Feeling so down, need support.

[Sunjunkieme]

Totally! I sold a lovely boy who was just too much and got myself a leg at each corner classy cob who it turned out, was so athletic that he could do (and did) handstands!

I love him dearly and refer to him as the armchair. Just occasionally he becomes an ejector seat - you are so right, not unlike husbands, you click or you don’t.. if you do, you can forgive some stuff..

 

[Trouper]

OP - Mares push you! And I firmly believe that it takes 12 months to really get to know a horse - especially a mare to see her thro' all the seasons. So many times I have heard of horses who come to a new place and are fine for a few months. Then they get their hooves under the table and start to throw their weight around and we all begin to worry that there is something wrong with them or us!! You are sounding a bit winter-weary (aren't we all!!) and defeated and in need of a pick-me-up!!
Do your instructors tell you that you are riding the horse competently? If so, then I agree with someone else who said that maybe memories of initial nerves are hampering both of you. And, yes, you need to get her out hacking - somehow - maybe box to somewhere with a friend for a session??
Whatever - don't make final decisions while you are as down as this with her. Get to the 12 months point trying as hard as you can and if it is still not working then the decision will be easier to make and you won't have any lingering regrets.

 

[The-Bookworm]

To be honest not expecting any solutions from this post but any emotional support and general observations as to whether I can realistically get through this would be appreciated.
So I’m 9 months in with my horse who I have bonded with and love to bits. First horse.
Quite a mareish girl and observed by people who know better than me to be a dominant girl. We have had difficult behaviours on the ground which with support are hugely improved.
Professionally schooled with me from day one as knew she wasn’t well schooled and was sharp to start with but this has also improved greatly and she has settled well.
Pros who ride her say she is kind and honest, never bucked / bolted- reared etc.
The issue which I have is she is strong and clever and as soon as I get on top of one evasion up pops another. Over time I’ve had the napping, falling out on her shoulder taking all semblance if control esp in canter away, backing up when asked to go forwards, she also anticipates what I’m going to ask of her and as Im still inexperienced this is really unnerving as again I have little control. On the flip side side days she doesn’t want to work at all.
All this probably doesn't sound all that bad but I’ve just got to a point where I feel I cant keep up with her.
She is schooled for me once /twice a week by professionals and I have at least one lesson a week on her. I’ve had vet out numerous times, teeth, back physio, everything checked a few niggles but basically nothing untoward found.
Straw thats broke the camels back is got on today and a new evasion has emerged.
Came home and sobbed my heart out ?!!
Husband says I should find a lovely competent loaner for her and look for a new horse come spring.
Feeling such a failure.

Have you read this back to yourself and taken away your username. What would you suggest if someone else said it? Does this sound like it's working after nine months?

Personally I wouldn't want a horse that needs a professional to school them once or twice a week, they may well school them beyond my ability and then I ride something that's too much for me.
I would rather have the lessons and be taught how to school the horse that is under me, they will understand me and you may not get the evasions because you are misunderstood.
I am giving your horse the benefit of the doubt here, I have a laid back cob, however she is very expressive if she doesn't want to do what's being asked or understand. Her mindset is pretty set in concrete!
However if I needed someone to school once a week I would be over horsed.
What exactly do they lack schooing in? Everyone's definition of schooling is different. Surely the basics are there?
Mine has manners, she just forgets them, needs reminding about them, or just blatantly chooses not to remember them.

 

[Annagain]

What you describe is how I felt when I first had Archie - he was very strong out hacking and it scared me a bit. In the school he didn't do anything wrong so I wasn't scared but he didn't do anything right either! I'd ridden for years before him but my last horse - a very excitable but genuine Sec D was very different to the 16.3 thug I had before me. The final straw was my (then!) instructor having him for schooling and telling me "you make him look difficult but he's easy." I asked for help to stop making him look difficult and the instructor just repeated "he's easy".

I decided that minute to get another instructor. My new one was fab. I had lessons twice a week to begin with and we didn't get out of walk for 3 weeks but the foundations we laid then meant we then 'cracked' trot and canter in one lesson - they were far from perfect but we could do them without him leaning on me and trying to go 100mph and with out me hanging on. The techniques were working out hacking too and the less scared I was, the less hanging on I did and all of a sudden everyone was enjoying themselves! Don't get me wrong he was still a thug and it's still (15 years on) nowhere near perfect but we were improving slowly and it was fun again. This probably took about 18 months from when I bought him - and about a year of lessons after switching instructors. Your instructors shouldn't make you feel inadequate, even unintentionally.

However, he then went lame and I started riding a friend's horse Monty, who was a perfect gent. I kept up my lessons and learned so much from riding him. Even though he had only show jumped before and he'd never done much dressage he would just give whatever was asked of him, would learn quickly which meant that as long as I did things right he would go well.

It was over 2 years before Archie got back in the school. Hacking him (after his initial 8 month break) was a pleasure in that time. When it came to getting back in the school again everything I'd learned riding M meant all of a sudden A was as easy as that first instructor said! Although they are totally different horses, everything I learned on M made riding A so much easier. Above all, the confidence I'd got from just hacking him for so long meant I wasn't afraid to put my leg on him - something I'd never really done before.

There's a lot to be said for persevering but also a lot to be said for having a horse who will help you and teach you things rather than you having to be on its case the whole time. I think your husband is right. If you can afford it, get a loaner / sharer and find yourself more of a schoolmaster. If you can keep hacking your mare, do it and just spend time having fun with her. In a year get back on your mare in the school and I bet you'll love riding her then.

 

[starfish8]

I could have written your original post. I've had my mare 4 years and she still wants to test the boundaries, is still opinionated - and it took be a long while to be comfortable that I knew what her reactions are limited to. She's a bit like yours - doesn't buck/rear/bolt, but does fall in or out, set her neck against you, occasionally leap around a bit. And it is only time and perseverance that has taught me I can sit her antics and allow confidence to grow. In that time I've had so many lessons, I do have a pro school her for me, she has been checked over by the vet (and a couple of issues ID'd that require ongoing maintenance). Last time I rode her, she did something which would have terrified me a couple of years ago - and actually is out of character. This time, I laughed, shrugged my shoulders and (if I hadn't suspected she had twanged something in the field to cause it) would have carried on. That said, there are still plenty of things that I wouldn't consider doing with her in a million years now - I know that hunting, sponsored rides and a number of other things would completely blow her mind and damage what we have built.

I suppose what I am trying to say is that it is do-able, but only if you are 100% committed to doing it and giving it as much time as it needs, and accepting that there may be limitations on what you end up doing together. I considered selling mine once or twice but cried my eyes out at the very thought, so knew I had to persevere. If that's not how you feel about yours, there is no shame in finding a horse you find more suitable.