Feeling so down, need support.

[jj_87]

does she work the same way for the person schooling her? If so I personally would be looking to get a work up. If it's just for you, why not consider your husbands idea? We spend so much money on them to not enjoy them! And once you feel more confident you can always try again with her if shes on loan.
I do think it takes at least 18 months to really know a horse in every season and situation, and throughout that period lots of tears and longing for someone to swap! Especially mares!

 

[JanetGeorge]

Thank you all so very much for your replies.
Deep down I know its ‘me’ setting her up for these behaviours as no, she doesn’t really do them with the professionals. One lady in particular she seems to actually enjoy riding her!!
I do wonder if my quite severe nerves in the early days affected her and now she is reluctant to ‘let go’ and work well. I don’t know. Finding a loaner would not be difficult she is beautiful and capable over and above my needs.
Its just such a shame as I really do adore her.

I can only suggest you put your brave pants on and go back to the beginning. Lunge her and walk her out in-hand or on long lines. Lots of pats and vocal praise when she does as asked, and a stern voice in reprimand when she doesn't. Then - on a good day - get back on and SING!! If you have a favorite song, re-write it to suit her - and you. Singing relaxes your jaw - and from there your whole body. It helps get the message through to her that you are friends, and enjoy each other's company.

If you can't do that, then definitely sell or loan to the RIGHT home (and they are very hard to find.) Remember - as she no doubt does - that confidence is what you both want and need. So - for now - pick your moments. Get on feeling confident - and get off as fast as you can if she breaks your confidence - or when she is good for 2 minutes.

 

[Charmer91]

I was in your position about 14 years ago, because I let my pride get in the way and wasn't prepared to say I needed even more help than I wanted to admit and didn't want to part with her as I felt like I wasn't a capable rider. However I still have the horse now, at the time I probably should have parted ways and accepted that you cannot force a partnership but on the other hand it taught me that some horses are just more difficult than others. It took some years before I really felt I had succeeded with her, however I still have some rides now where I think how does it all go so wrong and the next day it'll be perfect.
Please don't feel like you've failed, I know how much it hurts but whatever you do decide, you're not a failure. It takes a lot to step back and seek advice and/or help.

 

[Tarragon]

You haven't failed, you just haven't succeeded yet, or think you haven't. I have kept a pony diary for all things horsey for years, and it makes interesting reading to go back and look at past entries. I bet if you had kept a diary you would be amazed at home much you have actually achieved and improved. The trouble is, there is always more ahead!
I am always one to advocate just hacking out with your horse and enjoying each other's company as the best way to build a relationship of trust, but i do appreciate that that isn't easy this time of year, but spring is just round the corner...
However, if in your heart of hearts you really think that she isn't a good match for you, you mention that some of the professional riders that ride her really like her - would any of them consider buying her off you?

 

[tallyho!]

Seems like a very simple problem this whole falling out on the shoulder thing... which side? Inside or outside? Doing what?

Horses are naturally crooked and it doesn't matter how much schooling you do - until that horse is straight, forward and collected in your hand, it will always be crooked. All the well knowing that but if the human riding it is crooked as well and doesn't know it, there's no hope for any horse underneath that rider.

All these lessons and professionals would have told you that surely by now.... I'm questioning why no one has said anything to you before now? Who teaches you?

 

[Chianti]

Can you find somewhere where she can live out? My first one was a completely different animal when she was living out compared to when she was stabled over night. You might find that she chills out and is more receptive to you riding her.

 

[peanut]

I was in your position about 14 years ago, because I let my pride get in the way and wasn't prepared to say I needed even more help than I wanted to admit and didn't want to part with her as I felt like I wasn't a capable rider. However I still have the horse now, at the time I probably should have parted ways and accepted that you cannot force a partnership but on the other hand it taught me that some horses are just more difficult than others. It took some years before I really felt I had succeeded with her, however I still have some rides now where I think how does it all go so wrong and the next day it'll be perfect.
Please don't feel like you've failed, I know how much it hurts but whatever you do decide, you're not a failure. It takes a lot to step back and seek advice and/or help.

OP and Charmer91 you could both be talking about my mare.

15 years later I still have her and still adore her. We know each other inside out and she still often gets the better of me but then she's an alpha mare. The difference is that I enjoy a challenge.

There's no right or wrong answer for you - go with your gut feeling.

 

[Oldernewbie]

Seems like a very simple problem this whole falling out on the shoulder thing... which side? Inside or outside? Doing what?

Horses are naturally crooked and it doesn't matter how much schooling you do - until that horse is straight, forward and collected in your hand, it will always be crooked. All the well knowing that but if the human riding it is crooked as well and doesn't know it, there's no hope for any horse underneath that rider.

All these lessons and professionals would have told you that surely by now.... I'm questioning why no one has said anything to you before now? Who teaches you?

Honestly I have two fantastic instructors both of whom are fully qualified and have competed very successfully in their own rights.
Its not that I am not-getting support or explanation/ techniques for overcoming these issues, its more that as soon as I feel on top of one another comes up ?.
I actually feel bad for my instructors that I am not (overall) really progressing.
She does go much better generally (obviously!!) with the pros but I cannot replicate their riding I can only try to improve or change one or two things at a time and yes Im probably crooked and unbalanced, its not easy coming back to riding later in life with a bit of a knackered body ?.

 

[Goldenstar]

I think you probably should part with her .
It sounds like you have tried hard and it’s making you feel down .
Having a horse is supposed to fun and it does not sound you are having fun with her

 

[windand rain]

No matter how much you love her if she is not the right horse for you you need to think about your enjoyment of her. If you are frustrated and angry with yourself you will ultimately resent her

 

[honetpot]

Honestly I have two fantastic instructors both of whom are fully qualified and have competed very successfully in their own rights.
Its not that I am not-getting support or explanation/ techniques for overcoming these issues, its more that as soon as I feel on top of one another comes up ?.
I actually feel bad for my instructors that I am not (overall) really progressing.
She does go much better generally (obviously!!) with the pros but I cannot replicate their riding I can only try to improve or change one or two things at a time and yes Im probably crooked and unbalanced, its not easy coming back to riding later in life with a bit of a knackered body ?.

That is your problem, they are riding her and making her go well for them, but not for you. We had a few first ponies and I was always very careful when my children got older they alway rode them like a first pony, and when they go on to horses and went horse shopping I told them to ride like novice, because I wanted to see if they would take advantage. You are not there to replicate the pros riding, they are there to help you ride the horse you have at the stage of riding you are, and it doesn't how much they have competed or how well they ride, they are not doing the job for you. I think you need a good PC instructer, who knows how to problem solve from the ground.

 

[TotalMadgeness]

I had a beautiful warmblood but ended up overhorsed, exhausted and very sad. He is now in his forever home with a lady who loves him & his quirks and I now have two horses that I get on with brilliantly. It's damned hard to give them up but really if the partnership isn't working then it will likely work with someone else! You only have one life and you need to have a horse you can get on with so you can enjoy your life.

 

[oldie48]

The biggest mistake that I have made is keeping ahorse for 5 years that I should have sold at the end of the first year. He was the most expensive horse I have bought, a schoolmaster and a delight to hack but an absolute pig to school. I had lots of support, shelled out lots of money in lessons etc but he didn't want to do what I wanted to do. Thankfully my present trainer rode him and told me to sell him and find something that would work with me and I did. I never regretted it. No shame in buying the wrong horse but a complete waste to soldier on and feel miserable. FWIW my horse was sold to a lovely home and his new owner adored him and tbh I think he was much happier in his new home than with me.

 

[cundlegreen]

It sounds like you’re doing all the right things for your horse.

Horse ownership and riding is meant to be enjoyable so your husband maybe right about a change. That’s not a failure, it’s a partnership and both sides need to click.

Equally I certainly feel like you do sometimes, so if you want to stick with it keep up with the schooling and lessons - there will be highs and lows.

Be kind to yourself, you sound like a committed horse owner not a failure.

To be honest not expecting any solutions from this post but any emotional support and general observations as to whether I can realistically get through this would be appreciated.
So I’m 9 months in with my horse who I have bonded with and love to bits. First horse.
Quite a mareish girl and observed by people who know better than me to be a dominant girl. We have had difficult behaviours on the ground which with support are hugely improved.
Professionally schooled with me from day one as knew she wasn’t well schooled and was sharp to start with but this has also improved greatly and she has settled well.
Pros who ride her say she is kind and honest, never bucked / bolted- reared etc.
The issue which I have is she is strong and clever and as soon as I get on top of one evasion up pops another. Over time I’ve had the napping, falling out on her shoulder taking all semblance if control esp in canter away, backing up when asked to go forwards, she also anticipates what I’m going to ask of her and as Im still inexperienced this is really unnerving as again I have little control. On the flip side side days she doesn’t want to work at all.
All this probably doesn't sound all that bad but I’ve just got to a point where I feel I cant keep up with her.
She is schooled for me once /twice a week by professionals and I have at least one lesson a week on her. I’ve had vet out numerous times, teeth, back physio, everything checked a few niggles but basically nothing untoward found.
Straw thats broke the camels back is got on today and a new evasion has emerged.
Came home and sobbed my heart out ?!!
Husband says I should find a lovely competent loaner for her and look for a new horse come spring.
Feeling such a failure.

Sorry to hear this, but whatever happened to being in it for the long term? 9months is no time at all. Mares are sensitive and will pick up on your worries. Horses are not supposed to be passed on at the first sign of things not going to plan. Patience!

 

[Leo Walker]

Sorry to hear this, but whatever happened to being in it for the long term? 9months is no time at all. Mares are sensitive and will pick up on your worries. Horses are not supposed to be passed on at the first sign of things not going to plan. Patience!

Give over! 9 months is more than long enough to know if something will work. Of course it takes a while to gel and get the best out of a new horse, but 9 months in, with regular lessons and schooling and its still not working, then its not working and its time to look for something else

 

[cundlegreen]

Give over! 9 months is more than long enough to know if something will work. Of course it takes a while to gel and get the best out of a new horse, but 9 months in, with regular lessons and schooling and its still not working, then its not working and its time to look for something else

Well, I've taken over two years to improve a mare I bought with issues. I have the time and the patience to work out what the problem is. Some people want everything in place quickly. Every horse is different.

 

[Sunjunkieme]

Oh hun. Really feel for you. Been there got the t shirt. Hey we’ve all been there, well I have anyway.

I sold a really super little horse that I loved to bits and it broke my heart, but he was simply too much horse for my needs. This is supposed to be fun remember, we’re supposed to get joy and fulfillment from it.

it sounds to me that your Mare isn’t a bad’un she’s just not a 1st horse. It doesn’t mean you’ll never be in a position to cope, just not right now.

To my mind there’s no shame at all in admitting that she’s not right for you (for now anyway) and selling her on. Your not selling a problem, it sounds like you’ve improved her.

If that’s your solution, in my experience, you’ll be a better rider for it. Get yourself a chap (I prefer a gelding myself) who’s been there, done that and will let you make mistakes without punishing you.

whatever you decide. Good luck & stay safe hun.

 

[splashgirl45]

Well, I've taken over two years to improve a mare I bought with issues. I have the time and the patience to work out what the problem is. Some people want everything in place quickly. Every horse is different.

i dont think the OP is wanting quick results, it sounds like an overhorsing problem and if OP doesnt have the ability or knowledge to sort out the problems its not the worst thing to sell and get something more suitable. also if the OP is not confident the horse will only get worse.. its not only time and patience, its ability and confidence!!!!!

 

[Red-1]

Well, I've taken over two years to improve a mare I bought with issues. I have the time and the patience to work out what the problem is. Some people want everything in place quickly. Every horse is different.

I agree with taking time, but the reason disagree with you is that OP is, in my opinion, not just frustrated, but is also scared (or unnerved as she says). If you inexperienced and scared, it is a hiding to nothing IMO.

Experienced but scared may come right. Inexperienced but confident may come right. But, scared and inexperienced, and sobbing after 9 months, that does not sound like a goer!

OP, I am experienced, but a few years ago bought one that was a mis match for my injuries. The horse was ace, but was only here for 6 days then was on a selling livery so she could be ace for someone else. I regret not being the rider I was once, but don't regret selling. I woud not have had fun with her.

My current horse has been here for almost 2 years, and TBH we have not done much as I have had to pick her up and put her down (through other life happening, not her fault). But, I enjoy working with her. That is the difference. I am not yet dong what I want but whilever I am enjoying the journey, and feel safe, then that is OK.

 

[SpringArising]

OP - don't write the ad for the horse yourself. Get one of the pros who rides her to write it. They'll undoubtedly write about her in a more favourable light and market her to the right audience.

 

[Leandy]

If you are inexperienced and this horse is not bringing you pleasure and progress despite the professional help you have with her, then I think you probably need to accept this is not the right horse for you. It may be one of the trickier horses in life, it may just have learnt too many bad habits before you got it, or it may be too much for you at this stage but whatever the reason, if you are not enjoying the journey with her, you should move on and find something more suitable. Assuming there isn't actually anything physically wrong with the horse - and it seems you have checked this out, I would sell (not loan) her, get experienced help to assist you in finding another and move on from there. You can become just as fond of the next one and, in all honesty, if it is a better match for you you will likely to be more fond it. It isn't failure, it isn't giving up, it is moving on! Find a good sales livery place to sell her for you if you can.

 

[maya2008]

Your horse would be fun for someone else. A ‘first horse’ for an adult is very much like gold dust to find, just like first ponies for children. You need a horse that will look after you, not one that wants entertaining, gets bored and challenges you. If you are small enough, a large New Forest would do the job! Enough brain and self confidence to look after the rider, along with the kindness not to take the p.

Although saying that, my first horse was a 14.2hh 4yo Thoroughbred! Temperament to die for though, and it really didn’t matter how old she was, she was perfect!

 

[Leo Walker]

Well, I've taken over two years to improve a mare I bought with issues. I have the time and the patience to work out what the problem is. Some people want everything in place quickly. Every horse is different.

You bought a horse with issues, OP didnt, or at least didnt think she had. You cannot be suggesting that a novice who has had regular lessons and pros riding for 9 months and is no further forward, continues?! What do you think is going to change in this situation? I suspect the only thing to change will be OP losing her nerve completely and stopping riding altogether.

 

[cindars]

Sympathise with this. After having brilliant mares I got another pure bred Arab a real sweetheart lovely to handle but she and I didn't click at all lost my nerve and stopped riding finally got her into a good home. Now I have a Welsh cob mare who is my twilight horse.

 

[stormox]

The horse doesnt buck rear or bolt. OP you only mention one fault - falling out through the shoulder now youve got over the nappiness and running backwards.
She doesnt sound that awful to me, just maybe rather green.
The pro riders seem to like her, and if you got another horse it might be worse! Or lame! The devil you know is better than the devil you dont...... Do you enjoy your lesson and the hacks around the fields? If so could you not just do the enjoyable things, have fun and take the pressure off yourself?

 

[tallyho!]

Honestly I have two fantastic instructors both of whom are fully qualified and have competed very successfully in their own rights.
Its not that I am not-getting support or explanation/ techniques for overcoming these issues, its more that as soon as I feel on top of one another comes up ?.
I actually feel bad for my instructors that I am not (overall) really progressing.
She does go much better generally (obviously!!) with the pros but I cannot replicate their riding I can only try to improve or change one or two things at a time and yes Im probably crooked and unbalanced, its not easy coming back to riding later in life with a bit of a knackered body ?.

Everyone is crooked and unbalanced and an instructors job is to get you and your horse better balanced and it doesn’t matter how well qualified or they’ve got 9 Olympic medals if they are not helping you, then why are you using them? If they really know you surely they would’ve said if this is the right horse for you or not. Also, what you need to be doing to improve. That’s what I pay my money to my instructor for. You should be enjoying horses, so I think perhaps I’d agree with the others and say look for one you have a better connection with... it’s out there

 

[Winters100]

Firstly let me say that you sound like a great owner. You are doing all the right things, but sometimes we have a horse who will just never be the right one.

I would give yourself a time limit to try with trainers, and if at the end of that you do not feel good and genuinely enjoy riding the horse then sell and find something else.

My experience of this was similar to yours. Nothing wrong with the horse, the pros loved him, but I just never felt confident on him. My nerves fed his, and since he was spooky by nature I made him worse. Instead of the message 'come on silly, it's just a paper bag' he felt my nerves and heard 'watch out! Look at that!'. To be fair this horse never actually did anything truly terrible, it was more that I could not enjoy him as I was convinced that he was about to! We tried for 4 years, all the time in professional training, with me getting very little pleasure as most of the time I was not actually riding him myself.

Finally, after a serious accident, I decided to sell him. I now wish for both of our sakes that I had done so much earlier. The horse is happy in a great home with a rider who has more skills than I do. They are delighted with him and are competing at a high level.

To round things off perfectly we stayed in close touch, and when I told the new owner that I was thinking about buying another horse he told me that he had a 14 year old who was getting too old for his level. She was not for sale as he had always said that he would not sell her on, but since he knew I would take good care he asked if I would like to try her. I travelled more than 1000 km to try her and I am so glad I did - it was a match made in heaven. I immediately agreed to buy her, had her vetted there, and the seller was so fair that he wrote into the contract that for 6 weeks I could return her for any reason, so my own vet could see her, and also I could get to know her. This was his suggestion as he said that he wanted her to go somewhere that she would be a good fit and be loved.

I have now had her for a bit over a year and she has not put a foot wrong. I never feel nervous, never consider whether it is too windy to ride, we never have bad days. When I finish riding and people ask me 'how was she today?' I have never said anything other than 'absolutely wonderful, thank you'. She has given me so much confidence that I also bought a second horse simply because she has given me back the joy of riding.

I do understand how you feel, because when i decided to sell I felt that maybe I was giving up too easily, should keep trying etc. There is however a reality here that we have only a certain number of years riding, and it is a shame to 'use' them by continuing with something that will never work.

Only you can say whether this is the situation, but if it is then there is no shame in it, just find a good home for your horse and then set about looking for the one who will be the right fit for you. I wish you good luck for this, and I hope that if you do sell that you go on to find a lovely kind horse just like mine and to have the same enjoyment from them.

 

[Shilasdair]

It's an interesting thing - you can feel perfectly safe on one horse, which might have numerous naughty habits, and yet completely unsafe on a complete angel. I've never worked out why I just click with some horses, and not at all with some perfectly good horses even if I could ride them perfectly well.

So, find the horse you feel safe with.

 

[lme]

Maybe it’s the trainers not the horse.

I am old and crooked but the people training me and my horses (or more accurately teaching me how to to train my horses) have made allowances for my physical limitations and have made the process hugely enjoyable. It’s my hobby not my job. I don’t want it to be stressful.

If you don’t want to sell your mare then keep her but make sure the training you both receive is focused on improving your partnership with her and be realistic about your rate of progress. Celebrate small improvements and don’t compare how she goes for you with how she goes for a professional.

 

[chocolategirl]

Chocolate thanks for your reply... I don’t hack her on the roads but she is hacked out over fields but currently they are inaccessible as like a lot of places they are flooded. She is still turned out all day every day on dry turnout tho.
With respect to pain, I also worry a great deal about that but having had every professional possible out who all say she is fine I’m at a loss to know what to do next.

Some horses are much more tuned in to the riders feelings and emotions. Case in point, I had a horse about 13 years ago, bought him as a 4 year old, got professional help bringing on, he had already been started. He was a lovely horse, very talented, however, he hated the arena He would give me 30 mins of lovely work, then literally just down tools ?‍ To hack he was amazing, he loved to jump, but unfortunately I didn’t. So after 6 years battling with him, trying to make him into the dressage horse I felt he was destined to be, I admitted defeat, and if you knew me, you would know just how hard that was for me to do? but I did it, and I now have a horse who suits me down to the ground, she’s not perfect, but she’s perfect for me. She didn’t take advantage even though she was a newly broken very green horse, and me having been stripped of all my confidence, and I’ve had 10 blissful years so far. It’s horses for courses OP, not every rider suits every horse ? good luck with whatever you decide to do ?