Feeling down.. aftermath of losing a horse. Experiences, please?

[babymare]

Having lost Baby last friday im stil quite "raw". The heart wrenching sobs have stopped but i still cry my quiet tears. what is hard to deal with is the relief i feel. relief of it being done , of no more worry , just this wave of relief. Baby was my horse of my life my friend and i feel so guilty that i feel relief but miss her and sad. Im struggling with how i feel at mo

 

[Farma]

I know what you are going through, i lost my forever horse before xmas, she was my everything for 20 years (we bought her when i was 12) and when she died i honestly felt like my world had ended, she was the reason for so many decisions i had made and the highlight of my day every day since i had bought her and i couldnt remember life without her. It was the most painful thing i have ever gone through more so than losing members of my family.
It was around 9 months ago now and i have recently bought a wonderful new horse now, at the start i resented her and couldnt muster the enthusiasm to do anything with her so i felt i'd made a mistake getting something else but now 2 months in i realise she isnt ever going to compare to my old girl but has so many wonderful qualities in other ways.
The pain of losing a horse you loved so much wont go away but trust me it will ease with time, just take one day at a time and before you know it things will feel better x

 

[Sussexbythesea]

You are still experiencing grief - you are perfectly normal. I can't say how long it will last but for me for both my mum and my last horse around a year to feel "normal" whatever that is. Depression and a lack of feeling is the way the mind protects us whilst it repairs. The lifting of grief will normally be so gradual that without noticing one day you will suddenly realise that you don't feel like that anymore and a veil will lift.

I have lost both my parents when relatively young and horses and other animals - the thing is grief is normal, lack of connection is OK right now and just accept what you feel now but know that "this too shall pass" - something my mum always said - and it really will. I can't say what you should do with your current horse but it would be a shame to give him up because he sounds so lovely. Hope you feel better soon.

 

[Breez]

It sounds like you are confusing your grief and your feelings for your new horse. Perhaps you could try and view them as very separate things and that might help?

Your last line above is heartbreaking, why on Earth do we do it 'ay?

Why do we do it? I can't really find an answer for that right now, which is probably why I'm feeling a bit rubbish about it all. I think my problem is that I put (as bad as it sounds) too much into my last boy. He was my therapy and joy at the end of everything else, I worked for so long to get him right, and we were finally talking the same language. I put everything else in my life on hold, to work with him and get him right. I did, then a couple of months later he was snatched away and I feel (I know illogically) that I'm left with nothing. The thing that kept me going through everything else was hearing him whinney and come galloping when I called him, which he did every time.

My new horse is lovely, I've tried to take everything with him on face value and not have too many expectations / comparisons, just let him tell me how far / fast he wants to go. He's exceeded anything I thought he would, he's a star, and I was feeling okay up until about a week ago.

Hey Breez,

I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this. A lot of us have, and when I lost one of mine a few years ago, I was devastated. I did buy a new horse, but all I did was become a zombie, I would break down crying all the time.
I ended up selling my best and most beloved horse, gave up my job, sold my lorry, car and put my other two horses on full livery and left to work abroad.
18 months later I came back to the uk and started riding again.
Then I brought back the horse I'd sold, and he'll never be sold again (he's 18 now)
He got kicked in the field and had a broken leg, he made a full recovery. I pulled through that one, then the following year the son of the dead horse was put down, he was the same age as his mother when she died
I don't think I broke any mirrors, but every year since I lost that mare, something horrible has happened
This year my mare was broken, though she is now mended. But now my lovely TB has been kicked and we thought broken leg, but is a nasty infection and god knows what else - and I've come to similar feelings I had when my mare died... Do I go on and let my heart break time after time after time.... I am now in the process of once again selling up (except my 18 year old) My heart just isn't in it any more

So totally gutted. I think my biggest mistake is buying again before I was ready. And letting myself get too deeply involved with my horses who are everything to me.

Everytime I get that call that something has happened (always when I'm working away) it near kills me.

Only you can decide what you want to do. Lots of good advice on here, but I've always found it takes a year to get a bond up with a new horse, and if your not feeling your best, imagine how your new horse must be feeling.

Good luck, and friends will stay friends if they are true friends - also, there is life after horses

It sounds like you've had a really tough time. I'm starting to think maybe I should've done the same, but at the time of losing my boy I wasn't ready to throw in the towel... we had so many plans for this summer. I should've done something like go abroad, I didn't. Maybe I need to reconsider options... but I'm in a position where, as much as I hate my job, I'd be stupid to give it up.

I think I'm guilty of "burying my head in the sand" and trying to keep myself busy enough to stop the grieving. I think it's taken a few months for it to really sink in that he's gone anyway, and now it has I'm really missing him. I'm finding myself just holding onto strands of his mane (found on his old turnout rugs that I dug out a couple of weeks ago) and feeling really emotional. As I said, I was okay up until last week.

It was the most painful thing i have ever gone through more so than losing members of my family.
The pain of losing a horse you loved so much wont go away but trust me it will ease with time, just take one day at a time and before you know it things will feel better x

Having lost close family members too, I agree wholeheartedly with you. He was the centre of my world, and I'm finding it hard to gravitate round anything else.

Think I need a stiff drink or two, tonight.

 

[Casey76]

I lost Pinto at the beginning of March. He had been mine for almost 8 years and we knew each other inside out. I was devastated. Despite having my baby horse waiting in the wings, I started looking for a new horse straight away, and my new girl moved in at the beginning of May.

It was a bit of an anticlimax after all of the horse shopping, and visiting etc.

I do like her a lot. She is a very sweet mare, easy to do etc, but she isn't Pinto. Although I don't mind doing ground work and lunging etc, I'm finding it very difficult to get motivated to ride, and I've actually only ridden her a handful of times in 3 months.

She gets quite a lot of work, though, as I have a friend schooling her, and she is shaping up to be a lovely riding horse. I actually get more pleasure out of watching someone else ride her at the moment.

I know I'll get there in the end, even if it takes a long time. fortunately all of my firends are very understanding, and are not putting any pressure on me at all to be "getting on with things."

 

[Pipkin]

I lost my horse of a lifetime (Ayla) PTS in April, she didnt even reach her 7th birthday. I have another five horses at home (three are ridden, two are babies) and for a while I didnt really want to know, i'd hack out now and then, I turned them all out for the summer the day I had my mare pts and my OH seen to them. My main mare is the total opposite of how Ayla was, Ayla was the easiest horse to work with and never once told me no, main mare is a complete and utter ass and tells me no daily In a way I actually prefer it this way because it will remind how special Ayla really was and that I will never ever be able to replace her.
It has been really really hard and I often think I could have done more, maybe if I had hung on until the nice weather she could have pulled through but whats done is done and I have to live with it.
I will always compare the two but I have started riding more now (I've even asked a stud to custom breed a foal for me to do all the things i never got to do with Ayla).
It will get easier with your new horse it just takes time, patience and tears.

 

[Tobiano]

Gosh this thread is so terribly sad. I feel for all of you who have lost your soul mates. The last time I lost a horse (not even mine) I didnt go near another one for 25 years, so I do understand how it feels.

Breez, I think the point you made about burying your head in the sand is exactly the right point. As devastating as it is, you do actually need to allow yourself to grieve and not try to suppress it by being busy. I think you need to let your grief out a bit and acknowledge it and be allowed to be sad. Your new horse won't be able to stop you being sad and if that gets muddled up with who he is, then it is going to be very hard to like him.

When you can, just let yourself feel how it would be to be your new horse, to come into this situation. It will help you to feel empathy for him, not the same as love, but something that will be a comfort for both of you.

Bless you. Hugs x

 

[Breez]

I just wanted to put a quick post on here thanking everyone for replying. It really is appreciated.

Breez, I think the point you made about burying your head in the sand is exactly the right point. As devastating as it is, you do actually need to allow yourself to grieve and not try to suppress it by being busy. I think you need to let your grief out a bit and acknowledge it and be allowed to be sad. Your new horse won't be able to stop you being sad and if that gets muddled up with who he is, then it is going to be very hard to like him.

That's something I've made a point of allowing myself to do over the past couple of weeks. I've taken some days away from the yard, been a bit of a miserable sod(!), but allowed myself to mull over my old boy. I'm feeling a little better, and having had a big breakthrough with the new boy this week, I am feeling more positive about it all.

Horses can be such a headache. Again, thank you all for your support. It has been really helpful to read some of these replies.

x

 

[Superhot]

Breeze, have you considered seeking pet bereavement counselling? I know the Blue Cross offer this, as do the BHS I believe. Sometimes we all need a helping hand to understand the purpose of things, and talking to someone who isn't emotionally involved with you can help.
You sound as if you learned so much bringing on your horse, but only you know whether you feel ready to use this knowledge to help another horse.
I don't know how old you are, and indeed, how physically fit you are. When I lost my horse last year, friends were very kind and offered me their horses to ride, but to be honest, that was rather missing the point. I'd had my mare 20 years, we knew each other inside out, trusted each other completely. It wasn't the riding I missed, it was sharing my life with my best friend I missed, and still do...

 

[Holidays_are_coming]

I lost my horse of a lifetime a week ago, it some ways my complete lack of funds means that I cant get a new one until the new year, I'm going for something totally different. I really miss my girl who was taken far too soon at 11, but I couldnt watch her suffer with painful arthritis and Id tried everything.

I have found other horses to ride and a lovely youngster to hekp the owner with, which will give me some practice for my next one. Its not the same though and I really miss my lifestyle owning a horse.

 

[LazyL]

Please keep working at connecting with your new horse. I know it's awful. I'm in the midst of mourning, and while it's been devastating, I know another horse will come my way. In January 2013, I lost my 23-year-old Arab gelding to a sudden and violent bout of colic (his first), and in July I had to put down my Warmblood mare because of an old back anomaly that made it too painful for her to move much (we discovered it in the autopsy). I had her for only 2-1/2 years but she taught me so much and we were just beginning to bond. However, the trauma of losing both of my darlings in such a short time, through no cause or fault of my own except plain bad luck, has put everything in my life on the back burner except the minimum necessary to make a living. That said, I've been riding a friend's horse on the trail a bit, and the experience is making me want that connection again. My old Arab and I were pretty much one and the same--bonded for 20 years. He was, essentially, me in a horse suit. Losing him was more than losing an animal--he was my emotional "go to" soul in times of stress. Whether that is mature or reasonable, I can't say, but I'm seeing now that it means I made a connection at least once to another being. Now I'm working on trust so that I can connect in a similar way with humans, but horses will always be easier because of who they are. However, I made a connection once, I can do it again. So can you. Give yourself and your new horse time. Connections are not built in a day or a month or even a year, but as they grow, they grow strong. Hang in there, and give yourself time to grieve while you work on connecting with your new horse. He won't mind. And you will need to work through your grief while you create a new friendship with your equine friend. Best of wishes for success.

 

[babymare]

Op you are still grieving for what was and thats perfectly natural. But give yourself time withyour new horse.try not to expect to much take every day one at time. Give yourself time to "click". Try and just enjoy the simple things such as grooming and tfind the little things he likes such as his itchy spots . But most of all dont be hard on yourself how you feel. Dont put pressure on self to click with him. it will happen prob when not expecting it. hugs as its hard when you loss a loved horse x x

 

[Patchworkpony]

It's quite simple - you are grieving. Naturally you won't have any interest, but having gone through exactly what you have, more than once' all I can say is please don't assume this is how you feel for ever. Your old enthusiasm will return but SO slowly you won't even notice it at first, therefore the very worst thing you can do is make major decisions based on how you are feeling now. I lost a beloved fell pony last year (with a brain tumour) I had had him from a yearling, he was only eight and I had just broken him to drive. It took me a full year at least to stop feeling empty but now I just bless the fact I did own him and thankfully have moved on to looking forward. My heart goes out to you as life can be so unfair, especially if your horse was really loved and cared for while other people who neglect their animals still manage to hang on to them!

 

[Breez]

Wow, resurrection of an old thread.

This was posted 4mths ago. I stuck with it and things improved. The horse in question is a lovely boy with a lot of potential. However, 2mths ago I saw him go to his new home, where he's being loved to bits.

I'm still in the horsey world, but with something a little more like the boy I lost. It's still early days, but I'm feeling more positive. We'll see.

Thanks again, all.

 

[benson21]

I lost benson in the most horrid way, he was hit by a car, and died on the road, before the vet could get there. I was badly injured so spent a while away from the yard, but when I got back into the swing of things, I couldnt imagine my life without a horse. Its only natural to feel down after loosing one, but my new one has filled a massive hole that benson left. But I still dont feel I love him as much as I did benson. I am so scared that I am going to loose him, I dont want to be completly smitten with him, because I know it hurt so much.

 

[Jo Roche]

Never ever be ashamed to grieve, the brave bit is admitting it. Time is the only healer and there is no set length of time for the process to take place. Just reading the replies on this thread has made me gulp a bit.

I lost 2 horses in the space of 7 days in 2004, nine years ago and it still hurts. One was planned and was a grand old age, but time had come, the other only 13 (colic). That left me with one horse at home and he was bereft to say the least. The herd of 3 had lived together for years, I had never seen a horse get so upset, he searched every corner of the farm. You can imagine what watching that did to me. I had owned all 3 of the horses from foals, the old boy was 29, the surviving horse 20 and the colic horse 13. I made an instant decision I could not go on and called the vet to put the third horse down.

It did not happen, friends stepped in, patched me up, found a companion for the surviving horse and persuaded me to carry on. I bought again, in haste possibly at just 4 months after the loss. (The colic horse was my competition horse and a nice one). I hated the new horse, tried to send it back (top end dealer, who insisted the horse was straight and time was needed for it to settle). How right the dealers decision was to prove. The new horse went on to be the best horse I have ever.

I think human nature finds change difficult to cope with, and all horses are different. I can remember being upset because the new horse was silent, whereas my 3 original boys never shut up when I was on the yard. I ended up putting a radio on just for 'noise'.

Well that is a bit of a ramble, but Breez, you are not doing anything wrong, don't doubt yourself, treasure the memories, don't be ashamed to admit grief and remember it is a lucky horse that finds itself in your care. Good luck for the future.

 

[ycbm]

Zombie thread alert.

 

[Boulty]

Removed as didn’t realise how old the thread was!

 

[fawaz]

Lol zombie thread

 

[tristar]

the shock and ensuing grief is very very tiring, you have to give your mind time to come to terms with what has happened, and time to get back your energy, take it easy for whilexxxxx

 

[poiuytrewq]

Loosing my first horse hit me like a train. I think maybe, weirdly as I was in my 20’s and had lost grandparents he was the first thing I’d lost that was such a massive part of my life. I worshipped him.
I’d never felt so lost and empty. I sat up the first few nights all night doing nothing. I threw a dinner plate full of food at a wall. I think I came quite close to loosing the plot looking back.
I think horses are particularly difficult to loose as they are not only someone we love but we spend so much time doing that the loss is so much more obvious.
You honestly will get past this and enjoy horses again xx

 

[Tiddlypom]

Zombie thread alert.

Why would a new forum member bump up a 6 year old thread which will hold such sad memories for many folk ?

 

[milliepops]

I don't know but it seems to happen quite often

 

[spoo]

sorry, edited, didn’t realised it was an old post

 

[poiuytrewq]

Zombie thread alert.

Why would a new forum member bump up a 6 year old thread which will hold such sad memories for many folk ?

Oh no how weird. I’d not even noticed that