse, a showjumper and our pony.
We didn't go on holidays and had cars which were bangers. I remember one Christmas my mum made chocolates to give as gifts as they didn't have money to buy presents. I had the most wonderful and healthy childhood though growing up with the horses. I would play for hours up the stables while she rode, those are my happiest memories. I didn't have fancy toys or new clothes but I had an amazing childhood, I remember being a tiny tot and sitting on my mums horse.

My OH isn't horsey and he questions how I will cope with children and horses but he knows that I will never give up my horse come hell or high water.

You have to do what's best for you. If having holidays is more important then a horse and you don't want your young child to be at the yard then you have to think about selling your horse.

Horsey friends I know who have just had their first child have all kept their horses, one friend has 6 horses and a newborn baby!
 
DellaMoon said:
I have so much respect for you mothers with horses. I would love to do it but don't think my OH would. I feel very selfish making him miss out on things because of my hobby. He doesn't understand how crazy us horse people are! Thinks it's money down the drain in some respects.
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I dont know, I think your OH is being some what selfish on not letting you keep up the hobby as everybody needs to have a hobby. Could you perhaps have lessons while your horseless? Each to their own but my OH would not be my OH if he told me to give up horses!
 
If you had horses or were into them when you met your hb then he needs to accept this as part of you! It isn't a part of your life that I think it is easy to pick up and drop as it suits.
I am v glad my oh is horsey as there is no way I could or would want to change for someone.
Horses and family can certainly mix and I think a horsey outdoors childhood is a really wonderful one. Having to learn how to behave and react around such a large intelligent animal is an incredibly important learning experience for anyone, and is of such an amazing value to children.
 
I'm painting my OH in a bit of a bad light at the moment. He's not told me I have to give up at all. He doesn't fully understand how I feel about horses so I feel selfish making his life very different to what it would be. He know's I love them and that I have given up a lot to have mine. But he has given up a lot too, is it really fair of me to make him lose out for my "hobby"? Especially when I can still ride other people's horses?
 
How would he be loosing out though? Does he have an interest or hobby that he can spend time on while you have your horse time? Perhaps he could be pusuaded to spend time with you while you are on the yard, perhaps hack out with you ocassionally? No need for either of you to give things up just because you are married and planning your future together! Your interests make you who you are, don't give them up, just look at how you can enjoy things together or spend time concentrating on each of your hobbies as well as things together!
 
Please don't think badly of him. I promise you this is coming from me, not him. I don't feel it's fair that I spend a good part of our wages on something just for me. I've always said to him that I didn't think I would do horses and children when it was always something that would happen in the future. Now it's getting closer to us having a family I'm not as sure as I was. I've always made out that the horse would go. Now I don't think I want her to but feel I'm being selfish.

I knew I would end up rambling!! Sorry, have more chocolate!!
 
If you don't want to then don't! Just take things as they come. If you find that when you have a child together that you don't have the time for your horse, then you could send it out on loan for a while. That way it leaves you rather more in control. It is so hard to know how you would feel in advance of something so life changing, so leave your options open rather than selling and regreting it.
 
I know plenty of people who have started up families, had OH who do not support their hobbies...and they have managed easily....be it with one horse or a yard full of horses. However plenty of people also take a break from horses...start up families and then get back into horse owning after a few years.

If you don't feel like you can manage a horse and a family then don't...there is no shame in that. Don't feel like this is also the end of owning a horse for you either...you will probably find that maybe in a year or two you will probably end up being a horse owner again like many of us do :)

Try not to plan it, and just take it as it comes.

My OH is doomed to a life of me being at the yard all the time and never going on holiday!! :)
 
We got married in May and baby is due in January - I sold my pride and joy in August after much heartache of what to do for pretty much the exact same reasons. Though I feel blue often about not having a horse I cannot wait until our baby is born and it gives me something positive to focus on. I know I will be bale to buy another horse at some point so that is what I remind myself. It is difficult though as it feels like part of 'me' is missing!
 
DellaMoon, I know exactly how you feel - I gave up horses when I became pregnant with my son. I felt it completely unfair to spend that sort of money on my hobby and leave the family finances struggling to cope because of it. My ex (yes ex now...) did not force me to do this or even suggest it - it came from me. I felt that the time had come to make a break for a while and concentrate on my family,

However, 10 years later and my son is obviously 10 and I have a 4yo daughter too I am well and truly back in the saddle of horse ownership.

This return came about because of several things - I am officially a golf widow - partner plays both days over weekend (sometimes 36 holes in a day) and sometimes during the week. Son is a member of a golf club too so is out doing his thing (last summer he was playing from 9am through to 8pm every day!!!!! Daughter has shown a passion for horses and quite a good seat too - so ...... we now have my mare and her Section A.... we also have decent jobs to pay for it...

Can I suggest that you don't give up until you actually get pregnant - it could take years....

Speak to your partner about it too - tell him your feelings and make a diary note that you may return!!

Oh and do you know what - I actually enjoyed the break from horses too!!
 
You never know, he might surprise you. My OH is not horsey at all, had nothing to do with my old mare and it was very much, "You can have her if you can afford her". A year after buying her I got pregnant and then he saw her in a different light. He loved the way she took care of me when I was huge, loved the way the kids eyes lit up when they saw her and how much they loved to sit up in the saddle. She taught both my girls to ride and he now appreciates that horses are a way of life rather than a hobby and its a way of life he likes his children to have. He helps us out a little bit now although he will never learn to ride but he never begrudes us the money spent on keeping two at a livery yard. He feels the life lessons the girls get taught, the outdoor life they lead all year round and the fun they have is well worth giving up holidays and new clothes for. We'e made big changes in our lives since the kids came along. I now only work part time and every penny I have goes on the horses, which means I cannot contribute to the mortgage, food anything. But he never complains! Your OH might be the same way - talk to him.
 
Well I am biased as DellaMoon is my best friend/fellow livery and my right arm :)

I don't want to see her give up. I would literally be lost without her :(

I think she should carry on. She is one of the most sympathetic and natural riders I have ever met and she should carry on producing and selling youngsters!

I think she could do both :D Not just from a selfish point of view :D She will always have me around to be on hand to help out with the horse once she is reproducing :D and while babies are small :D

and her hubby will be the most amazing dad and will love being at home with the kids while she is at the stables!! :D

Don't give up :) :D
 
Sorry but I wouldn't get rid of my horses for no man, I'd get rid of him first :D

The way I see it is simple, horses would be part of my life, and if a man can't accept that then they shouldn't get involved.

Its possible to have horses and kids, hell loads on here do.
A woman at my yard recently had her first baby, had absolutely no thoughts of giving up her horse. She has part loaned him out, and it works well for her and for the loaner.

I have found that men just dont understand the relationship us women have with our horses, the exception being Men who also have a love for them. The are often jealous of the relationship also, or moan about costs. My argument would always be well I had horses before you met me, it wasn't an issue then and without them, I'd be so damn miserable to be around, you'd soon bugger off anyway!

I've a friend going through this, her bloke has a problem with the time she spends with her horse - what did she go do? Bought another horse :D:D:D:D:D:D
 
I wouldn't be selling her for him! I'd do it for our family. It's a lot to think about and I keep swaying either way. It's not a decision I have to make now. Just the thought of it is getting me down. Think I need lists of fors and againsts for both.
 
I'm with bump with my first and have decided my ex racer (who I've lost my confidence with) will be found a new home in the spring as I can't cope with him and his needs with this new thing about to hit our lives!

What I have done though is get myself a 14.2 cob (bought this summer), she's nine and other than being a bit grumpy with the weather at the mo, is a good sort. She does not need riding every day, far from it, and before I became pregnant I often only rode her once at the weekend for a good long hack, go in the trailer somewhere nice and then could pretty much leave her be the rest of the week, unless I wanted to do otherwise. She's hardy, easy to do in all ways, just a quick brush over and saddle her up and off you go when you have time/feel like it. Good doer and will largely stay out this winter only coming in in a blizzard. I'm contemplating buying her a really decent big field shelter for her next year, something she can get tucked into, lie down in and be fed in and then possibly she wouldn't even need to come in at all, cutting out mucking out! My OH and I work from home so he's happy to cover for me to give me time off when the time comes or strap baby onto his back and take his bike while I ride.

I've deliberately bought myself a small, cheap to keep and easy to do cob so that I can still ride and should be far easier to fit in with our new life - will see if in practice it works!

I think you can make it work, if you really, really want to just have to work a way around it all!!

All the best x
 
I've not been in your situation DellaMoon - I'm some way off settling down just yet - so if I'm talking nonsense then please ignore :D

Rather than giving up your horses, how about a change of gear? Once you've sold your youngster you could look for a slightly more experienced all-rounder type to play with. A nice, settled, low maintenance type that you could find a sharer for if you are in the family way, or that could live out and have a nice long holiday as and when.

Also, maybe if you had a 'novice friendly' horse, your OH might enjoy getting more involved. Different situation - but my Dad is a typical Londoner and had never been near a horse until he met my Mum. But he turned out to be an absolute natural, really has 'the touch' when it comes to calming sensitive horses, and loves his jumping and xc. He's always spent less time at the yard than mum and I, and would rather go to the footy on a Saturday afternoon than gossip in the tack room, but having something that we did as a family was fab. He is also a fab rider, but don't tell him I said so ;)

I know this wouldn't suit everyone, but if you 'open the door' so to speak, then your OH might surprise you.
 
Thank you all for taking the time to share your experiences with me. It is great to hear of how other people have coped. I will talk to him when the time is right and discuss all our options. I know he'd do anything to keep me happy. That almost makes it harder because I have to realise myself how selfish I am being and if what I'm asking for is reasonable.
 
Dellamoon - I feel for you, I don't have my own horse but long to one day! I have regular riding lessons to keep within the industry, which I find is great, and I will not stop these for NO ONE!!
My OH is not horsey, and although he will give Horlicks a pat and carrots (a horse at said RS who I love and want!!) he says I am not in a position to buy her (she's for sale) and he is right, but I have told him, that one day I WILL have my own horse, regardless of whether we have children on not!

Is there not a yard you can "borrow" a horse from to compete with etc?
 
Dellamoon - you have had some great replies on here.
This is not something I'm having to consider yet, but will be in the cards later on I fear. :P

Have you spoken to your OH to find out what his views are on this and what he's thinking? How long ago was it that you spoke of being horseless when the time came to have a child?

My OH is not horsey in the slightest. Just recently, money has been a major issue due to several things going wrong and the minute I mentioned selling one of the 2 ponies, his answer was a definite no. Again, like you, I feel incredibly guilty that so much money is spent on my hobby BUT, its him that tells me that they are more than just my hobby and he's seen how anguished I was when I had to sell the last one.

Hope you get this sorted and that you are happy with your decision. I wouldn't rush into action until you have had a good discussion with OH and really think about how you will feel without your own horse. :)
 
Thank you again. It's a while since we talked about it properly but he's still assuming she will be sold. I'm not in a rush to make a decision but want to make sure it is the right one. I think he's more ready to start a family than I am, although I do get very broody at times!!!
 
DellaMoon said:
I think he's more ready to start a family than I am, although I do get very broody at times!!!
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I never get broody!! My OH wants another one or two (he already has a 5 year boy) but I've told him, I must be married first and he'll get one if he's lucky!! I see my sister struggle with two, and her OH works all hours god sends, and now she is expecting her third!!
 
I was in almost exactly the same position as you 20 years ago. I just didn't see how I was going to manage to keep my horse plus have babies. Our finances were very tight and it just didn't seem reasonable to keep my horse. I advertised her half heartedly and immediately found the dream home for her. She was my pride and joy and my horse of a lifetime and I cried solidly for the week before the new owners came to collect her. During this time my husband tried to persuade me to keep her, saying that he could see how much I loved the horse and we'd manage somehow. I did go through with the sale because it was such a fantastic home and I thought it was the best thing for my horse.

Once my children started arriving I was so busy that it was a relief not to have the commitment of a horse and while they were young it was a really magical time. When my youngest daughter was 8 we bought her a pony and we now have the pony plus a horse that 2 of the children compete on.

I think life goes through different stages and if you're considering giving up being a horse owner for a while perhaps thats whats best for you. For me, it was the most sensible decision to sell my horse but I was incredibly emotionally attached to her and if I could live life over again i would have kept her.
 
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