Feeling down.. aftermath of losing a horse. Experiences, please?

[Breez]

For reference, I'm a regular poster, under a different name for anonymity's sake.

I lost my horse of a lifetime a few months ago, which absolutely gutted me. I can't describe how I felt, only that I've not felt emptiness like that before in my life. It was sudden, there was no warning, he was young, and he was here one day and gone the next. I struggled to deal with it at the time, and ended up bringing home another horse shortly after to help me with the grief and keep me busy.

My new horse (I say new, I've owned him a couple of months) is amazing. He's virtually my dream horse, he's sane, beautiful, moves like a dream, has a wonderful attitude and I'm aware that a few people on our yard would snap my hand off for him. So why am I feeling like it's a chore to go and see him? I've had people comment on how fab he's looking now, what an improvement it is since he arrived... he's lovely, I take care of him the best I can and according to other people (strangers included), he's thriving off it. It just somehow feels like I'm letting him down, because my heart isn't in it. I see him everyday and he wants for nothing, but I can't seem to give it my all.

I know I'm being stupid, but I'm toying with the idea of walking away from horses if I'm still feeling like this in a couple of months time. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy riding, but it's almost like I'm enjoying borrowing friends' horses, going for a hack, coming back and handing the horse back... I guess keeping them at arm's length. It's such an expensive hobby to not be getting the most of it, but I'd be walking away from friends and social circles too.

Really, really rambley post, but does anyone have any experience in this? How long did it take you to bond with a new horse after losing one? How do you know you're doing the right thing? I just... I don't know what to do anymore. Any replies are appreciated.

 

[AmyMay]

I've been in your situation. Lost my lovely mare, bought what was actually a horse of a lifetime very quickly thereafter. It took several months for me to get in to the 'groove' with him so to speak. But of course we got there - and I'm glad I didn't sell him (as I so nearly did).

Grief hits us all in many different ways. But the truth of the matter is we have to move on, and more importantly we have to put it in to perspective.

Don't give up a past time you love. Just work through those feelings, and learn to enjoy your lovely new horse.

 

[Turks]

Hiya, I've been through it and seen many others in the same boat and you have my sympathies. I would just say that it takes ages to build the strength of bond you had with your last horse. Just carry on and know that you won't feel that level of attachment for quite some time but all being well it will come. Your new horse sounds lovely. Just try to appreciate it for what it is.
I'm in a similar boat at the moment and I am just accepting that its not the same now but it will grow into a real partnership in time. Hang on in there and review it again in a couple of months. I actually think it takes years to get to that point mind! I try to focus more on the horse and its settling that me. The more I try to put myself in the horse's head the sooner that bond grows.
I hope you come to really enjoy him.

 

[miss_c]

Oh OP, I've been in this situation and feel for you. I lost my mare in a trailer accident, and Genie literally came home the next day. She was coming anyway subject to vetting and I was advised by my then instructor to go ahead (the best advice I have EVER been given!). She didn't put a hoof wrong really, but I had absolute hell bonding with her, she wasn't Mazzie and didn't do some things Maz did. I remember once I was in the stable crying because she wouldn't pick her foot up, really stupid things like that. Anyhow, 5 years on and I adore her (it hasn't taken 5 years to get to this point though!) and I think if I hadn't got her I wouldn't have got another horse.

What I'm basically trying to say is that it DOES get better and easier with time, you just need to wait. There's still days I'll feel down about what happened to Mazzie, but I have Genie to keep me busy, and she really did help me after the accident as I was too busy seeing to her needs to worry about myself.

Big hugs, and try to keep your chin up. x

 

[Clare85]

I've been in your situation too - except I did sell on the 'new' horse. I struggled to feel a bond with him and just kept comparing him to my old boy who I'd lost. I can tell you now with hindsight, selling that horse was the biggest mistake I've ever made. I did walk away from horses to a point. I kept riding, having lessons, taking out hacks for my riding school, etc. but I haven't owned a horse since.

Now, years on, I wish I'd kept going with it, I miss horse ownership terribly. Once you've sold up and walked away, I've found it's really hard to get back into ownership. I now have a husband (who has never known me as a horse owner) and a small daughter. I am hoping to get a horse soon but life would be just so much easier if my husband was already used to me having a horse and the cost/time that goes with it. I really want to do it though, for my little girl. Having her has made me realise what's important in life, and horses are so important to me. I want her to grow up knowing what it's like to have that.

I really hope you can build that bond with your new horse. You should try and build as many lovely memories as possible. Plan to do shows/competitions/long rides/etc, to help you build up those shared experiences to create that bond we all love so much. It will come back.

 

[ozpoz]

I wonder if you are naturally just being self protective? After losing a young horse,(and I have) I found it a chore doing any of them,and I decided It was due to me not wanting to be too involved in case I lost another one. And that passed, in time, and the feelings of loss are just a memory.
I think sooner or later, your new horse will do something which makes you realise he is yours.
: )

 

[Breez]

I remember once I was in the stable crying because she wouldn't pick her foot up, really stupid things like that. Anyhow, 5 years on and I adore her (it hasn't taken 5 years to get to this point though!) and I think if I hadn't got her I wouldn't have got another horse.

I found myself getting really frustrated yesterday... because he wouldn't come to call :blue: Hardly the worst thing in the world, but my last boy used to greet me with a symphony of whinnies all the way across the field. Perhaps I'm comparing too much, it's hard not to though.

Amymay - I know I need to move on, I thought I was to be honest. I just seem to be getting more frustrated with it lately, I guess because I just want what I had with him. I know it's not coming back, and I know it's stupid to want it.

Turks - it took me about 12mths to really hit it off with my last one, but I don't recall it being this hard initially. The baggage makes a difference I suppose.

Clare - that's interesting, thank you. Problem is I guess you don't know for sure until you make a jump either way.

ozpoz - quite possibly. I put my all into him, which made it all the more painful when I lost him. I can't really fault the new boy, he's just different, and he hasn't had years of work put into him yet.

Thanks for the responses - interesting to see how many people have been in the same situation. Just makes me wonder if I should've sat back for a couple of months before jumping straight back in.

 

[AmyMay]

Amymay - I know I need to move on, I thought I was to be honest. I just seem to be getting more frustrated with it lately, I guess because I just want what I had with him. I know it's not coming back, and I know it's stupid to want it.

It's not coming back with your previous horse. But if you give this one a chance it will.

 

[Clare85]

Thanks for the responses - interesting to see how many people have been in the same situation. Just makes me wonder if I should've sat back for a couple of months before jumping straight back in.

Probably would've been good to wait a bit until you had dealt with the loss emotionally, but that's neither here nor there as you have your new boy now. It's true, you won't know whether you regret giving up unless you do it. However, surely it's better to keep going for a while longer and see if you can build the bond. It'll never be the same bond as it's a different horse, but it can be just as strong given time. These things do take time unfortunately.

Goodness, feeling very emotional right now. I have lived the past few years in regret - I never gave myself the chance to bond with my new horse really. I sold him and therefore, have never really got over the loss of my old boy as he was the last horse I really felt that special connection with. I am so sure this would've been different if I had persevered with the new horse.

All I know is that what I feel now is much worse than what I felt when I was struggling to bond with my new horse.

 

[khalswitz]

I had to have my boy its one week before my new one was due to arrive. I had such a time bonding with my new boy, took me probably four or five months, and I still sometimes think, but Fitz would have/wouldnt have done that. But I think I would have been LOST without a horse to support me through the grieving period, and I think going looking for a new horse would have been a whole different experience after losing Fitz. I trusted with my judgement prior to losing him, and despite all my difficulties I know that Geoff is the right horse, it just took a while to appreciate him for himself. It is a horrible time, but look upon it like this - your new horse has been uprooted away from everything he knows, and you've had the ground pulled out from under you. Let it bring you together, and make you both stronger.

 

[Goldenstar]

The horse that comes after a horse of a lifetime often seems difficult to 'love ' especially if you only have one you compare it to the ones that's gone and it comes up short of the mark.
You have to be firm with your self and ride and train and care for the horse to thie every best of your ability and it time it will come .
The thing is you may never have with this one what you had with the last but you WILL still enjoy it and have great fun.
The very special ones are well special and it's not not like that every time .
I have been where you are now these feeling do wear off in time.

 

[MrsMozart]

It comes. Just takes time.

I remember crying when I had Dizz, because the long chestnut neck in front of me wasn't a dark appaloosa one with a funny mane.

Then, time later, I remember thinking that there was something about Dizz that I liked more/suited me better than Tigs. Never for a moment stopped loving Tiggy and my memories of her.

Now I miss the Dizz wholeheartedly, but the new boy is worming his way in because of his little things.

Just chill lass. Expect nothing. Enjoy riding. Looking after one horse isn't time consuming, so think of it as gym time (much more fun and sociable than a gym ). Let it come, don't chase it. Miss your horse for sure, but allow yourself to enjoy the new one for the little things he does that are fun.

 

[AdorableAlice]

Never ever be ashamed to grieve, the brave bit is admitting it. Time is the only healer and there is no set length of time for the process to take place. Just reading the replies on this thread has made me gulp a bit.

I lost 2 horses in the space of 7 days in 2004, nine years ago and it still hurts. One was planned and was a grand old age, but time had come, the other only 13 (colic). That left me with one horse at home and he was bereft to say the least. The herd of 3 had lived together for years, I had never seen a horse get so upset, he searched every corner of the farm. You can imagine what watching that did to me. I had owned all 3 of the horses from foals, the old boy was 29, the surviving horse 20 and the colic horse 13. I made an instant decision I could not go on and called the vet to put the third horse down.

It did not happen, friends stepped in, patched me up, found a companion for the surviving horse and persuaded me to carry on. I bought again, in haste possibly at just 4 months after the loss. (The colic horse was my competition horse and a nice one). I hated the new horse, tried to send it back (top end dealer, who insisted the horse was straight and time was needed for it to settle). How right the dealers decision was to prove. The new horse went on to be the best horse I have ever.

I think human nature finds change difficult to cope with, and all horses are different. I can remember being upset because the new horse was silent, whereas my 3 original boys never shut up when I was on the yard. I ended up putting a radio on just for 'noise'.

Well that is a bit of a ramble, but Breez, you are not doing anything wrong, don't doubt yourself, treasure the memories, don't be ashamed to admit grief and remember it is a lucky horse that finds itself in your care. Good luck for the future.

 

[SatansLittleHelper]

I have nothing more to add to the fab advice you have already been given but just wanted to send a cyber hug. Its a horrid position to be in and I really feel for you. I hope things improve soon and that you are not too hard on yourself xxx

 

[pines of rome]

When I lost my big ginger boy, I felt as if part of me had gone with him! I got another horse soon afterwards to help ease the pain, but I really just went through the motions of looking after him, I was still heartbroken about Jack!
It took me a year to really bond with Romeo, but his little personality, which is so different to Jack,s shone through and now I really love him for who he is!

 

[HelenPassfield]

I am in a similar situation right now so I know how you are feeling. I recently lost a horse (a month ago) I had only had for about 18 months in an accident, because he was young fit and healthy I can't see how it will ever feel ok. I have lost brave and faithful old friends but somehow this is worse because his life was cut short, we had so much to do together that is undone and he never had the chance for a long happy retirement. My last memory of riding him is galloping over the xc finish after an amazing round, and pass his tack in the tack room every day and feeling like I should be reaching for it - such a familiar action.

I do have others and they have been a huge comfort, I want to carry on for them as they are all very special too in their own and different ways, I know I will want another one too but not yet. I know this is a little different to you because you got your new boy after but perhaps in time he will be that comfort.

Easy to say but hard to live in the meantime, but I really believe that time is the best healer. Wishing you all the best x

 

[splashnutti1]

oh OP i know just how you feel, i lost my mare of a lifetime last year very suddenly she was fine midday by evening had died so very sudden

i honestly at the time felt completely numb couldnt believe it had happened. i felt my world had ended there and then, like someone had ripped my heart out and stamped on it for good measure! Is no feeling like it and it cant be explained to people who dont undertand that 'bond'

I got a new lad a couple of months after and at first felt the same as you, like it was a chore to go down and that i couldnt bond with him like i wanted to, kept comparing him to my mare all the time

Now a year on i am slowly starting to form that bond and build a relationship with him, he is such a good boy and craves love and attention so he is easy to love.

I still have moments for instance a bad day at a recent show had me in floods of tears wishing my mare had never gone and missing her like crazy but they are getting fewer.

sending you ((Hugs)). it does get better hun just takes time xxx

 

[Breez]

Thanks so much for all the replies. Seems it's all a part of horses... it does help me feel slightly less awful about it all.

I guess it's a case of suck up and see, maybe I'll reassess in a couple of months. Thanks again to everyone that shared.

 

[NorthDevonTraveller]

I am crying reading this thread. You are not alone with the empty, gutted feeling. Lost my lovely 6 year old boy in the New Year with twisted gut, left with retired pensioner who would look over the empty stable door wondering where his friend was. Still feeling numb several months later. My Mum bullied me into buying a replacement in May to make the most of the summer, but between being away being broken, and now being lame, I have only sat on him a couple of times and not had the chance to enjoy him. He is lovely and soppy, loves cuddles, but like many replies, I am going through the motions of looking after him without any particular connection to him, yet lots of people would love to take him on.

I helped at a show this weekend where the previous horse had won a couple of show classes last year. I had to take back 3 cups (hadn't won any in years before that) and keep a brave face. Spent most of the next day crying at home. All I can say is I am crying less than I was, but I feel much better once I have had a good howl. Like some other posters, couln't go near his tack & rugs for months. So no, you are not alone. Also remember, the people closest to you are far harder to replace than a horse. My Mum was in hospital a few times last winter, and those moments are far worse.

Big hug to you all.

 

[texas]

I unexpectedly and very suddenly lost a foal I had bred last year and too felt like giving it all up, despite having another 5 to look after! The only thing that finally got me over it, was the birth of this year's foal 6 months later. In that time how I felt varied between wanting to press on anyway as that was my life plan, and seriously considering who best to sell my horses to. I'm sorry that's not much help, just to say, you are not alone in feeling like that. Don't sell the new horse, just keep going, one day you will start enjoying it again and you would regret selling him. Maybe you could however put the new horse on full livery for a bit to give yourself some time to emotionally heal?

 

[ILuvCowparsely]

For reference, I'm a regular poster, under a different name for anonymity's sake.

I lost my horse of a lifetime a few months ago, which absolutely gutted me. I can't describe how I felt, only that I've not felt emptiness like that before in my life. It was sudden, there was no warning, he was young, and he was here one day and gone the next. I struggled to deal with it at the time, and ended up bringing home another horse shortly after to help me with the grief and keep me busy.

My new horse (I say new, I've owned him a couple of months) is amazing. He's virtually my dream horse, he's sane, beautiful, moves like a dream, has a wonderful attitude and I'm aware that a few people on our yard would snap my hand off for him. So why am I feeling like it's a chore to go and see him? I've had people comment on how fab he's looking now, what an improvement it is since he arrived... he's lovely, I take care of him the best I can and according to other people (strangers included), he's thriving off it. It just somehow feels like I'm letting him down, because my heart isn't in it. I see him everyday and he wants for nothing, but I can't seem to give it my all.

I know I'm being stupid, but I'm toying with the idea of walking away from horses if I'm still feeling like this in a couple of months time. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy riding, but it's almost like I'm enjoying borrowing friends' horses, going for a hack, coming back and handing the horse back... I guess keeping them at arm's length. It's such an expensive hobby to not be getting the most of it, but I'd be walking away from friends and social circles too.

Really, really rambley post, but does anyone have any experience in this? How long did it take you to bond with a new horse after losing one? How do you know you're doing the right thing? I just... I don't know what to do anymore. Any replies are appreciated.

Not knowing your user name, I am not sure if you know I lost my mare of a lifetime at Christmas, not a day goes by where I don't go into myself into my land where I see her running free. I still can't get over the pain. Its hurts will hurt for a long time yet specially when we go a way in Sept, as we got called back early as she had gone bad. . I am not looking forward to going away. I I can feel your pain, your not alone. Hugs .

To be honest I have felt like ending things permanently to be with her on more than one occasion.

I have no new horse but I have her son, but he is so different to her, as I love mares so much and we had an amazing bond. I would have walk over hot coals for her.

 

[Merrymoles]

After losing my boy to colic aged 19 and due to various domestic upheavals, I put off buying a new horse for three years and shared a friend's horse for a while. Nine months into owning my new boy, I can honestly say those three years were barren and I wish I had done it sooner. New boy is not a saint and I wondered for a couple of months what I had done but once I saw it from his perspective (I was his fifth owner in 18 months) we began to understand each other and now I couldn't ever part with him. He's been lame for a week and my OH and I have already discussed the fact that if he becomes a big pet, so be it.
I still call him by old boy's name frequently and it always gives me a jolt - they are so dissimilar - but it is often when new boy puts his cheeky cob head on and reminds me of old boy.
It's often said that it takes a year to get to know a new horse properly so give yourself time and space.

 

[snowstormII]

OP I too know this pain all too well. I lost my pony of a lifetime 13 months ago, suddenly and she was only 10, and there is still not one single day that goes past when I have not thought of her. I cry a lot less now, so I know things must be improving. In a definite knee jerk reaction I bought a foal just 3 months after Spice left, same type, colour, probable eventual size. He has helped but he has decided he loves my husband more than me! My other horse that I have had for 3 years now, took for everrrr to bond with me. I was still questioning why that 'CLICK' hadn't happened after 18 months to 2 years in. She is now temporarily broken - it took me looking after her on the ground to break down her barriers (ridden is still up for discussion!). I know she is not the horse for me. I am trying to sell her, but the market being what it is means no-one is interested in her. I can't get rid of the so and so! I think this must be God's way of making us bond or having a wry laugh at my expense. I just want a horse I can go anywhere with, without fearing for my safety and so I can giggle and feel care-free again. Those types of horses are made and not bought, so what I am saying is, try to muddle through with your new horse and love the bits he does well and look for minute improvements and celebrate them. One day in a few years time you will have made a nice horse, perhaps not as great as your lost love, but good in different ways. I am currently trying hard to hold on to this ideal too. Shall we compare notes in say 2 years (maybe we'll be able to laugh at ourselves by then!!)

 

[Spring Feather]

A young horse of mine died a few months ago. She was a very very special horse to me and I miss her every day. I often find myself when in her field, chatting to the other horses and I look around to see where she is, and then it comes back to me that she's gone. I miss her terribly. After having had so many horses in my lifetimes and still owning lots of great and lovely horses, it's strange that I still find it difficult to believe she has gone.

My girl was young too, only 6 years old, and her death was a total shock also. There was absolutely nothing that could be done to save my mare and I think that's part of the problem and the main reason why I have such trouble accepting her death. The decision was not mine and she was taken from me.

I have lots of other horses who I like a lot but they aren't her. Many I've owned for years longer than I owned her, but they aren't her. I ride all my other horses and I enjoy riding them as much as I always did but there is most definitely a void in my riding life now and none of my other lovely horses can fill it.

I've lost a very special horse of a lifetime before. It was many many years ago and I had forgotten the toll it takes on you when it's a special horse that you have to let go of, but all those sad moments have returned and I can't shake them. I know, having been through this before, that it will stop eventually; time is a great healer as the cliche goes, but that isn't really helping me at the moment.

 

[Breez]

Thank you for all your responses. It's slightly comforting to know it's a normal thing to go through.

I can't afford to put the new boy on full livery, but he is living out 24/7 at the moment... I'm debating turning him away for a bit, but I know I'm going to find that difficult, too.

There's no harder lesson in life than learning to live without the one you lived for.

 

[Mongoose11]

I am so sorry you are feeling like this. If it helps I am only now feeling that I have opened up true communications with my mare in the last 8 months and that is after having her for three years. I have always loved her deeply, but she hadn't kind of opened herself up really and I wasn't speaking her language.

For many reasons it just can take time. It is ok that it isn't happening yet, or that you're not quite sure and that your thoughts return to your lovely lad who died. All of that's ok. Take your time, and don't expect too much (I need to take my own advice). It sounds like you are confusing your grief and your feelings for your new horse. Perhaps you could try and view them as very separate things and that might help? Perhaps you could tell your new lad all about your old one, do some crying about your lost lad into your new lad's mane, I am sure he won't mind.

Hugs and vibes to you xx

Your last line above is heartbreaking, why on Earth do we do it 'ay?

 

[mulledwhine]

You are still grieving I would have waited a while more before getting another, but it is done know

You will come around, trust me

Good luck x

 

[mulledwhine]

Forgot to say even though this horse is a ' stranger ' and that is always my feeling, I hate getting a new animal

He will become your ' family ' when you least expect it

 

[Echo Bravo]

You didn't give yourself time to grieve, did what a lot of people do and wonder why the new animal doesn't act or respond like your lost one. So give yourself time and the new horse as no doubt he's picking up on your feelings.

 

[HKJ]

Hey Breez,

I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this. A lot of us have, and when I lost one of mine a few years ago, I was devastated. I did buy a new horse, but all I did was become a zombie, I would break down crying all the time.
I ended up selling my best and most beloved horse, gave up my job, sold my lorry, car and put my other two horses on full livery and left to work abroad.
18 months later I came back to the uk and started riding again.
Then I brought back the horse I'd sold, and he'll never be sold again (he's 18 now)
He got kicked in the field and had a broken leg, he made a full recovery. I pulled through that one, then the following year the son of the dead horse was put down, he was the same age as his mother when she died
I don't think I broke any mirrors, but every year since I lost that mare, something horrible has happened
This year my mare was broken, though she is now mended. But now my lovely TB has been kicked and we thought broken leg, but is a nasty infection and god knows what else - and I've come to similar feelings I had when my mare died... Do I go on and let my heart break time after time after time.... I am now in the process of once again selling up (except my 18 year old) My heart just isn't in it any more

So totally gutted. I think my biggest mistake is buying again before I was ready. And letting myself get too deeply involved with my horses who are everything to me.

Everytime I get that call that something has happened (always when I'm working away) it near kills me.

Only you can decide what you want to do. Lots of good advice on here, but I've always found it takes a year to get a bond up with a new horse, and if your not feeling your best, imagine how your new horse must be feeling.

Good luck, and friends will stay friends if they are true friends - also, there is life after horses